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Chlamydia, Chlamydia

How could a name be prettier?

You’re up there with the Chardonnays

Bianca, Sharon, Mel and Jade

Once kiss from you my lips enflame

To pass you by it causes pain

you burn your name into my hide

you penetrate me deep inside

one look from me into your eyes

and I’m left barren, sterilised…


Chlamydia, chlamydia

No name on earth is prettier

Sister to that Gonorrhoea

Heinous daughter of King Lear

or best mates with Hermione

It has to be a travesty

That you should be an STD

Transferred by promiscuity

Much worse than that the fact, for me

That Wigan you should choose to be

Your hotbed, capital and home

Statistically your proven throne

In all of Europe, nowhere worse

As ill afflicted by your curse

And yet to me it seems quite clear

That someone’s tried our name to smear

There’s something’s queer, there’s something stinks

Stats and facts, not thongs methinks

There’s more to this than meets the eye

Some wools been pulled and someone’s lied

I have a crafty inkling that

I know the source of all the crap

Suffice to say that as a rule

All bad roads lead to Liverpool

That Mordor with no northern lights

Whose men-folk venture out at night

Dim, dark riders on a mission

DNA and germ transmission

Those naughty knaves, those cheeky chaps

In search of class and fresher flaps


Why even now, right as I speak

They’re lining up along King St

Orange maidens, fair of face

Defrocked, then knocked up in great haste

Girls innocently led astray

To later curse and rue the day

They ever clapped their eyes upon

Those scousers boys from Babylon


Chlamydia, Chlamydia

How does a girl get riddya?

Expunge herself of such a man

Let’s conjure up a cunning plan

Town planning on a wider scale

Take Infrastructure, road and rail

Build ourselves a great big gate

Erect it on M58

The junction where it meets M6

At Orrell, Juntion 26

Or better still connect it to

Some junction on M62

Its high time Yorkshire played the host

Their men folk made to have a dose

A brand new form of scouser cricket

Out for a fuck and a sticky wicket

Howzat for a googly pair of knackers

Yorkshires innings out for jaffas


Or funnel them M6/M1

Let Savverners go swivel on

North and South thus reunited

Carnally consumed and blighted

Gap unminded, skirts unhitched

Underground and tubes both blitzed


Or maybe we should think more global

Peace to all, a prize most nobel

Night drop them into Libya

Infect them with Chamydia

Stealth missiles on a smaller scale

Germ warfare with a scouser tail

United Nations off the hook

Gadaffi routed by a fuck


Embassadors that spread good will

More efficacious than the pill

Send emissaries off to China

Acquaint them with the scouse vagina

No need to strangle girls at birth

Decide so young a woman’s worth

We’ll sort out their family planning

Resolve the country’s over-manning

Chromesomal liberation

XYZ extermination

Scotch explosive population

Make scoursers saviours of the nation


Then when we’ve set the world to rights

When Wigan’s free of parasites

Our girls are free to strut their stuff

Without the fear of mangy muff

We’ll celebrate our rightful claim

Restore the goodness of our name

Heads held high, no need to fear

The roads stretched out to Wigan Pier...


Bawdy humour

◄ Pumps

Skin Deep ►


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Lynn Dye

Tue 28th Aug 2012 22:05

Only just caught up with this, Isobel. Very funny and pure brilliance. xx

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Charlie Preston

Tue 28th Aug 2012 00:28

Wow! I had to share on Facebook. I'll infect all my friends with Chlamydia! In poetry form, of course.

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Neil Fawcett

Fri 25th Nov 2011 22:42

I really enjoyed this Isobel. Funny, funny, funny.

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Gareth Writer-Davies

Wed 16th Nov 2011 22:27

Hilarious and well thought out-wonder if I can get some poems out of my various afflictions; hmmm....

<Deleted User> (9593)

Tue 18th Oct 2011 17:36

Absolutely fantastic....and to see and hear you read it! Superlative! Perfection in rhyme and rhythm....fantastic ideas and images. Just loved the Tolkien reference and the journey round the world ending, so appropriately at Wigan. You can't read it too often!!

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Elaine Booth

Tue 11th Oct 2011 18:51

Isobel, heard you do this a couple of times and it is always hilarious and so wryly performed. I love it. Great to see it up here at last. XXX

<Deleted User> (6292)

Tue 11th Oct 2011 13:38

...such a pretty name...and you're only scatching the surface!

Well done Isobel.

Augusta xx

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 8th Oct 2011 14:30

Some of the old Tin Pan Alley songsmiths would
have been at home with the rhyming. Very funny
and imaginative in equal doses (oops!

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Jeff Dawson

Sat 8th Oct 2011 09:37

Hi Isobel, I think you might be asking a lot, but enjoyed reading this, well put together and made me smile, only had the one STD test, thankfully it was clear, all the best Jeff X

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Wed 5th Oct 2011 18:20

Awww thanks for your comments folks - glad to hear your son liked it Stella. I like to write some light hearted stuff that can connect with a non poet audience also.

The poem was written 6 months ago,inspired by daughter coming home from school after a sex education lesson at school. It shocked me to hear that Wigan was one of the worst places in Europe for the complaint...

My favourite part is the pop at China for its human rights abuse. Beneath the humour there is actually a lot of anger, which I do feel when I perform it.Peace to all ;-) x

<Deleted User> (6315)

Wed 5th Oct 2011 15:56

Oh I def want to see this performed live Isobel... :D just played it to my youngest lad who thought is was brill .. (although he said it was slightly rude) he is 21!

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Chris Co

Wed 5th Oct 2011 15:29

Risque, but very well written. Oddly for me the funniest parts are the lateral references to the motorways, which I found unexpected and hilarious.

I am very defiantly against defending cities against humour!

Liverpool is a great place, but it has its problems like anywhere else. I could go on all day about the great things (so many of them).

But one of the bad things is, that as a city that has taken a lot of real hard knocks; its people sometimes get into a siege mentality, and feel a need to defend the city. Become defenders of the city.

Truth is the city does not need defending; least not from light-hearted banter.

I was once hammered by someone on this very site who said don't critisise my city; simply because I wrote a light-hearted article. That person got banned for making abusive comments which was a pity. Critically they did not ask/understanding that Liverpool was my city too, and I was merely pointing out the good and the bad (the true picture via satire).

I also saw one person pulled off a poetry stage/night very abruptly in Liverpool. I know the reason that happened was because they supposedly offended the compare's sensibilities concerning Liverpool girls as mentioned in a poem Welsh poem. It was a terrible thing to see- not acceptable.

Free speech is key to poetry, without it, it is severely limited. Besides Wigan, Liverpool, London, Bognor Regis, etc, they'll all still be standing afterward as will the people- just fine banter or no banter.

My Best


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Cate Greenlees

Wed 5th Oct 2011 14:20

Ive seen this performed several times Isobel and it never fails to make me laugh! Its not only funny but very very clever in its composition and rhyming patterns.
I have many Liverpool and Skemersdale friends and without exception their wicked sense of humour and warmth of character enable them to be able to take a poke at themselves {so to speak} without taking the knock!!
Good job you put it up now cos with Gadaffis head being somewhat out of the picture your gonna have to change that line!!
Cate xx

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Greg Freeman

Tue 4th Oct 2011 23:02

Tour de force, this, Isobel. I got a bit lost somewhere up the M6, but then, as a bloody southerner, I would.
PS I used to know a Scouser who went to uni with Harry Enfield in York. He bore a remarkable physical resemblance to those three characters on the wall.

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Tue 4th Oct 2011 22:29

I suppose we all have a different sense of humour. A posh lady called Joy comes to the Tudor and regularly takes the piss out of Wiganers and we all laugh and woop it up. Her poems are witty and well thought out and Wiganers don't take themselves too seriously, much like many scousers I've met :)

As an aside, one of the funniest sketches I've seen was about Yorkshire Airlines - I must send it to John Coopey - the stewardesses splatted everyone with mushy peas and it only flew as far as Yorkshire... Alas Smith and Jones were also brilliant when they did that sketch taking the piss out of Northerners hating Southerners...

I think that if comedy gets too safe and too pc, it ceases to be funny.

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Dave Carr

Tue 4th Oct 2011 21:23

You're not fooling anyone - About time you posted that. Excellent!
I once knew a lady called Lydia....

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Tue 4th Oct 2011 08:45

Now you mention it, Skem is full of scousers and at the foot of the M58. Darn it - it's also riddled with B roads...

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Dave Bradley

Tue 4th Oct 2011 05:40

Very clever - it was brilliant performed and works very well on the page too.

However (in outraged Liverpool defence mode)

can we blame Skem?

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Charlotte Henson

Mon 3rd Oct 2011 14:32

ahh the meter makes me happy <3

what makes me even happier is the blame being on Liverpool. Mancunian to the end.

and i agree, i saw the title on the blog list and thought "chlamydia? it's actually a pretty word."

but then anything ending "-mydia" is pretty. shame about the definition.

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Ray Miller

Mon 3rd Oct 2011 13:17

Terrific, Isobel. It's great to read something clever and funny. The Underground and Tube line is first class. The whole thing is brilliant and deserves a big clap.

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John Coopey

Mon 3rd Oct 2011 12:53

No-one seems to have noticed the disciplined and faithful iambic tetrameters. (Probably too busy scratching themselves).
(But I did - notice, I mean; not scratch).

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John Coopey

Sun 2nd Oct 2011 23:22

I understodd all the stuff about cricket. It's the genital geography I don't know my way around.

<Deleted User> (6315)

Sun 2nd Oct 2011 23:20

Oh Isobel!!.... :)

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Sun 2nd Oct 2011 22:01

Darn it - can't I get anything right? Lol - I was hoping you might like all the Yorkshire bits - I had to do a bit of research for all those cricket terms! xx

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John Coopey

Sun 2nd Oct 2011 21:58

Isobel - you titled it Chamydia.
Was this a slip of the tongue?
Very good! Luvverly rhymes like "riddya".

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