On June 14, 2025, Donald Trump turns 79 and demands a military parade for himself—echoing authoritarian shows, not democratic traditions. This coincides with the U.S. Army’s 250th anniversary, overshadowed by his personal spectacle. The same day marks 40 years since the Schengen Agreement, Europe’s promise of free movement now challenged by rising border controls. Meanwhile, protests...

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“Some Assembly Required” is a satirical poem that peels back the layers of illusion in romantic relationships and beauty standards. With sharp irony and vivid imagery, it tries to explore the humorous yet sobering moment when surface perfection gives way to unexpected truth. A witty reflection on how we fall in love with appearances—and what remains when the mask comes off. I dreamed of ...

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(with acknowledgements to Cubby Broccoli)

We’ve a new allotment holder

Just retired from MI6

Wears a Beretta on his shoulder

Calls our lady members “chicks”

Drives a silver coloured DB5

He won’t get much in that

When he has to transport compost

From his Docklands penthouse flat

 

He takes his Martini shaken,

In his shed he keeps a score

Of days spent with psych...

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There was no bullying at my school, It was called dodgeball—oh, so cruel! We’d throw balls with great might, Hitting targets just right, And the game? Well, it was nobody's rule!

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Every post a sermon, every joke a trial. Laughter is a landmine now— step wrong and you're vile. Eyes scan feeds like scripture, policing tone and word, where irony gets cancelled before it can be heard. They brandish rules like weapons, etched in trending tags, turning nuance into weakness, and context into flags. The crowd won’t storm the palaces, real power lies ignored. T...

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In the grand tradition of poetic rivalries, two ancient Roman masters—Catullus (84 - 54 B.C.) and Martial (40 - 104 A.D.)—turn love, lust, and literary wit into a battle of birds. Catullus mourns the death of his beloved's passer (sparrow) in a tender yet teasingly erotic elegy, while Martial, never one to miss a joke, takes the metaphor and runs with it—boasting that his columba (dove) ...

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The Iglesia del final de los tiempos makes it possible: buy your way into heaven, cleanse your sins with cash, and bottle holiness for personal use. From virginity certificates to antifreeze-laced wine—pay up and be saved. Or scammed. For more bizarre offerings, check out their store at Iglesia del final de los tiempos.
 

Heaven’s cheap—just name your price, a plot of land for paradise. Fi...

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These two sharp and cheeky limericks poke fun at Trump’s famously long tie — and what it might be compensating for. They each want to wrap political satire and playful innuendo into five perfect lines.

Trump’s tie hangs down to his thigh, to distract from what’s small — wonder why? He shouts and he brags, but rumour still nags: It’s all just a well-tailored lie. And another:

Tru...

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Wee Willie’s agent made the call

Willie wasnae expecting it at all

As in his bed he idly lay

That fateful January day

“Get up Willie, Tam exclaimed

Get oot your bed and leave yer hame

Get on your kilt, your brogues, your hose

And grab your pipes and don your clothes

I’ve had a call from the SRU

The very man they need is you

This is no wind up, it’s the truth

They ...

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For the New Year I resolve -

Not to swim with Humpbacked whales
Or ride an alpaca on the Inca Trail
Or skipper a ship with three masts and ten sails
I’d rather be lashed with a cat of nine tails.

The Northern Lights shall remain darkness to me
There will be no Amazon trips to see all the trees
If you dropped me on Everest attached to skis
I’d say “no thanks”, not “yes please”.

You w...

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For the New Year I resolve -

Not to swim with Humpbacked whales
Or ride an alpaca on the Inca Trail
Or skipper a ship with three masts and ten sails
I’d rather be lashed with a cat of nine tails.

The Northern Lights shall remain darkness to me
There will be no Amazon trips to see all the trees
If you dropped me on Everest attached to skis
I’d say “no thanks”, not “yes please”.

You w...

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The tree is man-made, the gifts are fake,

The carols make my stomach ache.

I hate the crowds, the forced-up cheer,

The noise that fills this time of year.

 

The sales are loud, the hype is worse,

Everyone's lost in some gift-giving curse.

The cookies? -Too sweet! The songs? -A "bore"!

I’d rather be locked behind my door.

 

So skip the cheer, and ditch the mess,

I’d...

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That is no session for old men. The young

With lithe legs and arms stretch like sapling trees

We, flailing generation whose Latin songs

Fail inflamed and arthritic joints to ease

We began at eight, it’s now ten, how long

Before one amongst us succumbs, and dies?

Caught in that sensual music all wrecked

Monuments of years of bad neglect

 

 

An agèd man is but a tragic ...

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In a world where you can't escape judgment, this limerick tries to dive deep into the absurdity of trying to please everyone. Even if you perform the impossible—like walking on water—someone will still find fault, questioning your intelligence and abilities. With a touch of irony, this piece wants to highlight  the endless nature of criticism and the futility of seeking universal approval. It’s th...

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If you want to know what God thinks of gold,
Just look at the wealthy, the brazen, the bold.
For riches, you’ll find,
Go to quite the odd kind,
And that’s all you need to be told!

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Get yourself a lump of marble

Twenty feet by six by six

Borrow a set of chisels

Or buy them from Screwfix

 

Empty out your garage or outdoor store

Of furniture and kids’ bikes from ceiling to floor

Grab yourself a mallet

Michelangelo liked wood

And get stuck in whilst listening to Johnnie B Goode

 

With every blow you will release

The body shape within

From a...

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Just because you can play it doesn’t mean you should

I’m talking about After the Goldrush or Before the Flood

or anything by The Eagles, Paul Simon and Stormzy

Keep these artists separate from your ukulele

 

Just because you know the words don’t mean you can sing

Paul Rogers is Bad Company, leave Fields of Gold to Sting

Give Roy Orbison numbers a miss

Don’t kid yourself you...

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Puke Crawl

Work in a call centre all night long five nights a week

On shift number five told to go drinking with the bosses

Drink till drunk then drink till you puke this is an order

I did this twice with them when I worked in a small BPO

Twice was enough drink till I crawl had my fill no more

Takes the stress away but I’m not doing it again

I was too tired after shift asked t...

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Mr Fix It
The agent sneezed
Another f*cking head cold!
Which twat did he catch it off?
He'd give them their virus back 3x!
Make sure they suffer call it karma
Now he was taking calls in a mask
His voice was muffled and he was irate
Irate agent irate customers wanting help
With their Twinstar electric heaters
Tech support was such fun they said
The customers were American and lazy
Inste...

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19/31

Everybody knew what they both did

After the Xmas party a lot of rumpy pumpy!

The mid-size 31 year old female

And the 19 year old male getting it on

The lad has a galfriend and new baby

But still grinded the older chick

People told me of this and what joy!

They went to a hotel after the drinking

And screwed like rabbits oh illicit heaven!

It was a small Pattaya c...

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Times Over
The Fake God gloated and said
'Hey mate I win this round and for good'
He nodded and replied yes you win here
But not for good tho I'll accept the NTE
No disputes as numbers don't lie
Yes boss I know I failed in sales
Do what you will transfer or fire me
I'll transfer you to collections
Brian went on to say why did you
Follow me four times over Asia?
I worked in Bangkok and M...

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Lick Not Bite

Where is the sale?

Hiding in the sky

Quick reach up

Get the sale now!

Poor agents no sale

Time for a meeting

Then coaching session

And call monitoring

Are they following?

Teach them then

Spoon feed them

So they get more sales

Aren’t outlying agents

With 0 or just 1 sale

With 7 or 8 or more

Poor little reps

Always st...

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NTE Yourself! NTEs were given out each month To the reps with low or no sales In time there were no reps on the account The Fake God was left alone Just him and his support to call They each wanted two fifty k a month To do the work of ten reps It was physically impossible But they went for it and failed Would they give NTEs to themselves?

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Reduce It

Expand the size of it

What you ask?

The cash in your wallet

Your cock size

The engine in your car

Your ego size

The number of galfriends

Your apartment size

The type of motorcycles

Your lifetime

All this and more

You want extending

I’ll tell you this

We’ll do the opposite

Reduce it all!

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Hoop Jumping Writers
The writers have to jump thru hoops
Like trained pet dogs for a biscuit
The biscuit is a publishing deal
Or poem in print or online story
The publisher says jump
The writers ask how high?
Have you ever seen jumping writers?
The funniest sight you’ll see
All jumping together jump jump jump!
Jumping thru hoops to get in print
Doing anything for a deal
Some even leap ...

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Peak Ale

Rivers of beer flow down the mountainside

Like spring time rain fresh wet refreshing drowning

So lovely to sooth you no worries mountain beer

Very strong just what the doctor ordered

Drink your fill have enough to drown in

You will not feel death it’ll be like birth

New beginnings brought by peak beer

Brewed atop the summit by a Goddess

See people lined up to su...

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Keeps Loading

The system keeps freezing it makes you want to be elsewhere

Rather than stuck here in work using a tool that’s frozen

You’re not in the mood for made in Red China jokes

You want to be on top of the mountain free from all this

Oh what crap you must endure but you have your reasons

To do all this and in time you’ll be free of all this bullshit

So have patience and...

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When Lee Dixon opens his cliche cabinet,

We’re havin' it.

 

It was a game of two halves

The lad’s put in a shift

You couldn’t write this script, that’s a gift

Get in there my son, go on my boy

The phrases flow, sucked of joy

 

He pulls rabbits from hats

With consummate ease

He’s a mangled mouthed magician

Can’t you see?

 

His left foot’s just for standing ...

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I lost my girl to a barista
He’s taken all I’d got
Wrote her name on her cup, then he kissed her
While she necked an espresso shot

I thought that I could trust her
But this is no minor affliction
Her love for the bean’s robusta
It’s a terminal addiction

I’m a has bean on the cafe scene
You could say at this juncture
Since I lost my Costa Coffee Queen
My Nespresso capsule’s punctured

...

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I love my perfect life
With my perfect kids and my perfect wife
And all those perfect times we’ve had
Being the perfect mum and perfect dad

And our perfect home where perfect friends
Adapt perfectly to every trend
Or those perfect days spent at the beach
Who says perfection’s out of reach?

We have perfect times when we go out
With perfect people round about
As our perfect laughter fi...

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I’ll take my chances by the crater’s edge

And hold my partner to the windswept ledge

Our heads thrown back as we await the crash

Of pumice stone and hot volcanic ash

 

With molten lava there is just one chance

To swoon and tango in one last romance

So take me in your arms and squeeze me tight

Erupting embers make the earth ignite

 

He holds her waist she grips his wri...

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I’ve got my eye on a bungalow

now I’m ageing fast and living slow

not much to do, nowhere to go

A remote-controlled garage door

An en-suite on the ground floor

These are the things I’m looking for

My rosy afterglow

 

I’ve got my eye on a bungalow

Where I can unwind, go with the flow

Touch the roof it’s only low

A resin drive that’s easy to clean

No moss, no weed...

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Two stones banged together 
To create a misplaced spark
Forget about the weather
Never mind the dark
Harnessing that fire
Gave Neanderthals a thrill
They could build a funeral pyre
And keep out the Ice Age chill

Down countless generations 
The flame remained intact
As in various locations 
Wood was splintered, split and stacked
By Maasai on the Kenyan Plains
In Uluru’s mystic glow
...

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Sleeping with Alexa

 

Got a new girl in the metaverse

It’s impossible to hate her

Although her repartee is terse

And she’s harvesting my data

 

Her presence is immersive

She’s made my life complete

Her motives are subversive

She’s got no hands or feet

 

She’s a disembodied avatar

Who tells me all I need to know

From how to drive a driverless car

What to...

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We’re locking up the poets

And throwing them in cells

They’re dissidents and show it

Via odes and villanelles

 

Collected incantations 

Against the status quo 

Acerbic observations 

Couplets in full flow

 

We’re exiling the muses 

To be banished somewhere grim

With Terza Rima that confuses

And volumes that are slim

 

Wokey right-on anarchists

Who kid...

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If dogs were made world leaders

There would be no futile wars

And laws and treaties would be signed

With inky prints of paws

 

Chihuahuas and Alsatians

Would respect each other’s space

There’d be no United Nations

Just a favourite sniffing place

 

Summit sessions would be held

In playing fields or parks

With flashing collars de rigeur

For meetings after dar...

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We needed Nelson Mandela

They gave us Elizabeth Truss

A crushing disappointment for all the rest of us

We needed Mahatma Gandhi

They gave us Elizabeth Truss

Which was seriously worrying

When her judgement is so sus

We needed Angela Merkel

They gave us Elizabeth Truss

Stick a three-word slogan on a big red bus

Liz our Healer, our Leader our Giver

Chosen to Deliver...

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Parish Councillor (after Betjeman)

 

I am a Parish Councillor; no job’s too small for me

From facilitating Bonfire Night to lighting up the tree

In every avenue and byway of our village small and neat

You’ll find me surveying the highway and examining the street.

 

Who’s that? people say as I stride along the lanes

Frowning, nodding, peering down to investigate the drains

...

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Breaking News ...

 

They sent Santa to Rwanda

He didn’t want to go

The reindeer got deported too

That’s the last they’ll see of snow

In attempting to circumvent border control

It was deemed an illegal immigration 

Caught in the lights of the aerial patrol

With no proof of destination 

Now he’s in a detention place

The subject of arrest

They’ve digitised (and 3D ...

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This is for my dear sister Carole, whom we lost on Monday. She was a member of a very traditional and, dare I say it, quite mysoginistic suburban tennis and bowling club. She played neither, but was by far the best actor in the amateur dramatics section, which sadly folded years ago. She was a brilliant and inspirational primary school teacher, who loved telling stories, especially in verse. She a...

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The invitation came from an anonymous source

With a hint of menace in a note of force

A resolution has been passed

By our High Command

For festive entertainment we want your band

This is not optional, there’s no way out 

We’re ready and waiting so don’t hang about

Be at the Village Hall on the Thirteenth of December

And prepare to deliver an event to remember

There’ll be...

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There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green

The pianola’s full of holes

The Man with No Name’s

Got a Zimmer frame 

And a tray of sausage rolls

He’s a High Plains drifter 

Not from round here

The strong and silent type

Got a dance partner, can’t lift her

They practice moves on Skype

At the monthly hoedown 

At the nursing home 

He wears a felt ten-gallon hat

It’s ...

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Earth has not anything to show more shit

Mad would she be of soul who could watch it

A sight so tragic, such a travesty 

This chancer now doth, like a varmint wear

The mask of a presenter, barefaced stare

Scandal, pandemic, the litany of lies

Indifferent, callous, let bodies pile high

Wittering trivia to the poisoned air  

Never did one so manifestly seep

Self important ...

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There’s a Viking Warrior around the back

With a multi-tool and a Power Pack

Keeps nuts and bolts in a padlocked sack

He’s a DIY Man, he’s building a shack

 

With his manic ScrewFix lust

He’ll transform that hedge into dust

It makes no odds, he’s not fussed

He’s a DIY Man, born to rust

 

He wears a John Deere branded shirt

Recharges himself when he feels inert

Wa...

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Blank look

Dead eyes

Not impressed nor surprised

 

Flamboyant flare reveals a double rainbow

Spotted gazelle prances on a dewy field 

Zero fucks is what they give it, still

 

Dear Poet

Not everybody likes poetry

It’s a matter of their wiring

 

You’re okay

This truth is best to have been found 

Earth still spins us round and round 

 

 

© Candi...

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The Big Boss

My manager is a locust brain

He doesn’t know what he’s doing

 

My manager is a locust brain

The job is kaos when he’s in charge here

 

My manager is a locust brain

Production takes a dip under him

 

My manager is a locust brain

He got the job by kissing arses

 

My manager is a locust brain

The supervisor is much more skilled

 

...

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Different Days

A day like no other for several reasons

I found out my wife is a man with a hidden penis

 

A day like no other for several reasons

For somebody stole the engine from my car

 

A day like no other for several reasons

Due to me falling into the river and drowning

 

A day like no other for several reasons

As my credit card was cloned three time...

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How could I,
The double-faced
WHO’s current leader,
On par with
A chieftain
Brigade general,
Tightlipped attend
My diabolic
Party’s funeral?

Though for
My criminal
Party’s tragic end,
Bereaved,
I have to sob,
I must labor
To garner
The pity of
The credulous, elites
As well as
The mob
Round the globe.

At the same time
Dollars I have
To underwrite
In a bid remaining
...

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A bit of light wordplay written pre Trump's eviction to lighten my mood whilst watching what seemed to be a love race to failure between leaders.

 

Prologue

 

Two households, both alack in dignity,

(In fair Corona, where we lay our scene),

Where ancient men come under new scrutiny,

And touching handles leaves civil hands unclean,

 

From forth the fatal grip of this new f...

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MR PRESIDENT (NO FAKE NEWS) OFFICIAL VIDEO BY FREDO VIOLA

MR PRESIDENT (NO FAKE NEWS)

There’s a war going on and on and on and on

There’s a war going on and on and on and on

Mr President Mr Chairman

the world is not your apocalypse

&

you are no saviours

&

peace

is not

a bargaining chip

&

missiles

are not

golf clubs or basketballs

&

murder by missi...

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