She admires the sky as it begins to brew

The pressure builds as it darkens in color

It tries to hold the storm inside itself; it attempts to hold the weight alone

As the storm within itself grows, it begins to drop the heavier it gets

Drip, drip, drip; the pressure, the weight of the storm has overcome the strength it once had

The storm was too much for the cloud to withstand alone;...

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She walked out and suddenly felt all alone

She had opened herself up again when she promised herself she never would

He made her feel safe, he made her feel wanted, her made her get over obstacles, he made her a better her

Why then did she feel all alone again

She was tired of having to fight for five minutes, she was tired of the switching schedules, she was tired of no time at all

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They walked out the door and the air was heavy

She felt as though she would suffocate as all the air was sucked out of her lungs

Her chest got tighter and tighter with every strained breath

She stood there as he began to turn away from her

Instantly a thousand thoughts ran through her mind like a spinning kaleidoscope

Bright colors, scents, feelings, and thoughts

She went back in...

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I jolt up as the alarm blares, bouncing from wall to wall

My eyes open wide as the sun peeks through the loosely closed blinds

I try to hit snooze but fail effortlessly

I notice his name on the screen and click on the message 

Like most mornings, it’s my good morning message 

My short response gives it away every time

He knows I’m off to say the least

I go to the bathroom to w...

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The slump she had been in for weeks didn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon

Another day of work where she felt useless

Another day of nothingness inside

Another day of getting slightly more numb to it all

She had been here before

Typically she wouldn’t want to go back, but today she was too tired to even care

Maybe she had not cared enough for too long, maybe she had cared too muc...

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Death, dying, passing, departure, dissolution

The fear of the end, but why

For some the end is the only answer

For some the darkness is the light

For some it is the saving grace from the hell of the light

This world can be so cruel, so cold, so unfair

For some the only answer is a bottle, a pill, a blade

Those are the people we push away, we judge, when they may not have found...

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The way the world I’ve seen millions of times can look so different after one moment

One life-altering moment

The world looks and feels foreign

When you left this world I instantly relaxed

While the tears began to swell, I kept them at bay knowing you finally got that breath

You finally let go of the pain from every inch of your body

You became free, and I was so happy for you to...

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The water ripples into peaks as the winds picks it up and slashes it into the rocks

Each peak glistens like snow on a mountain top, like diamonds on black felt

The waves crash into the shoreline forcing the moss to spread into the crystal blue water

Another gust of wind comes, bringing the smell of pine and freshly cut grass arising my senses

Grass and weeds line the waterfront, softly...

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Why is it so much harder to be ok than it is to not

Why does the darkness seem so safe

All i want is to not be ok

All i want is to give up, throw in the towel

I don't want to have to fight for the light or that breath of fresh air

I don't want to fight for all the crap she took from me

She can take back what she gave me instead

She kept everything i needed and left me with ev...

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My biggest fear isn’t that I will realize I’m in the wrong career with the wrong degree in years

My biggest fear isn’t that I will look at my daughter and feel empty that she isn’t biologically mine

My biggest fear isn’t that he will cheat on me or lie to me

My biggest fear is that he will wake up in ten years and realize that the fight has become too hard

My biggest fear is that he wi...

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The power it has, the power i give it, and how to make it stop

Exactly 1 year ago today, I moved back to Jacksonville

It has been a year since the suicide attempts, the pills, the tears, the bottom

Today should be nothing but positive looking how far ive come

Yet here i am looking up adderall and vicodin

Such a short time, yet for so long

My heart begins to race thinking about th...

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Did I finally find the sunrise over the hill

The way he looks at me as if he doesn’t see the scars

The way he smile at my goofy tendencies

He touches me softly as if I’m beautiful

He sees something in me that I don’t

He makes me think that it may be possible to overcome the past

There’s something there that is unreal, something new

There’s promise and future

It’s indescriba...

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These thoughts swirl at high winds

The kaleidoscope spins aimlessly

A hundred colors rush past me

Why then do I stop at every shade of blue I see

Is blue honest

Is it telling

It’s reminding

Reminding me to not get comfortable

Don’t sit too close to the edge

When the cliff gives way, my pieces will shatter

It will be my weight that makes it break

And it will be then...

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Here I am, in this dark abyss

It’s cold and it’s damp

I look for my firefly, but her light keeps dimming

It’s almost out, but I never knew

The rain begins to fall

Black streams running down the hills of this face, this place

The abyss begins to fill

As it fills I stand feeling the cold water run up my thighs the same way he did

I’m frozen, but his hands were so warm

I tr...

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If only I had no stories like these to tell

I don’t get it

Why do so many bad things happen

I don’t even know what to believe in anymore

I don’t think she does either

She has no plans

Somehow I am supposed to be the big sister here and protect her

And catch her when she falls, but I need someone to catch me

How can I catch her when we are both falling into the depths of dar...

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I’m floating in the eye of the storm

They always said it was the calmest

What they don’t tell you is that you freeze

Watching the destruction

Every direction i look i see destruction, demolition, failure, and regret

As the winds become stronger, my soul becomes still

Im at ease to feel the full impact of the storm

Its better than what i feel now

Which is nothing at all

D...

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Its overwhelming and swallowing me whole

I ask for a hug, but why when it is only a bandaid

Your arms around me make it seem like its ok for just a moment

But then you let go, and my mind returns

The thoughts never go away, they never will

Its 2 am and the fear of falling asleep and not waking up emerges

Its 3 am and it dawns on me that I may never get my break

I may never ge...

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