Hiya you

Right. Held off on commenting on this for the first few reads for the following reasons:

1. I've a gig on the date of your play and am therefore some sort of evil cultureless bastard whose opinion isn't even worthy of contempt. (I really wanted to see it!)

2. I like this poem, but there's a few lines I'm not keen on.

It's a great angry, bilious poem - full of spite. I agree with Helen, line 5 is a blinder. However...

Your first line is a cliche. Sorry, but it is. It's an over-familiar phrase - and given that you present a much more vivid (and funny) portrait of the groupie within the rest of the poem, it's also completely unnecessary. It didn't hook me. It also doesn't fit the rhyme scheme.

May I suggest getting rid of the first line entirely and starting with...

"Groupie - turns up in heels
Purely there..."

That way you'd be launching straight into an 'a,b' rhyme scheme. It's a great rhyme scheme that convinces us of the narrator's anger. It rattles along and is dead confrontational.

Which leads me to my next point - Your last two lines address the groupie directly. What if the rest of the poem did this? Just an idea.

"putty in his hands" is also a cliche and I initially had problems with it, but groupies are cliches, aren't they? So I think we can let that one go.

Your last line needs to be punchier. It's good, but it kind of sputters to a halt. May I suggest switching it around a bit and ending on a half-rhyme? It would read...

"I just don't get it, the way you behave
If it's attention you crave, get your own fucking stage!"

Or something like that.

Anyway, what the fuck do I know?! Writing what amounts to an essay in response to your poem, and then being audacious enough to have a gig on the night of your play. In some sort of way that makes me worse than Hitler, doesn't it?

And as for the swearing... Well, there's two things I can tell you about swearing -

1. It's big.
2. It's fucking clever.

Ah, you knew I was gonna say that, didn't you?

Have a good 'un.

Steve

Comment is about Groupie (blog)

Original item by Mia Darlone

I forgot, my Grandfather was a ww2 fighter pilot, and many others in my family were in that war, Im sure they would have loved to stay home and not get sick and blown up, so you could still speak English. HIstory, who came spoiling for a fight when we wanted to be free, of opressive taxes? We learned very well the art of war, and its very sad, The people just elected a guy that made many promises, one was about the wars, seems they are going to leave one place and be sent to another.Afganistan. Im sorry, but it really chaps me, when people think all americans are the same way.when you say spoiling for a fight, You should look at all wars and see what countrys are there, we are not alone.Then you have to wonder, why war? Because it makes lots of money for a few at the top and thats not you or me.

Comment is about Macho moderation (blog)

Original item by Christopher Dawson

HI Melissa, nice/wonderful poem!!! Im sorry to hear about your kitty, of 18 years. I do hope she gets better. I had a dog once, that had tumors and was blind, he was about 20 years old, lived for a long time that way, and very happy. as a child my pet cat had stomach cancer and we had to put him to sleep, I was a mess for a long time after that.I hope your kitty will be ok and live as long as she is to live on this earth, as happy as she can be. xxxxxxxoooooo

Comment is about Shadows Across The Moon (blog)

Yep, thats us, sounds like all of us, and we learned well. Add to it, a canadian chopped a mans head off and was eating him, a German kid went crazy and killed some people.Yeah we are all headfucks, but our elected government are the worst headfucks ever, they dont do what we tell them to do.Yes, by God we control hollywood, our government and the scum sucking music, btw wonder who writes all that great shit? HUM, the undereducated masses? Uncle sam is dead, us headfucks are in the gutters, and yall may be joining us soon. Trash is every place, can we send some to you?Or is your government the same as mine?Do your youth bump and grind?Drink to much and box it out, just after having their cards read into a machine, that tells the government where they have been? Ah yes what a great little poem you have here.Now Ill go and be happy that I have the first and second amendment, that guarantees my rights, to free speech and to own a gun, to keep the balance between the power of the people and the government.A government that seems to become more socialist each day. I may wake up in the morning and be in china. Nice GUN!! looks kinda small, is it a lighter?

Comment is about Macho moderation (blog)

Original item by Christopher Dawson

Thank you, both. I brought her home today, and we're not sure still if that thing in her mouth is or is not a tumor. She still has a bad infection, which needs to be taken care of first with antibiotics, but she seems happy to be home. And I'm happy that she's still with me. :)

Comment is about Shadows Across The Moon (blog)

Hi Melissa,
Hope your cat is going to be OK. I have two at present and wouldn't be without them, and have lost several in the past. I feel for you.
Regards,
A.E.

Comment is about Shadows Across The Moon (blog)

Hi Steve - I have lived in Wigan for around 12 years or so, but I have also had the misfortune to attend one of the 'Egg' nights in Liverpool. You know the one. Self indulgent vocalists hog the 'stage' and wallow in their own delusions.
Both me and another Wigan poet, John Togher, arrived too late to perform. I wrote a little piece about it. Come Strut Your Stuff - We will, if you give us a chance!
I'm over it now, and I've performed there since. It's actually not THAT bad...

Thanks for your comments.
PS - I remember Sam Brady!

Comment is about Steve Regan (poet profile)

Original item by Steve Regan

Hi David
Thanks for inquiring about my gig at Bar-Blue, St. Leonards. It is still doing well and attracting mostly Singer-Songwriters previewing their new material. I am airing some of my new songs as well.
Regards
Alvin

Comment is about David Andrew (poet profile)

Original item by David Andrew

Hi Sian, thanks for your lovely comment on my poem, 'cause and effect.'
Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing when given the opportunity to voice it peacably. :-)

Love Janet.x

Comment is about sian howell (poet profile)

Original item by sian howell

Ha ha. very good.
I thought you said you're an aetheist?

Your loving Christian, Janet.x

Comment is about The York's Prayer (blog)

Original item by Simon Rennie

Hi Melissa,
will the moon come out to play, brings some lovely imagery.
I've been there too. Sleepless and in tears, many times. Does nothing at all for the complexion :-)

ps. prayer sent out for your cat to be pain free.
Bless you.
Janet.x

Comment is about Shadows Across The Moon (blog)

Hi anthony thanks so much for your kind comments. You have a great ability to keep the reader's interest and maintain the integrity of the story throughout the length of your work.Very impressive . Sian x

Comment is about Phoenix (blog)

Original item by Anthony Emmerson

Thanks for reading and your kind comments on 'A Poem'. It was a painful experience, for sure, writing helps.
I preferred your smiling face photo by the way!
Cx

Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (poet profile)

Original item by Anthony Emmerson

This is so incredibly beautiful... every time I read it I am in awe...

Comment is about Words (blog)

Original item by Alison Mary Dunn

Thank you for your lovely comment Anthony...
I just read 'Weather Report' And I especially liked this part:

But oceans could not
scour away
the footprints
in the sand of me.
Each stinging kiss
has left its hollow mark
on skin that feels
forever scarred
and stained.

Even though this is very sad and I can feel the depth of emotional pain - it's beautifully written...

Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (poet profile)

Original item by Anthony Emmerson

Hi Anthony,
thanks for your comment on 'cause and effect.'
Yes it is about being stopped by the police.
I didn't actually mind being stopped, although i'd done nothing wrong. It was his whole attitude in his belief that i had. Not allowing me to speak and his unprovoked verbal attack which i was shocked and upset about. I was simply trying to do my job as he was supposed to be doing his.
The problem is, if i'd got his number and reported it, how much more of the same could i look forward to in the future. It's so frustrating and downright unlawful to use the power of a uniform to vent feelings and cause untold upset to an innocent person, then not even have the decency to admit that this time they got it wrong. I don't get that kind of treatment from some of the most drunk customers let alone the police.
Now i feel much better because i can vent my frustrations in writing. :-)
Thanks again.
Janet.x

Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (poet profile)

Original item by Anthony Emmerson

Hi Sian,
Liked this very much. Why do we keep reminders of sometimes painful past experience? Maybe it's a learning and reminding experience - or perhaps it's the somewhat masochistic pleasure of revisiting past trauma. We have all done it at some, time and your poem neatly encapsulates the shared and universal experiece of this. A rewarding read.
Regards,
A.E.

Comment is about Banana Boxes (blog)

Original item by sian howell

Hi Winston,
And thanks for taking the time to read and comment on "Phoenix". Yes, it is long, most of the stuff I do is I guess. I have yet to master short and succinct! I suppose there is no easy way of writing narrative poems in short form, and I do like to try to tell stories in my poetry.
Poor, poor butterfly! Whatever did it do to deserve such an ignominious fate?
Regards,
A.E.

Comment is about Winston Plowes (poet profile)

Original item by Winston Plowes

Hi Val,
and thanks for comments on "Phoenix." I guess the story ends there - except for the usual "happily ever after." I'm not sure I could extend it. However, I do seem to write an inordinate am,ount of narrative poetry, so there will be more stories.
Your "Paradise" is an interesting concept of the near-death experience - if that is indeed what you intended! I won't mind at all if I go that way! I also enjoyed the gentle eroticism of "Bliss" - understated and mentally stimulating
Regards,
A.E. x

Comment is about Valerie Cook (poet profile)

Original item by Valerie Cook

Thanks Win for your comment on 'You Came', and thank you also for the song lyrics you sent- very impressed.
I only get growled at when waking the offsping these days, though it's about my Mum (I'm sure she visited when I was having a stressfull time) x

Comment is about Winston Plowes (poet profile)

Original item by Winston Plowes

Ah I see. Thank you. It was all Greek to me.

Comment is about Malpoet (poet profile)

Original item by Malpoet

Greek homework - haphazardly with a lot of procrastination - in my case anyway.

Pas d'elle y'a Rhone car nous - paddle your own canoe. Not massively funny on its own - the fun comes in watching people tie themselves in knots trying to translate it.

Cx

Comment is about Malpoet (poet profile)

Original item by Malpoet

Can't work that one out. Bit thick really.

You do get up to some odd things Juniper. How does a Greek home work?

Comment is about Malpoet (poet profile)

Original item by Malpoet

Well done, Christopher, a great evocation of the joy of being alive, being human, and being in love. It's inspired me to post one of my East Anglian poems, but not really a joyous one!

Comment is about A Norfolk lane (blog)

Original item by Christopher Dawson

I'm supposed to be doing my Greek homework but couldn't resist a look at Mots d'heures: Gousses, Rames. Very funny!
Only other similar thing I've come across is:
pas d'elle y'a Rhone car nous.
Cx

Comment is about Malpoet (poet profile)

Original item by Malpoet

A guy called Digby has just drawn my attention to a book called 'Mots d'heures: Gousses, Rames' (Mother Goose Rhymes). It is absolutely brilliant.

What it does is translate english nursery rhymes into real French words that sound the same as the English, but are complete nonsense in French. It is hilarious and at the same time a perfect satire on Modernism and the pretentious poets like Eliot and Pound.

Just Google

Mots d'heures: Gousses, Rames

It is well worth a look.

Comment is about The Waste Land - T S Eliot (blog)

Original item by Malpoet

So eloquently put into words... I love the lines

'How you waken in me

What I’ve let slip through time'

Comment is about Expressions so Deep (blog)

Original item by Alison Mary Dunn

great audio version...sian x

Comment is about Different Dad (blog)

Original item by Seamus Kelly

Hi Sian, thank you for taking the time to read and your kind comments about Ask. Deb x

Comment is about sian howell (poet profile)

Original item by sian howell

Hello Gus, thank you for your kind comments on my poem. It was good to see you perform your King Tut in person last week and to have a giggle, normally it's the other members of my Jordan clan who giggle at fartyness, it must have become infectious, oh dear. : ) Deb

Comment is about Gus Jonsson (poet profile)

Original item by Gus Jonsson

Hi Sian, Thanks for your comment about different dad - and the request for an audio version. I've not done one before so it took a bit of fiddling between machines but I'm putting one up this evening (if I can)

Seamus

Comment is about sian howell (poet profile)

Original item by sian howell

cheers for the comments, much appreciated >;)

Comment is about stolen stars aka. any excuse to call london a cunt (blog)

Original item by owen calvert

Hi Winston - thanks again for taking time to read and make comment

steve

Comment is about Winston Plowes (poet profile)

Original item by Winston Plowes

Hi Peter,
i'm in full agreement with Francine.
The same lines caught my eye too.
Beautiful piece of work.
Janet.x

Comment is about wish I could sculpt you (blog)

64,000. I've seen that number used before in a very different poem i'm sure.

I like your poem very much. It's packed with truth, inclinations and underlying tones of sarcasm with double meanings in many places.
It's quite hard hitting in places too because of the many people in society these days who resort to self abuse.
Love it.

Janet.x

Comment is about 64,000 - cradle to grave (blog)

Hi Sian
thanks for your kind comments on my latest post (UMT). Winston

Comment is about sian howell (poet profile)

Original item by sian howell

Hi Owen,
Glad you liked the little book (took a while in the post though!) I like writing these Haikus, they have certain advantages but its difficult to get the message accross in so few words. thats the challenge i guess. There is a discussion thread on Haiku in the forum at the moment. Winston

Comment is about owen calvert (poet profile)

Original item by owen calvert

hey winston how goes it? just received yr book in the post - an exquisite collection mate, very decent! especially liking the yorkshire haikus, you should definitely write more of those lil' gems

take it easy matey! drop me a line sometime

owen

Comment is about Winston Plowes (poet profile)

Original item by Winston Plowes

Thanks for the kind words.

On the gig review: still waiting some replies.

Done this review so that users can have up-to-date gig info. So pleased to hear from anyone who knows that a gig is no longer running, has changed venue, day of the week, .....

David

Comment is about Wow! Look at the gig guide! (article)

Original item by Julian Jordon

this ones for you to record Chris

Comment is about wish I could sculpt you (blog)

Absolutely beautiful! Record it?
Cx

Comment is about wish I could sculpt you (blog)

Excellent.
Cx

Comment is about Nintendo (blog)

great.! love this

Comment is about Cooking the book (blog)

Original item by Rod Whitworth

Hello there Sian.
Thanks.
I dont feel exhausted, i feel relieved!
Depending on the poem, most just are one take with the usual spelling checks and odd line shuffle. Its just automatic writing/therepy it comes out in rhyme on its own, I have to be careful not to allow that to guide it, so its the usual delicate path us poets tread! I do just see it as therapy though, or the need to express.

Unfortunate I often hide the true meanings several layers down so it can be lost. Hidden clues and sub poems are frequent in my work. A lot of the things I write have hidden things which I have placed for the keen eye to find. Some are jokes, some are clues, some are nodds to poets or songwriters or friends or relations. Some are double or even triple meanings, its fun, like playing a game or daydreaming as a child. I dont really try and be page poet perfect, just enjoy pouring emotion out really love, thanks for your comments.

A great smile you have!

Comment is about 64,000 - cradle to grave (blog)

Hi Sian, some great lines here, nice one. Have read some of your others, really enjoyed. I'm just catching up with stuff and wanted to comment, best wishes Jeff X

Comment is about The Car (blog)

Original item by sian howell

My word Pete how do you do it..you give so much within your poetry...it takes my breath away. You must be exhausted after writing the above or does it just flow from you. Just amazing...I loved it by the way. Sian X...thank you so much for your kind words on my piece

Comment is about 64,000 - cradle to grave (blog)

this is great because as Winston mentions, here we have the banana boxes. All the memories, letters and pressed flowers of romance faded.
do we burn them, to release, let go, what use, if only perpetual when the sadness flows thru, better let in the new.....or not????

Lovely poem, 'letters of hate and hope' I particularly like.

I'm a romantic fan of this type of sentiment. I shall fill my bath up with it. :-)

Pete. x

Comment is about Banana Boxes (blog)

Original item by sian howell

a nice beat to this mate! cheers Jeff

Comment is about the band (blog)

Original item by Christopher Dawson

Hi Rod, very clever and made me smile, what time are you serving starters? Ha, cheers Jeff

Comment is about Cooking the book (blog)

Original item by Rod Whitworth

Hi Len, thanx for your email with this poem, really enjoyed it. I only spent a week there but this took me back, you've created a great picture of the Gambia, with its highs and lows, but great spirit in its people, best wishes Jeff

Comment is about So Amazing (blog)

Original item by Lenford White