Mother Dearest
Pinned down to the paper doll you created for me to be
Pieces of myself sliced away to better fit the mold
Never allowed to grow away from your expectations
Why have I never been deserving of your love?
I will never understand how someone can find such joy in ripping apart another
Why do you laugh when you hear my screams?
Why do you smile when you see my tears?
...Friday 10th November 2023 4:51 pm
Not afraid of the dark
I don’t want to close my eyes
I know what happens when sleep takes me
Memories and fears claw their way to the surface
Cackling while I squirm in pain
I am so tired
But I fear my sleeping mind
Replaying the moments that broke my heart
Filling me with lead
Seemingly impossible to pull myself out of those dark memories
I’m not afraid of the dark…but what is expected in tha...
Tuesday 13th June 2023 6:41 pm
Rise
Refinement in destruction
the world in ashes
Comfort in darkness
the past hidden
Warmth in mortality
the future precious
There is an eligance in the demise of who you once were
a satisfaction in the ascension of the person that now walks in your shoes
The death of expectations
The birth of hope
Do not imprission yourself behind stubborness, embrace your fear
Release your h...
Monday 22nd June 2020 7:14 pm
Deniability
But I'm better...
But I'm so much better...
It's been eons since those devilish little whispers were anything more than passing spirits ...or has it been but a moment
Today they are screaming
Today they are deafening
Today I feel them vibrate through my entire being
...I am scared....
I am terrified that once again the monsters within me shall chase away the light I have found
...Friday 10th January 2020 9:02 pm
Wandering
I struggle greatly with the idea that I am inconsequential.
Unnecessary.
Irrelevant.
That I am but a flash in the lives of those whom I cherish.
It takes not but a moment for me to be convinced that my time in their hearts has expired.
Yet several lifetimes could pass, and I would still fear the day my nightmarish internal prophecy would be realized.
The warmth of someone’s love confuses...
Monday 19th August 2019 9:57 pm
Failed Responsibilities
They are your gardians,they are your motivators, they are your protectors, they are your teachers
They are supposed to guide you through your young life, to help you achieve your goals
They are supposed to give you hope and encourage you to reach your dreams, to help you go far
They are supposed to watch out for you when you are weak and innocent, to help keep pain from touching you
Th...
Monday 8th July 2019 2:47 pm
Troublesome Organ
Tha-thumb… Tha-thump… Tha-thump
Over and over again. This rhythmic beating brings life to your body
Thrashing in your chest, it hurts of all your heart ache
It tumbles into your gut, making you feel nauseous and insure
You gag and it scurries up to your throat, making each breath a struggle, forcing you to gasp for air
It invades your skull, pulsing…attempting to get out. Each time ...
Tuesday 2nd July 2019 3:53 pm
No
Over a decade has passed, yet at times it feels as if it has hardly been a day
My body follows the passage of time while a piece of my mind remains frozen in that moment
The scars have faded, yet I still see them shine as bright as the day he carved the reminder upon my flesh
Written in a language only my eyes could distinguish
A lifetime has been lived, yet I still return to that litt...
Saturday 29th June 2019 3:20 am
Outrun the Demons
Faster...Faster...Don't stop...Don't let them catch you...
Pedal faster, fast enough so that the tears never touch your cheeks, fast enough so that the little droplets that sparkle in the moon light disappear behind you, into the darkness to slow down the horrid thoughts that chase you
Pedal faster...fast enough so that you out run your own mind
Pedal faster...fast enough so that there is...
Tuesday 25th June 2019 3:01 pm
Inner Voices
"You aren't good enough"
"You're going to fail"
"You are useless"
"You are nothing"
"You're all alone"
Can't stand the murmurs
Hateful voices
Inside my head
Twisting the words of others into cruilty
Only the hurtful messages make their way through
Struggling to find the light
Hands only grasp at emptiness
Darkness creaps in
My voice is fading
Only their wo...
Tuesday 18th June 2019 6:27 pm
Doubt
It moves like a cockroach in my mind
It spreads filth, it eats at me, makes me shiver with fear and disgust
I want to let it out...
I want someone to take the burden from my mind
...but...I could never ask that of someone
...I could never place this upon someone I loved,
but I could never trust someone I didn't
So this is mine...a constant fire that longs for fresh air but sta...
Tuesday 18th June 2019 2:47 am
I Need You
Hold me as if I was weightless, take gravity's hands off my shoulders and just hold me for awhile
Shut out the rest of the world and give me a moment of peace
Rock me back and forth in your waters
Slow down time, slow my movements, slow the sounds that reach my ears
Wash me, clean me of all the filth I have picked up from the despicable deeds I have committed
Sing me a lullaby from ...
Monday 17th June 2019 4:54 pm
Just resting my eyes
Night after night sleep evades me
Worry and doubt racing to flood every corner of available space…banishing any chance for the peace my mind so desperately needs
It is a summer night in the south, yet I feel cold
My body curls in on itself, struggling to keep the shattered remnants from falling apart once more
My eyes sting from tears I’m too stubborn to let fall
My voice abandons m...
Monday 17th June 2019 5:22 am
Matryoshka
Time changes everything
Time nurtures a sprout to grow into a magnificent tree
Time rips apart our flesh until the earth can reclaim it
...Time heals wounds
...Time tortures souls
A small child broken into pieces hides behind a false face...
...each time the mask becomes cracked, another is placed upon it
Retreating into oneself
The outer layer, a strong beautiful woman
...
Sunday 16th June 2019 5:10 pm
Unable to live without Love
Being in love is giving someone else your heart to do with as they please
For better or worse
Allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable with another
You're over the moon...you're happy...nothing could bring you down...nothing and no one could hurt you
It's the ones that you hold the closest that can cut you the deepest
All things must come to an end...nothing is permanent
Any...
Friday 14th June 2019 3:23 pm
Broken
It was formed from clay and strengthened by the fires of my life.
I was proud of it...
I was cautious with it...
I guarded it with everything that I am...
Until someone convinced me to give it to them.
They did not value it as I did
They were not careful
They should not have been trusted
Time and time again they would drop it...toss it aside...break it...
Each time leavi...
Thursday 13th June 2019 2:11 pm
Beauty is in the eye
What do you see?
Do you see my cracks?
Worn down by a life of this masquerade
Decay hiding behind a lovely picture
Do you see beauty as the sun shines upon me?
or my crumbling pillars?
...do you see nothing but ruins?
Something destined to be forgotten in time...
Can one find elegance in the desolation?
My walls may bow, but my foundation stays strong
I have weathered...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 3:30 pm
Demons Never Leave
A seemingly non stop battle
A constant tomentor
For years it plagued me
...it almost cost me my life
I thought it defeated
I believed my moster vanquished
...until it rose again
The calling, the need, the desire
...it whispers to me
serenading me with promises of help when I am at my weakest
...make it stop...
please
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:51 am
Hidden
Nothing lasts forever
Time rules all
Everything fades
Everything dies
Everyone leaves
...be yourself?
....no one really wants that
They want perfection
They want what they think you are
They only want the good
...everyone fears the darkness within the soul
Keep your mask on
Never show your true face
Becasue the second they see the extent of your pain...
Th...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:51 am
Struggle Not to Fall Again
It's back
Fingers twitch
Eyes wont focus
Im shaking
I want it...I need it...
The craving...
An addiction that I'll never be free from
I kid myself thinking I've overcome it...
It always returns
If I give in the pain will subside, but the shame will haunt me
I know I must resist...
But
My blood, like thousands of worms struggling to break through to the surface
...Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:51 am
Her
A piece of my soul
half of my heart
Never could I imagine loving someone in such a way
I live for her smiles
I heart beats to hear her laugh
I hang upon her every unspoken word
Her beauty warms my pain
Her eyes drive me to earn her admiration
All for her...
My whole world for her
Before we ever even met she encouraged me to change for the better
My love for her fi...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:50 am
Fading
Everything seems to slow...
Or maybe it's just me
My heart barely beats
I cannot feel the the sun upon my face
Things that normally bring me joy now annoy me
As if the emotion is an inconvienience
I hate this
...not again
Everyone feels so far away
Out of reach...at least for me
My soul has wondered away
Leaving this empty shell to mimic life
I long to escape my...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:49 am
Happy Birthday My Dearest Sister
Your laugh is a beautiful melody...
making the air dance and twirl
Your smile is the sun that lights up the sky...
bringing joy to those fortunate enough to stand beside you
Your soul is the kindest I have ever known
This world is darker in your absence
My heart struggles to keep its rhythm when I think of you
A piece was torn away that night
I see you in everything...
B...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:49 am
A Stranger
Why won't they look away?
Their smile, poorly drawn, not matching their eyes
...those eyes...
They are shattered... lost... unfocussed
There is a darkness
Something not quite right
Something sickening...
...like a vital piece is missing
...like they're rotting inside
They're wrong...perverse
A twisted joke
A pathetic copy
Pretending to be me
The eyes of a mon...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:48 am
I long to surrender my heart
I want to give my whole soul to someone that I trust completely
And then I want them to make me scream until my voice is hoarse
I want to make them shiver with ecstasy ... to have my ears filled with the sound of their voice escaping in a pleasure filled hiss
I want them to feel worshiped
The chance to show them how perfectly beautiful they are to me
Moving together, riding eac...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:48 am
Long for Silence
Why does my mind torture me so?
Why must it drown me in such cruelty?
“You’re not needed”
“You’re not wanted”
“You are nothing but a burden”
“That’s why you’ve lost so much”
“That’s why everyone left before and why they will leave again”
…please…stop…
I just want the voices to stop
They’ve grown so loud I cannot hear anything else
Even sleep provides no rest from thei...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:47 am
The Sweetest Lies
Being serenaded by an inanimate object… does this make me crazy?
Its call runs shivers of desire through me
My fingers long to caress its cold surface
My flesh pulses with the need to be kissed by it
This is my vice, this is my secret, this is my addiction
It has tasted my flesh before
It has licked and kissed and bitten the dark meat of my arms many times
But it wants new fla...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:45 am
Shadow Person
Watching humanity through an impenetrable shroud
Too far to hear their joys and sorrows
Too close to not yearn to accompany them in their fun
Everyone moves to their own tune
A song not meant for my ears
A wisthul hand reaches out in vain
Clenches nothing as the world moves just outside my grasp once again
Unable to tell if their eyes simply do not see me or if they choose not...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:34 am
Lost
The feeling as the world turns beneath my feet
The rise and set of the sun
Lifetimes seem to pass in the blink of an eye
My soul is tired
My heart is worn
Observing from the shadows
Celebrating the happiness of others
I long for normalcy
I covet a constant
But I am lost
For I cannot fathom where my path leads
I am alone
Time has convinced me that my love comes w...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:33 am
Returned
I feel cold
As the blood in my veins harden like cement causing any task to grow exponentially in its difficulty
I feel cold
As tears build behind a damn that would not allow even a drop to escape until it crumbles to the ground on its final day
I feel cold
As my stomach begins to devour itself in desperation from its starvation all the wile refusing to take in any sustenance
Taunting ...
Wednesday 12th June 2019 2:31 am
More than a smile
Today I smile, which is one of many lies
I boast of strength, resolve, and pride in myself…all of which I do not currently feel.
Breathing is strained…my body pushed past exhaustion.
My voice a lifeless recording rattling off lines that are perfectly crafted to fulfill their purpose of deceit
Limbs creak in their protest to keep step with a dance born from music long since forgotten
...Monday 10th June 2019 9:11 pm
Veil of Words
Letters are so very innocent
Meerly our pawns in the grand scheme of things
They have no ill intent, no feeling of love, no rule as to which emotion the shall portray
Alone they are meaningless
We have the power to take these lost souls and form them into threads of words
Those seemingly random letters are no longer a raw material
They now have meaning, but yet they are still los...
Monday 6th May 2019 5:01 pm
Surrender to the truth I wanted to ignore
I saw it as growth
I was proud if my progress
...to be able to speak of my struggle
...to be able to be openabout something I always kept inside
Always the one to suffer in silence
Always telling people I was "fine" when I was falling apart
I was proud
But it would seem I was wrong
No one wants to hear it
No one wants to see it
No one wants to know it
So be quiet.....
Monday 6th May 2019 4:43 pm
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