Poetry Blog by hugh

Spinning a yarn

Sammy was a spider,webs he loved to spin,

Constantly trapping  insects to feed his kith and kin.

Sammy had eight eyes but no neck or head,

Those eyes spotted his prey and kept him well fed.

 

One day those eyes filled with desire and led to female flaunting,

The female was much bigger than him,mating was quite daunting.

The sexual encounter Sammy did satisfyingly complete,

...

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Pot luck

Jim's grandad left him the contents of his house in his will,to be fair.

Jim on leaving home was desperately in need of the kitchenware.

Jim loved cooking and one evening invited his friends round,

I'm glad I visited him that day and luckily found,

In the kitchenware collection which Jim had got,

Amongst the pots and pans his grandad's chamber pot.

 

 

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The banned old Duke of York.

Criticism for his interview Prince Andrew has met,

It was almost impossible for him to sweat.

Pizza Express in Woking has achieved royal fame,

Used as an alibi to protect his good name.

 

An adviser had told him to remain in the shade,

To partake in the interview an error he has made.

Plaudits to rescue his reputation he did not receive.

In the interview he came over as bei...

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Parliamentary chaos

M.P.'s in Parliament on full pay,

Orators in posh suits arguing all day.

Getting nowhere really fast,

How long is this chaos going to last?

 

Homeless on the streets,how must they feel,

Damp and cold deprived of a meal.

Children from poor homes looking really sad,

Hankering for the breakfast they have not had.

 

Numerous buildings on our streets lying empty,

M.P.'s...

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Weddings and funerals

I went to a wedding the atmosphere was alive,

I look forward to mine I hope I survive.

I went to a funeral the atmosphere was dead,

Each person was sad ,each bowing a head.

 

Old people at weddings always poke me and say,"You're next !"

So I started to do the same things to them in a text.

Did'nt want them to know it was me,

Got my own back at the funerals, tee hee.

 

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Light fright

Will comes home drunk one night,

Something happened which gave him a fright.

He went to the toilet and the light went on,

The light went off when to his bed he had gone.

In bed he described what had happened to his wife Gwen.

"Will you dirty git,you've peed in the fridge agen !"

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Tired of living in a tyre

Joe was a homless man living in a tyre,

I did a good deed, punctured it,his needs were dire.

I don't know what ispired me to do that,

But now he is living happily in a flat.

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Wife's jealousy eradicates future dog dominance

"Your whole world was ruled by a dog,

Your attention and love it did hog!

You are not having another says me,

You took it for walks,ignored me!

Now that he is not there,

Time with you I can share.

You can devote all your attention to me !"

 

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Death for the old but a future for the young

The sun is setting in the aged's sky,

Not long to go before they die.

The sun is rising for the young as they plan ahead,

Full of opportunities and surprises,ambition led.

 

The hearses are waiting to pick the old up,

Wondering when they'll drink their  last cup.

Plenty of drinks for the young to swallow,

Large queues at the banks for them to borrow.

 

The money is th...

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The frying pan test

Jim and Kay shared a flat,

Separate rooms,didn't want a brat.

Well thats what they told Jim's mum when she came to stay.

But Jim's mum was suspicious,what more can I say.

 

After she had gone the frying pan they could not find,

A week passed and Jim missed his crispy bacon rind.

He rang his mum and asked her if she had moved it.

"Ah yes, I hid it in your bed,you're sleepimg...

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Avoid building a Berlin wall between us and the homeless

My life is tough sleeping rough,

My throat is sore my voice is gruff.

I beg outside with my cup from Costa,

My wife is dead,so sad I lost her.

 

I sleep for shelter under a motorway bridge,

In deep winter like sleeping in a fridge.

Many of my colleagues out there do die,

The loss of a friend last week brought tears to my eye.

 

Only one eye I have, lost the other serv...

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The importance of teamwork

Jack and Bill were part of a team,

Worked at the park's department in East Cheam.

Jack dug holes and Bill filled them in,

But to me the situation was a no win.

They worked all day, it seemed pointless to me

So I asked them why over a cup of tea.

"Well,the third man in our team ,he's called Mick,

He plants the trees,but rang in sick!"

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Sleeping rough in Westminster

Rough sleeping in Westminster is at a high,

MP's avoid eye contact as they pass us by.

We are the victims of the problems they have created,

Due to the cost of the properties we have vacated.

 

We are pushed out of sight and out of mind,

MP's pretend we are not there,that's unkind !

Posh and highly educated,it is us they neglect,

Support for the vulnerable ,they continually...

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Tom Sykes

Tom  a HGV driver sat down in a cafe eating his egg and chips,

Ten hell's angels rushed in each with pierced lips.

They took over his plate and drank all his tea,

Tom walked out,"Huh wasn't much of a man was he?"

The proprietor of the cafe said,"Mmm that was Tom Sykes,

You don't tangle with him,he's just reversed over your bikes"

 

 

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The parliamentary "night shift,"left bereft !

The shutters came down on their warm place to stay,

Where the parliamentary "night shift,"their sleeping bags did lay.

From Westminster tube station to the parlimentary estate,

The tunnel that they slept in, they had to vacate.

 

During the day they were never there,

But after 11 p.m.the tunnel they did share.

By 6 a.m.after a good night's sleep they left,

The tunnel now si...

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Happy Halloween from Amelia the young witch from Sabden

Amelia lived in Sabden and was a witch,

In school she was unpopular and was called a bitch.

This troubled her very much,

Her class mates were cruel and out of touch.

 

But belonging to a witch family was not so bad,

Her mum was a witch and so was her dad.

Her dad would drive safely in the back seat,

Her mum while at work could make her house neat.

 

There was always m...

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Cute newt

Pete walked into a pub with a newt on his head,

The landlady asked,"Is he alive or is he dead?

May I stroke him,he's quite sweet?

Whats his name ,please take a seat?"

"I call him Tiny,he's really cute."

"Why call him Tiny?""Cos he's my newt."

 

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Be careful what you might meet!

Jim was walking by the cemetery alone one night,

He saw a female figure his eyes lit up, she gave him a fright.

She sat on a grave her dark eyes gleaming,

But behind her veil there was something scheming.

"What do you want,maybe a treat?"

"Yes please said Jim,when can we meet?"

 

"Meet me tomorrow night and we shall see."

Jim's heart leapt in his chest full of expectancy.

...

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A random act of kindness in Manchester

While at a  vegan caf in Manchester  I sat,

With a mother and her daughter I did chat.

The atmosphere was pleasant as we all enjoyed our meal,

My dog was at my side  and to the staff he did appeal.

 

When for my snack  to the counter I went to pay,

A random act of kindness came my way.

"The girls you were talking to,they have paid your bill."

Thankyou for your kindness,can'...

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A call from the dead

I'm in my coffin on the way to the grave,

I pass a pub I hear them rave.

In my coffin I feel all alone,

I'm going to frighten them ,where's my phone?

 

 I hid it somwhere in a nook,

Its dark in here to dark to look.

I lift the lid and see the moon,

I feel around and find it soon.

 

I ring my son who is at the rave,

"I'm still alive don't need a grave!"

"But dad ...

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The clocks go back on Sunday

The clocks go back on Sunday,that's fine.

Slight problem!

Can't remember where I bought mine.

A receipt for the purchase I do lack,

No point really in taking it back.

The clocks go back on Sunday,

For me, not  a refund day.

 

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A wife's concern

Steve was on the phone to his wife,

"I have just had the worst experience of my life.

Sonia has just taken me to health care,

She pushed me there in a wheel chair.

I was leaving work and was hit by a van,

The driver was drunk and away from the scene ran.

The police pursued the driver but all was in vain,

I am in hospital waiting for a scan on my brain!

I have three broken r...

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Losing his load

A h.g.v.. driver stops at a red light,

Barbara a baby sitter gets out of her car and gives him a fright.

"Hi my name is Barbara and your losing your load!"

The trucker ignores her and carries on down the road.

 

When the trucker stops at the next red light,

Barbara stomps out of her car and she's getting up tight.

"Hi my name is Barbara and your still losing your load!"

Sha...

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One good turn deserves another

I'm walking down a Manchester street,

A man with a blanket and a bucket I do meet.

The bucket is full of loose change,

He lifts up the bucket outside the Range.

He shouts out ,"Spare change ,"in front of me,

I grabbed a handful and went to Greggs for my tea.

 

To return the favour I bought him an alsatian,

Much more money in his bucket ,quite a sensation.

His base was to...

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Once upon a time there were three nuns

Three nuns were having a chat,

As on a park bench they all  sat,

They loved to talk and spread the word,

Some things they said were quite absurd.

 

The first nun said, "I was cleaning Father's house last week,

What I found you must not leak.

I found two naughty notes with ,women for hire.

I was devastated I threw them in the fire!"

 

The second nun said,"A bag of cond...

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Honest house sale and maybe hope for a community.

I'm selling a house in disrepair,

So many faults,I do despair !

I despise the house the area is bad,

To sell it as it is I will be extremely glad.

 

No central heating,no hot running water,

Need a better school to send my daughter.

Due to dampness there is black mold everywhere.

We tried selling it before but got nowhere.

 

Its on an ex council estate,a bad one at tha...

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House purchase a risky step

Be careful what house you buy,

To hide its past the selller might try. 

Boris went to have a look at a house with his wife,

A serial killer had lived there ,now serving life.

Police found eleven bodies there hidden away,

Thats why it was cheap,what more can I say.

 

A wife put her house up for sale after getting divorced,

Her husband had left three years ago,to sell she was...

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A rubbish job for Boris

Boris was looking for a new place to work

Long term unemployment was beginning to lurk.

But an opportunity arose in the town he did live,

Two good references to the council he did give.

 

He secured the job of litter warden at the park.

It was an early start,Boris was up with the lark.

"What training do I get,I don't want to do anything wrong?"

"None,"said his new boss"You'...

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We love Manchester

A brutal random knife attack,horrifically mean,

Brings back memories of the tragedy of 2017.

Armed with a large knife he did viciously attack,

Shoppers in the Arndale Centre spreading fear and flack.

 

Lunging and attacking relentlessly with his knife,

Creating chaos in the centre,thankfully no loss of life.

The perpetrator was detained under the mental health act,

For inju...

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World mental health day,10th October

How do we improve our mental wellbeing?

To follow,a few reasons worth reading.

Eating raw fruit and veg can ease stress,

Releasing endorphins fighting distress.

 

Exercising is a key to give our mood a lift,

Creating happy hormones ,a precious gift.

Taking us away from stress and pain,

Replacing gloom and sorrow with a smile again.

 

Sleep is essential after a day of ...

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Blackpool insemination plan

Minbu,Noorjahan,Tara and Esha are getting excited,

A male is moving in with them ,he is delighted.

All five females are looking forward to be his mate,

Enthusiastically in wait,to sexually participate.

 

Emmet an animal of good nature a first class breeding bull,

All five female elephants at the zoo he will willingly pull.

He will be packing his trunk from Whipsnade this year,

...

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A hair raising question

While Milly and her mum are eating their brek,

Milly drops her jam butty on the deck.

As she picked it up Milly asks,

"Why does dad have so few hairs on his head?"

"He thinks a lot and is clever and well read.

"Thats a really good explanation mum, for his head to be bare,

Which makes me wonder mum,Why do you have so much hair?"

 

"

 

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One! Two! Three! Four !

A man walked into a doctor's surgery and flung open the door.

Jumped on the doctor's back, counted  "One!Two!Three!Four!"

"What do you think you are doing?"asked Dr Pugh.

"Well doc,everyone did say I could count on you."

 

 

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Domestic abuse

"My life was in danger every single day,

Oh my God ,why did I stay!"

Domestic abuse is a cowardly affair,

"Unable to live safely in my home is unfair."

 

Domestic abuse has only one aim,

Using fear ,guilt,intimidation and blame.

To gain control,wear you down and mistreat,

This crime hidden at home we must defeat.

 

The scars of domestic violence run deep,

The traum...

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Skinny dipping

Farmer Giles was a very lucky man,

He was on his way to pick fruit in his van.

Picking fruit was very hot work,

To have a dip in your own lake was definitely a perk.

He'd packed his trunks ready for the lake,

They were designer label,cheap but fake..

As he approached the lake with his bucket full of fruit,

He heard high pitched laughter which suddenly went mute.

 

A grou...

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A tree branches out

A tree was enjoying a day out with his friends,

But a strong wind builds up and his good day ends.

All his leaves are blown off,leaving him sad,

With no leaves on his branches he feels bad.

He runs away from the forest and grieves,

I suppose you could say he was absent without leaves.

 

A tree story.

 

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The Smellyphant

Two elephants lie in a zoo,

One of them couldn't go to the loo.

He had a problem which needed to be sorted,

Everything the keepers did could not be thwarted.

But in the end the problem they did defeat,

By giving  him lots of fruit to eat.

Never give up and say that you can't,

Persevearance solved the problem of the smellyphant.

 

 

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Be careful what you buy!

A friend of mine after he had left his wife,

Thought about having a change in his life.

He decided on a pet that was completely unique,

He'd had a rabbit,a dog and a parrot that could speak.

 

He decided on a monkey thought that would be fun.

So ordered one in a rush,the deal was done.

It came to the house the size of a small dog,

Lay at the bottom of his bed,slept like a l...

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The conniving lawyer gets his just deserts

A lawyer driving to the airport  was late for a flight,

Scared of missing his plane he ran a red light!

A farmer in a tractor was going through on green,

Unfortunately was hit by the lawyer at the scene.

The lawyer angrily shouted,"You idiot why did you do that?

I'm going to miss my plane you farming rat!"

Calm down said the farmer,don't get worked up."

Took out a whisky bottl...

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Teacher's pet is a big hit in school

A primary school has introduced a therapy dog to bring good cheer,

A therapy dog provides comfort and love to anyone near.

Fable a black labrador fills the children with joy,

Renowed for their good temperament,there to enjoy.

Fable improves the wellbeing of all that she meets,

When meeting the children wags her tail and greets.

 

Access to Fable is managed as her tail she does...

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Relationships,inspired by Ghazala Lari

Ghazala Lari ,your wise words I have put into verse,

Into your hearts dear readers closely please nurse.

The advice of this young lady shines  so bright,

Look after your relationships and put things right.

 

He who made us we must respect,

He who made us don't neglect.

Love your  Creator and your never alone,

He will look after you down to the bone.

 

With our family ...

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Lets travel in harmony on the same bus.

Last night I watched Parliament live on T.V.

It seems to be the road to nowhere for me.

There's more order in a rival football match,

Impossible for M.P.s  getting together for a Brexit egg hatch.

 

Boris and Corbyn you must take a stand,

Avoid quarreling,burying your heads in the sand.

Cast away the anger and indifference that resides,

Join together where respect and unity...

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A highly satisfied customer

Jane was married to Bill,a barber he became,

He was a very busy man,had a really good name.

There were frequent queues for cuts at his shop,

"How long a wait,"a guy asks,"for a crop?"

 

"Two hours," shouts Bill from behind a head.

Three days later the same guy said,

"How long before I can get a haircut today?"

"Two hours, I'm very busy,"the guy walks away.

 

A week la...

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My search for an eight character password

I'm searching for an unique eight character password for my online banking,

For a strong,secure and original one ,for a while I have been hankering.

There's so many different ones to choose out there,

I need something that no-one else can share.

It must be eight characters long,

What about me using Hong Cong?

Someone will have used that,it won't be mine!

Eight characters for m...

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A guilty feeling

She gets up early and puts on her ceggs,

Goes to the farm and steals some eggs.

Then she goes home and quickly fries,

Devours them all and then she cries.

A  guilty feeling hatches in her brain,

But to survive, tomorrow, she'll  do it again.

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Accrington ,loose wire fear!This happened Saturday afternoon

On my way to post a letter past  Peel Park school,

Fell flat on my face creating a blood pool.

Tripped over some wires dangling from a house,they shouldn't have been there !!

Damaging my nose,knees and shoulders ,gave me a scare.

Lost consciousness for a moment but soon got it back,

Face down on the pavement suffering a horendous whack.

 

My blood poured out at tap like pace,

...

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The men you please

Louise was out with Jim having a meal,

The print was minute on the menu,unhappy she did feel.

"Waitress, a question about the menu please."

"The men I please are none of your business Louise! "

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Devour and Crunch

There once were two cannibals called Devour and Crunch,

Who were sat at a table demolishing their lunch.

Devour said ,"I don't like my mother-in-law!"

"Never mind,"said Crunch," just eat the veg."

,

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Manchester City Council ,please listen to me !Put no cycling signs up on Market street for all to see!

Market street ,one of the busiest shopping streets in the land,

Pedestrianised,all cyclists racing down should be banned.

Silent cyclists rampaging down Market street,

Dangerously dodging bag laden shoppers out for a treat.

Britain's cyclists are keen,green and keep themselves fit,

But shoppers down Market street are frightened of being hit.

 

Food deliverers with targets to m...

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No chicks at the flicks !

Dawn and Marge were at the flicks watching The Golden Compass.

In the foyer a farmer was causing quite a rumpus.

He'd bought two tickets one for him and one for his chicken Nance.

"No chicks allowed !"So secretly he stuffed Nance down his pants,

Sneaked her in and sat next to Dawn and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken's head from the farmer's trousers did discharge.

Dawn s...

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