Offend a Daily Mail reader - today!

Offend a Daily Mail reader – today!


In our miniscule existences upon this planet Earth

There’s precious few occurrences to occasion us true mirth

So listen up real loudly, those with brains and minds to spare

Who still hang on to plucking out true hope from thinnest air

Here’s the solution, if you’re open to such play

Just offend a Daily Mail reader today


Oh, it’s effortless, hilarious and oh so easy to do

Consider it your birthright if you hang on to an IQ

They’re just reactionary springs – coiled and waiting to blow off

To rip open their cardigans in an overloaded froth

At the suggestion there’s a happier world outside their window panes

Go on – offend a Mail reader today


For a start, just smile and be happy

Be tolerant and gay

Both meanings of the word will make them sweat and pant and rave

Show gentleness to others that has meaning, from the heart

Embrace all of humanity – can you feel them blow apart?

Now watch them all explode in a mass of fleshy flames

You did it! You offended a Mail reader today


Now you’ve got the hang of it, Jan Moir is your goal

Pretend the ghost of Gately has come for her foul soul

To drag her off to hell where all her ilk belong

Lucy Meadows can then join in and gather Littlejohn

Drop the weight of all their putrid hatred on their heads

Offend a Daily Mail columnist instead


If you’re taking it too seriously, don’t sink to their abyss

Drink in all life’s beauty, let them curse and hiss

And while they vomit on their bile and anger boils their blood

Pour yourself a long, cool drink and keep on having fun

Ah, the word that drives them gurgling into a fit of moral rage

See, it’s easy to offend a Mail reader today


Panic them with concepts of tolerance and love

Baffle them with concepts of independent thought

Horrify their senses with their own hypocrisy

But don’t panic if your pleading fails to set them free

You see, some of them are delirious in their cancerous pits of hate

Mail readers actually enjoy being offended – most days


The piece de resistance if all else has failed

The coup de grace, the denoument, the final holy grail

Is to show their blinkered eyeballs that they’re losing their vain fight

That the future’s right here, right now and it’s sweeping them aside

We’re a multi-faceted society and we’re happier that way

That’ll offend every Mail reader today!

Daily MailJan MoirRichard LittlejohnbrainshilaritycardigansLucy Meadowshellhatredvomitdrinkingtolerancelovecancerholy graileyeballs

◄ Just Another Load of Shite

Not so Bohemian now ►


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M.C. Newberry

Thu 1st Aug 2013 14:00

This is certainly consistently thought-provoking and packs a punch from its own POV.I bought a copy the other day - not finding the Daily Express available and have to admit that other than the many pages devoted to femail(oops) interests, I wondered what all the fuss was about, recalling the frequent derogatory references to it from the worthies in BBC programmes like "Mock The Week" and "Have I Got News For You". Columnists like Richard Littlejohn fulfil the need for a Mr Angry to speak out for those who feel themselves airbrushed out of the story of a country they helped save and prosper whilst every other section of UK society gets its platform to utter strident views of its expected "entitlements" and "rights".
Let Voltaire be our guide lest those who complain about the likes of Littlejohn et al make themselves risible by their vehemence towards and intolerance of a bluntly stated opinion they don't happen to like.

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Simon Marks

Sat 27th Jul 2013 19:53

Many thanks Dave, I work in the journalism profession and have had, in the past, to tolerate Mail sympathisers, so my heart goes out to you. But cheers for the kind comments.

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Dave Bradley

Sat 27th Jul 2013 14:05

It's one of the sadnesses of my life that there are Daily Mail readers in the family (so I do get to read it occasionally). It's particularly annoying that it includes odd bits of good journalism along with all the subtle brainwashing, peddling of indignation and skewed, prejudiced reporting. Anyway, it deserves every word you've written Marksy. Thank you.

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Fri 26th Jul 2013 06:11

Fantastic. Loved reading this.

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