The Annual Talent Show (Down At The Feathers)

 

It was heaving that night in the Feathers

The landlord had played his old trick

He’d a ton of pork scratchings, that’d gone out-of-date

So needed to shift ‘em….. and quick

 

So he called it his annual talent show

Punters travelled from miles around

And he sold off his scratchings at threepence a bag

Or all you can eat for a pound

 

His ploy had worked out a trick

The club was packed to the rafters

If you think that last year’s contest was daft

Then this year’s one, was much dafter

 

There was Big Bouncy Brenda, the Buxom Balloon-dancer

Whose act was both sleazy and crude

And Dangerous Herbert, the one-legged arse-kicker

Who hopped through the crowd, in the nude

 

Mystic Malcolm was now the Clairvoyant Extraordinaire

(He was a ventriloquism act last year)

He spoke to the spirits, and their voices came through

Even though he was drinking a beer  

 

Maurine Stoat did her act with ping-pong balls

Which she fired at the crowd with a cheer

And everyone laughed… except for Old Raz

When one ricocheted right in his beer

 

The judges had done all their judging

And the winner was Maurine Stoat

But they couldn’t decide how to give her the prize

So it went to a people’s vote

 

As the judges deliberated, Fred Floppit came in

With Bullfrog Floppit, his brother

So the landlord set forty pints up on the bar

And they necked them all, one after t’other

 

Well the judges had not seen nowt like it

They just couldn’t believe their eyes

And without a moment’s hesitation

They gave Fred and Bullfrog first prize