Nothing touches me,

that connection I ache for

never more than fleeting

never close.

Always something there – stopping it.

It's them?

It’s me?

It’s something..

Dark, insecure, stubborn.

                Oh, so infinitely stubborn.

And I’m stuck here

                Always.

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Pleasantries

nodding

feigning interest

eye contact.

What are they thinking? 

Look away.

The conversation - such that it is, slows…

eye contact again

a general inquiry as to some bullshit that I also do not care about.

Off it goes again

I’m not listening again

thinking about other things, 

anything.

Why don’t I care enough to listen?

Because they are the sa...

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Subtle and beguiling 

transporting me to places.

Sensual 

the journey is instant.

Profound

addictive

always.

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A seed falls.

It lands, barely audible

it falls from a tree, a 50 year old tree

50 summers

50 winters

50 times around the sun.

Rain and Wind.

Its roots working their way through the soil

spreading

         growing

     anchoring

            for 50 years.

To create a seed to fall one day

to be heard.

That moment.

Unique

And I was there.

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The place I go to

it’s always there

as real as it can be

its real to me.

Somewhere near but a map will never show

It’s a house

a pond beside

and trees large and green

a winding path

a shady porch.

Not in a town but nearby

its quite most of the day.

I'll find it I know

and when I do

it will be my time.

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I woke and there was a beautiful pigeon next to me.

On the bed.

6 feet tall with white feathers

Asleep.

I looked and saw good things,

then fading away but yet remaining

resetting what I see.

As Beauty.

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Empathy and care

A trap.

that burns all

a never ending struggle

No result - No change - No difference

Except to me

that’s the difference

can’t be ignored

can’t be left

Mental illness

more resilient than all the love in the world.

I didn’t know that

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Forgotten how to smile

forgotten how to react

how to engage

Its insidious

Its life...

Why is it life?

It’s not life

Its how I choose to live

self-preservation

stupid

Learn to smile again

I smiled in Spain

even when I was in so much pain

It needn’t be so far removed from day to day life

Remember that.

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If I feel it,

it's real.

If I taste it,

it's real.

If I love it,

it's real.

When I lose it - it's more real.

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Wake and feel,

wake and breathe..

Foggy thoughts..

Where?                What?           Is it?             

Arrrrrrh….

Don’t endure this – it’s a waste.  Live - try to live.

Possible,

move a little

move a little more.

Now.

And Again.

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Walking to the station lost in thoughts.

A useless collection of ideas and emotions swirl around me,

and I gradually tune out even those.

Leaving a vague existence between aware and asleep.

Time and life drift by and it’s a comfortable place.

Easy

Lazy

Safe

Too Easy.

Arriving at a destination without knowing anything of the time in-between.

That time.  Gone.

W...

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Walking

The world around me is how it used to be:

Fresh, alive, peaceful, welcoming.

Alone but not alone,

I’m part of this world again,

not fighting it

not worrying.

Not competing and being judged.

A modest meal awaits,

with good wine,

a shower

A bed.

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I’m renting,

No, I rent

Yes, I’m actually renting..

No, no, no, not looking to buy.

I don’t have rich parents

Yes, I should buy..

And how about you?

Fuck off.

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After the Meseta,

after the heat,

after the stones.

The green hills

the shady paths

the views.

The way is rocky and steep.

Don’t stumble,

keep your balance and

Breathe.

Peace around you.

And then there it is – La Faba.

I have arrived

And part of me will never leave.

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The walking

The peace

And You.

Just you, in a foreign land.

Remembering what its like to be you.

No agendas No pressure

No deadlines.

Time only matters when you are leaving in the morning and when you need to sleep.

The walking

Seeing things and feeling again.

Around you no-one is rich or poor,

everyone has a story and a reason to be there

to be shared and reco...

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News

TV, radio, online:

House prices

House prices

House prices

House prices

House prices

House prices

But..

Unsustainable, Downturn, The bubble, will burst!

Never remotely happens,

avoid these stories

Scroll past, scroll, scroll

Faster!

Turn it off,

Ignore, but there it is again.

House prices

House prices.

And the uncomfortable feeling remains

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           Messages Lost

1

As the world slides by on old steel rails.
And your seat reminds you it’s too hard.
And thoughts wander, breathing slows.
Everything is fine.

But it’s broken.
A deafened sound.
Emotions and frustrations.

Bursting, breaking, bolting in all directions.
Unprovoked.
Unexpected.
Nearby.

Unwelcome.

Words mashed as one.
Protesting innocence and injust...

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I walked and thought.  I walked and thought some more.

Feeling alive in a foreign land. The sound of my feet.

My breathing, faster on hills.

The comfort of my pack hugging me.

Water for the day.

My body adapting to the daily routine.

Every day my pack a little lighter, my walking more relaxed and fluid. Calmness and contentment grow.

As it...

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