Stuck on the end of my foot

Like a discoloured mutated cornflake

Putrid figure adjoined to my toe

A blot on my sunbed landscape

Disfigured warped and diseased

Growing in an acute direction

The destroyer of many a sock

My fungal nail infection

 

 

Oh my accursed big toe

The torture, the bane of my life

Causing me problems since I was six years old

When I first faced the chiropodist’s knife

 

I wear shorts whatever the weather

But many holidays in flop-flops I’ve missed

Sandals and socks at the bars and the beach

Like your average German tourist

I wouldn’t consider myself a trend setter

Cos anything goes with a pasty complexion

But fashion faux pas have been committed due to

My fungal nail infection

 

Never been too concerned with my health

Just always got on with it I suppose

My joints creak and ache in the morning

Can only breathe through one side of my nose

Haemorrhoids fall out my back passage

14 years since I had an erection

But the shame and the pain don’t compare to

My fungal nail infection

 

Oh my accursed big toe

Like the leaves of a tree you change

Green to yellow to brown

The texture, aroma is strange

 

 

I decided to get this resolved

And returned to the chiropodist

But when I removed my Sambas’ and socks

It was like a scene from The Exorcist

Once her head had stopped spinning

And she ceased spewing from the scent of disease

She approached my toe with a scalpel

…I just couldn’t let her proceed

Staring back at me I realised

The crux of my affection

Flawed by design but she’s mine

My fungal nail infection