This must be a nightmare
But I’m not asleep
All kinds of feelings
Are starting to creep
But as the demons
Torment my soul
The devil he laughs
The werewolves they howl
I’m running, I’m hiding
Deep down into the woods
In the shadows they lurk
My heart pumping blood
Sweating and gasping
I’m struggling to breathe
Head all in a panic
I don't want to believe
Scratching and scrapping
Dee...

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It’s a never-ending circus
Always running through my brain
Where the ringmaster he takes control
He’s driving me insane
The spectators seem to stare at me
They're waiting for the show
But the act they see is all a front
Inside they’ll never know
The cheering and the laughter
As I climb against the wall
The higher I get the best it gets
Up here I forget it all

Coz I'm walking a t...

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On a cliff edge, arms open wide
Free fall to hell with just one more stride
Close my eyes, feel the wind blow
Which way will it take me
I don’t know
Fates out of my hands
I won’t decide
I’ve lost control, I’ve lost my pride
I’ve lost my voice
I’m scared to speak
I’m tired and fragile
I feel too weak
Just when I think I can learn to adapt
My feelings sink straight back into a relapse
...

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Standing in the rain
Watch as it falls
Fresh on your skin
Standing in the rain
Take a deep breath
Feel peace within
The feelings fresh
The feelings free
In that one moment
Where you want to be
There is no blame
All calm remains
When standing in the rain

Standing in the rain
Watching the world
Just pass you by
Standing in the rain
It wets your face
Hides tears you cry
You want ...

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Leave a light on for me
I will return
I don’t know when
I’m yet to learn
The past is less frightening
I’m not as weak
The futures bright
At night I can sleep
Acceptance is key, I'm moving on
With each waking morning
Another fears gone
My head’s growing stronger
I’m ready to fight
I’m normal, accept me
Nothings wrong, all is right
At times I sit silent
With so much to think
Trying ...

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Trying to talk
But he’s not there
A vacant face
A lifeless stare
A hopeless call
A desperate plea
To find the man
He used to be
To walk the line
To make him laugh
To guide him down
This weary path
To find his strength
To find his way
Believe his words
And have his say
When times are hard
And life is tough
To grab a hand
Is just enough
To pull him out
When in too deep
To reass...

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Feelings silenced
No words to say
No explanations
Have come my way
Inside I’m broken
Feel I can't be fixed
Confused emotions
And thoughts are mixed
I feel dishonest
But I know the truth
I do not show it
Where is the proof
The sound of silence
Is echoing
Inside a menace
Resurfacing
I hate these demons
Please go away
Give me a chance
To have my say
Do not control me
You do not o...

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Dear Dad I miss you
I wish you were here
Someone to talk to
To ease my fears
You made life look easy
But now I know
Insides a struggle
Outside a show
I wish I had a moment
To show you who I am
I wish that you could see me
Now as a grown-up man
Just to know that you’d accept me
When life’s not gone to plan
To have you walk beside me
And show the world I can......

But I wonder........

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Are you looking at me?
Tell me what do you see
I don't give a shhh
Cuz I’m just being me
You may choose to tease
Or just choose to leave
Well that’s up to you
Cuz I’m not here to please
 

L.G.B.T
Nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with me
L.G.B.T
People only see what they want to see
L.G.B.T
We deserve to be who we want to be
L.G.B.T
Let your inner demons set you free​

Th...

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Caged like a bird
Longing to be free
Waiting to take flight
And be the better me
Time is on my side
Is there any need to rush
A world that’s torn apart
All thoughts have turned to mush
Just sitting on a perch
Watching others flying by
Trying to guess the questions
From people asking why
I feel my wings are broken
But they’re strengthening each day
With every thought that’s challenged
...

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From the deck of cards
Life’s dealt me a hand
How should I play
I don’t understand
On the outside a King
But on the inside a Queen
The king I have shown
But the queen’s not been seen
Is there a trick up the sleeve
A professional hack
Do I bluff my way through
Because I don't know Jack
Are my aces high
When I’m feeling low
Do the Jokers laugh
As my anxieties grow
I play each card
S...

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Why me
What did you see
What made me so special
Why did you choose me
I felt unattractive
Was always alone
Avoided most places
And just stayed at home
I was fighting confusion
I thought I was gay
I just couldn’t except
That God made me this way
Why me
What made me stand out
Just an overweight slob
With a mind full of doubt
Always kept a low key
In the shadows I’d hide
So how did ...

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Looking back through time
Does history repeat itself
Does the mind play silly games
Denies you of any help
When you’re standing at a crossroads
And you have many ways to go
Do you follow the signs for society
Or do you create a brand new show
Do you fit a readymade template
Or make a new blueprint
Do you follow formed instructions
Or create a future glimpse
A glimpse so future generati...

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I saw this guy
He caught my eye
The things that I could do
His stubble chin
So masculine
A perky bum too
A cheeky smile
That lasts a while
The dimples in his cheeks
I feel a flush
A sudden rush
My heart just skipped a beat
He's tall and dark
He dresses smart
Tattoos on both his arms
His jeans are tight
Oh what a sight
He flatters with his charm
But he's in my head
Not in my bed
...

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If I speak the truth
Is it proof?
If I live a lie
Do I deny?
If I cope
Is there hope?
If I shout 
Am I out?
If I hide
If I decide
If I admit
That I have cried
If I, 
If I,
If I.

© curiousdud3 08/2020

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Thunderstorms
Running through my head
Rumbles getting louder
Scared things might be said
Hide away in a closet
Because the sound is so loud
Hide from the truth
Because the truths not allowed
Thunderbolts they are striking
Flashbacks of a lad
A childhood in silence
Adolescence was sad
But storms they get stronger
They gain strength with time
The rain is now pouring
I’ve a hurricane m...

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Red eyes, sore eyes
The pain upon your face
Tired eyes, weary eyes
How much more can you take
Heartache, heartbreak
It’s not what your looking for
Love tried, hands tied
Will you walk out of the door
This is me, the man you see
Different to the one you wed
Coming out, out is out
It’s not all in my head
Leave me, support me
I really hope you choose
Stay with me, for eternity
Or am I ...

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I planted some seeds
I watched them grow
They got stronger each day
They are flowers now
The petals are vibrant
They’ve come to life
They blow in the breeze
They reach up to the light
Independent and free
They stand so tall
Bask in the sun
From the early morn
As the night time comes
They go to sleep
Until the next new dawn
And the little birds tweet
Then they rise again
Looking pr...

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I don't want to hurt no more
I don’t want to cry
Don’t want to curse no more
Don't want to live this lie
Inside I feel I’m dying
The pain it hurts so bad
I feel I’m losing control
Every day I feel so sad
I’ve felt this way for a lifetime
Thought I’d mastered how to cope
But the pressures getting heavy
Feel I’m living with false hope
Thought talking would help to free me
But I feel I’v...

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Lost boy, find your way home
Reach out your arms
You’re no longer alone
Lost boy, please don’t be scared
There’s a safe place waiting 
You just need to get there

People may judge you
And that is OK
If they have a problem
We can keep them at bay
Thoughts and feelings are normal
Its everyday life
The future is yours
So keep that in sight

Lost boy, why are you afraid
It’s not your ...

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Life’s a game of Hide and Seek
My hiding's strong
My seek is weak
Hiding mastered over time
Seeking’s new, I’m trying to find
Where is the best place we can hide?
The best place is deep within your own mind
It’s harder then to delve within
Hard to find almost anything
A good seeker will sniff you out
Feels your breath, senses your doubt
But mark my words
As soon as found
The hider wil...

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If I could turn back the clock
To my childhood days
I’d live my life free 
With different memories made
I would not be in fear
I’d be honest and free
I would grow up with confidence
And be the real me

Through childhood my comfort
I found it in food
I just kept on eating
My weight it did balloon
I could control situations
In coping this way
Avoid situations 
That might give me...

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As a child
Friends knocked the door
Eagerly excited
You were waiting for
To hear the question 
As it left their mouth
Asking your parents 
If you were coming out

As a child 
We’d run around
No care in the world
And acting the clown
Getting dirty
And playing in mud
Making as many adventures
As we possibly could

As a child
I was building a wall
To keep me safe
And ca...

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Here I stand, a broken man
Trying to cope the best I can
Guys are not supposed to cry
We’re macho with our heads held high
But alone I feel a shivering wreck
With mixed up thoughts and mass regrets
Regrets that I just can’t be me
Regrets of the false man you see
Each tiny thought I try to dissect
But each tiny thought then becomes a threat
A threat that I might be exposed
Exposed to tho...

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You think that your losing me
But I’m losing part of you
You think that your hurting me
But it’s me who’s hurting you
You think you can save me
But it’s hard for you to do
Because I cause so much agony
And it’s me doing that to you

I fear for the future
I fear that you will leave
It feels you’ve lost the sparkle
And no longer believe
I know you reassure me
And there’s things you n...

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I gave you my life
You gave it back
But you live your life
Behind a mask
Hiding a secret
It’s yours to tell
But you should have told me
Before I fell
You are to blame
You caused me pain
Why can't you love me the same

Building years of friendship
Building years of love
Growing strong together
Embracing all we’ve got
But this charade
Is what you made
I see the truth
As it slowly ...

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They say that the camera never lies
But it does when you hide behind a smile
It cannot see inside your mind
The anguish that you quietly hide
The photograph that's on the shelf
Does not reveal your mental health
The torment that you always feel
The feelings that just makes it real
If you zoom into those eyes
Take a look and see what’s deep inside
Imagine what's behind that face
In place...

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At school as a teen

I was sitting in class

With all my friends

When the teacher asked

I’ve a question for you all

In this form group today

What would you do

If a friend told you they were gay

“I’d beat them and punch them”

The one friend said

“I’d kick them, and hurt them until they were dead”

The whole class cheered and seemed to agree

And that was the start of...

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Like a scared child in the shadows
Lurking to find what’s right
Strange feelings overtake me
And my chest is feeling tight
Why does it feel abnormal
Why does it seem so strange
I don't have one attraction
I have multiple in my range
Why does it sound so dirty
In an homophobic head
Why do I feel so troubled
By what others might have said
Is it them who have the problem
Or am I running ...

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Trying hard to save me
Fighting hard to stay
Sorting through the feelings
That never go away
I may look harder from the outside
But no-one sees the me within
Cuz if they saw for just one moment
They would see I’m crumbling
 

I need help to get me through
Another day of feeling blue
Of feeling weak, I’m not that strong
Of feeling who I am is wrong
But I’ll get through
I know it’s tr...

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If you and me
Are meant to be
We’ll make it to the top
Cuz way up there
In clearer air
We can reflect on what we’ve got
But the path we climb ain’t easy
There are things that stand in our way
Believe in what we’re achieving
And we’ll reach the top someday
We’re on our way
 

This is our mountain, this our journey
No-one knows the end
Reach for the summit, on the horizon
When life s...

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As I hold my head in shame
I caused the doubt
I am to blame
If I promise not to cry
Will we get by
I always try
But feelings don't come easy
When I've kept them all inside
From the moment we start talking
When I’ve got nowhere to hide
Will we survive
 

We are stronger when we’re together
Weaker when we’re apart
I promise to be faithful
I’ll give you all my heart
With you I thrive
...

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Crumbling all around you
Your world falling apart
Life seems to be dealing cruel blows
And your wondering where to start
From the moment you start hiding
Things go from bad to worse
The damage is occurring
And your causing yourself hurt
On the outside you are smiling
But on the inside there is pain
To the world your seeing sunshine
But all you see is rain
Behind the dark clouds lurks y...

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Demons are coming
Engrossed with my brain
Their taking control
Am I going insane
They try to take over
The thoughts in my head
But I won’t let them get me
I’ll get them instead

Fighting with demons
Keep those demon’s at bay
Caged in a corner
Keep those demons away

When panic takes over
Those demons are close
They’re reaching and beating
They fill me with doubt
But stood in the ...

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Inside I’m breaking, I’m aching, in falling apart
The mess in my head is a real work of art
I’d unravel this mess but where would I start
Picked away at the seams bit by bit, part by part

The confusions, delusions
I just think what I have
But then thinking and sinking
I start to feel sad
Then with sadness there’s madness
And then I feel bad
These confusions, delusions are driving me ma...

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Do they really need to know
Does it matter, does it show
Does it make them like me less
Can they see inside my head
Do they really need to know

Do they really need to know
Put on a front and fake a smile
Things seem ok for a while
Until the shadows creep back in
And the demons start to win
Do they really need to know

Do they really need to know
Everything looks fine outside
But I’...

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Rescue ‘forever’
The fight of my life
Saving a marriage
But hurting a wife
Twisted confessions
It feels like a dream
Entering territory
I should never have been
Keeping a secret
Locked up deep inside
Now nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
I should of kept quite, not swallowed my pride
But how could I live
With the secrets and lies
Emotionally scared
A heart that is bruised
Feelings...

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When nothing you do is right
And everything you say is wrong
Life seems to be getting tough
And you just don't get along
When you argue almost every night
And you feel that you’re already hung
The edges seem too rough
Because love is not enough

A smile starts a false hope day
For a while everything’s okay
But it only lasts for a while
Because the cracks break through that smile
You h...

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My mind is my castle
My feelings locked in
I go in to battle
Those demons won’t win
I build my defences
You won't break down these walls
I hide my emotions
My defences won’t fall
My fortress around me
My moat it is full
If you try to get close
Then the drawbridge I pull
My silence is my soldiers
When I feel under attack
The quiet and the coldness
Keeps those demons held back
M...

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