Being serenaded by an inanimate object… does this make me crazy?

Its call runs shivers of desire through me

My fingers long to caress its cold surface

My flesh pulses with the need to be kissed by it

This is my vice, this is my secret, this is my addiction

It has tasted my flesh before

It has licked and kissed and bitten the dark meat of my arms many times

But it wants new flavors

It asks for more of me

“How does the soft, tender underside of your arm taste?”

“How good does your vulnerable belly feel?”

“How much will your throat bleed if I run a serrated finger across your carotid artery?”

Its slightest touch causes me to burst into tears and beg for more

I need it, I want it, but it is bad for me… so very very bad

It scares me

How can something so bad for me make me feel so good?

How can something without lips speak so sweetly to me?

It is my friend, but its lies are destroying me… it asks so much of me… how much longer until it asks for my life?

I was once told by one that I love that I must choose between the two

But if I cannot have one, I shall indulge in the other

I need something to make me smile.

I need something to make me see past my tears…

My skin holds in the flowing emotion

It restricts my feeling

I can feel it fight to get out

I can feel it squirm

Like worms underneath the surface

Their slithering makes me feel as if I shall vomit

As my skin crawls, the need offers a solution

“Just let me help you. 

It will only take a moment.  Just

let me make you feel so much better.  I can

take the pain away”

When I am strong I can see through its lies… but when I am

weak, the fantasies are so enticing

I want to embrace it like an old friend, even though I know

it hurts me… I like the pain, I take pleasure in it, I can’t get enough of it.

I get caught up in the moment, letting its song sweep me off

my feet.

But when the music fades into the darkness, shame sets in.

Guilt of what I have done, what the ones that I love will think…

My guilty pleasure that shouldn’t affect them… They should be

happy… shouldn’t they?

They should enjoy the break from my screams, the break from

my cries, no more will they hear from me.

My pain is not theirs, it doesn’t concern them…

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them”

For it the knowledge that hurts me the most.

If I wasn’t aware of the pain...

If I had never opened my eyes I would not experience such

sorrow, such hate…

If I had never explored the world I would never have met the

need, I would never have discovered the pleasure of its kiss, I would never

have shed a tear, I would never have toyed with the thought giving in to its

seduction

What makes your heart beat?

Habit, one cannot stop the flow of life giving blood just

because they want to sleep

The heart will continue to pump blood, and with each beat of

the heart acid burns me from the inside

I want it to stop… I want it to close my eyes and be three

again…stay innocent and ignorant forever

I do not want to think… but I do not want to sleep

For with sleep comes dreams, and those dreams carry memories

and secrets

Things that I attempted to burry, things that I wanted to

forget

They haunt me…

Damn the heart in my chest for keeping these burned into my

skull, my flesh, my existence

Why can I not simply will it to let me drift into a

dreamless sleep?

I am so very, very tired

No more… please no more

Take it away, take it all away

I do not want to give any more of my flesh to a friend who

fixes nothing.

I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to twitch and scratch

scars that beg me to reopen them

I do not want to look away from the image in the mirror of

my naked body because I see each scar that marks my weakness

I hate to be called weak, to be called a coward… because I

know I am… I already know that I am pathetic for allowing something without a

mouth to talk me into such despicable deeds

Please don’t look at me with those eyes… I do not need pity…

I am not that far gone, am i?