Poetry Blog by hugh

Urgent 999 call , thief takes the cake

"There's a burglar in the house !"Jane screams to Jake.

"He's just eaten half of my newly cooked cake!"

"Oh my goodness ,"Jake shouts,"I'd better ring 999 !"

"The ambulance will be with you soon,"said the medic on the line.

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Age definitely mattered

Tim a bachelor with lots of money,

Planned a holiday to somwhere sunny.

He met a gorgeous girl who was only thirty,

Well dressed,well spoken and terribly flirty.

 

He brought her home to live in his house,

His friends were mesmerized by his new "spouse".

Newly retired at the age of sixty-five,

They all hoped his relationship would survive.

 

They asked,"How did you at...

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Finally Sid's bid did win

Sid went to an auction wasn't sure what to buy,

But a rather fine looking parrot caught his eye.

The bidding was fierce it made quite a lot,

But finally the winning bid Sid got.

 

Exhausted to the payment desk Sid did walk,

On the way asked the auctioneer if the parrot could talk.

"Yes ,"said the auctioneer,"he is one of a few,

He was the one bidding against you."

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Cannibal caff !!

I passed a sign outside a caff,

A sign that made me really laugh.

Monday .Fried chicken.

Tuesday.Pork chops.

Wednesday .Roast  lamb.

Thursday.Roast beef.

Friday,Senior citizens.

 

Are senior citizens any good to eat ?

Too much bone and not much meat.

I hope it won't be my fate,

To end up on a Cannibal caff plate.

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Don't drink and drive !!

Three lads were out on the town,

The drinks they kept putting down.

One passes out and hits the ground,

One goes to the bar to buy the next round.

"What's he having there, lying  on the floor?"

"Oh he's drivng,can't have anymore."

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It's good to laugh. Keep laughing !

Jim leaving the pub a bit worst for drink,

Next step the cinema ,he did  think.

He buy's a ticket and staggers inside,

Soon  to buy another he did decide.

 

Two minutes later he's back buying a third,

The ticket office girl thought this was absurd .

Jim says,"Everytime I go in a bloke tears my ticket in half !"

The girl in the ticket office had a good laugh.

 

 

 

...

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Bill and the ducks

Bill was speeding in a truck with a bunch of ducks in the back,

A policeman pulls him up and  gives him loads of flack.

"I just don't  know what to do with these ducks anymore !"

To the zoo down the road the cop advised him to go.

Next day Bill drives down the road and the policeman passes,

This time all the ducks are in the back wearing designer sun glasses.

"It is obvious the z...

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Caught red handed

Jane asked John if he wanted his palm read,

"Yes please,"John happily said.

A pot of red paint she did dispand,

And tipped  it all over his hand.

 

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I hate school !

"Get up you lazy boy,

Staying at home should not be your ploy !" 

"But mum I don't want to be there anymore,

The kids are bullies,the teachers terrible,work's a chore."

"Eat your breakfast and go in you fool,

Your 50 years old and head of the school !"

 

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Friday the 13th

Jane was racing down the motorway in her new car,

Foot on the accelerator,over the speed limit by far.

Jane purchased the car because her abusive husband had left,

In prison serving a long sentence for theft.

 

Suddenly a blue light appeared from behind,

It was on the cards for her to be banned and fined.

The cop looked tired and said,"It's Friday the 13th ,I've had a bad day,

...

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An early warning silenced

"Are bugs good to eat?"

John asks his dad Pete.

"That's a disgusting question to  ask ,get real !"

They both carried on enjoying their meal.

Later,"Now why did you ask me that question  John?"

"There was a bug in your meal,but now it's gone."

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"I gave up drinking in the 2nd lockdown, a return to normality"

"I reached for a bottle every single day,

Working at home in the first lockdown,less structure to my day.

My hangovers were getting really bad,

To feel better,more drinks at lunchtime I had.

 

A shot of alcohol I needed to make me shine,

It dulled my senses ,I was trapped by this habit of mine.

Drink dulled my senses and falsely overcame my stress,

Diminishing my ability to...

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It just didn't work out !

"Our gym was the life and soul of our town,

But due to lockdown it had to close down.

We hit a wall when it came about,

It just didn't work out ! "

 

 

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No longer a dunce. Well done !!

The teacher was asking tricky questions in her class.

Most of them had done well in their exams and secured a pass.

"How many times can you subtract ten  from a hundred?"

All the answers were incorrect,they'd truly blundered.

But the correct answer came from the class dunce. 

"The next time you would be taking ten from ninety.So once !"

 

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Two ghosts caught trick or treating on Halloween

Two ghosts were trick or treating on Halloween,

They were pretending to be kids,that was mean !

But luckily they were not sucessful in what they tried to do,

Because they were so easy to see through.

 

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A painting competition

John and Lyn belonged to the elite,

Two talented artists ready to compete.

They entered the contest,John was the favourite to win.

But a really good picture was painted by Lyn.

 

The judges were in awe,

It ended up a DRAW.

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Heads or tails-Trump or Biden ?

I tossed a coin to see who would be president.

Who would be the next White House resident.

Heads for Biden,tails for Trump.

Up in the air the coin did jump.

 

Heads it fell upon the floor,

Trump is president no more.

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The benefits of being working class.

Dave was brought up in a working class town.

Paul his mate was posh and frequently on Dave looked down.

"There are many benefits being working class,"Dave said to Paul.

"I've been very fortunate,I've claimed them all."

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Don't dither and delay ,make covid go away. Close schools

Schools should be shut ,

For infections  to be cut.

Schools are a major contributor to the spread,

A hype in September on their return ,I did dread.

 

Disaster struck straight away,

Schools must close to make lockdown pay.

Keeping schools open definitely will,

Lead to a longer lockdown still.

 

Schools have to be shut to avoid disaster,

Please don't let covid becom...

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Deaf

"We don't talk anymore,

He's 93 and I'm 94.

We've been together since 1953,

We never argue or disagree.

The secret,we can't hear anymore."

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Armed police called out in Westminster !

Going out with uncle John was a danger,

In Westminster he embraced a complete stranger.

Armed police were called out,

To sort things out.

Thinking the P.M.'s life was in danger.

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He had a whale of a time

There once was a Welshman from Ebbw Vale,

Who  wanted to have a good ride on a whale.

They returned from the ride with the Welshman inside,

And a smile on the face of the Whale.

 

Written by Morfil

 

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A rush to his funeral

Father John was on his way to the crematorium,

He was flagged down by a lady near the Emporium.

She asked,"Can you tell me where the hospital is,I'm a nurse?

He told her and then waved at a passing hearse.

 

"I'm sorry I'm going to have to go."

Not wearing any clerical clothes his occupation she did not know.

"That is my funeral I must get there really fast." 

"Oh my dear,m...

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Happy Halloween from Amelia the young witch from Sabden Lancashire

Amelia lived in Sabden and was a witch,

In school she was unpopular and was  called a bitch.

This troubled her very much,

Her class mates were cruel and out of touch.

 

But belonging to a witch family was not so bad,

Her mum was a witch and so was her dad.

Her dad would drive safely in the back seat,

Her mum while at work would make her house neat.

 

There was always ...

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A deeply depressed witch deprived of trick or treating in tier three

I am a witch in tier three,

No trick or treating for you and me !

Around my neighbourhood I cannot zoom,

Depressed and dismal in a pool of gloom.

 

I'm sometimes described as a bad tempered witch,

I fly off the handle and become a bitch.

When at school I frequently rebelled, 

On two occasions I was ex-pelled.

The only subject I did really well,

Was English where I lea...

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A heart-warming act of kindness by Sally Anne an N.H.S Nurse

"I got my sheepdog 5 years ago from 93 year old Alan Leek.

Due to enter a carehome a new home for Cap he did seek.

Five years on I thought how lonely he might be,

I just wanted to bring joy into his life and his old friend to see.

 

"On my trip up to Kendal I covered 300 mile,

Seeing the look on Alan's face made it all worthwhile.

Alan was so happy and Cap was happy too,

An...

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A grave Halloween tale

Lyn became an undertaker after being a nurse.

Much less stressfull driving a hearse.

Her husband Jim passed by the cemetry one day,

Noticed a new fence, a queue  and quite a delay.

"Why have they built a new fence Lyn?"

"Because people are dying to get in."

 

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"A home I pray for before I'm dead."

"I am not an alcholic or addicted to a drug,

I am here because I was abused by a thug.

He's in a warm bed after abusing me,

But wrapped in my blanket,I'm feeling free.

 

Free from abuse and trauma at home,

Round the streets with my back pack I  roam.

Life on the streets can be tragic,

But the generosity of the kind is magic.

 

My little dog plays his part,

Fed by m...

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Covid and the witch

The covid witch is here to stay,

No sign of her going away.

All over the world she casts her spell,

An invisible curse,a door to hell.

 

Fever,cough ,headache and sore throat,

No cure yet, the witch does gloat..

But a turning point came in her life,

To put an end to the covid strife.

 

All her life she had been a tractor fan,

But while driving one she crashed into ...

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"When will I get to see my man ?"

Mary's husband in a carehome resides,

There due to lockdown ,unvisited,does hide.

Suffering dementia,the past he has lost,

"Every day I don't see him,comes at a cost.

 

He has been my husband for 50 years,

For his mental health I have grave fears.

My husband needs contact with the one he has loved,

Sectioned and secluded into a care home he's been shuved.

 

In dementi...

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"I love you, your mine."

Jill and Kline were at home sipping wine,

"I love you,"said Jill,"your mine."

"Is that you or the wine talking?"asked Kline.

"It's me,"said Jill,"talking to the wine."

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Made in China

Sum Ting Wong over from China on vacation,

Said to me,"Seeing all those flags make me proud of my nation."

"But Sum your Chineese and  all those flags are union jacks."

"Yes,but just take a look at the labels on their backs."

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The tears of Diana

Diana sat in the bus shelter,tears pouring down her face,

Her eyes red and puffy,she looked a disgrace.

An old lady came over and gave her a tissue,

Put her arm round Diana tried to comfort the issue.

 

"He's probably not worth it, the ignorant lout,

Get rid of him quickly,he's messing you about ! "

The old lady's bus arrived,she waved as she drove away.

Diana waved back,th...

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Lost for words

The world's Tongue Twisting Champion  was up in court for deceit,

He sat in the dock wondering what sentence he would meet.

The tough sentence he received was a shock,

He was lost for words sadly sat in the dock.

 

 

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A bloody misunderstanding

Down with a virus 5 year old Jane went,

To the nurse at the surgery with her dad she was sent.

The nurse was there,blood ready to draw,

Jane and her dad entered the surgery in awe.

 

The nurse,eyes fixed on her folder,

Said,"I will take the blood from your shoulder."

Jane was perplexed ,didn't know what was going on,

"I'll wait for you outside dad,"back to the car she had g...

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Scary scripture words

"The day of the Lord will come like a thief."

The worldly effect of the pandemic is beyond belief.

 

"The heavens will disappear with a roar."

The spread of the virus definitely does soar.

 

"The elements will be destroyed by fire."

These pandemic predictions are dire.

 

"And the earth and everything done, it will be laid bare."

Reading these predictions gave me a sca...

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The skip a day diet

Jude was worried about her weight,

The tyre round her waist ,she did hate.

Her doctor said,"Hey Jude ,you need to diet,

Eat normal for two days,,skip a day,try it.

I guarantee after a fortnight you'll shed five pounds,

The fat will fly off in leaps and bounds."

 

When Jude returned , twenty pounds she had shed,

"That third day though I nearly droppped dead !"

"Amazing,"s...

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A delve into the mind of an evil virus

"A new way of life I have found,

I live in the lungs of a smoker ,spreading covid around.

When he coughs I am in his particles of saliva circulating in the air,

And the infectious coronavirus I love to share.

 

In some competitions called "cloud  cleansing,"vapers compete,

A large cloud with me in it,you might meet.

When exhaling vaping clouds ,microscopic droplets they do spr...

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Lady Luck gave me a chance

"A woman walking out alone,

I snatched her bag and mobile phone.

I left her bruised and distressed,

My first crime, I'd passed my test.

 

I took my spoils quickly home

Through Yellow Pages my eyes did roam.

I came across the "Lady Luck Bargain Store,

Anything bought we give you more."

 

When I arrived my heart missed a beat,

The lady I had mugged ,I was about to me...

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Jake's coronavirus cover up

Dan put  his blue face mask on when getting out of the car.

Jake covered his face up with an elegant blue bra.

"Why are you wearing that ?"asked Dan.

"My wife found it in the back of my works van."

 

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Well done Naomi Jupp aged 15,a newspaper delivery girl in Dorset.

Caring Naomi  Jupp has been given an honarary police prize,

For alerting the police when worried about a customer's possible demise.

An elderly man had not collected his paper from the day before,

Naomi had left it half hanging out of his letter box front door.

 

The next, day, the previous day's delivery was in the way,

Naomi concerned rang the police without delay.

"I have p...

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21

Did you know that numbers can fight?

Large numbers all over the world frequently might.

Number 19 and 20 is an example of one.

Both numbers fought and twenty won.

 

Hope you figured that one out

 

 

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When will I see you again?

"Lonely she lies in her carehome bed,

When will I get to see her in the days ahead?

I don't know how long she has to live,

A touch and a hug  I cannot give.

 

My mum thrives on constant interaction,

For the last 6 months we have been deprived of  action.

The thought of not seeing her is tearing me apart,

Not to see her again will break my heart.

 

I myself am a mother...

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Margaret Ferrier M.P.

A female being bullied and persecuted by the press,

I thought at first,the damage  inflicted they couldn't care less.

I thought the poor woman is being attacked while ill.

Criticising Dominic Cummings flouting lockdown was top of her bill.

 

Cummings drove to his family in lockdown up home,

But she on a train journey from London to Glasgow did roam.

She got her nails done,shop...

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6 penalty points and a £200 fine!

Jake was driving home quite fast,

Uknowingly a police car he had passed.

The police quickly gave chase,  

Into a services Jake did race.

The police car pulled him up, Jake angrily did moan.

"You've interrupted my conversation,I was on the phone! !"

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A vaccine is on the horizon somewhere in a scientist's head

What is happening is beyond our control at the mo,

The number of schools hit by closures continues to grow.

Re-opening schools has accelerated the spread,

Many school employees returning ,scaringly did dread.

 

Covid 19 infections in children is very mild,

But from our little incubators the spread gets wild.

9 million children have gone back to school,

But the virus due to ...

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Flogging a dead donkey

Jack sold a donkey to his friend Fred,

He delivered the donkey but sadly it was dead.

Fred thought,"Oh no I'm a hundred quid worse off !"

Then he said,"Great   I think I'll raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey ,that's wrong Fred !"

"Sure I can I won't tell them he's dead."

 

All went well ,he sold 500 tickets at 2 quid apiece,

And made 898 quid profit from a don...

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One!Two!Tree!Four!

A man burst into the doctor's surgery and flung open the door.

Jumped on the doctor's back and counted."One!Two!Three!Four!"

"What do you think you are doing?"shouted Dr Pugh.

"Well doc,everyone did say I could count on you."

 

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A swan's dream comes true

I love being a swan a partner I do seek,

I'm majestic,graceful,white with a yellow beak.

I possess a beak with saw like edges for my teeth,

My long neck delves for plants deep underneath.

 

I love my elongated curved neck,

Its flexibility keeps me in check.

I have 25,000 feathers to keep me warm,

Over canals and lakes with family swarm.

 

With a streamlined body and w...

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An addiction to cycling and exercising my dog

I jump into my hundred pound car,

With dog,drink and bounty bar.

We drive to the canal and unload my bike,

And hit the tow path doing what we like.

 

Dog runs along by my side,sometimes ahead, 

The fresh air and variety brings joy to each head.

We proceed for an hour at a sensible pace,

Both suitably satisfied and feeling ace.

 

We seek a bench and relax at our destin...

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