Poetry Blog by Albert Van Skywalker

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Rave On...

An unhealthy obsession

The sombre procession

As loved ones carry your coffin

I think of it often

And never forgotten

Your lies and later confession

I long for the day I can finally say

Here’s a glow stick and whistle

To your grieving widow

And hold a rave on your grave

I’m gonna hold a rave on your grave

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Our Lions

Take down the flags
Wind in the bunting
It's not our time
We know it's not coming
Or shop fronts and homes
Will soon seem empty
But the sea of St George
Will be a glorious memory
Hold your head high
As echoes of cheers ring loud
Faith restored;
You've done us all proud
This time was different
You wrote your own story
A summer of hope
A dalliance with glory
You've brought us passion

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The Ameobi’s,

Big Sam Allardyce

Augustine Okocha

So good they named him twice

Bury, Bulgaria and Bavaria

And everywhere in between

The Battle of Burnden Park

The definition of a team

Stan Collymore

Getting floored

And Campo’s curly wig

Our Danes; Henrik, Per, Bo

Claus, Michael and Stig

England internationals

French Word Cup winners

Getting le...

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boltoncoywmfootballlifeonce in never outwanderers

Marriage is llike a Cabbage


Is like a cabbage

Your need to strip back the outer leaves

The vibrant green is just for show

The sweet and tender flavours

Are developed deep below

It’s not for everyone, but it’s versatile

It can stew, can be raw

Fundamentally they’re identical

The heart lies at the core

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Sonnet M

Shall I compare thee to a Manchester summer’s day?

You’re a bit damp and soggy

I’d love to sit in your company

But the ground seems a little boggy

Outwardly bright, but temperamental

Presently fine, so I’ll risk it

As Carpe Diem is essential          

Blink and you’ve missed it

But thou art as bright as a summer’s day

Through skies laden with smog

From Ancoats, Droysl...

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My very first time

I remember it well

The sights, the sounds

The taste, the smell

The roar of the paddock

The clacker of seats

The old wooden stairs

Which wobbled and creaked

And the gateway which opened

An amphitheatre in green

My heroes in white

A young schoolboys dream

The whistle that screeched

Cross field passes lauded

Those crunching tackles


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My Fungal Nail Infection

Stuck on the end of my foot

Like a discoloured mutated cornflake

Putrid figure adjoined to my toe

A blot on my sunbed landscape

Disfigured warped and diseased

Growing in an acute direction

The destroyer of many a sock

My fungal nail infection



Oh my accursed big toe

The torture, the bane of my life

Causing me problems since I was six years old

When I first...

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Gym Gigolo

Between the apparatus and the equipment he prowls

Perfecting his stance and menacing scowls

His carb free diet has led to irritable bowels

Hurrah the Gym Gigolo


So desperate to create a good first impression

He takes a supplement before his daily session

Leaves him ripped but prone to acts of aggression

You what?  The Gym Gigolo


After his protein shake he pumps hi...

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Caught Short

It surprised me-

It caught me off guard

An initial gentle discomfort

But now it’s coming hard

Like a knife in my bowels

Like someone has turned a screw

One consonant and two vowels

I really need a poo


Could not come at a worse time

Totally inconvenient

Drop everything before I drop my load

To find a public convenience

The pain is just sheer agony

It crip...

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Salford soil is singed

As sunbeams surge from the sky

I cannot pass up this opportunity

To flash my moobs and sit outside

In tranquil tropical temperatures

In peace I begin to think

But the extent of my deliberation is

What can I have to drink?

I open up the fridge

Somerset scrumpy on the shelf

A little limited luxury

I lavish upon myself

No need for ice or bubb...

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Mrs Day

When I first spoke with him, I thought he was sweet

We laughed at the weird things we shared

I was a little nervous when he suggested we meet

Apprehensive, excited but not scared


I wasn’t looking for her when I found her

Romance was the last on my mind

So what if she is a little bit older?

She is funny and clever and kind


Friends say he is only after my wealth


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The Laureate of Levenshulme

A mouthy little blaggard

Could start a fight in an empty room

Thrived on his reputation

As The Laureate of Levenshulme

Infamy was his

All over Manchester

Some saw him as a pest

Others as a jester

He’d needle and push

But when it came to blows

He’d escape the carnage

And be off on his toes

In the pubs of Salford

And the clubs of Eccles

He stood out a mile  ...

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Evening News

Grey sky rises over red top roofs

Smog subsides to reveal a painful truth

Wailing sirens break the placid dawn

Coughs resonate as another death is born

Broken windows creak

Broken homes are chic

Broken bottles on playing fields

The futures looking bleak

The taste of desperation

Lingers in every mouth

Northern emaciation

Looks better in The South

All items of val...

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I need no introductions

I’ve been around since the dawn of time

I’ve cradled infants and toyed with tyrants

Kissed many a man in his prime

I have no preference for age or sex

And religion ‘aint my thing

I may turn up when you least expect

Just to creep inside your skin


My face was first revealed

When I whispered in Cain’s ear

As he led Abel into the fields

I t...

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Oh, so you’re from Salford?

Then you must be a Red?

Oi you cheeky b#stard

I’d rather I’d be dead

Sorry, my mistake

Then surely you’re a Blue?

You ignorant w#nker

You haven’t a f#cking clue

I’m proud to walk the Manny Road

And equally proud of my LH abode

So give me you grief, your snide’s and your sh#te

Go f#ck yourself…

And C’mon You Whites

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Hopeless Romantic

‘Please, please, don’t leave me’

He drops to the floor and begs

‘You said you loved a man in uniform

So I took that job in Greggs

I got you that second hand atlas

Cos you wanted to see the world

I bought that Prince cassette

Cos you love diamonds and pearls


Please, please, please don’t leave me

Please don’t have a break

I’ll change- Be more attentive



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Crocodile Tears

Snatched innocence makes headline news

The community rallies in search of clues

The caretaker seems keen

Eager to impress

His girlfriend holds a card close to her chest

Hopes... concerns... it’s all a pretence

Only he speaks of innocence in the past tense


Before the press with family members

He looks to the left as he tries to remember

Her final sighting, how things...

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cold blooded murderlies

The Return of 7:22 (at 7:27 )

In their wool blend suits

And Primani boots

Crusaders on a mission  

Like jockeys before the National

They jostle for position

As the 7:22 snakes into view

They anticipate her breaks

She grinds unto a squeaking halt

Before the incumbents make their escape

Hands in pockets lined in pockets

Aligned to the doors

They brace and embrace the putrid heat

Swim toward a ...

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Favourite Shoes

My dad's favourite shoes

He saved them for best

He wore them just once

As we laid him to rest





Dedicated to the loving memory of Jack Evans; love you dad x

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The First Lady of Strangeways

A Victorian street in Ashton

The home of Mary Ann

A married mother of two

Who hatched a cunning plan

Factory worker by day

And barmaid by night

She purchased a packet of Harrisons

To see off an infestation of mice


Topped her daughter for tenner

‘Epilepsy’ took her fellas life

She fancied the bloke ‘cross the road, so

Next she killed his wife

Peelers got sus...

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Executionvictorian era

Bottoms Up

You can skew your view
Through the bottom of a glass
But there's nothing you can do
To change the past

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The Voyeuristic Commuter

I am the voyeuristic commuter

I gaze at your phone, your laptop computer

From behind you, your shoulder

From across the carriage

I note the labels

Attached to your baggage

I see each statement

View transactions online

Watch you re-enter the same pin

Time after time

I know where you were born

The name of your pet     

Which school you went to

When you and your...

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My Cliche Rhyme

She started life as a Roman fort
And became a name synonymous with music and sport
Attracting the greats, the waifs and the strays
Providing a stage for the Babes and the raves
A settlement where three rivers meet
Where the Industrial Revolution rose to its feet
And jangly guitars discovered their beat
Where Emeline, bound, did us all proud
Where the Nazi’s dropped bombs and hatred to the ...

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My battalion of soldiers

All present and correct

Inline, shoulder to shoulder

Ready for me to inspect

Proud, bold, prepared

Standing to attention

An equal band of brothers

Cut and formed to perfection

Fearless before the enemy

For Queen,

For Country,

With a stiff upper lip

One by one they are sacrificed

Coated in a yolky dip

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The Boy Who Seldom Speaks

Hi, my name is Andy

I’m the boy who seldom speaks

The one you call a weirdo

The one you call a freak

Your mum won’t let you play with me

She’s concerned my behaviours strange

Scared you might catch something

Or fall into the autism range

But I’m just a child like you once were

I’m made of flesh and bone

Sometimes I’ll repeat my movements

Or I might prefer to be alo...

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Dignity cannot

Be found at the bottom of

A Bag of popcorn

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You're Everything & More

You warm me up on wet Wednesday nights

You’re my half time cup o’Bovril

You excite me by faux candlelight

Sticky page of a Mills & Boon novel

Dependable but a pure delight

Like a through ball from Glenn Hoddle


Let me be entertained as I try to explain

…You’re everything and more


You bring me comfort and cure my hunger

Like a pan of ‘tater ash

Still turn my ...

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Black Dog

Black Dog in the garden

Sleeping peacefully

Careful not to wake her

Tiptoe sheepily


Black Dogs ears prick up

Suddenly she’s disturbed

Try to reassure her

Fumble mumbled words


Black Dog barking loudly

Crying for attention

Tethered to her kennel gates

Straining under tension


Black Dog viciously growling

Rope snaps and she’s free

Bounding acros...

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Daniel, My Lover

I once knew a chap named Daniel
Who swore he was a cocker spaniel
He humped his wife's leg, as she lay on the bed
Until I gave him a Readers Wives annual

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James Deansgate

I'm not gonna take it
Jimmy screamed til he was hoarse
Gazpacho's not a course
He smashed his plate
Which sealed his fate...
And exited the kitchen doors

The patrons showed no remorse
James Deansgate
A rebel without applause

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Red Sky

Red sky at night
Caravaners delight
Red sky in morning
Paraffin meets awning

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The Rize of the Cuckoo

Happy anniversary to my amazing wife and best friend...

I hope yer both happy together......
I’m not bitter
He’s fitter
And nothing lasts forever
Shit happens hey?
I’m glad to be rid o’yer
Not saddened to say
I gave yer Chlamydia

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Whenever I Close My Eyes

0240 and 0415... Tears and palpitations
Uncontrollable lucid dreams
Knows no limitations
Premonitions so crystal clear
Questions i dare not ask...
Realisations of my darkest fears
Formed from fragments of the past
A monster lies in wait
Whenever i close my eyes
The beast is gaining weight
Feeding on my cries
Mocking my pounding heartbeat
Laughing at my despair
Waiting for me to fall a...

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An Ode to Stacey Jo

From the moment we first met
Our hearts became entwined
As I gazed through a haze of ceramic displays
I knew you would be mine
Mr Bramwell's art class...
The new girl having a look around
Teenage bravado now seems so crass
I was trying to sound profound

A solitary match
Struck against the floor
Immature giggles groaned to gasps
As Mr Richmond entered the door
The sordid scent of sulp...

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Chained to the Ideal

You offer me all the trappings

A life of luxury

Slave to control, my soul you’re sapping

My sense of security

Skyscraper impresses

Upon me vertigo and jitters

‘You’ve no idea what stress is

This job is not for quitters

Knuckle down and work really hard

You’ll be where I am one day’


Overweight and emotionally scarred

The few hairs left are grey!


I thoug...

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Heroes come in all shapes and sizes

They don’t all wear secret disguises

They don’t all fly through night skies- protecting the town

Some like Burnden Park Pies and Newcastle Brown


Not all heroes go ‘To infinity

…and beyond’

But have the ability

To create unbreakable bonds

They don’t let life’s problems get in the way

Of loving and living each day after day


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Football is not a matter
Of life or death
The shirt on your back
Or the badge on your chest
Million pound contracts
Or zebra striped boots
Model girlfriends
Or photo shoots
It's not about whose going down
Or whose coming up
Trophies, awards
Medals or cups
It's not a personal crusade
Or a quest for glory
It's unique to us all
Our personal story
Football's not about results
But th...

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The Ballad of Madams Wood Road

Born in the 1930s

A generation of Teddy Boys;   

Salford could not handle them

They were making too much noise.

They were sent out to the fields

Into the depths of Madam's Wood

Where they could carry out their debauchery

Where they'd continue to spill their blood.


In the midst of Victorian terraces

Above a network of mines

An odyssey was born here

To stand the...

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Too Fat To Be A Mod

I saw these lads on scooters

One Easter as a child

I fell in love with the chrome and mirrors    

I adored their clothes and style

Carrying eggs for poorly kids

In a mile long convoy

So charitable and chic

Made an impression upon this boy      


All my mates wanted to be famous

My aspirations seemed rather odd

... I knew from that day forward

I wanted to be a M...

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Paper Poppy

Secure in my solitude I stroll the street

Avoiding the attention of the hyenas you meet

Unnatural aggression- desperation not fear

Strangers circling in their designer gear

Razor sharp suits and rubber blunt wit

Dancing on toes they prepare their skit

My expression is glazed, I avoid their eyes

Gaze at my shoes, my phone, and the skies

Try as I may, to resist their appeal


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Black Friday

Sheep begin to flock

Queue around the block

Checkouts are gridlocked

The Frenzy of Black Friday


Jaws drop to the carpet

Gullible easy targets

Riots at supermarkets

Polythene bag army


A quaint Yankee tradition

Shoppers on a mission

Choked into submission

The sale of the f#ckin’ century


Half a million every hour

‘Bargains’ are devoured


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For VM

Her hero; her first knight

The strongest, kindest man she’d ever known

A warm heart and comforting voice

Never needed to raise his tone

He’d been there for her from her first breath

He’d wiped away so many tears

Held her hand for her first tentative steps

Saved her from her fears


They both knew goodbye was coming

And she was scared of being alone

Does he know ho...

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The Recuitment Agent

Standing proud at 5ft tall

Looks like that bloke from The Fall

He span some decks with Phats & Small

Until the day he got the call

But now


He’s a recruitment agent


His suits sharp

His brogues dazzle

His tongue smoothes

The way for his tackle

Come sign with me yeah- we’ll have a ball

The best employers- i know ‘em all

The banks, the skanks, the shanks...

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These Shops

10p mix

And 20 cigs

They’re not for me; they’re for me mam

What do you mean you can’t serve me?

I’ve a note here says y’can


Haircuts shaped in bowls

Laundrette used as goals

Life centred on these shops

Careers begun

Fortunes won

Over the counters of these shops

Friday night suppers

Monday morning cuppas

Adored ‘cos of these shops

Chips devoured


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Its Not That I Dont Love Yer

It’s not that don’t love yer

I just come from a different place

We could reconcile our differences

But there’s no accounting for taste

I wish yer could see things My Way

But to you it’s just white noise

You’d rather listen to your Walkman

Thinking about macho boys

We’re simply not compatible

Surely yer can see that can’t yer?

Fundamentally speaking


You say Sin...

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Costa Del Fylde

I adore the roar of the ocean, the salted sun kissed breeze

A stroll down the shore, in sandals and shorts: sangria sipped with ease

But unfortunately this is Fleetwood

And its minus 12 degrees

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It’s not so nice to see you again

How long’s it been this time?

A regrettable yet unforgettable friend

From the alcoves of mind

Your face fills me with fury

Your grunts fill me with dread

If I were judge and jury-

Well that’s better left unsaid     


It’s not so nice to see you again

You left a message on the phone

If inconsequential or incidental then

What you...

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Her name was Ria

She wer’ from the Isle of Mann

She spoke of fantasies

And an all over body tan

After a few Campari’s

We went back to her caravan

Things got intimate

I explored her with my hands

Stripped her to her breeches

But didn’t go quite as planned

Cos you see, er...


She wer...

Anatomically a man

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For just a few hours

Let’s sample paradise

Take the champagne from the ice

Enjoy the finer things in life


Let down our hair

Paint the town red

Turn the air blue

Have a good time


Like its 1999

...Like we used too


Take the time to eat

To breathe

To shop...

To live like kings...

We both know the horrors

That tomorrow brings



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Anti-social Socialist

I don’t do fondue

Dips or chips

Small talk is global politics


An anti-social socialist

My social skills do not exist

No smutty jokes

No tales or quotes

From the back line of the demo

In fact I have one anecdote

About the time I met John Virgo


I told it at a wedding once

Then she left me midst the vol-au-vants


Fragrant musk of windowlene

Dab and...

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