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Humour (Remove filter)

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Just a Synechdoche

One evening in the gloaming with the hour approaching late

I heard a sound, just ask my cat, he may corroborate.

I quickly went alfresco, thought I'd better take a look

A crowd of farmers gathered round to watch a donnybrook.


One farmer in pyjamas with a rubicund complexion,

Officious and unlaundered too, I thought, on close inspection,

Screamed words so execrable ...

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Mirror is the means of communication

and good relations

with the one you love.


Better to be smart and sometimes dull

than dull but sometimes smart.


If she says ‘no’

it means she wants just to talk.

If she says ‘yes’

it means she wants a long walk,

without any talk

But….. with  a good f…



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I Am Laura's Stomach



It’s Monday morning, she’s got up.

When I asked her for breakfast

she told me to shut up.

When I asked her for my porridge

or at least for an orange

she told me to keep quiet

as from today she was on diet.

She has noticed cellulite

and decided to get rid of it.

In the day time it was a real crime,

she didn’t put anything inside me,


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I Learn And Study English


- Let’s start from the very beginning!

- Ok, I know, it’s a very good place to start.

- If you want to know how to read

you have to learn the alphabet.

As far as we are not in a race

you can face 26 letters in one phrase.

“The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog”.

Now we’ll have some dialogue.

You’ll see how new words appear,

I hope everything will...

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By the shores of Lake Lambrini,

Near the foothills of Panini,

And the plains of Fegatini,

Through the valleys in betweeni,

Where the flowing Canneloni,

Meets the wandering Marscapone.


In amongst the Machiato,

Near the fading Tinto Rosso,

‘Neath the shading of Lambrusco,

South of Castle Osso Buccho.


Here a local pasta maker,

Bought out by a...

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A sensitive fellow from Bicester

Told his ex girlfriend how much he'd missed her

Her laughter, her friends,

The romantic weekends;

But mostly the nude games of Twister

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Some men are so energetic,

Earn money working hard.

Their words are so poetic,

That’s what you regard.

But...after drinking alcohol

They become worse a bull,

They behave like a monkey,

They spend money like a donkey.





A woman who drives a car at night


Can shine as the moonlight.


You will notice her by all means.


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Pandora's Box

I'll tell of a greek tragic heroine;

She was known as Pandora by name;

A quiet lass who didn't go out much,

A bit like the Oh lympic flame.


Zeus had commissioned Pandora,

The first lady made from the earth.

He was really quite pleased with the outcome;

Far less messy, he thought, than a birth.


Some say that Zeus craved a companion;

Some say it was...

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humourPandora's Box

I Wrote a Line (with apologies to Johnny Cash)

I keep my notebook open all the time

I keep my pencil lead sharp and very fine

One night I sat and stared from six till nine

In all that time, I wrote a line


This bloody writing takes up all my time

The words go spinning round inside my mind

My brain is always searching for a rhyme

Because one time, I wrote a line.


I've got a real bad case of writer's...

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I am on diet

I’ll put on diet my fattish ass

So that the doorway I could pass.

I’ll do some exercises to lose weight

As fat asses I just hate.

I would like to look a model of super class

Or may be like a slander lass.

I know it’s too bad to amass fat,

But…while rhyming this couplet

I am looking at an apple pie

And a big saliva appears in my eye.

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Revolutionary Recipe Books


The all new recipe books that I saw last week in town
are bound to prove quite popular and to gain some renown
for they have something new which I've never seen before,
you simply rip out a page, add water, heat & stir some more.
Soon you'll have an ideal meal just right for one, 
add another page or two if you also want a cake or bun 
or maybe you've a guest...

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I had a stiff neck so I thought what the heck,

I suppose I should visit the quack.

And you know, since that day, I can quite safely say,

It’s uncanny – I’ve never looked back.

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Coopey's Groupies

Tuesday night at the G & D,

Quiz and supper for 50p,

Will we win?  We’ll have to see

When the marking’s done.

The team’s the same usually,

Comprised of friends and family -

All G & D devotees;

We don’t half have some fun.


Besides myself there’s Phil and Glen

(We knock on questions 1 to 10)

Glen knows them all though later when

He has us all in s...

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20 Years from Now

For 5 long years I’ve lived beside

These other senile twits,

In this home for retirees,

Biddies and Old Gits.


To offer some excitement

I read my poems out loud

And started to attract

An appreciative crowd.


40 perhaps or 50

Attentively sat round,

Hanging on my every word

Like I was Ezra Pound.


I read to them my comic verse

(I ...

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Do Not Bend Forward...

Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight,
Pale flesh that shouldn’t see the light of day;
Lace, lace against your skin so soft and white.

Those shapely, rounded, squatting hips invite
My roving eye, lured in and led astray;
Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight.

Stretched denim curving, arcing out of sight,
With squeaking stitches pulled in every way,
Lace, lace aga...

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