Parish Councillor (after Betjeman)

 

I am a Parish Councillor; no job’s too small for me

From facilitating Bonfire Night to lighting up the tree

In every avenue and byway of our village small and neat

You’ll find me surveying the highway and examining the street.

 

Who’s that? people say as I stride along the lanes

Frowning, nodding, peering down to investigate the drains

I deal in potholes, drugs and dogs, whose insanitary waste

Defiles our pavements daily, where footsteps are misplaced.

 

Holly hedges overhanging, ditches clogged with vegetation

Antisocial exhausts banging to the public’s consternation

I open fêtes and Rose Shows for the Horticultural Society

Judging several Floral Categories with impeccable propriety.

 

For certain off-the record work - I’m talking planning-wise

I’m susceptible to lobbying, so come on - don’t be shy!

I freelance in development and my impact has been felt

On several splendid opportunities within the green belt.

 

A timely transfer or stuffed envelope, handed over round the back

Will help expand a project’s scope and keep construction plans on track

With my colleagues on the Council, I thus exert my influence

To transform woods and verdant pastures into fields of pounds and pence.

 

And if misguided conservationists attempt to block the way

With pleas for newts, or bats, or nesting birds, or space for open play

I draw upon my knowledge of the relevant procedure

To ensure a healthy outcome that will not attract the media.

 

Progress knows no boundaries, to restrict it is insane

Whilst gaps remain for residential use across the flood plain -

It’s basic market economics on a most impressive scale

Which fills our countryside with properties, ensuring opposition fails.