Pinned down to the paper doll you created for me to be

Pieces of myself sliced away to better fit the mold

Never allowed to grow away from your expectations

Why have I never been deserving of your love?

I will never understand how someone can find such joy in ripping apart another

Why do you laugh when you hear my screams?

Why do you smile when you see my tears?

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I don’t want to close my eyes

I know what happens when sleep takes me

Memories and fears claw their way to the surface

Cackling while I squirm in pain

I am so tired

But I fear my sleeping mind

Replaying the moments that broke my heart

Filling me with lead

Seemingly impossible to pull myself out of those dark memories

I’m not afraid of the dark…but what is expected in tha...

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Refinement in destruction
  the world in ashes
Comfort in darkness
  the past hidden
Warmth in mortality
  the future precious

There is an eligance in the demise of who you once were
  a satisfaction in the ascension of the person that now walks in your shoes

The death of expectations
The birth of hope

Do not imprission yourself behind stubborness, embrace your fear
Release your h...

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But I'm better...

But I'm so much better...

It's been eons since those devilish little whispers were anything more than passing spirits ...or has it been but a moment

Today they are screaming

Today they are deafening

Today I feel them vibrate through my entire being

...I am scared....

I am terrified that once again the monsters within me shall chase away the light I have found

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I struggle greatly with the idea that I am inconsequential.
Unnecessary.
Irrelevant.
That I am but a flash in the lives of those whom I cherish.

It takes not but a moment for me to be convinced that my time in their hearts has expired.
Yet several lifetimes could pass, and I would still fear the day my nightmarish internal prophecy would be realized.

The warmth of someone’s love confuses...

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They are your gardians,they are your motivators, they are your protectors, they are your teachers

They are supposed to guide you through your young life, to help you achieve your goals

They are supposed to give you hope and encourage you to reach your dreams, to help you go far

They are supposed to watch out for you when you are weak and innocent, to help keep pain from touching you

Th...

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Tha-thumb… Tha-thump… Tha-thump

Over and over again. This rhythmic beating brings life to your body

Thrashing in your chest, it hurts of all your heart ache

It tumbles into your gut, making you feel nauseous and insure

You gag and it scurries up to your throat, making each breath a struggle, forcing you to gasp for air

It invades your skull, pulsing…attempting to get out. Each time ...

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Over a decade has passed, yet at times it feels as if it has hardly been a day

My body follows the passage of time while a piece of my mind remains frozen in that moment

The scars have faded, yet I still see them shine as bright as the day he carved the reminder upon my flesh

Written in a language only my eyes could distinguish

A lifetime has been lived, yet I still return to that litt...

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Faster...Faster...Don't stop...Don't let them catch you...

Pedal faster, fast enough so that the tears never touch your cheeks, fast enough so that the little droplets that sparkle in the moon light disappear behind you, into the darkness to slow down the horrid thoughts that chase you

Pedal faster...fast enough so that you out run your own mind

Pedal faster...fast enough so that there is...

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"You aren't good enough"

"You're going to fail"

"You are useless"

"You are nothing"

"You're all alone"

Can't stand the murmurs

Hateful voices

Inside my head

Twisting the words of others into cruilty

Only the hurtful messages make their way through

Struggling to find the light

Hands only grasp at emptiness

Darkness creaps in

My voice is fading

Only their wo...

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It moves like a cockroach in my mind

It spreads filth, it eats at me, makes me shiver with fear and disgust

I want to let it out...

I want someone to take the burden from my mind

...but...I could never ask that of someone

...I could never place this upon someone I loved,

but I could never trust someone I didn't

So this is mine...a constant fire that longs for fresh air but sta...

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Hold me as if I was weightless, take gravity's hands off my shoulders and just hold me for awhile

Shut out the rest of the world and give me a moment of peace

Rock me back and forth in your waters

Slow down time, slow my movements, slow the sounds that reach my ears

Wash me, clean me of all the filth I have picked up from the despicable deeds I have committed

Sing me a lullaby from ...

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Night after night sleep evades me

Worry and doubt racing to flood every corner of available space…banishing any chance for the peace my mind so desperately needs

It is a summer night in the south, yet I feel cold

My body curls in on itself, struggling to keep the shattered remnants from falling apart once more

My eyes sting from tears I’m too stubborn to let fall

My voice abandons m...

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Time changes everything

Time nurtures a sprout to grow into a magnificent tree

Time rips apart our flesh until the earth can reclaim it

...Time heals wounds

...Time tortures souls

A small child broken into pieces hides behind a false face...

...each time the mask becomes cracked, another is placed upon it

Retreating into oneself

The outer layer, a strong beautiful woman

...

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Being in love is giving someone else your heart to do with as they please

For better or worse

Allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable with another

You're over the moon...you're happy...nothing could bring you down...nothing and no one could hurt you

It's the ones that you hold the closest that can cut you the deepest

All things must come to an end...nothing is permanent

Any...

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It was formed from clay and strengthened by the fires of my life.

I was proud of it...

I was cautious with it...

I guarded it with everything that I am...

Until someone convinced me to give it to them.

They did not value it as I did

They were not careful

They should not have been trusted

Time and time again they would drop it...toss it aside...break it...

Each time leavi...

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What do you see?

Do you see my cracks?

Worn down by a life of this masquerade

Decay hiding behind a lovely picture

Do you see beauty as the sun shines upon me?

or my crumbling pillars?

...do you see nothing but ruins?

Something destined to be forgotten in time...

Can one find elegance in the desolation?

My walls may bow, but my foundation stays strong

I have weathered...

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A seemingly non stop battle

A constant tomentor

For years it plagued me

...it almost cost me my life

I thought it defeated

I believed my moster vanquished

...until it rose again

The calling, the need, the desire

...it whispers to me

serenading me with promises of help when I am at my weakest

...make it stop...

please

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Nothing lasts forever

Time rules all

Everything fades

Everything dies

Everyone leaves

...be yourself?

....no one really wants that

They want perfection

They want what they think you are

They only want the good

...everyone fears the darkness within the soul

Keep your mask on

Never show your true face

Becasue the second they see the extent of your pain...

Th...

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It's back

Fingers twitch

Eyes wont focus

Im shaking

I want it...I need it...

The craving...

An addiction that I'll never be free from

I kid myself thinking I've overcome it...

It always returns

If I give in the pain will subside, but the shame will haunt me

I know I must resist...

But

My blood, like thousands of worms struggling to break through to the surface

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A piece of my soul

half of my heart

Never could I imagine loving someone in such a way 

I live for her smiles

I heart beats to hear her laugh

I hang upon her every unspoken word

Her beauty warms my pain

Her eyes drive me to earn her admiration

All for her...

My whole world for her

Before we ever even met she encouraged me to change for the better

My love for her fi...

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Everything seems to slow...

Or maybe it's just me

My heart barely beats

I cannot feel the the sun upon my face

Things that normally bring me joy now annoy me

As if the emotion is an inconvienience

I hate this

...not again

Everyone feels so far away

Out of reach...at least for me

My soul has wondered away

Leaving this empty shell to mimic life

I long to escape my...

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Your laugh is a beautiful melody...

making the air dance and twirl

Your smile is the sun that lights up the sky...

bringing joy to those fortunate enough to stand beside you

Your soul is the kindest I have ever known

This world is darker in your absence

My heart struggles to keep its rhythm when I think of you

A piece was torn away that night

I see you in everything...

B...

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Why won't they look away?

Their smile, poorly drawn, not matching their eyes

...those eyes...

They are shattered... lost... unfocussed

There is a darkness

Something not quite right

Something sickening...

...like a vital piece is missing

...like they're rotting inside

They're wrong...perverse

A twisted joke

A pathetic copy

Pretending to be me

The eyes of a mon...

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I want to give my whole soul to someone that I trust completely

And then I want them to make me scream until my voice is hoarse

I want to make them shiver with ecstasy ... to have my ears filled with the sound of their voice escaping in a pleasure filled hiss

I want them to feel worshiped

The chance to show them how perfectly beautiful they are to me

Moving together, riding eac...

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Why does my mind torture me so?

Why must it drown me in such cruelty?

“You’re not needed”

“You’re not wanted”

“You are nothing but a burden”

“That’s why you’ve lost so much”

“That’s why everyone left before and why they will leave again”

…please…stop…

I just want the voices to stop

They’ve grown so loud I cannot hear anything else

Even sleep provides no rest from thei...

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Being serenaded by an inanimate object… does this make me crazy?

Its call runs shivers of desire through me

My fingers long to caress its cold surface

My flesh pulses with the need to be kissed by it

This is my vice, this is my secret, this is my addiction

It has tasted my flesh before

It has licked and kissed and bitten the dark meat of my arms many times

But it wants new fla...

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Watching humanity through an impenetrable shroud

Too far to hear their joys and sorrows

Too close to not yearn to accompany them in their fun

Everyone moves to their own tune

A song not meant for my ears

A wisthul hand reaches out in vain

Clenches nothing as the world moves just outside my grasp once again

Unable to tell if their eyes simply do not see me or if they choose not...

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The feeling as the world turns beneath my feet

The rise and set of the sun

Lifetimes seem to pass in the blink of an eye

My soul is tired

My heart is worn

Observing from the shadows

Celebrating the happiness of others

I long for normalcy

I covet a constant

But I am lost

For I cannot fathom where my path leads

I am alone

Time has convinced me that my love comes w...

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I feel cold
As the blood in my veins harden like cement causing any task to grow exponentially in its difficulty

I feel cold
As tears build behind a damn that would not allow even a drop to escape until it crumbles to the ground on its final day

I feel cold
As my stomach begins to devour itself in desperation from its starvation all the wile refusing to take in any sustenance

Taunting ...

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Today I smile, which is one of many lies

I boast of strength, resolve, and pride in myself…all of which I do not currently feel.

Breathing is strained…my body pushed past exhaustion.

My voice a lifeless recording rattling off lines that are perfectly crafted to fulfill their purpose of deceit

Limbs creak in their protest to keep step with a dance born from music long since forgotten

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Letters are so very innocent

Meerly our pawns in the grand scheme of things

They have no ill intent, no feeling of love, no rule as to which emotion the shall portray

Alone they are meaningless

We have the power to take these lost souls and form them into threads of words

Those seemingly random letters are no longer a raw material

They now have meaning, but yet they are still los...

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I saw it as growth

I was proud if my progress

...to be able to speak of my struggle

...to be able to be openabout something I always kept inside

Always the one to suffer in silence

Always telling people I was "fine" when I was falling apart

I was proud

But it would seem I was wrong

No one wants to hear it

No one wants to see it

No one wants to know it

So be quiet.....

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