Poetry Blog by hugh

Dead

There was young man called Fred,

Who woke up one morning dead.

He heard a bell ring ,

And the angels did sing.

Thankfully to heaven he was led.

 

Cancelled contract

There was a young man from Colne,

Who spent half his life on the phone.

When he got his last bill,

It made him feel ill.

Lived the rest of his life all alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Cancelled contract

There was young man from Colne,

Who spent half his life on the phone.

When he got his last bill,

It made him feel ill.

Lived the rest of his life all alone.

 

 

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The moody bus driver

The bus driver was in a very bad mood,

And to customers paying with large notes he was extremely rude.

A lady gets on with a baby and pays with a £20 note,

The driver angrily shouts,"You have destroyed my float!

Your baby is the ugliest I have ever seen."

Everyone thought the driver was really mean.

A man she sat next to said,"Go up there and give him a clout,

I'll hold your m...

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Confessions of a husband and wife

Fred was on his deathbed,Jill held his fragile hand.

"Oh please my darling forgive me,I hope you'll understand!"

Jill's sweet voice aroused him from his sleep,

He looked up, pale,tired and began to weep.

"My darling Jill I have a confession to make before I go."

"Hush my love don't talk I think I know."

"No I must tell you now and die in peace,

The guilt in my troubled mind I ...

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A teacher's problems with her pupils.

Tina was a teacher and suffered from stress,

A situation she was keen to redress.

Things got worst when she became cross-eyed,

The headmaster on her progress was disatisfied.

So with the local doctor she was advised to enrol.

Who said ,

"The problem lies with your pupils getting out of control."

 

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Guards on a train are a must

Tears from a 75 year old lady pour,

As her dog's lead gets stuck in the train door.

A step up from the platform made it difficult to get up,

The driver couldn't see due to the track set up.

Her hand got caught in the door but she managed to pull it free,

"I started screaming and banging the door,but there was no guard there for me!"

Dragged to his death through a tunnel attached ...

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Deal with a kiss

Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost.

Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.

Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark.

"Only one kiss per yard ,"smirked the young male clerk.

"Thats fine I'll take ten yards,"said smiling Jill.

And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.

 

 

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Minister of Affairs

There once was a London  mayor,

Who loved to have the occasional affair.

When his wife found out,

She kicked him out.

To become the first new Minister of Affairs.

 

 

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Homeless

There was a young man called Boris,

Who went upstairs with a florist.

The relationship did flower,

But in exactly one hour,

He was thrown out of his house by Doris.

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Diddle,diddle dumpling

Diddle,diddle dumpling my son Fred,

Woke up one morning with a demon in his bed.

She had wings and was ready to fly,

She was warm and beautiful with evil in her eye.

 

She jumped on his head and entered his brain,

She was there to explore and mentally drain.

The goodness in there she physically drank.

The badness she spread as an evil prank.

 

"I need a saviour to hea...

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It wasn't my dog!

I went to a house to show them a car,

It was round the corner it wasn't too far.

We sat on the couch and worked out a deal,

When in walked a dog and sat down to heel.

He moved onto the carpet and got into a squat,

Left a big mound it was quite a lot.

 

Well I was so embarassed I didn't know what to do,

And wondered whether the carpet was always its loo.

The customer igno...

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Demonization,beware !

Demons come and demons go,

They enter the brain when your feeling low.

Spreading evil as the good they shred.

Causing  major panic in your head.

 

If the bad in your head prevails,

Then into the depth of darkness the demon sails.

Magnifying the evil thats embedded there,

Heaving it out in a thunderous scare.

 

Disasters happen when brains are badly demonized,

Lives...

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Doing time

Hickory dickory dock,

The criminal sat in the dock.

The judge did frown,

Sent the criminal down.

Hickory dickory dock.

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Release 0f a jail bird

There was a young woman from Greece,

Overjoyed at her prison release.

With her legs far apart,

Laid ten eggs for a start,

And sold them all to the police.

 

 

Locked up

 

There was a young man from Aviemore,

His job as a locksmith he did adore.

 Broke into a jeweler's shop,

Caught in the act by a passing cop.

And swiftly made a bolt for the door.

 

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An electric shock

There  was a young lady called Meg,

Who sat cross-legged with a cup to beg.

She loved to have fun,

But  sat on a bun.

Then a current ran up her leg.

 

 

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Spider fear

"I am an insect and I live in the grass,

Terrified of being eaten at every blade that I pass.

I look out for spiders,nasty,evil and scary,

With numerous eyes,sharp fangs and feet that are hairy.

Pursued by a spider once I'm lucky to be still alive.

He was distracted by a fly,thankfully I did survive."

 

Spiders inspire fear like few animals will.

Lurking in webs lying ready...

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A shock for Jock

Jane and Jock loved holidaying in Lytham St Anne's,

Of the beach and its beauty they were great fans.

They loved going there on anniversary celebrations,

The views around gave them excitable elations.

 

They decided to go there to celebrate 20 years together

And along the beach one day enjoying the sunny weather,

They came across a secluded spot where once they had made love.

...

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The three wishes

An old lady is rocking in her chair,

Wrinkled skin and snow white hair.

Suddenly a fairy flies through the door,

And grants her three wishes she did adore.

 

"I would like to have a million quid in my Barclays account."

Checking her statement she now had that amount !

"I would wish to be slim and beautiful dressed to kill."

She looked in the mirror saw an image to thrill.

...

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Follow up to a dirty girl

The dirty girl bad and mean,

Not afraid to do what others dream.

The dirty girl wearing tight revealing apparel,

With eyes that suck you in with a double barrel.

"Hold your hands up or I'll shoot,

Look at my body I'm really cute."

Dirty girl a bitch if need be,

With a huge amount of energy.

The dirty girl with no name,

Will do anything ,no shame.

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Alcoholic Aid,but unfortunately a wee rejection

A charity worker knocked on Debbie Hicks' door,

He knew her as he had called there before.

"Hello I'm collecting for the home for  alcoholics,

Can you donate anything to help Mrs. Hicks?"

 

"Of course I can ,I'm always ready to give you a helping hand,

If you come back after closing time you can have my husband."

After closing time the charity worker collected him.

Asked,"H...

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mildred

In an American hospital people were always dying in the same bed.

On Sunday morning regardless of their medical  condition they were found dead.

This puzzled the doctors and produced quite a scare.

It happened in the intensive care unit,recovery was rare.

The unexplained deaths occurred around 9 o'clock,

A worldwide team of experts were called in to observe round the clock.

On Su...

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An examination twist

"To see the doctor on our own we can't,"

Said an attractive young girl chaperoned by her aunt.

"We have come for an examination," said the girl on their arrival.

"Good ,"said the doctor."Regular medical checks are good for survival."

"Get behind the curtain and strip," he said.

The situation the doctor had grossly misred!

"Its not for me ,"the young girl did shout."

Turning to...

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A bill con

Bill was at ASDA  in a queue at the check-out,

He had noticed an elderly lady had been following him about.

She was before him now in the queue,

Her trolley full of items for the check-out to view.

"Excuse me "she said, "You look exactly like my son,

I have never seen anyone like him,you are the only one!

He passed away lately I am sad to say,

As I leave would you call out,Goo...

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A catastrophy

Fred  normally did his shopping on line,

But this week he needed to view the beer and the wine.

So he walked down to ASDA ,but dogs aren't allowed.

He tied up his rottweiler away from the crowd.

But as he approached the check-out pushing his trolley,

He was approached by a lady who said,"I'm really sorry,

I think my little kitten has killed your dog!"

"That's impossible," said...

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Anya

Anya is definitely the poet to watch,

Her writing's unique never a botch.

Her poems are varied her topics are great.

We don't know what's coming , we leave it to fate. 

Fate is in her hands and her imaginative brain,

Keep different things coming, please don't refrain.

 

Keep on composing and filling us with joy.

 A compendium of poems which we thoroughly enjoy.

 

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Dolly folly

Polly had just finished a difficult task,

Which prompted her teacher to ask.

"Why are you crying Polly?"

"Because Wendy has broken my dolly."

"How did she do it ,that's quite bad?"

"I hit her over the head with it really hard."

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A wee error

An elderly  Minister of a certain religion went to see his doc.

The doc was quite intrigued as to what was written on his sock.

"I love my God with all my heart,

He's always looked after me from the very start."

"What is the significance of what is written?"

Asked the doc",The words have got me truly smitten "

"I go to the bathroom and He turns on the light,

And when I have fi...

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the smile on your face

A smile is warm without the heat,

Comes from the heart,difficult to beat.

A smile brings us together whether its yours or mine,

Never mind whats happening your smile will shine.

 

A smile through stress is very strong.

Puts things right when things go wrong.

A smile is strange wrinkles up your face,

And vanishes quickly into a secret hiding place.

 

If you feel a smil...

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So many ANTS!

Two ANTS loved their food and met at a restaurANT.

It was an expensive place to eat,they were extravagANT.

 

The couple were in love and full of hope ,

They ran away together stayed at the ANTelope

 

One of the pair was good at maths and became an accountANT,

The other became a model ,she was elegANT.

 

If either was criticised they were defiANT,

They were both very f...

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A satisfaction nightmare

Keith and Olivia were lying in bed one windy night,

Keith wanted to sleep and turned off the light.

"Do you remember in bed how you used to hold my hand?"

Immediately his hand on her hand did land.

 

Keith attempted to go back to sleep.

"Then you used to kiss me," she did weep.

Keith hovered above her and kissed her on her cheek.

"Please let me go now to sleep,not slept wel...

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I made a mistake

Jim rang the police to report items missing in his car.

"The steering wheel ,the stereo,the accelerator are missing so far.

I don't know how they did it I was only away for an hour."

But suddenly what really happened began to flower.

He rang the police back feeling quite ashamed,

"Not one of the items have been stolen that I have named,

Please don't bother  to come out officer an...

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4-letter words!

Molly had led a sheltered life ,her dad was a vicar.

Lou was one of seven ,a family who loved their liquor

Molly against sound advice moved in with her friend Lou.

But Lou started using 4-lettered words she was not used to.

"They're 4-lettered words mum, I haven't heard before.

Please,please come and get me I can't take anymore!

Please,please mum!! Pick me up you must.

They ar...

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Shell sequel

The shell is a hard protective layer created by an animal that lives in the sea.

The animal inside has died and has been eaten up by another animal for his tea.

 

Waiting for the end to come...but the end was happy.

 

The shell was picked up by a sailor from Quebeck,

Who  made Anya a  necklace out of it  to hang round her neck.

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No wind in the Willows !

Linda wasn't happy in her old people's home,

So her family transferred her from Frimley to Frome.

The nurses at The Willows,her new home, were kind and  alert,

But were concerned at times that she might get hurt.

She seemed to lean over sideways on her chair.

Two nurses caught her straightened her,here they did care.

After a while she starts leaning to the other side.

To keep ...

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The transfer of pain machine

To the delivery ward of the hospital a couple were sent .

They were asked to sign a transfer of pain agreement.

The doctor had invented a transfer of pain machine transmitting a portion of the pain to the dad.

To participate,since it was obviously reducing her pain,the husband was glad.

20 percent pain transfer was set,the effect was difficult to tell.

The contributing husband conti...

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Its fly day, the tenth of August

God in heaven made the fly,

But never got round to telling us why.

He sent down the spider to catch the fly,

But why oh why did You make the fly?

 

I fly into a house and land on some bread,

Spreading my germs while getting well fed.

I crawl on the wall watching the world go by,

Looking out for preditors so I don't die.

Suddenly into a spider's web I did fall,

Entangl...

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A sad wish

A couple in their early  60's were celebrating 38 years of married bliss.

A fairy appeared and looked upon it as an opportunity she could not  miss.

"As you have been faithful and loving to each other for so many years I will grant you each a wish."

The wife said"To travel round the world on a luxury cruise liner would be delish"

The fairy waved her magic wand and two tickets to travel...

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A tragedy in Jerusalem

A heavily nagged husband was on holiday in Jerusalem for a week or two,

His wife loved going there on their holidays ,she was a Jew.

Unfortunately while they were there she sadly passed away.

An undertaker contacted him and said there were two ways to pay.

"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for 700 quid,

Or you can have her shipped home for 1400."That's what he did.

T...

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It started with a sneeze

Jack was sat on the train comfortably wearing his new M.S.kegs.

Admiring a gorgeous,curvaceous,blonde crossing her legs.

He had been eying her up since he had sat down.

She was slim,perfectly dressed suntanned and brown.

 

Suddenly her glass eye with a sneeze comes out of its socket towards Jack,

He reaches out and grabs it and quickly  hands it back.

"Oh I am so sorry ,"she s...

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Don't drink and drive!

Three blokes on a night out were drinking more and more,

One of them passes out and lands  flat on the floor.

One of the others goes to the bar to buy the next round,

"What's he having?"asks the landlord pointing to the bloke on the  ground.

"I'd better not let him have any more to drink,

He'll be driving us  home later I think."

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Football crazy

A wife was having an affair with the t.v. repair man.

She complained,"Dan watches football whenever he can,

Thats why we have got the biggest t.v. in the street,.

Quick hide behind it I can hear his feet!"

So the lover hid behind it while Dan sat in his arm chair.

He got hot and uncomfortable until the heat he could not bear.

And walked passed Dan and his wife with a nervous coug...

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A little bit of flirt

She was slim and smart with plenty of charm,

Chatty and friendly,confident and calm.

She'd come to see me to plant a seed.

By the end of the meeting I was her dog on a lead.

 

She crossed her legs and was a little bit of a flirt,

She did it with her eyes and a very short skirt.

She signed me up for a caravan and a car,

No swear words or smoke from a cigar.

No footie talk...

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It was difficult to digest what had happened

It was difficult to digest what had happened two fields away.

Two cannibals had lit a fire fuelled by two bails of hay.

 

They had enjoyed the best meal they had had in their life.

"A fantastic roast,"said the first cannibal"made great by your wife."

 

"Your wife certainly makes a great roast."

"She certainly does,I can't help but boast."

 

"Yeh " but with sadness in his...

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"White" said Fred

Fred had a stain on his new white sweater.

"Wong's laundry," for removing stains,there was no-one better.

Wong tried his best to remove the stain ,

But gave up in the end ,his efforts were in vain.

Wong called his brother asked him to try.

But his brother too could not remove the dye.

Permanently stained and never to be white,

The moral,"Two Wongs will never make a white."

...

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Read the lids

Jack came home from work noticing his dad was avoiding his grandson.

"You normally love entertaining him and having loads of fun."

"Well I've just been to the doctor's and I am only doing what I was told"

"The reason I am avoiding him I will sadly unfold."

The old man showed his son what was on the lids.

Take two pills a day.KEEP AWAY FROM THE KIDS.

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No milk to drink

The doctor's next patient was a woman and a baby called Kate.

After examining the baby he was concerned about her weight.

He asked ,"Is the baby breast-fed or bottle-fed?"

The woman replied,"Breast-fed."

The doctor ordered the woman to strip and relax for a test,

And then proceeded to knead and pinch each breast.

"The reason she is hungry ,the fact you have no milk is to blame."

...

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How to console a poor cook after a catastrophy

Jim had been married to Jane for forty years,

He came home from work one evening and found her in floods of tears.

As a cook she was never a winner.

"It's a disaster",she cried"the cat's eaten your dinner!"

Comforting her Jim said, "Don't worry about that,

Tomorrow my darling I'll get you a new cat."

 

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Fury as frail 100 year old pensioner dies

Violence on our streets hits a new low,

How safe is it for us on them  to go?

Our police force has surrendered control of our streets nationwide,

Due to CONSERVATIVE CUTS wherever we reside.

In Derby a 100 year old fatal mugging  is another moment of shame,

Fewer police patrolling our pavements is definitely to blame.

The lady was approached from behind,

Knocked over by a brut...

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Retirement

Zulu was a zebra just retired from Chester Zoo.

Went to live on a farm,the experience was quite new.

She came across a big fat wierd thing,supposedly a cow,

Who had filled a bucket full of milk and was making quite a row.

She then saw this strange white thing who had just laid an egg.

"Hello I'm a friendly chicken and my name is Peg."

Zulu was soon settled and the farm she did pr...

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Daft Donald

A traffic cop stopped Donald going through three red lights.

"I'm colour blind,"he said," read me my rights."

"In addition you were exceeding the speed limit by 30 mile."

"I always drive fast,"Donald remarked with a smile.

His wife sat in the back,she was a bit of a minx

"Pay no attention to him,he's had a few drinks."

"Breathe into this bag,oh no one thirty five!

It really do...

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