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Just a Synechdoche

One evening in the gloaming with the hour approaching late

I heard a sound, just ask my cat, he may corroborate.

I quickly went alfresco, thought I'd better take a look

A crowd of farmers gathered round to watch a donnybrook.


One farmer in pyjamas with a rubicund complexion,

Officious and unlaundered too, I thought, on close inspection,

Screamed words so execrable ...

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Mirror is the means of communication

and good relations

with the one you love.


Better to be smart and sometimes dull

than dull but sometimes smart.


If she says ‘no’

it means she wants just to talk.

If she says ‘yes’

it means she wants a long walk,

without any talk

But….. with  a good f…



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A Short Course in Suicide Writing

I've been asked, by people following my blog, to include the poems I read on my recent poetry tour, so I'm putting them on here, then will be providing links back here from the blog. Hence...


A Short Course in Suicide Writing



that short, punchy phrases are best.

Say 'I can't take it. I will kill myself.'

Do not say: 'I cannot take the endless pain,


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 I buy sparkly jackets to substantiate

The fact I may be interesting to talk to
‘Cause glitter makes for fancy mates
And opportunities to gawk through

I wear leather pants for reasons
Unknown to me, unknown to
Legions of Grease Fan’s nether regions
Yet Newton John pulls through.

I pledge in allegiance to large hats
That I purchase whilst very mashed
From inauspicious looking...

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I Am Laura's Stomach

entry picture



It’s Monday morning, she’s got up.

When I asked her for breakfast

she told me to shut up.

When I asked her for my porridge

or at least for an orange

she told me to keep quiet

as from today she was on diet.

She has noticed cellulite

and decided to get rid of it.

In the day time it was a real crime,

she didn’t put anything inside me,


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I Learn And Study English

entry picture


- Let’s start from the very beginning!

- Ok, I know, it’s a very good place to start.

- If you want to know how to read

you have to learn the alphabet.

As far as we are not in a race

you can face 26 letters in one phrase.

“The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog”.

Now we’ll have some dialogue.

You’ll see how new words appear,

I hope everything will...

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Paranoia pulls

and stretches,

prises open

my little world,

peers, examines

my deep insides,

he likes what he finds,

thinks, mm, interesting,

I could lodge

here for a while,

let my fun begin,

the eyes have it

let's start with them.


The start..


Eyes, eyes staring


on the look out

for my demise,

two ...

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Funny reflection


My top came off my head today

and when I spied

in the hallway mirror,

blood had dripped down

settling in the furrows,

of my spoilt, angry frown,

I looked so different

with a splash of colour,

it made me look quite beautiful.


My mouth was twisted,

tired of spouting

lots of angry words,

the corners nearly

touched my chin,

it made...

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Inugo (Jollifant)

Inugo up and down

round in circles

twirling, grinding

pleasure stirring


Inugo this way

that way

imagination, crazy

wildly partaking

plastic paraphernalia

assisting (if necessary)


Inugo frantic

slowly, naturistic

grassy meadow

stained arse smiling


Inugo, fumbling

room is spinning

Inugo, oh no,

disaster looming


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By the shores of Lake Lambrini,

Near the foothills of Panini,

And the plains of Fegatini,

Through the valleys in betweeni,

Where the flowing Canneloni,

Meets the wandering Marscapone.


In amongst the Machiato,

Near the fading Tinto Rosso,

‘Neath the shading of Lambrusco,

South of Castle Osso Buccho.


Here a local pasta maker,

Bought out by a...

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A sensitive fellow from Bicester

Told his ex girlfriend how much he'd missed her

Her laughter, her friends,

The romantic weekends;

But mostly the nude games of Twister

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entry picture


Some men are so energetic,

Earn money working hard.

Their words are so poetic,

That’s what you regard.

But...after drinking alcohol

They become worse a bull,

They behave like a monkey,

They spend money like a donkey.





A woman who drives a car at night


Can shine as the moonlight.


You will notice her by all means.


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This is for Dave Carr (and others),

In Genesis, at Chapter 2, we see God sitting there

Admiring all his handiwork, the earth the sea the air,

and thinking: "I could share all this with some Thing I could make"

And looking in His cook'ry books to see what He could bake.


Ingredients were right to hand - He took soil from the ground

And put it in the multimix and w...

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Pandora's Box

I'll tell of a greek tragic heroine;

She was known as Pandora by name;

A quiet lass who didn't go out much,

A bit like the Oh lympic flame.


Zeus had commissioned Pandora,

The first lady made from the earth.

He was really quite pleased with the outcome;

Far less messy, he thought, than a birth.


Some say that Zeus craved a companion;

Some say it was...

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humourPandora's Box

I Wrote a Line (with apologies to Johnny Cash)

I keep my notebook open all the time

I keep my pencil lead sharp and very fine

One night I sat and stared from six till nine

In all that time, I wrote a line


This bloody writing takes up all my time

The words go spinning round inside my mind

My brain is always searching for a rhyme

Because one time, I wrote a line.


I've got a real bad case of writer's...

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Warfarin Woes

My doctor has a cash-cow - he sees her every week

The needle pricks her finger - she gives a little squeak


He sets her medication and asks her to return

Next week so that her visit will him more income earn.


It's not her milk he's after, no - blood, to test.   You see

His cash-cow's not a Jersey,  his cash-cow's Little Me.


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I am on diet

entry picture

I’ll put on diet my fattish ass

So that the doorway I could pass.

I’ll do some exercises to lose weight

As fat asses I just hate.

I would like to look a model of super class

Or may be like a slander lass.

I know it’s too bad to amass fat,

But…while rhyming this couplet

I am looking at an apple pie

And a big saliva appears in my eye.

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Revolutionary Recipe Books


The all new recipe books that I saw last week in town
are bound to prove quite popular and to gain some renown
for they have something new which I've never seen before,
you simply rip out a page, add water, heat & stir some more.
Soon you'll have an ideal meal just right for one, 
add another page or two if you also want a cake or bun 
or maybe you've a guest...

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I had a stiff neck so I thought what the heck,

I suppose I should visit the quack.

And you know, since that day, I can quite safely say,

It’s uncanny – I’ve never looked back.

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Coopey's Groupies

Tuesday night at the G & D,

Quiz and supper for 50p,

Will we win?  We’ll have to see

When the marking’s done.

The team’s the same usually,

Comprised of friends and family -

All G & D devotees;

We don’t half have some fun.


Besides myself there’s Phil and Glen

(We knock on questions 1 to 10)

Glen knows them all though later when

He has us all in s...

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20 Years from Now

For 5 long years I’ve lived beside

These other senile twits,

In this home for retirees,

Biddies and Old Gits.


To offer some excitement

I read my poems out loud

And started to attract

An appreciative crowd.


40 perhaps or 50

Attentively sat round,

Hanging on my every word

Like I was Ezra Pound.


I read to them my comic verse

(I ...

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Do Not Bend Forward...

Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight,
Pale flesh that shouldn’t see the light of day;
Lace, lace against your skin so soft and white.

Those shapely, rounded, squatting hips invite
My roving eye, lured in and led astray;
Do not bend forward in those jeans so tight.

Stretched denim curving, arcing out of sight,
With squeaking stitches pulled in every way,
Lace, lace aga...

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I Still Gets Excited By Snow

entry picture

I still gets excited by snow

(Immature for a pirate, I know)

When I climbs out on deck

There's snow up to me neck

As me shipmates all cower below.


I cannot conceal me delight

When I wakes to a flurry of white

So piratin's banned

Let's get them cannons manned

And have the world's best snowball fight.


Lesser pirates do not think this way

When I scream "Let's go out and play!"

They ...

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