What He Doesn't Know

I jolt up as the alarm blares, bouncing from wall to wall

My eyes open wide as the sun peeks through the loosely closed blinds

I try to hit snooze but fail effortlessly

I notice his name on the screen and click on the message 

Like most mornings, it’s my good morning message 

My short response gives it away every time

He knows I’m off to say the least

I go to the bathroom to wipe the makeup streaks from my cheeks and wonder how they made it to my chin

I prepare myself from the inevitable, his next message asking if I’m ok

I brush it off like always, but feel that physical pain deep in my stomach and chest proving that I’m still far from it

He doesn’t have to ask me that, but he does because he loves me

He asks me if I’m ok and the pain is so deep; it radiates from my chest down my fingertips

It’s as if I’m waiting to be scolded; something he would never do

I’m waiting to one day just admit that I’m not ok and it be a problem for him

So I stay quiet, and create my own unnecessary pain

I retreat on days like this but he pushes through the walls

We battle back and forth before he convinces me to meet him for breakfast

I walk in with my head down trying to avoid eye contact at all costs

The first words I hear are, “ Why does it look like you’ve been crying”

The hurt I instantly feel is almost more than I can take to keep from bursting into tears in the middle of this little diner

Best I can come up with is a shoulder shrug

He sees through my guarded self

He sees the pain I avoid, some days the pain of the past is just too much

Some days I don’t have enough glue to keep the cracks together before every emotion comes spilling out like a dam breaking into a waterfall

I do not want my past to define me yet it does

I do not want to be broken; I do not want to find out again that I am not enough

I know he deserves much better than the pile of rubble I’ve made my life into

I’m selfish because I just want him to be mine, always

I do not want to hurt him, but I know it is inevitable

I destroy lives, relationships, anything good around me

I realize that I’m already beginning to destroy him as my dreams begin to change

He would never ever hurt me, yet the subconscious mind believes otherwise

The dream that shatters me

It’s the physical destruction of me by the man I love more than I’ve ever loved another human

It’s the fact that my mind even created such an outcome that makes me come completely unglued

The only person I want to talk to about this dream is my best friend yet how do u tell your best friend that you dreamt about him hurting you

I tell him that and he will see hesitation or lack of trust 

Yet that’s far from the truth 

If only he knew the events of the past 

If only he knew how terrifying it is to fall so deeply

If only he knew how much I love him

So I will shrug my shoulders and say I’m fine 

For I know I always will be with him by my side

◄ Pouring Rain

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Comments

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Abdul Ahmad

Mon 18th May 2020 11:52

Kristy

Enjoyed reading this heart breaking tale.
Well narrated.
Held my attention from start to finish.

Thank you for sharing it here on Wol.

Abdul

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