Humour (Remove filter)

The First, The Second, The Third

 

The first: I went to bed with your wife.

The second: How do you like the first?

The third: She wants to stay with me.

-The first: I don’t live with my wife.

The second: She has AIDS.

The third: How do you like the second?

 

 

Do you think that

A toilet bowl is just a hole

For your feces

Or for your ass?

It can be a place for your face...

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humour

Man Flu

(with apologies to The Clash)

 

DOCTOR YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW

SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW

PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT I'LL BE FINE

AFTER I'VE WAITED ALL THIS TIME

SO YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME KNOW

SHOULD I SNIFF OR SHOULD I BLOW?

 

IT'S ALWAYS SNEEZE, SNEEZE, SNEEZE

siempre achu, achu, achu

THIS MAN FLU'S GOT ME ON MY KNEES

manflu me tiene arrodillas

...

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humour

There's an App

For your dietary requirements    

there’s an app

If you're planning your retirement  

get an app

If you want to check the weather           

there's an app

It was written by a clever Asian chap

 

If you're somewhere on vacation

and you need a quick translation

of the country's salutation,

with correct pronunciation, 

there's an app

 

Why n...

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humour

Rzhepicks

 

May be I am not as strong as it seems to be,

But I am not as weak as someone wants me to be.

 

It’s not the question of whom to marry,

It’s the question what to do with the rest:

Gary. Larry, Barry, Jerry……

   

            A drunken man shouted as his voice allowed:

            Where am I? I feel like to cry!

            You are in Soho square if to be ...

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humour

Not a tit at all

(photo by The Rev'd Richard Stamp - Australia)

 

The bearded tit is not a tit; it’s not a tit at all.

The clues are in the finer points, the details very small.

I know you’ll not believe it, and you’ll want to verify;

So if you’re out one summer’s eve where tits might catch your eye;

If there’s a rustle in the reeds, a twitcher in the rye;

The chances are that you will find a ...

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bearded tithumour

On finding a tiny hole in my shoe ...

the size

of a molecule of water

is smaller than it oughta

be,

‘cos if it were bigger,

then I figger

my feet would stay drier,

see?

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humour

Femme Fatale

The barman nodded knowingly, she smiled and said “Bonsoir”

She moulded to a barstool and he brought her café noir.

Her scarlet beret matched the lipstick rosebud on her cup,

I sat beside her, caught her eye then winked and said “Ey up”

I said “hello love, what’s your name” She answered “Femme fatale”

I asked “Well, how’s it going lass?” she shrugged and said “Pas mal”

Sh...

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humour

The Yeung Sing Hotel

There are no young at the Yeung Sing hotel,

only those who grew old, singing for their supper,

or was it breakfast?  For night turns to day, turns to night,

waiting to break fast, to break bread, to break owt

of the Yeung Sing Hotel where the hands of the clock stand still

like the ends of the arms of the chef who mans the grill.

Daylight saving seems a concept made in h...

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humourbad servicehunger

To Be Or Not To Be?

 

To be or not to be on diet?

That is the question!

I think I won’t.

I better prefer an entrecote.

I certainly love to eat,

My favorite dishes are so sweet.

I never ignore a cake.

How delicious is a juicy steak.

Sandwiches with caviar,

Spaghetti and meatballs,

Pilaf and goulash,

Cucumbers and fish …..

Why should I lose weight?

To eat is ne...

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humour

Rzhepicks

 

Time flies so fast!

It’s a pity

you are leaving

at last!

             ***

If you don’t believe in love at first sight

look at me once more from another side,

I hope you’ll see something to adore.

             ***

I am thinking to give up drinking.

But how can I do that?

I am in the greatest fear

as beer costs less than milk.

Isn’t it t...

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humour

I'd Do That for Love

I feel weird today. And it’s pissing me off.
And sure - I could blame beef stroganoff
But this felt like I hadn't eaten at all.
Wouldn’t stop - despite paracetamol.

And I - didn’t feel - that I could adopt the
Bravery needed for seeing a doctor
And Google basically forecast my death
On the offchance that there was any hope left

And I must admit, it did take a while
Consi...

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deniallovehumour

RZHEPICKS

 

If you have nothing to say keep quiet,

If you have nothing to show you are retired.

                           ***

Everyone could be much wiser

If that one would find a sympathizer.

                            ***

Any plan without intent –

The essence of a content.

                             ***

Her conscience is so transparent and clean

That it w...

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humourlife

RZHEPICKS

 

Buy this watches

With diamond blotches!

They are like Swiss made.

Ok! Here are dollars hand made.

                  ***

Reading his emails

I imagined a prince from tales.

But …when we met

Without any regret

I told him frankly

When he looked at me blankly:

Farewell, my dream!

We can’t be in one team.

                  ***

-You are a ...

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humour

RZHEPICKS

 

The one who laughs the last

Don’t understand the joke so fast.

                    ***

You are so fashionable

And  I am not profitable.

                     ***

I sell watches.

For the one who watches watches

50 dollars per hour.

For the one who buys

30 dollars with a prize.

                      ***

He is richer than me for 10 years.

 ...

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humour

RZHEPICKS

 

Do not protest!

As it’s the best!

After doing nothing

To have a good rest.

                  ***

A soul wants a picture,

An ass - an adventure.

                ***

I am always polite,

And think I am right.

When I send him to hell

I always recall and ask

If he is well.

                ***

There is something absolutely English

In t...

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humour

RZHEPICKS

 

They say: Time is money.

I have a lot of time

But…have no money.

           ***

If you don’t have enough money

You better don’t call her

You are my honey.

            ***

I am looking for a husband and a friend.

If they come together I’ll withstand.

            ***

You’ve come – Thank you!

You’ve left – Thank you very much!

             ...

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humour

My Head Hurts... ;)

 

My head hurts, it is so very far from nice
My head hurts, I've tried pills and heat and ice
 
But no ease comes from their application,
will it ever leave without my suffocation?
 
My head hurts, it's been going on for years,
My head hurts, did I say it leads to tears?
 
Just when I think that they've found a cure,
the pain returns again so I can be...

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PainHumour

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