I too liked this a lot although I would have liked the repetition at the end to mimic that at the beginning. A sort of wrapping up and affirmation. Good words though Georgina!
Comment is about So Lay Me Down. (blog)
Well, it's the nearest to a political poem you're ever going to get from me! xx
Comment is about mother nature's victory!! (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Not weird at all Cynthia...
I lOVE your comment on my poem 'Is it not enough...'
I can see it...
Merci : )
Francine x
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
I don't get the word haunted, but the first verse is wonderfully evocative.
Comment is about Going to the Country (blog)
Hello Alison, I just thought that I ought to apologise for my (now I think about it) inappropriate comments about Anniversary. Your reply hit me like a brick and I've felt pretty shitty since. So please accept my sincere apologies and ineptness for not reading the work properly. Graham
Comment is about Alison Smiles (poet profile)
Original item by Alison Smiles
Pretty good week since the cup exit I'd say. Hope springs eternal!
Comment is about You Spurs! (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
<Deleted User> (6895)
Sun 18th Apr 2010 18:12
Good one Mrs Milligan!(hows Spike?still dead? hee..hee...'I could feel my Father as he walked in???should,nt be allowed!!!I remain Madam, your 'umble servant-Mr Wildeaboutwomen-xx
Comment is about Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice (blog)
Original item by Lisa Milligan
Hi Christine, you asked me to stop by and I've looked at this in detail for quite some time so I hope my crit is useful to you in whatever way possible.
This 2nd poem is more succinct with tighter images than the 1st. It looks like you had some fun writing this maybe torn between narrative and a more minimalist piece letting the images do the work. I'd like you to elaborate on what kind of still life she could be as their are a number of possibilities you could use and elongate the effect. For instance if we look at everything in the poem from the urban background to the protagonist then still life could represent how unnoticed she / the elderly are to other people and a social commentary/statement is made.
in the gusty dusk
an old woman - like a still life -
tightly sketched -
like a twenty-something's shadow
glowing by hunched silence.
You've created a brilliant scene here with the image of the coat wings and the last 4 lines really demonstrate a respect for the character.
There are always scenes beneath scenes, images within images and you've opened the door here and I think with versions 1&2 as respectable as they are as poems that a hybrid and a patient final piece could be a seminal piece of work.
Example of tightening your original piece below too.
in the gusty dusk
still old life -
tightly sketched -
pitched in perilous geometry
to compass corner
defying phantom wheels.
anxious poise pressed against wind scarf-fiddling
flapping coat wings -
crow black
turreted eyes street fixed
denying symbols
credence
Comment is about Old Woman Waiting for a Bus II (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Rachel Bond
Sun 18th Apr 2010 17:34
this is such a good poem kealan x
furry faced cats pedestrianized
preside over freshly retired men
puffing cheroots outside warm cafes
uniform replaced by jazz jackets.
This work reminds me of Cannery Row Steinbeck. Another consistently genius writer.
if youve not read this you must.
i love the sound of this. the images and resonance of the words all tumble into this city scene.
mansions are hotels for the homeless. dead on.
where will i find one of those beautiful women then?
I can feel the steam from sreet coolants. Its all america to me...where did you have in mind?
Comment is about Serenicity. (blog)
Original item by Kealan Coady
Thankyou for commenting on my poem.. time for me to read some of your work now.
Comment is about Kealan Coady (poet profile)
Original item by Kealan Coady
Thank you for your generous review of "Cassie". She is very dear to me. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.
Lisa
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Actuellement, the original version (not on youtube) is nearly 20 years old. (Unlike yours truly!) It reminds me of being in a tent at Bignor Roman Villa. (That's not a football team!) Happy days! xx
Comment is about dance round the kitchen - it's sunday (part 2) (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
This has warmth and charm, great images in clear, bright language, leaving the reader to 'just enjoy' the story.
Comment is about Cassie (blog)
Original item by Lisa Milligan
Made me laugh out loud! Even if it is gruesome.
Comment is about Neck (blog)
Original item by Dave Carr
Mr Owen, I appreciated your gracious comment on Old Woman Waiting for a Bus I. What I would like as well is your input of any kind on the poem itself, or its second version.
Comment is about Antony Owen (poet profile)
Original item by Antony Owen
Thank you for your comments. I'm hoping the last two lines introduce the thought of 'no value to posted schedules ie. bus numbers, times and routes. But who knows?
Comment is about Old Woman Waiting for a Bus II (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
I have tried to see for myself where the thought of possible suicide enters the picture, and I cannot. It seems the introduction of the idea 'as though ...' slipped completely by. I thought the 'curve of expectancy' and 'perhaps it will be early after all' would scuttle all ideas of self-destruction. Have you never seen persons almost hanging into the street or over the tracks staring intently as though willing the vehicle to come according to their schedule? Same idea, just more extreme.
Comment is about Old Woman Waiting for a Bus (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Nice one John. I thought the rhythm stuttered on a few occasions but I take off my hat to you for rhyming "Viagra" and "lags were"!
Comment is about John the Hat (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
John, just to say belatedly how nice it was to meet you at Hebden Bridge the other week. I wanted to look again at some of the poems you read out that night, but they don't seem to be available ... I did admire them. Greg
Comment is about John Darwin (poet profile)
Original item by John Darwin
Dear Cynthia, thanks for your thoughts. the "denying symbols diffidence" was for me that the old lady presents a conundrum: is she waiting intently, eccentric or poorly balanced, even for the bus or is she hoping to fall in front of the bus? The symbolism of the poem left me in three minds hence I found duplicity in meaning, perhaps uncaring, indifferent,or I felt uncertain and so diffident in meaning. However, in writing the poem you have passed the old lady and been concerned about her, what if she hangs there considering suicide? "Denying the symbols diffidence" was the act of turning back and asking her if she was alright, choosing an approach despite the ambiguity. Thats how I felt about it although I appreciate my view may not be "the best/correct" I am aware that she may or may not be imaginary as well.Thats the love of poetry though isn't it, so many different views and images! Jane
Comment is about Old Woman Waiting for a Bus (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Isobel, you are such a supporter. Thanks much. One is almost a 'story', and the other is almost 'abstract'. I've gained some 'reputation' for the former; but I'm really interested in honing other skills as well, just for fun. I actually prefer reading straightforward poems usually, but it's fun to puzzle sometimes, - operative word - SOMETIMES.
Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)
Original item by Isobel
Jane, what an excellent comment on 'Old Woman Waiting ...' I see exactly what you mean about really personal intrusion. I also will consider the idea of 'diffidence' although I don't see how the word works in 'Denying symbols diffidence.' Thanks for your contribution.
Comment is about jane wilcock (poet profile)
Original item by jane wilcock
Thanks Dave for the comment on my Nightjar villanelle.
I got wrong some of the alternate endings in each stanza but put them right in the mp3 (or vice versa) but you're right that I take a few liberties coaxing in the repeating lines for new contexts!
I write this after we beat Arsenal midweek but before we lose to Chelsea this afternoon!
Comment is about Dave Carr (poet profile)
Original item by Dave Carr
Merci beaucoup Isobel pour tes commentaires sur mon poème
'Is it not enough...'
J'apprécie le fait que tu es toujours honnête et généreuse...
Cela m'a fait du bien de l'écrire ; )
xxx
Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)
Original item by Isobel
I like this poem Carole - It has a very calming affect...
I especially like these lines:
'thoughts float through my mind,
I release them in the wake
In water, impermanence
is reality'
Comment is about swim (blog)
Original item by Shoeless Carole
Back on form. Well written. Well done.
Cx
Comment is about swim (blog)
Original item by Shoeless Carole
thought provoking and deep, two great qualities for a poem to have and both are present here.
Comment is about swim (blog)
Original item by Shoeless Carole
Thank you for your comments on my blog post. Really appreciated,
Alison
Comment is about jane wilcock (poet profile)
Original item by jane wilcock
Lol! I have recurrent torticollis so I feel your pain :)
x
Comment is about Neck (blog)
Original item by Dave Carr
Cheers Max and well done on the Uni offer too, Dad is a true story.
x
Comment is about Max Wallis (poet profile)
Original item by Max Wallis
Hi Cynthia,thanks for the comment on the Lucy poem,sorry it's taken me so long to reply by the way. I just really wanted to put 'oer'...don't know why.
x
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Hi Tomas, yep, you got it absolutely spot on, thanks very much for commenting
x
Comment is about Tomás Ó Cárthaigh (poet profile)
Original item by Tomás Ó Cárthaigh
Greg, thanks for your kind comments. People are telling me the first two verses are the best, which is a surprise as matters pastoral is not summat I'd usually write about. More angles opening up!
Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Thanks very much for the comment John. It made me smile :)
x
Comment is about John Darwin (poet profile)
Original item by John Darwin
Ann, thanks for your kind words. We happened to be camping in a forest last week when the election was announced, hence the politics.
Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
<Deleted User> (6895)
Sat 17th Apr 2010 10:46
I had a similar prob too Dave,it prevented me from seeing wether I was coming or going.Good 'ole British humour there! Stef.
Comment is about Neck (blog)
Original item by Dave Carr
the girl who always knows exactly where to bury the hatchet
Comment is about Shoeless Carole (poet profile)
Original item by Shoeless Carole
From hands twined on the village green to dogshite alley and smelly petticoats ... Rabelaisian, Hogarthian, and sod the health statistics! Glad you're back, Ann, and in such fine form
Comment is about doxy (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
These lines, Ray, are I think particularly well crafted:
"agricultural labour/has paused for a cider and a piss in the ditch,/
to puff on a pipe and turn matters over,/late afternoon slumber in the shade of a hedge."
Real music there
Comment is about Going to the Country (blog)
Hahaha. Nice double meaning, made me chuckle and a really nice rhythm too.
Comment is about Neck (blog)
Original item by Dave Carr
I like this. I really love the first two verses, even though I can see that the "point" of the poem is made in the last two. I guess bucolic imagery wins over politics in my own personal general election any day of the week. xx
Comment is about Going to the Country (blog)
Hello Rachel, thank you for commenting on Otis cries. That sound will take a long time to die away from my hearing I feel. Graham
Comment is about Rachel McGladdery (poet profile)
Original item by Rachel McGladdery
Excellent!
I like the internal rhyme of qwerty and dirty. It had never struck me before. I will treasure it.
Comment is about making graves to fall in (blog)
Merit - yes.
I read the first one first. I enjoyed that. I like what you have done. It's hard to know how much to leave out. How much to make the readers work. Nice one. Make them work!!!
Comment is about Old Woman Waiting for a Bus II (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
John,
I like this.
I think it breaks a few rules but what the hell.
Birdwatching must be better than watching Spurs. - Old Sherwood!
Comment is about Goatsucker - Villanelle to Hell's Angel (blog)
Original item by John Coopey
As one door closes another door opens. Hello you - good to see you back. There is so much flux and change on here of late and I am always sad to see people disappear. Familiarity is good - even if it is familiarity that disagrees with you now and again LOL. x
Comment is about Shoeless Carole (poet profile)
Original item by Shoeless Carole
Rachel Bond
Sat 17th Apr 2010 00:03
they never did. just crisscrossed over the horizon and faded to nothing.
Comment is about Shoeless Carole (poet profile)
Original item by Shoeless Carole
Graham Sherwood
Sun 18th Apr 2010 20:17
I found this looking back at your work. Some very lovely words here Alison. I wish I'd seen it earlier.
Comment is about Failure (blog)
Original item by Alison Smiles