Poetry Blog by hugh

David Clark ,while walking his dog was tragically killed by a herd of cows

David Clark died earlier this week on the outskirts of town,

Tragically walking his dog,by a herd of cows was mowed down.

David taught at  Richmond School in Yorkshire for 23 years,

The community are devastated,shedding numerous tears.

 

A brilliant deputy head and simply a lovely leader

Enriched the life of everyone a true good deeder.

An amazing devoted teacher full of fun,

...

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Etiquette of proper attire

Jim ran out of fuel in the dessert in his van,

He was thirsty so he thought I must run as fast as I can.

Having run ten miles and ready to die,

He came across a man selling many a tie.

Jim ignored the salesman and ran another mile,

Came to a tavern with people queuing outside in style.

Collapsing,thirsty ,tired and ready to die,

The doorman shouted,"Sorry,no entry no tie !"

...

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The vicar's despair,no-one there at prayer !

The local vicar rang his newsagent to complain,

"You've forgotten to send me my Sunday Times again."

The newsagent replied,"Your Sunday Times was not delivered today,

It will be delivered as usual tomorrow on Sunday."

The vicar apologised and said,"I thought I had been left in the lirch,

That's why there was no-one present today at my church.""

 

 

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A virus laughing matter

Jack loved to share the occasioal joke,

At his pub on stage he frequenly spoke.

To share a joke about a virus he was bound,

Suddenly midway he stopped ,he didn't want to spread it around.

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"I am no longer a letter box,coronavirus has changed a vile veil attitude."

"The coronavirus face mask ruling has changed my life,

I am no longer regarded by others as a persecuted wife.

I am no longer seen as an outcast or a security threat,

Whenever I used to go shopping many a vile comment I did get.

 

A change has come about when everyone is masked,

Entering a public place,to wear one you are asked.

No-one says a word about my veil at all,

Now ...

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HANDS,FACE,SPACE AND RULE OF SIX.

A second wave is looming out there,

We must not give up and succumb to despair.

Hands ,face,space and rule of six,

We as a nation this pandemic  must fix.

 

How did we get in such a pickle?

Our future looks dark and fairly fickle.

Together we must bond to beat this plight,

 Fight the good fight with all our might.

 

Unite and fight as a determined nation,

To overco...

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Amanda,a young girl homeless on the street.

"Sadly at the age of 16 I was left without a mother,

Abused mentally ,physically and sexually by my older brother.

I started smoking and drinking a lot,

Hanging around with the wrong crowd,depressed I got.

 

Treated like a toilet in my early life,

Doorways became my home,my sheltered strife.

Sleeping in the park on a bench I sometimes did,

Underneath my blanket I worringly ...

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Human warmth by a homeless guy

"Homlessness due to the pandemic is on the up,

I sit in the city centre shivering holding my cup.

I'm viewed as an unsightly nuisance on the street,

Isolated from the rest of the community, begging to eat.

 

The slide towards homlessness for me was slow,

On a gradual fall through social safety nets I did go.

Bad choices in life got me into this situation,

Unemployed begging...

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A grave gift !

Jane was seeking a birthday gift for her mother-in-law,

An unusual idea advertised in the local press she saw.

An expensive plot in a posh cemetry she did buy,

It lay unused as her mother-in-law did not die.

 

On her next birthday she bought her nothing at all,

She was really angry and at Jane did bawl.

She shouted so loud it created a pain in Jane's ear.

Jane responded,"Yo...

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A shoplifting trick

Two teenagers into a sweet shop did go,

Into one of their pockets three chocolate bars go.

The thief leaves the shop and gloates about what he has done.

"You go in next,"he says to his mate,"let's have some fun !"

 

His mate goes in and blatantly scoffs three chocolate bars quick,

And says to the shopkeeper watching,"Would you like to see my trick ?

Look in my mate's pocket an...

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A loss of sleep

A tired  looking dog sat by my front door one day,

He looked into my eyes,what was he trying to say?

I gave him a dog treat and a loving pat,

He followed me in and curled up on my mat.

 

He woke up after resting for a long time,

Looked lovingly into my eyes and left mine.

The next day he did the same thing,

Happiness to his eyes again I did bring.

 

He did the same th...

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Revenge

Nora was a retiree and had plenty of free time,

Sometimes sat on a bench writing a poem with rhyme.

One day she was at the town centre coming out of a shop,

And was confronted by a parking ticket been written by a cop.

 

Nora went up to him and said,"How about giving a pensioner a break?"

"You parked on a double yellow line,for God sake !"

Nora replied,"Go to hell turd and fac...

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An alarming attack

Two teenagers acted in a manner difficult to comprehend,

High on drink and drugs, brought the life of a hard working family man to an end.

Murdered with a sword in a senseless and barbaric attack,

While investigating a gathering of youths at his factory back.

 

Hacked to death with more than  a hundred  blows,

Taking turns to stab,slash and chop in frenzied flows.

How and eart...

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A shock response

Steve was on the phone to his wife,

"I have just had the worst experience of my life,

Sonia has just taken me to health care,

She pushed me there in a wheel chair.

I was leaving work and was hit by a van,

The driver was drunk and away from the scene he ran.

The police pusued the driver but all was in vain,

I am in hospital waiting for a scan on my brain."

 

"I have three...

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Hell's Bells !!

The new vicar of St Giles,who's name was Pete,

Saw a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell across the street.

Pete thought ,"Bless him,poor little thing."

Walks over,smiles,gives the doorbell quite a ring.

"What now my boy,do you think they will have heard the bell?"

"Yes here they come,now we must run like hell !!"

 

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"White" said Fred

Fred had a stain on his new white sweater,

Wong's laundry for removing stains,there was no-one better.

Wong tried his best to remove the stain,

Gave up in the end his efforts were in vain.

 

Wong rang his brother and asked him to try,

But his brother too could not remove the dye.

Permanently stained and never to be white,

The moral, "Two Wongs can never make a white ."

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A good catch

Phill went to a fishmongers and bought six trout,

Been fishing all day ,never caught nowt .

"Please can you throw them at me one by one ?"

"Off course" ,said the fishmonger,"It'll be fun ."

Phill went home and  placed them in a large dish,

And proudly boasted that he had caught six fish.

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A crop failure prayer

The sailors in Portsmouth were off their boats,

All the ladies were out all night sowing their oats.

In the morning the sailors jumped on their boats and sailed away.

The ladies got down on their knees and for a crop failure did pray.

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Diarrhoea

George went to the doctor with diarrhoea,couldn't put up with it anymore.

The doctor asked,"Have you had any trouble with diarrhoea before?"

"Yes when I was at school it troubled me quite a lot,

If I'd known how to spell it,full marks in English I would have got."

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No more fishing trips for Jane

Jake took his young sister Jane fishing at the local lake,

On returning Jake sighed,"Mum a promise I must make,

I'm never taking her fishing again,

She never listens to me,she's a pain !"

"Hope she hasn't picked up any nasty  germs."

"No mum,not yet,but she kept eating my maggots and worms."

 

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An urgent message

The coronavirus curse needs fixing,

Please,please avoid social mixing !

 

Do as you are told,

Avoid the spread to the old.

Avoid going to a rave,

Sending a family member to the grave.

 

Coronavirus an unwelcome gift from those you love the most,

Family clusters,neighbours and friends could become a deadly host.

We are more likely to get it from those that we know real...

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A new undertaking for Jenny

Jenny was very attractive and worked at the bank,

But lost her job,coronavirus she had to thank.

Footfall to her bank had gone low,

So to the labour exchange she had to go.

 

She put on a suit to make an impression,

It was red and a tight fit,she was quite a sensation.

She got a job as an undertaker,

People are now dying to see her.

 

 

 

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A misunderstanding at the chemist

Joe at the chemist went up to the girl stacking the shelves,he'd just seen her.

He asks ,"What kills coronavirus?"she replies,"Ammonia cleaner."

"I'm sorry I thought you worked here,

Please can you tell me where the chemist is my dear."

 

"I am the chemist ,my name is Ah Chu,

How can I help you ?"

Joe frightened by the sneeze,

Left didn't feel at ease.

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A revealing x ray

Fred was waiting for an x ray,he'd hurt his hip,

The nurse in the x ray department told him to strip.

Fred took great care of his body and was really fit,

The nurse from behind a screen watched as he discarded  his kit.

"Where shall I put my clothes ,there's no sign ?"

The nurse quickly replied ,"Put them on top of mine ."

 

 

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"Mum,I don't want to go to school ! "

"Get up ,"shouted Tom's mum from the bottom of the stair,

"But I don't want to go,"shouted Tom back in despair.

"I hate the school the kids are really bad,

The teachers are terrible,when I leave I'm glad."

"I'm bored as around the school I roam,

I'd much prefer to be with you at home."

 

"You must get up and not let them rule,

Your fifty years old and the headmaster of the ...

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Bald Bob

Bob went bald like many men,

Never to grow his hair agen.

Kit a friend from the past remembered his birthday,

They'd not met for twenty years,lived far away.

 

She sent him a comb as he used to  have a good head of hair.

Not knowing now that there was nothing there.

Bob sent a note back to his old friend Kit.

"Thanks for the comb,I'll never part with it."

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Thoughts of a 95 year old

I sit on a bench and people watch,

Better than being at home with a bottle of scotch.

In watching people I feel alive,

And along with them I'm here to survive.

 

The present must be enjoyed,

Lungs,heart and liver deployed.

Fight for the future that you will love,

Enjoy your life before your call from above.

 

Life is a one way street,

Our future is there for us to ...

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A perfect marriage

Jane loved her cats she had three,

But was in a marriage ,abusive was he.

To get happy for a short time she turned to drink,

But to cure this  abusiveness she had to think.

 

One day an idea came into her brain,

Could the happiness of her cats ease her pain?

Her cats were so contented after eating their food,

Could lacing her husbands meals improve his mood?

 

So for ...

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Out of reach

Harold was a gambling man and loved to bet,

Tried to get others to participate that he met,

He went into a butcher's shop and an opportunity did arise,

"If you can reach the meat on he top shelf you win a prize."

 

"If you reach it I will give sixty quid to thee,

If not you will give the same to me ."

The butcher replied,"I'm not even going to try,

Because the steaks are fa...

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A misunderstanding at the bank

I went to the bank to draw some money,

But something happened which was really funny.

I was withdrawing money to buy a new bed,

After handing me the money the cashier said,

"Is there anything else I can do for you my love ?"

"Please can you check my balance ?"She gave me a shuv !

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Unmasked on the bus

He got on the bus no mask on his face,

The only one without,quite a disgrace .

At him ,all we mask wearers did stare,

It was obvious as he sat there,he did not care.

 

Two stops later he did get off,

As he rose to his feet he did cough !

 

 

Spreading his germs he did not stop,

As into another confined space he did pop.

His colleagues at work awaited his arrival,

...

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The defeat of dementia

As we get older our brain shrinks,

Losing its ability on how it thinks.

To use it or lose it rings  very  true,

And there are many things we can do.

To be aware of the risk factors is a good sign,

To keep it alive and avoid decline.

 

Lowering your alcohol intake is a good thing to do,

But fortunately you can still enjoy a glass or two.

Look after your heart and avoid pa...

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Is it essential to go out for a drink?

Corona virus is here to stay,

There's no sign of it going away.

Pubs are open having a ball,

Spreading the virus to one and all.

I pass a pub outside they smoke,

Laughing and spitting as they share a joke.

Many involved in a pub crawl ,

Spreading the virus to one and all.

It is impossible to drink wearing a mask,

Social distancing is a difficult task.

The more you dri...

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"I'm amazed at my power !"

Joe was racing down a road in Dover,

A blue light flashing behind made him pull over.

"You were doing well over 90 miles an hour."

"Oh my goodness,"said Joe,"I'm amazed at my power."

And then to a  shocked policeman Joe did say,

"That's amazing,I only passed my test yesterday."

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Please call again

After the funeral a bill in an envelope I did unlock,

The bill was reasonable but gave me a shock.

The bill read,"two thousand and ten,

Many thanks,please call agen."

 

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An unfinished sentence

Sam was a criminal and was caught robbing a bank.

The police arrested him,his stammer they had to thank.

Sam holding a gun couldn't say what he meant,

The cashier quickly into the back of the bank went.

She rang the police and they quickly arrested Sam,

In court  the judge into prison Sam did slam.

 

Sadly Sam died in prison before he could finish his sentence.

 

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Top Man

Joe was ambitious always wanted to do well,

But always ended up in  a dead end job nothing to tell.

He yearned for a superior position about which he could boast,

But times were tough and it was ifficult to get such a post.

 

But luck was on his side,

A job he could boast about arrived.

"I'm a security guard at a cemetry,

And I have five hundred people under me !!"

 

...

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A burial error

I left school and trained to be an undertaker,

A privilege it was to return the deceased to their Maker.

Many a sad moment I had burying the dead,

Experiencing the flow of tears from many a head.

 

The pay was good and the experience was ace,

Sadly I was sacked for burying a body in the wrong place.

 

I'd made a grave mistake !

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They passed away,she'd passed it on.Corona virus !!

She sat on the bench sad,blue eyed,

Tears flowing as she cried.

Both her grand parents had sadly gone,

"I must have had  the virus and passed it on."

 

She reflected on the symptoms she had got,

As a healthy teenager not a lot

A slight sore throat and a loss of smell,

Nothing major , didn't feel unwell.

 

"My grand parents I did adore,

No longer here they lived nex...

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Fred's dilemma

Fred faithful was a very loyal man,

Lorraine was his pretty girlfriend,he was her number one fan.

One day he went to work and found a new girl had started,

She was called Clearly,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.

 

Fred bacame besotted,it was obvious Clearly liked him too.

But he still loved Lorraine and didn't know what to do.

Fortunately as fate had it Lorraine ran away with ...

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Weather ,a poem written by a flasher called Thunder

A flasher in the sun out on the street,

When the rain fell became discreet.

Outside it was raining really hard,

He wrote this poem and became a bard.

 

"Weather is a storm or a sun in our conversation,

Gives us plenty to talk about as a nation.

I look through my window the weather's getting worse,

Oh my goodness a funeral ,wonder who's in that hearse.

 

 

Rain is s...

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Breaking news.Holiday frustration for a key worker and his wife !

"I am a key worker on holiday in Spain,

Arrived yesterday ,but now feeling  pain.

Paid twelve hundred quid for a two week stay,

My wife and I have to fly back today.

 

A coronavirus spike has produced another scare,

On our return a two week isolation after being there.

A stay at home break for us is a must,

Our holiday in Spain has lost its lust.

 

A new enforcement o...

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A bargain

My partner was looking through a magazine,

An expensive car she had seen.

"I want that,get it for me !"

So I cut it out,it was free.

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From pasture to plate

In meadows green it spends its day,

Then to the barn to pay its way.

The rent is just a pail of milk,

Rewarding the farmer with pure silk.

 

In every farm the cow will graze,

Its calmness never ceases to amaze.

But despite the music of its moo,

Few will give the beast its due.

 

As cows calmly chew their grass,

From field to plate they soon will pass.

To eat the...

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A pregnancy shock for Percy !!

Percy was a sailor and went to see his doc,

He had been at sea for a year,avoiding the Covid lock.

While he was away his wife did play,

Actively pursuing her wicked way.

"You have diagnosed my wife as being pregnant ,it can't possibly be true."

"It  is ," said the doctor ,"someone had it in for you."

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A skunk's prayer

A family of skunks were trapped in a wood,

Surrounded by a pack of wolves up to no good.

Sally the mum had to quickly think,

She ordered all the family to make a stink.

"Hands together,eyes closed ,let us spray !"

The  wolves were overcome and ran away.

 

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A flat joke

Tara was woken up by loud raps on her knocker,

Ben had been hurt at work,he was a Liverpool docker .

She arrived at the hospital in a flurry,

He was precious to her,she was full of worry.

She asked the receptionist which ward she would find poor Ben,

"Ah yes,he was flattened by a steam roller,he's in ward 8,9. and 10."

 

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Key advice

Jack always left his keys in the ignition of his car,

His dad said,"Take them out, you are at risk of losing your car."

"But dad if I take them out I might never see them again,

And besides I have a spare set ,so don't complain !"

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A grass eating opportunity

John was driving along and two men in a field he did pass,

They were both heads to the ground devouring grass.

Sitting comfortably in his many seated coach he did ask,

"Why are you both performing such a strange task?"

"We don't have enough money to keep our families well fed."

"Well come along with me then,"John said.

 

"But we both have a wife and eight little ones."

Ouit...

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How not to deal with an urinary request!!

A teacher was trying to teach manners to her all male class.

"Meeting a lady on a date,how would you tell her water you need to pass?" 

Tom said,"Please excuse me ,I'm sorry I need to go to the loo."

"Yes that's sensible,a good response from you."

Jake who was the naughtiest of the teenage bunch,

Said,"I have to shake hands with a friend,whom you'll meet after lunch."

 

The te...

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