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Red stilettos on the bowling green

This is for my dear sister Carole, whom we lost on Monday. She was a member of a very traditional and, dare I say it, quite mysoginistic suburban tennis and bowling club. She played neither, but was by far the best actor in the amateur dramatics section, which sadly folded years ago. She was a brilliant and inspirational primary school teacher, who loved telling stories, especially in verse. She a...

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humourlight versejenny josephsatireeulogylife after death

The Tough Gig

The invitation came from an anonymous source

With a hint of menace in a note of force

A resolution has been passed

By our High Command

For festive entertainment we want your band

This is not optional, there’s no way out 

We’re ready and waiting so don’t hang about

Be at the Village Hall on the Thirteenth of December

And prepare to deliver an event to remember

There’ll be...

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Christmashumoursatirevillage lifelittle englandnorthern townlight versebands

Once upon a time in a vest

There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green

The pianola’s full of holes

The Man with No Name’s

Got a Zimmer frame 

And a tray of sausage rolls

He’s a High Plains drifter 

Not from round here

The strong and silent type

Got a dance partner, can’t lift her

They practice moves on Skype

At the monthly hoedown 

At the nursing home 

He wears a felt ten-gallon hat

It’s ...

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black humourhumoursatireparodyCowboygrowing old

Urinal View

It is our extreme pleasure

To cast open our doors for you

And present for your lifestyle and leisure

The incomparable Urinal View

Imagine yourself on summer days

On your balcony facing the strand

Absorbing ultraviolet rays

Where the lavatories stand

Twenty-two exclusive apartments

Designed for the fortunate few

With an open Northerly aspect

Overhanging the public l...

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humourparodythe seanorthern ireland

Dave's Back

When all around is crumbling

And there’s nothing left to save

And the economy is tumbling

It’s time to call for Dave

 

He’s super and he’s Tory

His haircut is so smart

He would be great on Jackanory

He just looks and sounds the part

 

He once called a referendum

That left us lonely and bereft

Wrote a memoir, an addendum

To a career lacking heft

 

He sat...

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political satirehumourhumorous versepolitics humourtories

Love on the Allotment

Their love on the allotment bloomed in early Spring

This was a lasting passion, no fleeting seasonal fling

The seeds of it were scattered in an afternoon of planting

Which concluded in Myfanwy’s shed with groans and furtive panting

 

While Carwyn sowed his sunflower seeds she tended to his plums

They shared a packet of McVities best, nibbling on the crumbs

When Spring turned i...

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humourhumourous poemsgardeningallotments poemlove poems

Neighbour's got a new hot tub

Neighbour’s got a new hot tub

Cost six grand from B and Q

It came with white robes, a fridge and a sub

They’re for the chosen few

 

Neighbour’s got a new hot tub

It completely fills his deck

It’s superior to a back rub

And it’s sorted out his neck

 

It’s both rigid and inflatable

With blue lights in LED

It’s necessity’s debatable 

It’s an al fresco luxury

...

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humoursocial satiresuburban delightssuburbia

Finding Van Gogh In Ramsgate

The last time I had made his acquaintance was in New York

His Mountains at Saint-Rémy hangs resplendent in The Guggenheim

And I was entranced coming face to face with Vincent’s art

in frame

Vividly he depicted his visions of the world, so full of passion and energy

The memory stayed with me…

Finding a bust of Vincent in Ramsgate felt peculiarly odd

He lived in Spencer Square a...

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poetryarthumourvangogh

Every Day A Celebration

I wrote this for a Guy Fawkes Night poetry event back in 2013 (yes, such a thing actually happened!)I wrote this for a Guy Fawkes Night poetry event back in 2013 (yes, such a thing actually happened!)

Remember, Remember…the what of November?
Was sure there was something…try to remember
Dates in a diary, reminders of significance
Sure there was something...just think perchance
Perchance to t...

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poetryhumourbonfirenight

DIY Man

There’s a Viking Warrior around the back

With a multi-tool and a Power Pack

Keeps nuts and bolts in a padlocked sack

He’s a DIY Man, he’s building a shack

 

With his manic ScrewFix lust

He’ll transform that hedge into dust

It makes no odds, he’s not fussed

He’s a DIY Man, born to rust

 

He wears a John Deere branded shirt

Recharges himself when he feels inert

Wa...

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DIYsuburbiahumourblack humoursatirejohn cooper clarke

Kidnap in Venice - Here comes the W.I.

On the Grand Canal in Venice

where bridges span and sigh

There’s a rising sense of menace

Here comes the W.I.

 

They’re oblivious to the sandbags

Stacked against an inundation

As they wield their leather handbags

And march in tight formation

 

At the head of them is Norah

The bravest and the best 

The other girls adore her

In their phalanx, ten abreast

 

...

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humourlight verseEnglandvillage life

A Kangaroo at the Barbecue

There’s a Kangaroo at the barbecue

She’s not supposed to be here

There’s a kangaroo at the barbecue

Snaffling snags and necking beer

She just hopped off with a chicken thigh

That thigh has never been so high

It was a bit of a shock, I’m not gonna lie

 

She’s a chargrill kleptomaniac

A high flying ‘roo with a view

Get Superman, call Brainiac

She’s bit off more than ...

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humourlight verseSurreal poetry

The Big Spot

I’ve got a big spot on the top of my head

It came from nowhere and just grew and grew

I’m not happy about it

But I might as well admit

I’ve got a big spot on the top of my head.

 

The next day that big spot was still there

I gave it a squeeze and some gunk came out

I slapped on some cream then I slapped on some more

I’ve still got a big spot on my head

But now it’s qu...

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humourpoetry

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