Some years ago, I realised

I am the driver of my life

And so I chose light

 

It was a difficult decision

More difficult than it sounds

It’s hard to know what it is to see

When there’s no darkness around

It’s easy to equate pain with feeling

To attach pain to being 

And so I never ran from the dark

I marched towards it

Let it smoke my heart

Instead, it was always a part 

Of me

And I didn’t try to cut free 

I found purpose in flames 

Walking in their light

That’s the same as finding light, right?

I burned alive 

I tore like flames through life

I swallowed people whole

Didn’t need to be right 

I saw great meaning in great strife 

I welcome visions with open arms

Summoning a vortex of demons & dead

Couldn’t sleep through nightmares

They watched me at night

As I slept in bed

They watched in day

Down the path I led

They watched as I bled 

Until fear took over my mind 

Numbness seized my soul

And emotions began to rot

Until I could not identify what

I felt

Or who I was

Could not get giddy 

Or feel the smile 

Savour the zeal

Reap the joy 

I lost touch of what was real

Bar sheer fear

My body begged me to feel

 

Words sound obvious when they’re said

It’s different when they take life in your head

Suddenly they come back like brand new speech 

They speak a new language 

And you go weak 

…The epiphany 

Darkness did not follow me

Nor was it innately part of me

No!

 

I’d had my hand on darkness

Tight on the shoulder 

Travelling through earth

Refusing to drop this boulder 

Walking closely behind 

Obsessed with what I might find

Sacrificing the multitude of my mind

Sacrificing the electric bulb of life 

 

But now I take the wheel

And I drive on a road of light