Poetry Blogs (2010, humour)
One evening in the gloaming with the hour approaching late
I heard a sound, just ask my cat, he may corroborate.
I quickly went alfresco, thought I'd better take a look
A crowd of farmers gathered round to watch a donnybrook.
One farmer in pyjamas with a rubicund complexion,
Officious and unlaundered too, I thought, on close inspection,
Screamed words so execrable ...
Monday 20th December 2010 8:38 am
Mirror is the means of communication
and good relations
with the one you love.
Better to be smart and sometimes dull
than dull but sometimes smart.
If she says ‘no’
it means she wants just to talk.
If she says ‘yes’
it means she wants a long walk,
without any talk
But….. with a good f…
Wednesday 17th November 2010 4:56 pm
I've been asked, by people following my blog, to include the poems I read on my recent poetry tour, so I'm putting them on here, then will be providing links back here from the blog. Hence...
A Short Course in Suicide Writing
that short, punchy phrases are best.
Say 'I can't take it. I will kill myself.'
Do not say: 'I cannot take the endless pain,
Friday 8th October 2010 10:43 pm
I buy sparkly jackets to substantiate
The fact I may be interesting to talk to
‘Cause glitter makes for fancy mates
And opportunities to gawk through
I wear leather pants for reasons
Unknown to me, unknown to
Legions of Grease Fan’s nether regions
Yet Newton John pulls through.
I pledge in allegiance to large hats
That I purchase whilst very mashed
From inauspicious looking...
Monday 13th September 2010 4:11 pm
It’s Monday morning, she’s got up.
When I asked her for breakfast
she told me to shut up.
When I asked her for my porridge
or at least for an orange
she told me to keep quiet
as from today she was on diet.
She has noticed cellulite
and decided to get rid of it.
In the day time it was a real crime,
she didn’t put anything inside me,
Sunday 5th September 2010 6:10 pm
- Let’s start from the very beginning!
- Ok, I know, it’s a very good place to start.
- If you want to know how to read
you have to learn the alphabet.
As far as we are not in a race
you can face 26 letters in one phrase.
“The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog”.
Now we’ll have some dialogue.
You’ll see how new words appear,
I hope everything will...
Saturday 21st August 2010 8:16 am
my little world,
my deep insides,
he likes what he finds,
thinks, mm, interesting,
I could lodge
here for a while,
let my fun begin,
the eyes have it
let's start with them.
Eyes, eyes staring
on the look out
for my demise,
Wednesday 14th July 2010 10:48 am
My top came off my head today
and when I spied
in the hallway mirror,
blood had dripped down
settling in the furrows,
of my spoilt, angry frown,
I looked so different
with a splash of colour,
it made me look quite beautiful.
My mouth was twisted,
tired of spouting
lots of angry words,
the corners nearly
touched my chin,
Tuesday 13th July 2010 2:05 pm
Inugo up and down
round in circles
Inugo this way
assisting (if necessary)
stained arse smiling
room is spinning
Inugo, oh no,
Sunday 11th July 2010 1:30 pm
By the shores of Lake Lambrini,
Near the foothills of Panini,
And the plains of Fegatini,
Through the valleys in betweeni,
Where the flowing Canneloni,
Meets the wandering Marscapone.
In amongst the Machiato,
Near the fading Tinto Rosso,
‘Neath the shading of Lambrusco,
South of Castle Osso Buccho.
Here a local pasta maker,
Bought out by a...
Saturday 10th July 2010 12:56 am
A sensitive fellow from Bicester
Told his ex girlfriend how much he'd missed her
Her laughter, her friends,
The romantic weekends;
But mostly the nude games of Twister
Friday 9th July 2010 7:17 pm
Some men are so energetic,
Earn money working hard.
Their words are so poetic,
That’s what you regard.
But...after drinking alcohol
They become worse a bull,
They behave like a monkey,
They spend money like a donkey.
A woman who drives a car at night
Can shine as the moonlight.
You will notice her by all means.
Saturday 5th June 2010 1:50 pm
This is for Dave Carr (and others),
In Genesis, at Chapter 2, we see God sitting there
Admiring all his handiwork, the earth the sea the air,
and thinking: "I could share all this with some Thing I could make"
And looking in His cook'ry books to see what He could bake.
Ingredients were right to hand - He took soil from the ground
And put it in the multimix and w...
Thursday 3rd June 2010 6:23 am
I'll tell of a greek tragic heroine;
She was known as Pandora by name;
A quiet lass who didn't go out much,
A bit like the Oh lympic flame.
Zeus had commissioned Pandora,
The first lady made from the earth.
He was really quite pleased with the outcome;
Far less messy, he thought, than a birth.
Some say that Zeus craved a companion;
Some say it was...
Thursday 27th May 2010 5:03 pm
I keep my notebook open all the time
I keep my pencil lead sharp and very fine
One night I sat and stared from six till nine
In all that time, I wrote a line
This bloody writing takes up all my time
The words go spinning round inside my mind
My brain is always searching for a rhyme
Because one time, I wrote a line.
I've got a real bad case of writer's...
Tuesday 18th May 2010 4:56 pm
My doctor has a cash-cow - he sees her every week
The needle pricks her finger - she gives a little squeak
He sets her medication and asks her to return
Next week so that her visit will him more income earn.
It's not her milk he's after, no - blood, to test. You see
His cash-cow's not a Jersey, his cash-cow's Little Me.
Tuesday 18th May 2010 6:20 am
I’ll put on diet my fattish ass
So that the doorway I could pass.
I’ll do some exercises to lose weight
As fat asses I just hate.
I would like to look a model of super class
Or may be like a slander lass.
I know it’s too bad to amass fat,
But…while rhyming this couplet
I am looking at an apple pie
And a big saliva appears in my eye.
Friday 14th May 2010 2:27 pm
Thursday 13th May 2010 6:39 am
I had a stiff neck so I thought what the heck,
I suppose I should visit the quack.
And you know, since that day, I can quite safely say,
It’s uncanny – I’ve never looked back.
Saturday 17th April 2010 12:56 am
Tuesday night at the G & D,
Quiz and supper for 50p,
Will we win? We’ll have to see
When the marking’s done.
The team’s the same usually,
Comprised of friends and family -
All G & D devotees;
We don’t half have some fun.
Besides myself there’s Phil and Glen
(We knock on questions 1 to 10)
Glen knows them all though later when
He has us all in s...
Tuesday 23rd March 2010 7:43 pm
For 5 long years I’ve lived beside
These other senile twits,
In this home for retirees,
Biddies and Old Gits.
To offer some excitement
I read my poems out loud
And started to attract
An appreciative crowd.
40 perhaps or 50
Attentively sat round,
Hanging on my every word
Like I was Ezra Pound.
I read to them my comic verse
Friday 19th March 2010 11:08 pm
Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight,
Pale flesh that shouldn’t see the light of day;
Lace, lace against your skin so soft and white.
Those shapely, rounded, squatting hips invite
My roving eye, lured in and led astray;
Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight.
Stretched denim curving, arcing out of sight,
With squeaking stitches pulled in every way,
Lace, lace aga...
Saturday 13th March 2010 12:38 am
I still gets excited by snow
(Immature for a pirate, I know)
When I climbs out on deck
There's snow up to me neck
As me shipmates all cower below.
I cannot conceal me delight
When I wakes to a flurry of white
So piratin's banned
Let's get them cannons manned
And have the world's best snowball fight.
Lesser pirates do not think this way
When I scream "Let's go out and play!"
Wednesday 6th January 2010 9:13 pm