You ask how I am
and I say ‘fine’
I ask how you’re doing
and you say ‘well’
then we cling to the threads
of other people’s lives
on opposite sides
of a room
much smaller
for the clouds now moving in
and though we never broached the weather
I think it’s going to rain
tonight.
Isobel,
yOUR REASON FOR KEEPING IT AS IS ARE
SOUND.
Another new one! On a roooolllll!
Clever, succinct, very different from previous form. Good poem - enjoyed.
Took me years of self-tuition to learn small talk, as it goes. Couldn't understand how people opened their mouths and said...nothing.
for the clouds now moving in - I'd have preferred summat clearer, simpler
now the clouds are moving in
I liked the poem, nice title.
Isobel, you know what I would say. Don't change it.
As for paring it there is some fat but in the hesitant atmosphere of the situation here, one can often overuse words in a nervous sort of way, ergo leave the fat in.
I like this style for you.
best wishes, Graham.
Thank you Harry - your suggestions work well also.
I wanted to stick with 'on opposite sides' cos I think it infers better the deliberate positioning one might make to avoid an awkward social situation - also the gulf that can open up between two people.
You've put your finger on the one part of the poem I agonised over - the positioning of that 'now' :) I can hear what you are saying but I'm starting to wonder if the poem is not just stronger taking the word out - I suppose the now is implicit and it does ruin the flow a bit. Oh the agonies of poetry - a lot of people would think this a simple poem - but I did spend some time thinking about it LOL.
Isobel,
Excellent example of less saying more with delicate restraint...and what a perfect ending.
It`s so good I`m tempted: (lines 7,8,9,10...)
What if they read:
from opposite sides
of a room
now much smaller
for the clouds moving in
But I suggest very hesitantly
(I agree, it`s not your usual style)
darren thomas
Mon 5th Nov 2012 17:11
An obvious change in style from this to, say... Chlamydia?
I enjoy poetry like this. You leave enough room for a reader.
Hi Isobel, really enjoyed this. Conveys so much without actually saying it out loud. Thanks for sharing. T.
The most important words in this poem are those you so eloquently don't use. :)
Regards,
A.E. x
Beautifully said - love it - completely : )
This is a fine poem, Isobel, that says a hell of a lot in just a few lines. That thing about the weather is clever, too.
Thanks for your comments everyone.
Yes Chris, I could probably have made it sparser and made a neater point about small talk. I don't think I could have made it sparser and also got across the mood and mental images I wanted to create though.
Cathy's comment says it all for me, in not many words - huge small talk. :)
I was surprised by the relative sparseness of the language. Sparse-ish short-ish, neat, implied yet accessible.
Good to confound expectations with differing styles now and then. Far more interesting than a certain red wheelbarrow imo.
Could the poem be tighter, truly sparse and still retain its essence? I think it could, with some work. But either way - Enjoyable -
Best
Chris
It reminds me of the final verse of Bob Dylan's Desolation Row.
"Yes, I received your letter yesterday
About the time that the door-knob
broke
Then you ask me how I'm doing,
Is that some kind of joke?"
It's what Paul Simon called "The Dangling Conversation".
steve mellor
Sun 4th Nov 2012 11:31
'Like' is probably the wrong word, but I do find it a painfully accurate reflection of the lives of many people.
How does one get past the minutae, into a more meaningful discussion/relationship?
Who takes the first step, or are both sides of the conversation culpable?
Huge small talk x
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Ged Thompson
Sun 23rd Dec 2012 01:59
I love you and your poem XXXXX