The Mucky Myrtle One, and the Mucky Myrtle Two 

 

A nithering wind blew down the valley

A chuffin’ lazy one too

Too idle to go round you

It chilled, and cut straight through

Three codgers stood on Grimstone Quay

With crates of Puggies homebrew

Set to launch a brand new boat

The Mucky Myrtle Two

 

Puggie was the skipper

That’s Pugwash, to his mates

Sid and Horlicks, made up the crew

And helped to load the crates

Pugwash had gained notoriety

For being unable to navigate the Don

And that’s how he sank his other boat

The Mucky Myrtle One

 

Lightning doesn’t strike twice

He reassured himsen

Cos now he was older and wiser

Than he used to be back then

Besides he’d got Sid and Horlicks

To make a three-man crew

As they set off, to sail the Don

On the Mucky Myrtle Two

 

They’d barely cleared Giblets Viaduct

When the beer began to flow

A hapless trio of stupidity

Three pissheads from Grimstone Low

And this was no commonplace beer

It was Puggies special homebrew

Intoxicated at the helm

Of the Mucky Myrtle Two

 

They reached a fork in the river

When a sign came into sight

Saying the left hand branch was non-navigable

And it’s best if you keep to the right

Pugwash’s eyes filled up

As he thought of days….. long since gone

And time he took the left branch, and sank

The Mucky Myrtle One

 

They say history never repeats

And you don’t make the same mistake

And one of his crewmen, had learnt how to read

So he knew which direction to take

Ok, so he’d supped some ale

And so had the rest of his crew

But he wasn’t taking no chances

With the Mucky Myrtle Two

 

“ey up Pugwash,” said Horlicks

“In’t that where you sank your first craft?”

“Didn’t you notice this sign ‘ere?”

“How could you be so bloody daft?”

“Aye, I did notice t’sign” said Pugwash

“But I think it’s been plonked int’ wrong place”

“You can easily go down there, for over a mile”

“And turn round, wi’ plenty of space”

Then Pugwash became all nostalgic

Thinking of days………… long since gone

He’d a yearning to visit the resting place

Of the Mucky Myrtle One

 

Filled with bravado, and special home brew

And with his compass bearing………… daft

He decided to take the left hand fork

To see if he could see his first craft

They entered those unchartered waters

This hapless trio of fools

Where the river and fields have no margins

A labyrinth of watery pools

They saw one of them big white ducks with a bright yellow beak

Which most people just call……………. a swan

And there in the depth of the murky water

Lay the Mucky Myrtle One

 

“Right” said Pugwash, “I’ve seen it now”

“It’s about time we got out of here”

A task which would have been simple

If they hadn’t, have drank so much beer

“DUCK” shouted Sid and Horlicks

“You’ll find it’s a swan” Pugwash said

And before he could explain the difference

A branch hit him right on the head

It knocked out, what little sense he had

And the boat slewed about, all askew

An unsteady hand on the rudder

Of the Mucky Myrtle Two

 

Poor Pugwash was now seeing stars

He came over all dizzy and heady

He slewed over sharp, to starboard

And drove her right into an eddy

A wave swept clean over the gunwale

Where the river was murky and dank

And now she was taking on water

She gave out a glug, and she sank

So now there’s the wreck of two boats

At the bottom of the Don

Cos The Mucky Myrtle Two, has joined

The Mucky Myrtle One