Poetry Blog by hugh

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There was a young man called Sid,

Who was amazed at everything he did.

One day he did die,

His family did cry.

At his funeral, lifted up the coffin lid.



There was a young girl called Cher,

Who went to the petrol station for air.

She filled up with joy,

Met up with a boy,

Who was amazed at her magnificent pair.


Cannibal event



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Tom was a taxi driver on his way to pick up a nun,

He'd always wanted to kiss one thought it would be fun.

So he picked her up and looked her in the eye,

Asked her if she wouldn't mind giving it a try.


She asked him whether he was married or a  Catholic .

He said," No neither,"this did the trick.

He pulled over to the side and embraced her in a snog.

But suddenly he burst...

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Full of beans

Heinz was a pensioner and lived on his own,

Had three kids,but from the nest they had flown.

His wife died three years ago tragically in a crash.

Heinz lived on the bread line not much cash.


His cooking skills were few and far between,

Eating at a local caf he was frequently seen.

One cold dark evening he said to his host,

"I'll have two portions please of beans on toast....

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Wayne's pain turns out to be a sore point

Wayne goes to the doctor's with numerous pains.

"Whatever I touch it hurts it never wane's ."

He pushes his chest with his finger and screams with pain.

Pushing his thigh and shoulder he screams again.

"I know what it is ,"said the doctor confidently.

"Is it fatal ?" asked Wayne worryingly.

"You've got a broken finger."



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Wipe out .Wet wipes an enormous cause of sewage blockage

When as a nation we are in a rush,

Down our loos many things we flush.

A problem we can all do something about,

Bin your wipes hear me shout !



Most of our wipes do not degrade,

When in our sewers never fade.

The plastic contents of these wipes,

Clog and block our sewer pipes.

Wipes are strong from the very start,

Cling together ,difficult to part.


A 3P ...

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Deal with an embrace

Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,

Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.

Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark.

"Only one embrace per yard ,"smirked the young male clerk.

"That's alright  I'll take ten yards ,"said smiling Jill.

And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.




A large meal on a big plate,

Smiles at him temp...

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The sound of silence,11 o'clock 11/11/18 a silence haiku

Silence is golden

A tribute to the brave men

Who saved our country

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More haiku or hughku

The sound of silence,11o'clock,11/11/18 {added this morning}


Silence is golden

A tribute to the brave men

Who saved our country




A romantic return haiku


A romantic turn

One boomerang to the other

You'll be back


Eviction haiku


Left worries on steps

Before I got evicted

On street now homeless


A break up telly settlement haiku


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Marriage name change B.Hind to B.Bottom

There once was a girl from Broadbottom ,

Who married a lad from Ramsbottom

Bill Bottom was his full name,

Mrs Bottom Brenda became.

B.Hind had become a B.Bottom.


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"Anya" marks get set go !

Who better to welcome and say hello.

The new meeter and greeter on Write Out Loud,

Compassionate and friendly of whom we are proud.


A  poetic marvel of Polish decent,

Who has flowered on this site most recent.

An example to new members she will always be,

Welcoming budding new poets  to our family tree.



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Change of plan ."It was miles better."

Jane was trying to sell her car,

She was having no luck so far.

It had done too many miles 250k!

Jane called round to see her friend Ray,

Ray was a mechanic and gave her some advice.

"Let me clock it for you and increase the price."


The speedo now to 50k was wound back.

"Don't tell my boss he'd give me the sack."

A month passed by  she met up with Ray,"Did you sell it?...

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Keep feeling young singing a song.

You are never too old to become younger.

Learn day by day to satisfy your hunger.

The more things you love the more you enjoy,

Humour is a priority and can bring you great joy.


Dying is a very dull dreary affair,

Live on and enjoy life ,avoid being there.

Turn your life into a work of art,

Look forward and live on as a child in your heart.


Take plenty of exercise ...

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A period problem , a pupil problem and a lame excuse

A period problem


"Mum,why am I not getting my period I'm nearly sixteen  ?

Jill got hers when she was just thirteen."

The teenager was sadly feeling  missed out.

"You getting a period Bill,will never come about "


A pupil problem


Tina was a teacher and suffered from stress,

A situation she was keen to redress.

Things became worst when she became cross- eyed,


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Amelia the young witch from Sabden does it again

A volkswagen and a B.M.W. were driving really fast,

Both wanting to be first,definitely not last.

One overtakes the other down a big hill,

Driving too fast ready to kill.


A child at a crossing  hand in hand with her mum,

Wasn't aware what was about to come.

Fortunately a young girl called Amelia was there,

The young witch from Sabden avoided a scare.


She twitched ...

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Memory loss

An elderly poet was forgetting how to rhyme,

And  the names of people he had known a long time.

A man came towards him which he knew quite well,

But the name of this man didn't ring a bell.

He stretched out his hand to greet his friend,

And crashed into the mirror,that was the end.


Another memory loss,forgot to mention


The guy who invented the door-knocker got a plea...

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Chickened out by Amelia the young witch

Amelia the young witch from Sabden was walking down the street alone,

Two dodgy looking lads had their eyes on her expensive mobile phone.

"Hand that over to us young lass !"

They were not to know what was about to pass.


Amelia twitched her nose two chickens did appear,

The lads were no longer there, nothing now to fear.

Two eggs were laid Amelia took them home,

And safel...

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Trick or eat

Amelia lived in Sabden and was a witch,

In school she was unpopular and called a bitch.

This troubled her very much,

Her class mates were cruel and out of touch.


But belonging to a witch family was not so bad,

Her mum was a witch and so was her dad.

Her dad would drive to school safely  in the back seat,

Her mum while at work could make her house neat.


There was a...

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More Halloween Haiku or Hughku time

 Scary night haiku


A dark scary night

Don't answer the door tonight

Death could be knocking !


Trick or treat haiku


"Trick or treat ,"they cry

"Answer the door or you'll die!"

Ignored them,still here.


Elderly witch haiku


The witch was ninety

No grey hairs on shiny head

Was completely bald


Scary visitors haiku


Scary knock on d...

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Halloween Haiku or Hughku time

Coffin haiku


The night was spooky

Graveyard was very noisy

'Cos of the coffin


A bloody good haiku


"Mum what's a vampire?"

"Drink your soup before it clots."

"It's bloody good mum."


 Witch haiku


Witch was not  happy

Her son's report was crappy

"Broom for improvement !"


New to haiku,any errors made call it a hughku.

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Haiku shocks!

Baker got a shock

He stood on a current bun

It ran up his leg


A witch got a shock

She was swept of her broom and

Flew off the handle

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He rocked to his seat with a smile on his face,

As a grease-laden fish a chip plate he eagerly did face.

Obesity is the greatest threat to health world wide.

A hard hitting campaign against it we must decide.


Fruit juice is definitely a No ! No !

As into your body too much sugar will go.

Five table-spoonfulls of sugar in one large drink!

Before devouring it stop and think...

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Ryan and the lion

A lioness wrigggled rather provocatively to have a drink.

A gorilla getting excited gave her a seductive wink.

The gorilla decided to have his wicked way,

The lioness was dumfounded didn't know what to say.


The gorilla ran off back to the zoo at Chester,

The lioness shocked took off after her molester.

The gorilla knew he was in trouble looked for a disguise,

Found a big ...

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"Home Lez "{my nick name}

My name is Lez and I became homeless,

I got into debt and my life became a mess.

I lost all my dignity and became ashamed of my state,

I started sleeping rough in the city ,a life I did hate.


I was particularly vulnerable ended up on the street,

Was criminalised and demonised no future to greet.

I felt invisible and ignored,badly damaged,

Herded to a cliff edge sadly rava...

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Dead money

There once was an undertaker called Fred,

Who's business in the Summer was dead.

But when Winter came round,

More visits to the burial ground,

Moved his bank account out of the red.


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From pasture to plate

In meadows green it spends its day,

Then strolls to the barn to pay its way.

The rent is just a pail of milk.

Rewarding the farmer with pure silk.


In every farm the cow will graze,

Its calmness never ceases to amaze.

But despite the music of its moo,

Few will give the beast its due.


As cows calmly chew their grass,

From field to plate they soon  will pass.


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You could be president!

Donald is inspiring a new young generation,

"Believe in yourself ,you could rule a nation."

Kids and parents knew that this was not going to be.

But things have changed ,this could be a strong possibility.

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The worm experiment

A woman is lecturing at an university on the dangers of drink,

The students listen intently and it makes them think.

"Drinking water is good for you,keeps you healthy and alive."

She drops a worm into a glass of water,the worm did survive.

She picks it up and puts it in a glass of wine,

The class  wait anxiously and hope it will be fine.

After a while the worm in the wine appears...

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A moving experience

I was sat on a step outside a Manchester City store,

Sheltering from the rain and a heavy downpour.

Just been to Greggs and a coffee cup in hand,

The benches were too wet for my bottom to land.

"You can't sit there and eat ,you are in the way!"

A man showed me his badge and said I couldn't stay.

Think he thought I was a beggar collecting in my cup,

At first,until I confidently...

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A visual boost

A man looks in the mirror trying on a hat,

Says to his wife,"Look at me I'm getting old and fat,

Pay me a complement my love and make me feel better."

"Well your eyesight is great can't think of anything better."

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A missed kiss

Jim and Jane had been married a long time,

They were happy together and got on fine.

But physical contact was on the wane,

No problem to Jim but it worried Jane.


Some new neighbours moved into the house next door.

When Jane saw their physical reactions it worried her even more.

Each morning at the door the man gave his wife a kiss,

Jane said to Jim ,"Why don't you do this...

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Bad bottom behaviour

Two flies were hovering around looking for something to do.

They both decided to land on some recently excreted dog poo.

They were fortunate that the turnout had not been binned.

One of the flies made a noise and proceeded to pass wind.

"Your bad bottom behaviour ,"said the other,"definitely needs treating,

How dare you pass wind while I am still eating!"


Don't give the flie...

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse,

News was to unfold which would affect his purse.

She told him she was soon to give birth.

Discretion was paramount ,more than his marriage was worth.

Not wanting his wife to know,

To Italy to give birth he made the nurse go.

"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?"

"Send me a postcard with" spaghetti" on it the followin...

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Life in a Care home

I wonder round my care home rooms,

Where death round every corner looms.

I wonder who is going to be next,

We sit and wait sad and vexed.


In the long voyage we call life,

I was once a mother and a wife,

My yesterdays walk with me ,mainly the best,

I frequently forget where I've put the rest.


My big toe frequently makes a hole in my sock,

Unsteady on my feet on ...

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Stress can make a mess

They say that stress can be a killer,

But can be exciting like a thriller.

Life devoid of its highs and lows,

Boringly slips by and soon goes.

So live life to the full and sample the stress.

But learn how to confidently clear up the mess.


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Bill's can win

Bill was a gambling man and just loved to win.

He was at a machine putting his money in.

"Oh my goodness I've won agen !

That's amazing I'm up to ten."

He placed his winnings on top of the machine.

 "I'm constantly winning I'm living a dream."

He jumped with joy as another can did fall,

He'd never won as much at all.

A lady shouted at him dressed in pink,

"Hurry up,you'v...

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A dozen teenagers were on a night out.

They were stood outside a night-club hanging about.

Entrance into the night-club said they were not allowed.

So they hung about noisily with the crowd.


They saw five students they already knew,

And invited them to join them in the queue.

Now they were a gang of seventeen stood at the door.

One of them shouted ,"We only need one more ...

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A visit to New York

An Archbishop once went on a visit to New York,

On his arrival  with a reporter did talk.

Asked "What do you think of the prostitutes you'll find there?"

His answer, in question form produced a  big scare.

"Are there any prostitutes in New York ?"he did say.

His question made headlines in the tabloids next day .


Hells bells

The new vicar  of ST Giles who's name was Pete.


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Snapped up and swallowed,a crocodile scare.

I picked up a crocodile at an illegal pet shop,

Put it in the car but soon had to stop.

A car pulled up flashing its blue light,

I had to stop it gave me a fright.


The cop said that I had been speeding.

I said to him," My crocodile needs feeding."

"So you broke the speed ,limit to get him fed !!"

The crocodile didn't like this and bit off his head.


News of this  t...

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Drugged up and homeless in Manchester yesterday

Cross -legged he stumbled ,the sight was not nice,

Heavily drugged up with the danger drug spice,

Stumbling through the city centre mumbling to himself.

His body slowly crumbling on a death shelf.

Thumps down on a bench ,his body bent,

Transmiting through the air a terrible scent.

A young girl sat there reading a book,

"Will you marry me tomorrow?"as he gave her a look.


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Getting to the bottom of finding the lost ball

Jo was out playing golf with his wife,

What happened next could have ended a life.

She sliced her ball into a field full of cows,

They were a very close couple ,not many rows.

She wasn't going to give up the ball for lost,

Very careful with her money,worried what a replacement would cost.


They searched and searched to no avail,

On the point of giving up Jo lifted up a cow...

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Claire's despair

Claire calls the fire-brigade,her need was dire.

"Help me ,help me, my house is on fire!"

The fireman answers,"Ok how do we get there?"

"In the red truck with the blue light!"She cried in despair.

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Theresa May

There was a Prime Minister called Theresa May,

Who won the Brexit vote not to stay.

She wriggled about ,

The opposition did shout.

And tried to trip her up on the way.



The U.K. economy is uncertain,

Leaving the E.U. could pull down the curtain.

Leaving us in the dark,

Facing a recession RISK mark.

Reduced growth and currency depreciation,

To many unce...

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There was young man called Fred,

Who woke up one morning dead.

He heard a bell ring ,

And the angels did sing.

Thankfully to heaven he was led.


Cancelled contract

There was a young man from Colne,

Who spent half his life on the phone.

When he got his last bill,

It made him feel ill.

Lived the rest of his life all alone.










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Cancelled contract

There was young man from Colne,

Who spent half his life on the phone.

When he got his last bill,

It made him feel ill.

Lived the rest of his life all alone.



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The moody bus driver

The bus driver was in a very bad mood,

And to customers paying with large notes he was extremely rude.

A lady gets on with a baby and pays with a £20 note,

The driver angrily shouts,"You have destroyed my float!

Your baby is the ugliest I have ever seen."

Everyone thought the driver was really mean.

A man she sat next to said,"Go up there and give him a clout,

I'll hold your m...

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Confessions of a husband and wife

Fred was on his deathbed,Jill held his fragile hand.

"Oh please my darling forgive me,I hope you'll understand!"

Jill's sweet voice aroused him from his sleep,

He looked up, pale,tired and began to weep.

"My darling Jill I have a confession to make before I go."

"Hush my love don't talk I think I know."

"No I must tell you now and die in peace,

The guilt in my troubled mind I ...

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A teacher's problems with her pupils.

Tina was a teacher and suffered from stress,

A situation she was keen to redress.

Things got worst when she became cross-eyed,

The headmaster on her progress was disatisfied.

So with the local doctor she was advised to enrol.

Who said ,

"The problem lies with your pupils getting out of control."


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Guards on a train are a must

Tears from a 75 year old lady pour,

As her dog's lead gets stuck in the train door.

A step up from the platform made it difficult to get up,

The driver couldn't see due to the track set up.

Her hand got caught in the door but she managed to pull it free,

"I started screaming and banging the door,but there was no guard there for me!"

Dragged to his death through a tunnel attached ...

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Deal with a kiss

Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost.

Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.

Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark.

"Only one kiss per yard ,"smirked the young male clerk.

"Thats fine I'll take ten yards,"said smiling Jill.

And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.



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Minister of Affairs

There once was a London  mayor,

Who loved to have the occasional affair.

When his wife found out,

She kicked him out.

To become the first new Minister of Affairs.



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