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30,000 Times

Thirty thousand times around the world
I'll go thirty thousand times around the world,
Give or take a few, 
But what will I do, 
While I go thirty thousand times around the world?

I've gone around the world before,
At least ten thousand times or more,
All because the Earth is in a spin.
But between me and you, what will I do,
While I go thirty thousand times around the world?

Oh!... ...

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humourorbitpath of lifeperspective

Secretly Wanted

Just think of how the advert might have gone
Retired but not yet tired?
Got a few evenings spare?
Must enjoy outdoor activities
Uniform supplied.

Conscientious sleigh driver not afraid of heights
Must be kind to children
Good with animals,
Sense of humour required.

Perks of Job: Secluded accomodation,
World wide travel at the drop of a hat,
Guaranteed to keep you young at heart

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Add to cart

I stepped outside and the sound of my feet made me nervous as I slowly walked along a neverending thick white floor.

The snow clung to my boots as if to find some warmth or maybe a hug.

Within minutes my hands were stiffened by the icy air that felt strong enough to slice through my stone cold fingers.

I should have wore gloves, I said to myself as I made 2 fists and buried them deep insi...

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My Other Poem Is Better Than This One

I have another poem
which is better than this one.
It is shiny and goes much faster
It sounds better and means more.
My other poem is kept for special occasions
and protected 

This poem is my run-around poem
Don't judge me on it.

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humourpoems about poetryshort poem

Gigging with Hovis Presley. and The Ballad of Bloody Nora

Hi all,

I thought I'd add a quick note, with this being my first blog entry.

I specalise in poems of extreme gormlessness, and wrote my first one after getting into John Cooper Clarke back in 1991. A few years later, in 1993, I saw JCC live in my hometown of exotic Bolton, supported by the legendary Hovis Presley. I enjoyed his set as much as JCC's, and bought a copy of his book, Poetic Off-...

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BoltonComedy Poetryhorrorhumournonsense verseserial killers

Jungle Breath

Jungle Breath



she just woke up with jungle breath

lianas swaying left and right

screeching yellow monkeys

had been swinging through her night


the tigers eye and serpents glare

snuck past teeth and tongue

leaving there a fragrance

that quite resembled dung


crocs lay in waiting

in lakes of rippled spittle

and down along the waterfall

the lips d...

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Tommy Licester went to Bicester
To see Sally, his little sicester
But on her door was a note
That Sally had wrote-
It seemed that Tommy had just micester

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doggerelhumourword play


Hey, let me stop a cyclone!
It may knock down my kingdom
made of my own 
and most importantly, 
my dear ego, 
everything of my own, 
my life, 
my rules. 

Please help me stop it,
lest it shouldn't pave the way
for a new creation 
where, I'm afraid, 
what if I couldn't be a centre? 




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conservative approachhumoursatire

The Laughing Parrott

A laughing Parrott ate a carrot as
an Elephant climbed up a tree,
he was chased by a Mouse who wore a Pink blouse and liked to swim in the Sea,
A Lion passed by who flew his kite in the sky while singing to two dancing Llamas, 
and a juggling Giraffe was taking a bath while wearing his woolly Pyjamas! 

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childrenfunny poemhumournonsense

Door bell

Who is there
ringing my door bell
since half an hour?

I don't have time
to attend you 
and your ballad. 

Rather, I don't like
to pay attention 
to something smarter. 

Oh, I may like you
if you'll chat with me 
on groceries and vegetables, 

but I can't spare 
my precious time 
upon intellectual matters! 

Please, don't judge me
for my knowledge 
beyond ignorance. 

If yo...

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Human weaknesseshumoursatire

A Pig Went Quack

A pig went quack with a Monkey on his back while watching an Elephant juggle,
a Tiger passing by in his plane was flying high and a laughing Rhino started blowing bubbles,
a Gorilla started baking the pie that he'd been making as a Billy Goat was brushing his hair,
and a Crocodile was painting a Zebra who was skating while eating a big ripe juicy pear!

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children's poetryhumourpoems for kids

A Monkey Wore Pink Lipstick

A Monkey wore pink lipstick
as he laughed and baked a cake
and was followed round the kitchen by a disco dancing snake, 
they were joined by a Rhino who was wearing underpants, shuffling his bum and joining in the dance,
then there came a Chicken who was roaring like a bear as and a skateboarding Elephant with long curly hair. 

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Humourkidsnonsensesilly poem

Size Matters!

Size Matters!


Jack and Jill were getting wed.

(Jack’s dad thought, Jill was nice).

“But, let me give you, Son,” he said

“some fatherly advice.


On the day, I wed yer mam

I nipped ‘er straight indoors.

And, being ‘t sort of bloke I am

I soon laid down the laws.


I boldly took mi trousers off

and told ‘er, ‘put ‘em on.’

She drowned within a sea of cloth


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funny poemsfunny versehumorous poetryhumorous versehumour

A 'Valued' Friend!

A 'Valued' Friend!


Frank, tonight, is working late.

The doorbell rings; it’s Frankie’s mate.

“Liz, you need to know”, smiles Ken.

“Frank won’t be home ‘til half-past ten.


I said, I’d drop in, as I pass,

to tell you of his news, alas.”

“It’s nice of you to think of me.”

Beams Lizzy, “Would you like some tea?”


And so they share a brew and chat;

some thoug...

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funny poemsfunny versehumorous poemsHumorous versehumour

The Trouble With Nuts!

The Trouble With Nuts!


The trouble with nuts is, they’re very elusive.

But, don’t take my word as completely conclusive.

It’s just that, it seems, though, whenever they're freed

they scatter and hide - which is not what you need!


Consider the case of a doctor, I knew.

Took his car for a spin ( and to ‘pose’ in it, too).

A well-mannered man - but you wouldn’t think th...

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funny poemsfunny versehumorous poetryhumorous versehumour

She's Snow White

Not So White 

Little Snow White's daddy died 
Pretty girl cried and cried
Wicked Queen an ugly old tart 
Sent huntsman to take her heart

Huntsman took Snow for a ride 
But felt ever so guilty inside
Snow looked up and made her plea Huntsman said, ‘Go now! Be free’

He took his knife; he lit a cig 
Then cut heart out of a pig
Snow White ran he felt good 
She tripped over piece of wo...

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