Poetry Blogs (2019, satire)
The latest scientific research seems to point to the fact that if your parents did not have any children you are 99% likely to not have any either.
In nine months time a baby boom ( I know its a tautology )
will be resounding across the world
During all of this captivity, much sexual action will unfurl
Boys and girls will be popping up like there is no tomorrow
Bringing lots of...
Monday 30th March 2020 10:42 am
Good morning Doctor, I have a nasty cough
Can you sign this chit, so I don’t get laid off.
How long have you it had it, I’m duty-bound to ask
and, since you are here, take off that silly mask.
I am just being responsible as we all should do
Unlike you, you silly arse, you haven't got a clue
Where is your face mask to protect you from the goo
I can’t f’n get one, because o...
Friday 20th March 2020 11:21 am
Two apes having a head-to-head:
"It's friggin' absurd!" one of them said,
"Eight million species inhabit this earth,
Balancing nature and proving their worth;
But look at those creatures that are called 'man':
Ruining our planet as fast as they can;
They've polluted our air and poisoned the seas;
Their revolting habits cause death by disease!
Some of them perish with nothin...
Friday 16th August 2019 6:35 pm
Freddie Starr? Charlie Chaplin?
No - Nigel Farage
Thursday 23rd May 2019 4:51 pm
Recipe For Disaster
Make sure you’ve got a big bowl.
OK, we’re ready to commence.
Take a pinch of honesty,
add an ounce of common sense,
stir in bloody mindedness,
gently fold in care,
season it with integrity
(if you’ve got any spare),
sprinkle it with passion,
avoid the nuts and flakes,
put it in a hot oven
and see how long it takes
for it to become bu...
Monday 1st April 2019 2:52 pm
I walk these majestic corridors of the huge tower block
Skyscraper clawing down the sky into the earth
Thirty two floors above ground
And ten below where anything goes
Tell me, what’s down there?
Ornate toilets fit for a king
That I use three times a night
When I have a right big shit
And wash my armpits, tonsils and nipples on the bidet
Saturday 14th April 2018 8:40 am
Born just like any other girl, life hardly started
when something happened.
It was the drug’s fault, some type of reaction stopped her
just after she started.
Try to imagine how she went through life
not being able to do what we all can do.
To talk to her computer.
By pure willpower and by logic she managed.
Gigs came along and brought new meaning,
Saturday 14th April 2018 8:35 am
Sing me a song of life and times together,
do me a guitar ballad of mesmerising heart strings
being pulled ever so delicately.
My end game here in this town of a quarter of a million,
to a city 28 times bigger. Got me a girl and a job
and a future down there, what my own home town failed
to give me, of how it failed me ever so bad.
Not due to my efforts...
Thursday 5th April 2018 8:19 am
You had to see it to believe it in the call centre
How you had to queue up twice in the lines
To hand in your bag and phone
Mard arse ******* security guards thinking they're God
Elevated to a lofty status beyond you and me
Who the **** do these twoddles think they are?
Donald Damn ******* Trump?
At least he's a really rich arsehole
The fake guards bello...
Wednesday 21st March 2018 4:53 pm
This place gets under your skin. Slowly creeping in like black Texas gold. I said I'd never partake in the cat house girls. Seeing them each day for eighteen months was routine. Walking past the 'venues' to my shop. Usual hi's and hello's.
Then one fine humid day, bang! I happened. I changed. Cabin fever? I walked into Suzi's Place. I put my cash on the counter and grinded the mamasan f...
Monday 19th February 2018 10:45 pm
Burn baby and give me some sulphuric hydrochloric acid smoke,
your fire gives me toasted tiktox and crisps me up nicely.
Boom goes the roof when 55 gallon drums go flying and it’s all ballistic.
The money shot is when the boss’s office goes up like a frigging rocket.
He was sat at his desk and went to the moon.
Chemical Ali won’t be coming back anytime soon.
Question is where is his t...
Monday 19th February 2018 10:40 pm
He made a decision to clean the factory chimney out.
Did he know it would be messy?
I look out of my window and see so much smoke emanating from the chimney.
It blanketed the fields in particulate sulphate alkali acid.
I was so happy! I could be a zombie now.
I ran down to the fields and danced naked in the grass.
I was in a real pea souper of man made chemical arsenic fog....
Monday 19th February 2018 10:39 pm
Sometimes you have
To think out of the box,
"Flog the workaholic ox
So that the indolent one
Dragged by the yoke
Willy nilly, together, begins
To work! "
Wednesday 17th January 2018 11:23 am
It should not come as a surprise
Though the right posture
A subordinate doesn't lack
"Do in Rome as Romans do"
With a curved back
s/he has to walk!
It shouldn't come
As a surprise
Praise that shower
On a tyrant government
Saturday 13th January 2018 2:00 pm
It seems timely, in more ways than one, to post this poem today. It was the local paper of my childhood, the Wirral Globe, which first introduced me to the concept of Fake News with its locally legendary series of April Fool spoof news articles. But it's chilling how close some of these have come to reality...
The Birkenhead April Fools (for Dot Humphrey)
We argue still, my Mum and I,
Saturday 1st April 2017 7:08 pm
There was a Red leader called Corbyn,
Beset by Blairites a-squablin’,
Despite overwhelming support,
Unelectable they thought,
They’d rather have Thatcher over him.
Wednesday 3rd August 2016 4:53 am
All hail bold Etonian Boris,
Whose exploits sent up quite a chorus,
To prove Europe was dead,
He swung down by his head,
Into the seat of Foreign Office.
Wednesday 3rd August 2016 4:46 am
Not sure if this one counts as a poem, but its here anyway.
Presented by John Speaker
"Hi guys and welcome to the show!
The show where we aim to make debate look like adolescent banter!
"In today's game we have two teams who have entered the room blindfolded. On the right we have the blue team led by David!
"Hi David, tell us a little about yourself but wi...
Friday 1st April 2016 10:01 pm
Drinking in my local
last dullday afternoon
soft drizzle outside
nothing much happening
usual 21st c. sense of ennui
when the door burst open
and a woman danced in
spinning wheeling pirouetting
across the floor
up on to a table
scattering drinkers before her
eyes flashing devilment and untamed fire
the shimmer of her dress was scarlet,
Wednesday 10th December 2014 8:31 am
A native American, Hawkeye the Noo
Emigrated to Scotland in '72
He loved deep fried Mars bars and the odd Irn Bru
But now he knows not what to do
The mountains and plains were a wonderful yardstick
As his ancestors populated desert to Arctic
But Hawkeye he settled for a wigwam in Partick
But now he knows not what to do
He's always been proud to call Scotland his h...
Friday 12th September 2014 9:08 pm
They parade down the catwalk
outside of number ten
it’s David’s new TILF army
taking over from the men
cause he’s not likely to be a winner
at next years general election
and if it doesn’t work for him
well, he’ll still have the erection
as he brings some lovely ladies
into the cabinet
because the wrinkly bastards
were as bad as it could get
so here are some ideas Dave
Tuesday 29th July 2014 7:13 pm
Thor (He's A Jolly Good Fellow)
Another bloody immigrant
has just moved in next door -
he’s North East European
and goes by the name of Thor.
So as good old Mister Farage says
“There ought to be a law
that stops them coming here
cause we can’t take any more”.
He’s got long blonde tussled hair
and a chiselled square jaw
and he’s taking British jobs
at the local Ikea store -
Wednesday 23rd July 2014 11:00 pm
Oh wondrous River Avon
Gurgling gently and so free
On through Wiltshire to the sea
See the lanterns, hear the children
Watch their parents smile with glee
Once the festival has started
Please do not look for me
I'll be in the —anal Tavern
Hoping they've replaced the 'C'!
There is less than a week to go if you want to enter.
Wednesday 23rd July 2014 2:55 pm
Here's to all Performing Ranters
The whoopers', and the waving panters
Stuff academics licking asses
Scowling through rose-tinted glasses
Before I get my recompense
What is a 'Poet in Residence'?
A girl who writes
Lives in a tent
Is she a 'Poet With Intent'?
Let's have a workshop.
Make a bid
Then charge the punters all five quid
Liquid lunch and ...
Tuesday 15th July 2014 11:55 am
They say the playing fields of Eton
Have given this nation so very much:
This current set of mental inbreeds
Who’ve lost the common touch?
They’ve taxed our beer, cigs and patties,
Expect us all to work some years longer
All in the cause and the name of making
Both us and the nation that much stronger.
They’re the one nation Tories;
Thursday 3rd October 2013 12:55 pm
There once was a poet called Lee
who said that he always wrote three
lines in his limericks.
From my new free e-book 'Kidnapped By A Public House'
Sunday 12th May 2013 9:10 am
My book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire' is now an incredible £3.99 when you type SAFIRE into the discount code box on
Thursday 26th April 2012 1:14 pm
We, the generation of the damned, the lost ones,
the weird ones, the ones you stare at and misunderstand,
as a joke I say Hiroshima was good, let’s do it again!
Do you think I’m mad? I say a man is to be judged
on his actions, not on his memories, wise words for me.
Why are we like this? I have my own answers and know
I’m lucky, I have my music...
Tuesday 4th October 2011 6:06 pm
We run down the street to escape the local cops.
I went into the liquor store with my mate Arnie –
we looked around and spied that big fat gringo:
together we said, “Give us the cash, this is a stick up!”
He had no option – we were the guys with a sawn off.
Then it was off down the street with four bags of cash,
our haul for the day and an ea...
Sunday 28th August 2011 4:00 pm
This poem is written in dedication to this beautifully stupid article here: Fashion’s Ultimate Insult to Women, by Amanda Platell
Ladies! Remember how we’re all repressed?
And we cower in the mirror as we get undressed?
And we heave regret on our neglectful mothers
When we see one boob is bigger than the other? And when they didn’t stock YOUR size at New Look -
Didn’t it feel like Joa...
Friday 25th February 2011 5:05 pm