The power it has, the power i give it, and how to make it stop

Exactly 1 year ago today, I moved back to Jacksonville

It has been a year since the suicide attempts, the pills, the tears, the bottom

Today should be nothing but positive looking how far ive come

Yet here i am looking up adderall and vicodin

Such a short time, yet for so long

My heart begins to race thinking about the bitter taste

And then the mixture of the wine and the pills

But the craving is the high

The moment where im not diabetic, im not depressed, im not fat, im not a disappointment, im not a mistake, im enough, and i dont give a fuck about anything else

He thinks he’s not doing enough if i relapse depression

He thinks he’s needs to do more when i struggle with the addictions

Today i poured 9 bottles of alcohol down the sink

This morning i saw the disappointment in his eyes with a box full of numbness

I completed my mental evaluation

I answered every question truthfully and now i wish i hadnt

I held back but now all the thoughts that were hidden come about

All i want right now is to drink

All i want is to take that pill that makes me so happy and carefree

Why do i feel so much pain

The pain and hurt is flooding through every breath i breathe

Its overtaking every inch of me

Im not ok

Not a single inch of me is ok

I love to be alone at times

its then that i can slide down the wall as the tears fall as well

Its then that i can clench my first but let just a little go

I can feel the breaking point

I can see the cracks