Poetry Blog by hugh

Tags from last 12 months

Fully recovered

Joe worked in a factory operating an upholestery machine,

One day he fell into the machine,paramedics rushed to the scene.

Fortunately the machine stopped,how they didn't know.

And to the amazement of everyone ,Joe's fully recovered now.

 

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A bill shock at the dentist

Jill went to the dentist and got a big bill, 

"That's three times what you normally charge !"said Jill.

"Yes it was three times more than normal to be fair,

But you screamed so loud you gave two patients a scare.

They both ran away to avoid an extraction,

To charge three times more I had to take action."

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A mean dad !

My daughter was looking through a catalogue and saw an expensive coat,

On the page she wantingly   did gloat.

"I must have that,I just love the fur."

So I cut it out and gave it to her.

 

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It's over ! Roy's regret

He saw her giving him the once over,

She looked at him once,it was all over.

She said she was seeing another man,

Roy took her to the opticians in his van.

 

"I don't know what went wrong between me and her,

Or "Tubby "as I often lovingly did refer."

Roy a recovering alchoholic went through hell,

She took the bottle opener with her as well.

 

It broke Roy's heart in t...

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Jane's hunt for a tall man fell short

Josh was in a supermarket shopping by himself,

Josh was very short couldn't reach a top shelf.

Jane was full of compassion loved helping people out,

She was tall and agile sorted Josh's shopping out.

 

Josh as a thankful gesture treated Jane to a meal,

Their love for one another both began to feel.

Jane  had hankerred for a man the same size as her,

But Jane was out of luck...

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Divorce !!

Fred got told he'd won a million one day,

He asked his wife if she wanted new clothes to go away.

"No I want a divorce !"she said.

"No way,I don't want to spend that much !"said Fred.

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Claire and her husband Jim were alcoholics

Jim was an alcoholic,to give up drinking there was not much hope.

Claire his wife was at her wits end could not cope.

She visited her doctor to be advised as to her best course,

Doctor said she could no longer  touch anything alcoholic,so she got a divorce.

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My husband !!!

"To the wedding I was forcefully carried,

By my husband, to be unhappily married.

Where the longest sentence was passed by you.

When you looked into my eyes and I said,"I do."

 

I could do anything I wanted before I met him,

Take my dog for a walk,spend time at the gym.

My husband's temper was like living next to a storm,

It went on for so long it became the norm.

 

T...

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a co

A wife's atticulating plea

"Can my mother come down for the weekend?"said Eddie's other half.

"Please,please Eddie ,I beg of you on her behalf!"

"Why should she come down ?"asked Eddie.

"Well she's been up in the attic for a week already !"

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Big head !!!

"I must admit I have my faults like all men,

But being wrong isn't one of them.

I was once asked if I had learnt from my mistakes in life,

What mistakes?The positives in my brain run rife.

 

I've loved life I was always a brilliant narrator,

I was a self made man who loved my creator.

Life for me has been a delightful dance,

To love myself has been a life long romance.

 

...

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Gran behaving badly

"While in hospital delivering a baby from my tum,

At home my boyfriend packed his case and ran away with my mum.

The randy gran of eight ran away with my mate,

To live in a flat in Margate.

 

My mum should have fallen in love with my new arrival,

Instead she ran away with HIM for a sexual revival !

My mum promised to help me with my childcare,

But sadly she is no longer the...

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From horse to mouse !

Roy loved animals,was a compassionate young lad,

But his dad wouldn't let him have one ,quite sad.

He yearned for a kitten,thought one would be fun,

But his dad definitely wouldn't let him have one.

 

One day on a walk with his dad,Roy saw a horse in a field,

"Please dad may I have a horse?"he knew his dad wouldn't yield.

"No Roy that would be to big for our house."

Dad gav...

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A door to door hearing aid salesman

George was made redundant due to to the pandemic.

But there were not many jobs available  for an academic.

He took up a job as a door to door salesman selling a hearing aid,

On a commision only basis he would be paid.

Unfortunately he is not doing the job anymore,

Prospective customers couldn't hear  him when he knocked on their door.

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An act of kindness by a food bank worker

Jim was at the supermarket and did a good deed,

A little old lady in front of him was in need.

Her credit card was declined at the check out,

To put back her purchases,Jim helped out.

Her trolley was full to the brim,

But put back on the shelves  by Jim.

 

The old lady sat and sobbed outside on a seat,

But good fortune from a food bank worker she was to meet.

The food ba...

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Valentine's day

Ray says to Kay,"I hope you have a date for Valentine's day !"

"Yes February the 14th,"Kay says to Ray.

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A dental treat

A monster was worried about going to the dentist,he had toothache.

His mum said,"Don't be such a whimp for God sake ,

Get the offending tooth taken out I insist !"

He  went ,it was an appointment he wouldn't have missed.

Monster was overjoyed and was looking forward to  a treat,

With his tooth taken out,the dentist he did eat.

 

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A change of plan

Emilly and Fred had just got wed,

"Let's honeymoon in Southport ,"said Fred.

On the way Fred put his hand on Emilly's knee,

"We're wed now ,we can go further,"said Emilly.

"That's great my love,here we go ! "said Fred,

And they honeymooned in Glasgow instead.

 

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A musical and religious revolution

I was brought up in Scotland was one of the boys,

Learnt to play the bagpipes,didn't like the noise.

Went for long walks ,left behind what I played.

My audience were left disappointed and dismayed !

 

I gave up my bagpipes and joined a choir,

To sing to a congregation  had always  been my desire.

I sang to my congregation in Kilmarnock on Sunday,

To change their religion,th...

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Female brains !

Seven brothers were visiting their elderly aunt who was in care,

The nurse entered the room,she had sad news to bear.

"I am soo sorry there is not much hope for your aunt,

She is seriously in need of a brain transplant.

The good news is that the operation would be free,

But for the actual brain there is a fee.

The cost of a man's brain is 5000 quid,

The female brain 500,flown ...

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Homeless in the rain. Help !!!

When winter comes I dread the rain,

Finding shelter and staying dry's such a pain.

I dread the dark clouds in the sky,

It's such a trauma getting dry

 

Pneumonia and tuberculosis I dread to meet,

The main killers of us who live on the street.

I search for hot air vents to dry out,

My socks are soaking ,hear me shout.

 

Trench foot ,due to damp footwear, we homeless su...

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A Stabademic hits London this weekend !!

Her son to a supermarket had left,

What happened next left a mother bereft.

After her son had not arrived home,she tried to contact him,

The police arrived at her door,the news was grim.

 

He had died ,stabbed with another lad,

No gang related connections neither lad had.

One highly educated with an university degree,

The other in intensive care fighting to be free.

 

...

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Varying views on ageing

People as they age have different views,

Some smoke and drink and their bodies abuse.

Some don't exercise and get much fatter,

Early on in  life their ashes families scatter.

 

Some put on weight and have trouble tying their laces,

When their broad minds and narrow waists change places.

Age is a battle of mind over matter,

If you don't mind ,it doesn't matter.

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An apple puzzle that might appeal

It took 6 kids 6 hours  to eat all the apples on a tree,

How long would it take 3 kids,please tell me ?

 

Well,the 3 kids thought they would have a ball,

But were disappointed,

The 6 kids had already eaten them all.

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A saucy regret

Jake loved going out drinking with his mates,

But some of the silly things he did while out,he hates.

Into a restaurant one night they went for a bite,

Rubbing ketchup into his eyes he did regret,with Heinz sight.

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Please don't feed the horses !

Lockdown has been a tough time for everyone,

But horse owners are not having much fun.

Extra walkers out and about,

Feeling the need  to feed a horse that's out.

 

When you see one looking at you in a field,

Don't let your animal compassion yield.

They may look at you as if in need,

But please please,don't feed.

 

Equine metabolic syndrome horse owners dread,

Feedi...

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Thank you, Captain Sir Tom Moore

You were outstanding in every single way,

Your loving smile brightened up our day.

You brought us together when our lives were rotten,

Captain Sir Tom Moore,you will never be forgotten.

 

You injected us with hope and optimism in difficult times,

A light has gone out in the world ,but in our memory shines.

A hero who inspired us in despair,

A life well lived ,for us you wer...

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The Blackburn Cathedral mass jab centre

"Cold tired and distressed they did wait,

Shivering outside  in the cold for their jab fate.

My 74 year old husband waited two hours for his prize,

He was frozen and shaking with tears in his eyes.

 

Some were in wheelchairs waiting in the freezing cold,

Not a healthy situation for a 70 to 80 year old.

The vaccination service in the Cathedral has been set up at a pace,

The ...

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Underlying health issues

George was diagnosed with cancer three years ago,

Monthly treatments had kept the symptoms low.

He was told he would survive another ten years.

But the covid pandemic severely hightened his fears.

 

He was told that if he catches covid,his cancer treatment would stop,

As a consequence into his coffin George sadly did pop.

In his case his cause of death was covid not cancer,

...

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News update

Police are investigating dog thefts in Read,

No arrests made yet,but police are following a lead.

 

A man fell into a tank of beer in Southend,

Sadly   he has come to a bitter end.

 

A man jumped into a river in France called Wayne,

Newly released from a mental institution,was in Seine.

 

A large hole has appeared in a nudist camp in Newmarket,

Police are looking into...

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My first twenty years

Stuck and growing in my mum's belly things were dark.

On my life's path I started to make my mark.

Cells developed in my brain as I dropped into a colourful world,

With my eyes ,an extension to my brain ,many curious images unfurled.

 

My brain cells were learning ,everything was new,

Learning how to  walk,strategically I did do.

Connection between brain and feet at first was ...

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A footballer's regret

I was jumped on and hugged by my team,

We were into the final,I'd fulfilled my dream.

But  due to the ball going into the net,

The hugs  of celebration I do regret.

 

I caught the virus and passed it on,

Sadly too heaven my gran has gone.

 

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How to lose weight

Jo was a very mean man,

"I'll save money anyway I can."

To spend money at weight watchers ,he couldn't bare.

Went to the paint shop,heard you could get thinner there.

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The warmth of a song

A party of school children were in the North Pole.

The cold weather on their bus driver had taken it's toll.

He started shivering as he drove them along,

To warm him up the children burst into song.

"Freeze a jolly good fellow,freeze a jolly good fellow,

Freeze a jolly good fellow,and so say all of us."

The driver felt their warmth and drove them on safely in the bus.

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A drive for passion by Blodwen for Boris at 74

Borts enjoys his path to passion at 74,

Resides at 73, jumps over the fence to get next door.

Blodwen is there waiting for him,

Drives him to release his passion at the gym. 

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Old age does not come alone

Tom was getting old but had a good pension pot,

But enjoyed spending all the money he had got.

It came to a point where he couldn't make ends meet,

The ends I refer to are his hands and feet.

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A false call to the police but they were not caught out

Jo dialled 999 in a panic and spoke to a cop.

"There's been a fight at my fish and chip shop !"

Jo was elderly and his brain cells were slightly scattered.

"Two fish by the owner have been seriously battered !"

 

The cop realised there was something fishy going on,

And no cop car to the fish and chip shop had gone.

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There's something fishy going on

Fred goes to the doctor's and sits in a chair,

And worringly says,"Doctor I keep seeing fish everywhere !"

Doctor asks,"Have you seen an optician,tell me ?"

Fred  says,"I've told you once it's fish that  I  always see  !"

 

There's something fishy going on,

To the optician  Fred has now gone,

Hopefully the optician will fish and find out,

How Fred's problem has come  about.

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Time to shine

Jim was brought up on a farm by his dad,

An ambition to move to the city he'd always had.

In the city he got a job as a shoe-shine boy,

His new occupation brought Jim much joy.

 

His dad was sad to see him gone,

But made hay while his son shone.

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Bob was a cut above his fellow pupils at his new school

It was Bob's first day at his new school.

To fill in a questionaire was a new rule.

The first question was, "What is your dad's job ?

"He is a conjuror Miss ,"proudly answers Bob.

 

"What's his favourite trick when he's doing this ?"

"Sawing people in half he loves doing Miss."

"Second question,"Have you any  brothers or sisters ?"

"Yes Miss,one half-brother and two half-si...

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A distressed little lad

A policeman came across a distressed little lad.

"Please help me sir I've lost my dad !"

"We'll soon find him,what's he like ?"

"Whisky and women ,"said the little lad,"and riding his bike."

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A deaf dog blog

Jill was getting worried about her cocker spaniel.

"I think he's getting deaf,"she tells her husband Daniel.

"I think you're wrong,he's full of life,obedient and fit,

He responds to requests,look at this ,Bonzo sit !"

"I told you dear,"said Jill ,"look what he's done !"

Picking up  Bonzo's poo wasn't much fun.

 

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Her dog's message to an elderly lady hit by covid

"If you feel sad I'll be there for you,

Thanks for all the lovely walks we did do.

If covid decides to break your heart,

I'll help you make a fresh start."

 

"If you cry or your health does fail,

I'll always be there to wag my tail.

I'll always be there by your side,

As in your heart my love will reside."

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Nasty words

Two mums are chatting at the school gates,

Each of their kids are school mates.

"My daughter has trouble with eczema and asthma," said one mother.

"Oh my goodness,that doesn't sound good," said the other.

The first mum says,"She hasn't got them,

She just has trouble spelling them."

 

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"Darling please give him one more chance."

Very rich husband but 89 years old,

"My chauffeur drives too fast ,won't slow down when told !

I'm going to sack him ,nearly wet my pants !"

Very young wife,"Darling,please give him one more chance."

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A broken new years resolution

Donald  was always telling people he was clever and highly paid.

A new years resolution ,like many of us,he had made.

"To be much less conceited I am going to be,

Easy to keep for someone as clever and highly paid as me ."

 

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Poor attendance at a concert in Wales due to coronavirus

The choir was getting ready to perform at a concert in Wales.

Due to coronavirus,there were zero ticket sales.

The man in charge peeped through the curtain,there was only one person out there.

"Sir ,as you are our  audiece, all our songs with you we will share."

 

The man got up from his chair and around the hall with a brush did roam,

And said,"Well don't be too long,I'm the car...

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Stripped by a taxi !!And an act of kindness by a homeless girl.

June arrived at a reception with her husband John,

But duly embarrassed landed with nothing on.

The taxi had stopped June and John got out,

June closed the door ,next John did shout.

"Taxi stop my wife has been unclothed !!"

Her dress got stuck in the door when closed.

 

In her bra and panties she did stand,

As on a busy street she did land.

She was fortunate not be drag...

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Don's passion for maths didn't add up.

Don was a very clever lad,

But a passion for maths he never had.

DECIMALS to Don were never a hit,

He didn't see the POINT of doing it.

 

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Let us pray...........At home .

Until we have instigated a cure, 

Please don't allow covid to lure,

And spread around in your congregation,

Bringing pain and grief to our nation.

 

To pray at home is a must,

Quell for now, your congregating lust.

Pray for this pandemic to end,

And for those affected to mend.

 

The future to congregate will depend on you,

Pray at home to get us through.

Pray fo...

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Losing his load !!

A h.g.v. driver stops at a red light,

Barbara a baby sitter gets out of her car and gives him a fright.

"Hi my name is Barbara and your losing your load !"

The trucker ignores her and carries on down the road.

 

When the trucker stops at the next red light,

Barbara stomps out of her car and she's getting up tight.

"Hi my name is Barbara and your still losing your load !"

Sh...

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