And I wonder how a woman
prepares a child for war
packs pants, rolls socks
fills a kit bag full enough…
waves from a platform
to one face within a sea
feeds every fading feature
to memory
for you would be the first to fall
lumbering to no-man’s land
too hard on heel
to feel the shift in sand
the whispering shell
that final wake-up call
wide eyed, stultified
finding the bullets you never fired
like the words you never found
blood bound to bitten lip
eyes fixed
forever on the dawn
It rocks, Is.
extremely moving...great to hear it at the Tudor. Top title too,says a lot x
Sorry it's taken me so long to comment on this - I saw it, meant to, then got busy with other stuff.
Anyhoooo - what a wonderful poem. Nice to see a new piece from you Is. Totally agree re performance making all the difference, but I can't fault the rhythm in here.
Miss, Missy, Mademoiselle, Ms. Madame,
Petite Emmerdeuse Préférée, La Reine de Tout, Professor…
In response to your question – je ne sais pas. We have discussed this before. Feel free to deposit gumpf via e-mail if you prefer ; )
xx
Yes - it probably comes down to how you read it. I'm more of a performance poet - how you read a line makes a huge difference to the sound. You can't control how people read a poem though. A few extra lines would also probably have reinforced the visual image - I think I was running out of steam though.
When are you going to get your profile re-instated Mrs? I could have written all this gumf on your profile x
For this week we only have a 4 hour time difference!
(random observation - I know!)
The more I read it (and because I know what you want to say - the image you are projecting) - the more I am fine with it now - I just had to really strive to visualise...
xx
Sorry Francine - I misunderstood you. I'm glad for anyone to state what they think honestly on my poems. If I agree and it's something that's also bothered me I sometimes try to change things - it depends on how much the poem means to me. I didn't spend a lot of time writing the last two lines. There are probably better ways of expressing the vision I had in my mind. I think you reach a point in a poem when you've had enough of looking at it though and you just want to move on.
I'm very grateful for all feedback positive and otherwise. Good critique can really help improve a poem - just a few tweeks - a few small words can make such a huge difference to the whole.
As always, Isobel, I understood what you meant - I think it was the way those three lines that I pointed out were worded for me.
As with anything, we all interpret things differently and have our own opinions. I was just stating mine quite honestly.
Excellent mother`s poem Isobel.
Very impressive final stanza.
Great work Isobel. Never try to explain too much. Leave the interpretation to others. Don't be too long coming back again. Graham
Thanks everyone - there can be no higher praise than having a quote from Billy Collins used in conjunction with positive critique :)
Francine, you've picked up on a valid point. As Anthony mentioned earlier, I've used imagery that suits dual purpose. The dawn might seem like an unusual ending but it kind of ties in with the idea of dawning - as in coming to the realisation of something.
It's well documented that boys dying on the battlefield often did so calling out for their mothers. I tried to imagine a scenario where a child might express feelings that they'd held back - come to some kind of final realisation. I hope it works for you with that interpretation.
I love the images this evokes. The second verse conveys what you wanted to say so much better now.
Having trouble with the ending though - love the last two lines, just not sure how they fit in with these...
'finding the bullets you never fired
like the words you never found
blood bound to bitten lip'
darren thomas
Sun 28th Oct 2012 15:11
"Stepping from the title (of a poem) to the first lines is like stepping into a canoe. A lot of things can go wrong.” Billy Collins.
not in this case.
Very clever and apt metaphorical title, which moves seamlessly into the poem itself. Some subtly made, almost subconscious connections between words - "waves " and "sea" for instance. The imagery is potent throughout; the intimate detais of a mother packing a son's everyday items - imbued with love and foreboding. The palpable sense of both fear and impending loss, the inconclusive emptiness of the closure . . . I could continue (but I won't - that's enough plaudits for one poem - you'll get too cocky!)
Excellent well crafted work.
(Incidentally, I could have given you first-hand technical advice on the title's premise!)
Regards,
A.E. x :)
It's great.
Tis done - I've altered the second verse. I may yet add to it - cos I don't think it says enough.
Yes Ann - I think some boys are more equipped for war than others. In some senses we send a child to war as soon as they leave for independent life.
Thank you everyone - it's the first thing I've written in a long time so I'm happy people like it.
tony sheridan
Sun 28th Oct 2012 08:01
Beautiful and moving. Take care, Tony.
Wonderful poem Isobel. Made me think of my son - he'd be the first to fall I'm sure - thank god he doesn't have to! I don't think I could bear to see him going off to war. Really powerful poem. (The platform line did jar - that's the only thing to detract from it for me.) xx
Superb title, superb poem. Win x
Agree this is wonderfully executed...
I think the 1st and 3rd verses are excellent.
for you would be the first to fall - great line, I can hear many a Mom saying that.
These are the weak lines, I think.
amid the tumult
of her platform
trying to be more
Maybe you could employ some echo of the full enough kit bag in the mother's eyes or heart.
...and I like the opening.
... Excellent Poem ...
Powerful and moving poem of maternal love, Isobel. I particularly liked the third stanza ... "lumbering to no-man's land" ... "the shift in sand" ... "that final wake-up call". Wasn't sure about the line "trying to be more" ...?
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Isobel
Wed 12th Jun 2013 20:07
Thank you Ruby (let's hope you still look in) Alex and Julian - I'm touched this poem still speaks to people.
When we send out children out into the world, it's rather like sending them to war - I think that's partly what inspired the poem - that and an empathy for every woman who ever lost a child.
Thanks again for reading. x