I want to tell you.

 I want to write it down. 

I want to have the right words.

I want to feel them. I want you to feel them. I want you to feel what I felt. 

I want you to know. About everything. I want to show it to you in broad daylight. 

I want you to see it. I want you to face it. I want you to taste it 

when the water turns to bleach. I want it to blister the inside of your ...

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I always hoped I’d get a seat next to them—

After so many hours in that chair, you look for anything to make you smile.

Most days I came prepared with things to occupy my mind.

I carried a book of Kate Bush’s song lyrics, called How to Be Invisible, which had been nearly ruined once when I spilled an entire canteen of water in the bag I packed to take to the hospital.

Bu...

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From here—

I wish I could capture this moment with my eyes:

A rose-golden mist of salt

shimmering in the glow of the setting sun

falling like stardust into the grey-green seams

of water, pulled tightly over by the crest of a broken wave

She could devour me in an instant with 

white-water jaws;

swallow me whole and 

spit me into her dark abyss

But here—

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I made dinner at 10:30 tonight.

Fried Kielbasa, macaroni and cheese, cinnamon applesauce, and 

buttermilk biscuits. It’s what I always eat when I’m missing home. 

I had everything finished and on the table, except for the biscuits.

I never remember to start them ahead of time.

So, I waited— watching them impatiently through the window in the oven door, 

and I could hear...

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“De Temps En Temps,” by Josephine Baker. That’s what I was listening to. Funny now to think I'd ever forget how it felt, something like that. 

Alone and facing my death in a stranger’s beach house, next to a dark, cold, ocean in the dead of Winter.

I ate Dove chocolates and soaked in a warm bath with bubbles to the brim, and listened to “De Temps en Temps,” while lifting a razor to...

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The sound of “Violence”

I can feel it

Heavy-

Weight in

My stomach

Standing on

The ledge, again

Don’t move

Don’t slip

The poison running through

My veins, I feel it

Hurting me, helping me

Smells of

Pink plastic wig

Pretty pink perfume 

Pretty

Make me pretty

Don’t let me

Lose me

Pray to God I don’t

Lose th...

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i am a lucky girl.

just recently i read that

on average

people take around 24,000 breaths 

everyday 

in between words

and laughs 

and running late to their jobs.

today i watched an old

PJ Harvey concert on tv

she was singing and

screaming and

breathing 

all over the place-

it was great

i bet i took a thousand breaths 

just sitting there watchi...

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They come to me when things are still

And leave me without choice to hear

The things I've heard and know too well

Of tired topics,

To be clear

I, myself and just the ears

Without chance to think, or speak

It seems all I do is overhear

Their endless banter of 

Self critique

Seldom, do I have a moment

For myself

Today, for instance 

Was particularly loud

Who...

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I could not reach you

But how I sought to

How desperately I longed

To belong to you

But the walls between us

The ones you built

Stood far too strong

And far too tall

For me to reach

Oh, but how I tried

How relentlessly I cast my bleeding hands 

Against the jagged rocks and stones 

That kept me from you

Lost,

Alone

But how I tried

And I wait...

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Stay with me, I beg you
You’re all that I have left
My safest place
Greatly, I fear
That the more I think of you
The more you will fade from me
Like others that I could not keep 
You are all the spirit I have within me
My intangible dream
Without you
I would know nothing of hope
But
If the light you give 
Should be smothered into smoke
I would not fight the dark
Rather,
I would hav...

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Pick and choose it

Place it

Move it

It's so beautiful- 

Isn't it beautiful?

I spin it and

Twist it

Flip it upside down

This way is better

I like this much better

Pull it

Shape it

Hold it together and 

Tape it 

I can make it

So much better

      This Time

I watch it and 

Play it

Over and over again

No- 

Change it

Arrange it

Won't ...

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today I saw the sun
for the first time in 
a long time
a cheerful ray brushed itself
against my cheek and
under my chin
as if to lift my head for my eyes to see 
the world lit up
and for the first time in a long time
it made me smile

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