its a sarcastic continuation of the athropomorphosis of the sun into a person, whereby the sun isn't the only thing kissing her that morning and that thing is a bloke called Barry after a night to (not) remember.

Comment is about If we did (blog)

Original item by Dermot Glennon

Merci!
Ok... here is what threw me - perhaps a typo?

'grins as you notice the bottle of Rohypnol,
explains its name is Barry,'

its - meaning the bottle??? Or was it meant to be 'his' ...another person there?

Comment is about If we did (blog)

Original item by Dermot Glennon

The date rape thing at the end is a bit of dark comedy really (because that's what I do). It serves several purposes:
1. I am a fan of a German poet called Heinrich Heine (whom I referenced in the Water Sprite)
2. The cold, cynical opportunism of Barry is a counterpoint to the viewpoint character's handwringing implausible projections used as excuses for inaction.
3. It instantly devalues all of the prior content to the status of being the set up lines for a sick joke. Once these lines are heard, an audience will forget what the rest of the poem was about such that it leaves no aftertaste, like a crisp white wine, and most importantly:
4. the effect of point three covers my tracks such as to provide a get out from any deep conversations that might otherwise occur at the end of a reading.

I use the above technique quite a lot.

Comment is about If we did (blog)

Original item by Dermot Glennon

I used to wear purple hot pants and a poncho when I was a girl. Maybe similar attire would have echoed the religious theme even better. I mean - who knows what goes on under that surplice?
I do think we are all being a tad mean to Alex though - it was an interesting poem - we just need something more heavy weight for this spot. Speaking of which - has anyone read Emmerson's 'Lifelines' - such a good read. Could we not have a system where readers can vote for their poem of the month. That would avoid all the back biting and hurt. Think I'd hate to be chosen - just couldn't handle the criticism.

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Nabila, I cannot believe that you have not been flooded with comments of appreciation for your essay; it is clear, helpful and encouraging to all. I look forward to knowing you, and sharing ideas and poetry with you. I, also, have been tagged similarly. Many readers say my work always has a 'sting in the tail'. I even have a poem called 'The Velvet Conversation' based on the 'iron fist' theme. Finally, I am learning how to share via the 'net, and I must post something. Perhaps that one should be my kick-off.

Comment is about An iron hand in a velvet glove (article)

Yes - the ending intrigues me. I've worked out that Rophynol is a sleeping drug also used for date rape. Are you trying to say that had the girl/ you taken that chance, she might have ended up finding love instead of abuse?
On the whole a cynical piece - all love destined for failure or non expression - or should I have said a realistic piece? The ending also seems very wistful - I guess love is what we all want deep down really. Whether I'm right or wrong - I did enjoy it. Thank you.

Comment is about If we did (blog)

Original item by Dermot Glennon

I read this a few times DG and I really like it...
It is so unpredictable, yet I am a bit lost on the last 3 lines...
some explanation would be of great help...
if you are ever so inclined : )

Comment is about If we did (blog)

Original item by Dermot Glennon

Mal
May be she was just Craven A need for company...she'd never be alone with a Strand...

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

I am beginning to feel that she should button her coat and cross her legs.

I am tempted to take up smoking, but selecting the brand is going to be a problem.

Sobranie may be suitably poetic.

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Saturn/Khronos -- connected with time and old age -- mortality. And corona cigars. Cigarette smoke aka incense. Lent is thrift and chastity. She smokes but she is sexually unavailable (shag is a type of tobacco).

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Regal? Another brand of cigarettes.
I also think the poem might reference Saturn. The planet has purple rings, and the god Saturn ate his own children (Purple People Eater). Saturn is supposedly the earliest blueprint for God and the trinity. The girl appears to be melancholic -- the humour associated with Saturn.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_(mythology)

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Since I joined In December, this is the first time I have seen a poem by you and it is GREAT!

LOVE IT


not sure of the form, but wording is good.

Comment is about If we did (blog)

Original item by Dermot Glennon

I was on my way to bed - 'cos I really am incredibley tired, and then I saw this - and started reading again. And as I'm reading I'm thinking: this is fantastic, fan-bloody-great!, and I have to keep stopping and going back to read bits because it's really very, very good; and then I'm nearly at the end... and I'm shouting .... go on! have to, man! just go for it! ... though very quietly, underneath my breath - don't want to wake the cat, after all. And then! And then....!
And then .... there are the last 3 lines. Humph!
Cx

Comment is about If we did (blog)

Original item by Dermot Glennon

Poem of the month should be scrapped.

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Go on Isobel! Treat yourself - be pedantic! And I would love to have you write a thesis on it. I think it's pretty lightweight really. It is what it is, a short story. I guess there's stuff you could read into it, intentionally (by my intention in writing it) or otherwise. Most of all I hope it might entertain some people - on at least some level, and that it is reasonably accessible. If my vocabulary and imagination was a Lego set, then I was attempting to build a Newlyn fisherman's cottage. Not easy with Lego - the lobster pots were a real challenge.
Regards,
A.E.

Comment is about lifelines (blog)

Original item by Anthony Emmerson

This gets more interesting all the time.

Purple in lent is about mourning and royalty for some churches. Should we mourn for the smoking woman or is she regal. I certainly never considered her to be representing Silk Cut cigarettes, but then I didn't think of a purple people eater either in relation to this poem.

Anthony raises many points that are worth answering in detail. That might best come from Alex Smith, but he may not wish to do so.

However, I do think it is a poem and that it does scan.

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Powerfuel, wow and kerpow! All strength to your driven voice. More!

Comment is about Chris Jam (poet profile)

Original item by Chris Jam

Eloquent, moving, oddly dispassionate and then there's a bloom of emotion, an astringent leak of despair. It's very finely crafted indeed. It's the detailed richness with which you show us the sea widow's beliefs, her simple magic thinking that knitting will draw the men to shore -- against the fact that being born with a caul didn't prevent her husband's death. Crikey, this makes the poem come alive. Fab!

Comment is about lifelines (blog)

Original item by Anthony Emmerson

Hi Isobel,
And thanks for your very generous comments on "lifelines." Your "Mixer Tap Madness" reminded me of something my very first boss once told me - that "Marriage is like a hot bath - not so hot once you get used to it!" I liked this sideways, humorous, gentle look at relationships. Myself, I'm still seeking that champagne-filled jacuzzi experience (someone will probably have tiddled in it before I get there!) Nice one,
Regards,
A.E.

Comment is about Mixer Tap Madness (blog)

Original item by Isobel

There used to be a series of magazine advertisements featuring pieces of slit purple silk. I believe the girl is smoking the brand of cigarettes they alluded to.

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Well guys I have to admit I'm struggling with this - on several levels. Firstly I ought to say that I know very little of the technicalities and intricacies of poetry; I'm not too well read and I have never been published. That probably tells you that I shouldn't comment at all on this piece - but I'm going to anyway.

Firstly, I've read this several times but still have no idea what qualifies it as a poem - except for the fact that it has been chopped up into convenient three-line stanzas. If it wasn't arranged so, but just presented as a piece of prose, ought I still be able to recognise it as a poem? Can any piece of prose be chopped up and called a poem? If so, then what's the point of trying to write poetry? We could just all write prose and chop it up to suit.

First stanza:

The saints along the nave
and crucifix at the end
are veiled in their Lent purple.

This doesn't work for me as a sentence - or an idea/description. The word "along" has no particular meaning in fixing the position of "the saints", and are they also "along" the crucifix? This seems grammatically and punctuationally clumsy. Not sure I like the word "veiled" - too much like a cliche in this usage.

Second stanza:

Outside, a girl is sitting -
knees wide apart - on a bench
enjoying a lunch-hour smoke.

This stanza pushes us in a direction that I'm not sure is entirely intentional. Without the inclusion of the "knees wide apart" qualifier it is an unremarkable observation. Is it included just for that faint whiff and promise of erotica?

Third stanza:

Her unbuttoned coat
is spread open, its lining
a purple sheen

Again, this for me is just an observation. Her coat would have to be "unbuttoned" to be "spread open". Not sure about "purple sheen." Sheen is one of those words like "shards" - greatly overused in modern poetry to add that "in the know" credibility. So, we're three quarters of the way there and we know that in the church the saints and (presumably) the crucifix have been covered in purple fabric. Outside a girl wearing an unbuttoned coat with a purple lining is sitting smoking with her legs apart. Now I'm at the stage where I'm really hoping this last stanza is going to deliver - revelation, surprise, a smile, a neat juxtaposition, original thought whatever.

Fourth stanza:

in the spring sunlight.
She is almost
of the same religion.

The same religion as what? The bench? Her coat? Oh, I get it - I'm supposed to make my own connection! Well I'm sorry, but if that's what I wanted I would have struggled with a cryptic crossword instead. Yes, I'm the kid who just saw the Emperor naked. This could have been two polaroid photographs for me; one of the inside of the church and one of the girl. Would I have looked at them and still have been expected to make some kind of connection, apart from the colour purple? (Is there a connection?) I guess all this proves just one thing; that I'm badly in need of some poetic education. All that I have admired over the years about poetry just isn't there - no clever word-play, no underlying rhythm or meter, no original similie or metaphor, no new or original viewpoint. My personal litmus test for whether a poem appeals or not is "did it move me in any way?" This didn't. It could have been a random passage taken from a newspaper or magazine article. It leaves the reader to do an awful lot of work to get anything (other than the words contained within itself) out of it.
OK, I admit it, I'm thick. So come and educate me guys. I don't wan't to miss out on what you are all getting from it, and I'm keen to expand my knowledge and perception. Is this what I should be aspiring to?
Regards,
A.E.

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

I can't find the reference in Apollinaire but will continue looking. I only have Alcools, though, and if it's not in there, I won't find it. (And if I don't find it quickly, I just might give up ...)

It's easy to overinterpret a poem that is so reticent. It is the last two lines which invite the speculation and indeed turn it from unremarkable to worth taking note of.

It's good to have poems that open up rather than close down at the end. If I have a criticism, it is that the language is underplayed. Not by a lot.

I would not like to see it made any longer. I don't see anything else to say. And there is always a danger that expanding will mean explaining and that would actually detract from its effect.

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

George Brown?! Have you slipped in to another of your time warp wotsits Gus?
Cx

Comment is about Mi CaSA (blog)

Original item by Chris Jam

A great rant truth packed with humour, truth and even pathos. I'd love to hear it performed.

Comment is about Mi CaSA (blog)

Original item by Chris Jam

Can't add much as it's mostly been siad above, but must just say that I definitely do not think it should have said more. It says just enough to stir things up -- as shown by all discussion here. I think it's excellent.
Daffni

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Absolute gleaming, multi-faceted gem of a poem -- will reply in verse. Draining peas sounded vampiric.... You poetry molecular gastronome and virtuoso dynamo, you!

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

Powerful stuff Chris.

It's a performance Rant... not a page poem in my view..
Great stuff... send it to George Brown and his merry band... u tube... Britains got talent...everywhere great message!!

Comment is about Mi CaSA (blog)

Original item by Chris Jam

Great stuff, and very good voice. Agree with Nabila's comments, and feel it could just be polished up slightly - perhaps spell check? We all make typo errors but sometimes they change the meaning - lassie fayre/laissez-faire for instance. Or maybe you meant lassie fayre? - dog meat tying in with fast food chains - in which case, very clever!
You're obviously very used to performing and have good mic technique, you are ever so slightly sibilant sometimes - can make it sound a bit hissy. Where there is an s at the end of the word try saying it as a z - Mr. Bojanglez for instance, feels strange at first but it works.
Hope you don't mind me saying!
:)
Cx

Comment is about Mi CaSA (blog)

Original item by Chris Jam

Great stuff...really like your style and innovation with words.

I am honest in crtiticism and that is what I am here for,so don't take offence, as sometimes writers do but I feel this is more of a performance piece as it does need more work as a page poem ...really depends on what you want it to do.

If you would like more feedback as a page poem, just ask.

Comment is about Mi CaSA (blog)

Original item by Chris Jam

you've got a great voice...nice to see the pic (I know some of these writers/performers)

Comment is about speAkeasY (blog)

Original item by Chris Jam

Welcome.....you are sensational and a breath of fresh air x

Comment is about Chris Jam (poet profile)

Original item by Chris Jam

Very nice, and so true! Your a prophet! A person that can see through all the lies.is it not interesting that every president, that ever tried to stop the banks ended up under ground? That is if you know history, and many do not know it. What we all have, is the superior banks in charge of the world, and our elected do as they are told. bravo! good poem!

Comment is about Mi CaSA (blog)

Original item by Chris Jam

I don't think anything can be added really. Exquisite! Don't know how people are going to get through it, but at least your verse had me laughing. Thanks for a treat.
MIke

Comment is about Mi CaSA (blog)

Original item by Chris Jam

wow, this sounds political John. Liberation is never free, someone will have to die because the banks pay for the wars. They always have and they always will. The mad monkey kings have us all by the throats. good one!

Comment is about Inside out (blog)

Original item by John G.Hall

Good one! Love the words of the WHO, but sad to say they are all fooled, its in the water.Its all shit, the whole world. thanks good poem

Comment is about Why This Life (The Wind Up) (blog)

Original item by Noetic-fret!

nice one Yosh!Its all about money and the banks.best watch out, or you may offend fascist and be censord.

Comment is about SAD SYMPHONY (blog)

Welcome to wol, that is if you have just joined. Good luck blue
Mike

Comment is about Chris Jam (poet profile)

Original item by Chris Jam

A raunchy little number - liked this one too -it's fun and we all need to inject fun into poetry now and again.

Comment is about Breathless at the Butcher's . . . or . . . The Sins of the Flesh. (blog)

Original item by Anthony Emmerson

Hi Clarissa - thanks fo taking the time to read and comment, much appreciated.
I'm not a fan of politicians in general, but our current crop just seem so intent on getting, and keeping, their hands in my wallet.
Thieves, Rogues and Vagabonds all.

Comment is about Deep Pocket Parliamentary Shanty (A song for modern day pirates) (blog)

Original item by Alan McKean

excellent poem Yosh!!!

Comment is about SAD SYMPHONY (blog)

Oh, poor Song of Sixpence! Did it die from an inflation related malaise? Has it been taken into custody by Mr Darling? I am very sorry that there is now an hiatus where there was once something beguiling and valuable.

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

Could be a viral ad for Cadbury's chocolate. A continuation of the dancing-eyebrow children and superceding the gorilla on drums?

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

"I said Mr Purple People Eater, what's your line?
He said eating purple people, and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock 'n roll band"
Yes, Sheb Wooley adds to the references and inferences. The girl could be a groupy or a snack.

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

you can edit without removing and starting again , but why not copy them if you are worried , , i think erotic would be better yes :) but it has made me laugh like a drain ( groan )

Comment is about Mixer Tap Madness (blog)

Original item by Isobel

Thanks for reading and your comments on 'Requiem..' - glad you liked it.
Cx

Comment is about Winston Plowes (poet profile)

Original item by Winston Plowes

Good luck with your appointment. Hope it goes well Gus. Thank you for your valued comments on recent works. Much appreciated and noted.

Comment is about Gus Jonsson (poet profile)

Original item by Gus Jonsson

I liked this poem with and without sound Mike. What a shame you wiped out your comments by resubmitting it. Can't remember my words exactly but it was along the lines of:-
I found the poem very touching - obviously a lot of history here that we can only guess at.
Izz x

Comment is about Swan (Shinsen feat. Noetic Fret) (blog)

Original item by Noetic-fret!

Facsinating! What an absolutely amazing place to live. Do please email me some novel snippets -- I would love to read them. Thank you for your elucidation. And I was playing about with the karma/kama thing due to sometimes having some very silly moments. That was one of them. Oh yes, sometimes I am a mess of giggles. The Ian Banks Wasp Factory reference (sorry, it's rude of me to presume everyone has the same reading list) -- and this is a spoiler -- the protagonist is raised as a girl, tells the story as a girl, but is actually discovered to be, in a very wonderful and awry denouement, a boy. Virginia Woolf's Orlando lives through several centuries and changes sex every time the era shifts. They might be interesting references for you -- both are damned good reads and have a lot to say about sex and gender.

Comment is about Gus Jonsson (poet profile)

Original item by Gus Jonsson

Absolutely brilliant ... a shaft of insight to be interpreted as the reader alone is capable

Comment is about On a theme of Apollinaire (article)

Merci... that is quite a lofty place for me to be ; )

I see where Moxy is coming from with the tenses as I read through a few more times...
I get you - so I understood, but analysing each line you go from past to present and back again too many times...

I always enjoy reading your work and you have great style...

Comment is about Gus Jonsson (poet profile)

Original item by Gus Jonsson