Oh I think we are more or less on the same lines Chris. Your careful analyses always wecome. I think the second stanza is my favourite too. I like to play a trick or two. To do you (and Francine) justice, I should explain: the idea came from a conversation with a friend, following a Radio4 program about the 5-year-old brain and school. They spoke of MALLEABLE children and I suddenly realised the 'mal' is that of MALLET!!!!! All was then clear.
Regards.

Comment is about GRAND MAL (blog)

Original item by Barrie Singleton

Hello Andy, thanks for your kind words on First to Depart. It's not as personal as it might appear. There's much of me in there- particularly the obsessional behaviour!- but it's mostly about how my father mourned the loss of my mother, with a bit of Alan Bennett's Talking Heads thrown in.

Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)

Original item by Andy N

Hello Cynthia. Thanks for your kind words on First to Depart. It's empathic in as much as, though there's much of me in the poem, it's mostly about how my father may have mourned the death of my mother.

Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

Dave, glad you liked First to Depart.Thanks for the kind words.

Comment is about Dave Carr (poet profile)

Original item by Dave Carr

Greg, thanks for your kind words on First to Depart. It's my favourite poem and I do like that last verse a lot. Let's not mention the football.

Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)

Original item by Greg Freeman

John, thanks for your comments on First to Depart.Glad you liked it.

Comment is about John Darwin (poet profile)

Original item by John Darwin

Ann, thanks for your kind words on First to Depart. Appreciated,.

Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

bit of a change in tone for you there, kathryn... was nice to see something totally different (from what i have read off yours).. perhaps the last line is a bit tellie but it's the way i would have gone with it..

keep em flowing! would like to see more following on from this..

Comment is about Bluebell Wood (blog)

Hi Dave - glad you liked my war poem, it's not easy writing about domestic violence without making it clichéd - so I decided to ...erm... make it clichéd! I don't often rhyme these days - it often feels forced to me. I love Papa Oscar Echo Mike - nothing forced about that...very clever!
Cx

Comment is about Dave Carr (poet profile)

Original item by Dave Carr

i think cynthia raises a interesting point here, kealan.. i too would be interested to see how this would play out done in second person if not in this poem perhaps a sequal..

either way, i did enjoy this with a great ending.. keep em coming!

Comment is about Fireworks (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

touching poem, ray... surprised in some ways you posted it as poems that appear as personal as that i would have never dreamed of posting on it..

first rate stuff, m8..

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

Beautiful stuff Kealan. You must get to read your stuff soon. Please.

John

Comment is about The Linguist. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

Very thought provoking and unfortunately true...

Je vois ce que ça fait le 'Grand Mal' tous les jours à l'école et à l'université...
C'est un désastre, et ça devient de pire en pire, mais quelle est la solution ?

Comment is about GRAND MAL (blog)

Original item by Barrie Singleton

Dear Dermot,
Well, it was written in the stars...
And I do appreciate your well thought-out advice.
I am not a violent person, however I do have a way
of getting my point across...
Hmmm...
Perhaps I could act this scene out... in a most playful way ; )

Comment is about Dear Dermot (article)

Dear Francine, What a beautiful sentiment - such as could almost rekindle similar in even the most cynical and unyielding of souls. But, luckily I got over it and put aside such nonsense for good old-fashioned hard-nosed pragmatism. I'd go out and hunt down the cheeky devil and frog march this individual back to the scene of this alleged withdrawal and demand recompense; possibly at gunpoint.Yes, it's not often that people come to me for advice on their love lives, but always happy to lend practical advice and handcuffs and a police issue taser.

Comment is about Dear Dermot (article)

Good on you poetry needs your verve !

Comment is about Luke Wright (poet profile)

Original item by Luke Wright

Are you the omniscient writer in this? Maybe it should be second person voice entirely.

In my opinion, it is a strong idea, perhaps needing a strong hand to make it tighter, with culling and more precise diction. Great word play on the title Fireworks.

Comment is about Fireworks (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

The beautiful slow thoughts of many quiet moments brought into words as though talking to the dearest friend of your life, and written with grace and elegance.

I presume this is a marvellous talent for empathy, a true poet's gift.

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

hi - "the beauty queen" - many thanks. B

Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

This is such a sad and moving poem. It almost feels like an intrusion to read it.

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

Beautiful poem Ray, very moving.
Cx

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

This is a fine, fine poem, Ray. The last stanza in particular takes the breath away. I wanted to quote individual lines from it, but realised that was impossible. Each line of that last verse could form the substance of a poem in its own right. Greg

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

Painfully poignant. A gorgeous flow between great warmth and regret at the passing of the time.thanks John

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

I just had to log in to say what a wonderful sensitive and moving poem this is. So touching.

Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)

OK Rachel you are on, but as you are an obvious trouble maker and are probably dead hard, I will only fight you if you agree to have both hands tied behind your back and your feet tied together ha ha.......
TC

Comment is about Beautiful Minds (blog)

Original item by Isobel

Hi Phil

Keep writing haiku! It's an often repeated mistake down the years that haiku are a fixed number of syllables.

Alan

================
Tips about writing a Haiku
================

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happened. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com


.

Comment is about High Haiku (blog)

Original item by Phil Golding

Hi!

Have you written any more haiku?

all my best,

Alan
www.withwords.org.uk
http://area17.blogspot.com

.

Comment is about Haiku (blog)

Original item by Belinda

I'm really chuffed about your comments on Semana Santa, Isobel. We were there for a week in a small town halfway between Granada and Seville, where my daughter was teaching at a little English language school. The way the atmosphere builds during the week; we saw it in Seville as well as Osuna. And as for the hoods ... you're right about the Klu Klux Klan .. slightly alarming, to say the least! Greg

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

I wouldn't call this a senryu, it's quite clearly a haiku.

I would reduce the amount of capital letters, and consider reducing the amount of adjectives and adverbs e.g.


paper-wrapped chips,
I sit on a beacon bench
while the sun sets

I love paper-wrapped chips, it's so evocative, good subject choice! ;-)

Alan

==========================
Tips about writing a Haiku
==========================

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. 'Cool' is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com

.

Comment is about (blog)

Hi Andy, thanks for your comment on 'In fidelity.' I posted a comment of my own below the poem. It is a cultural poem.
x

Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)

Original item by Andy N

Hi Isobel,
thanks for your comment on In fidelity.
I added a comment of my own below the poem if you're interested to have a gander. :-)
xx

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

Hi Kathryn,

You were quite right to try something away from the "perceived" form of haiku (see below on tips).

Haiku don't tend to have titles, or even head notes, and punctuation is kept to a minimum.

Hope you write some more! ;-)

Alan


Tips about writing a Haiku

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Alan's Events Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com

.

Comment is about Waiting. (blog)

Tips about writing a Haiku

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN
1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or
season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day
e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's
your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's
also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South
Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city
farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com

Comment is about voicemail and limes (blog)

Original item by Alan Summers

Tips about writing a Haiku

It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.

If you do write them that way always make sure your writing is natural.

Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)

Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter which order.

Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.

cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud

Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999

'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.

Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.

allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books

Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007


So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.

Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.

I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.

a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly

Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997


'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.

Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.

Good luck!

Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html

Comment is about 2nd Day (blog)

Original item by Steven Kenny

Hi Andy, thanks very much for reading and commenting on my poem,glad you liked it.
x

Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)

Original item by Andy N

Liked this a lot, Rachel. "a scrape, a scuff of ill planned heel on rock" and "But for the ticking of a pipit" two of several good lines. Why an obscenity of frogspawn?If I were to be critical, I'd say the punctuation and line breaks are a bit erratic. Lovely poem, nonetheless.

Comment is about Up The Tops (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

Hi Greg As ever thanks for the comments. I'm a lapsed Catholic myself and I think YouTube is about as close to the 'afterlife' we're ever likely to get! It is pretty amazing and if I wasn't always so busy I'm sure I could spend hours on it. I've wanted to do one on the Wolf Man for ages, but it only recently came together. I also quite fancy doing one on Muddy Waters and another on John Lee Hooker - a kind of holy trinity of the Chicago Blues. At the moment, though, I don't really have any angles to proceed on.

Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)

Original item by Greg Freeman

some good lines in this, steven..my favourite in this is the first line of the 1st stanza and the 3rd stanza..

Comment is about Cracks (blog)

Original item by Steven Kenny

good stuff, rachel. really enjoyed this... nicely judged

Comment is about Up The Tops (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

bet this took you a bit to write... it is one of those pieces where the slightness displays the hint that this was much harder work than people may originally think. first rate,m8

Comment is about Go Hug Grandad (blog)

Original item by Simon Rennie

Morning Greg, Oh I dunno about the past/present thing so much. I think yours are more immediate possibly because you have the knack of making them seem current, I'm sure yours (like mine) are from tales you heard throughout your life, mine possibly carry the second hand feeling more than yours. In any case I think the fact that yours seem less removed from the present make them more vivid and effective.
Cool coincidence though isn't it that we are both writing a similar theme, feels like we are fellow travellers if you'll allow a tired cliche!Lol.(I'm a tired cliche-er)
I have also fallen foul of the old plastic bird trick, in our case a 3x life size plastic kingfisher on the canal towpath, I hadn't seen one before (though it did look a bit too big) and me and my youngest son did a ridiculous SAS type stalk so it didn't fly off in alarm.
x

Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)

Original item by Greg Freeman

I've never been to Paris (any offers?) but this is a lovely poem. The hands tied gently line got me too. beautiful. I love that it is snatches of memories it's sort of diffuse and intense at the same time, just like memories are.
x

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Morning Dave, thanks for the comment on th'poem. yep, we are very lucky, not many hen harriers around anywhere these days but they nest around Bowland...I can't (without binoculars) be 100% sure it was a hen harrier but it looked very much like one.
x

Comment is about Dave Bradley (poet profile)

Original item by Dave Bradley

Yes Francine - all we need is a baguette with bit of cheese and we could be there - soaking up the atmosphere in Ann's fusty room...

Chris - you are making me wish I could just up sticks and go there for a week-end. Poetry on the Seine - with enough of us out there it could divine! Somebody organise it - I've had enough of the Douglas.

Comment is about le weekend (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Thank you for the offer of a fight with your brother. Thats sounds grand to me.I had not had a few the other night, I just talk shit most the time and am always ready to give you a dead arm chris. It makes me uncomfortable when everybody is nice to each other all the time which is why I am usually found starting arguements.If we can just fight instead that'd be great...black eye next time chris?

Comment is about Beautiful Minds (blog)

Original item by Isobel

Intriguing. I thought she was going to get hit by lightning at the end

Comment is about for all the men I love (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Cheers Dave-ohh! John Lee Hooker was the Man round the Manchester clubs-in the thar days-What a scene to have had the very good fortune of being in! fab gear Man! get my mojo out in a bit-sniff sniff! Stef.

Comment is about David Cooke (poet profile)

Original item by David Cooke

Can but agree with the others. Terrific. A hen harrier - lucky you.

Comment is about Up The Tops (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

It is isn't it. I love mine too.

Comment is about Mmmmmm (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Cate is spot on in saying that the tight style and repetition reflects the drudgery of poverty. The style is as restricted as the lifestyle. Excellent poem Cynthia - we all need reminding regularly what is out there.

Comment is about Poverty Is (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas