Poetry Blog by hugh
jennifer Malden on How I solved my wife's desire for an expensive dress (12 days ago)
Jake hadn't played golf for many weeks,
A hole in one he desperately seeks.
"Dad,why are you wearing two pairs of trousers ?"asks his son.
"Just in case,"dad answered,"I get a hole in one."
Friday 14th May 2021 7:37 am
Kit went to the doctor's for some relief,
"I have a problem doctor I've become a thief !"
"That's quite serious,you could get arrested Kit ,
One question,have you taken anything for it ?"
Thursday 13th May 2021 8:09 am
Jake visits his dentist with toothache,
Dentist says,"This could be painful Jake !"
"That's okay I've dealt with plenty of pain in my life."
Dentist says,"I've been having an affair with your wife."
Monday 10th May 2021 8:40 am
Noris wanted to be a politician from day one,
For a seat on the local council he did run.
He always believed in love at first sight,
As he looked in the mirror at night.
But the mirror developed a crack and Noris a Labour supporter never won.
Sunday 9th May 2021 7:40 am
Jim went to the doctor's re something he was worried about.
"Doctor ,these measles are worrying me can you sort them out?"
"This is a private practice you'll have to give me some cash,
But I can't guarantee a cure,I never make promises that are rash."
Friday 7th May 2021 5:21 pm
Dirk was havting a problem with diarrhoea at work,
Going to the loo every 40 mins was a worry for Dirk.
A doctor asked ,"Have you had any problems with diarrhoea in the past?"
"Only once when at school and to spell it I was asked ."
Wednesday 5th May 2021 5:43 am
Police are investigating a number of dog thefts in Leeds,
And they are ,thankfully, following a number of leads
Tuesday 4th May 2021 8:44 am
There was a young man from Arnside,
Who fell down a sewer and died.
He was followed by his sister,
The sewer couldn't resist her.
And now they're in heaven side by side.
Saturday 1st May 2021 7:33 am
An elf knocked on the back door of a house,
Said,"I am so hungary I could eat a mouse."
"Go away,"said a lady,"I would never feed an elf !"
"It's all right" said the elf,"I can feed myself."
Friday 30th April 2021 9:21 am
Jane was looking for a partner and was six foot tall,
But every man she came across was too small.
But she had to give up ,good luck was not going her way,
"Better to have loved a short man than not to have loved a tall,"she did say.
Tuesday 27th April 2021 1:28 pm
My wife was looking through a catalogue of expensive dresses,
"I want that dress !"she emphatically stresses.
It was really expensive even though on offer,
So I cut it out and handed it to her.
Monday 26th April 2021 4:55 pm
"My husband is going to leave me if I don't get rid of my dog, "said Jane.
"He said the attention I was giving the dog was driving him insane.
I didn't get jealous when he spent a lot of time at the gym !
I suppose for a while, when he leaves ,I will miss him."
Sunday 25th April 2021 7:38 am
Jane was late for school again,
"Teacher said,"For being late you must refrain !"
"I sprained my ankle sir,I'm in pain !
"That's a really lame excuse Jane!!"
Saturday 24th April 2021 8:57 am
"We were a family of eight,
Dad frequently came home late.
Every morning off to work dad would go,
He was a baker we definitely needed the dough.
Poverty was rampant in our house,
Food was scarce ,there was only one mouse.
Scrambled egg mum would serve as round the table we would sit,
One egg she would place leaving us all to scramble for it.
Unfortunately dad s...
Friday 23rd April 2021 7:53 am
Two pigeons were flying over town,
Outside Greggs lots of treats they put down.
Full to the brim, much excreta they needed to dispel,
At a car showroom they placed their deposits on the cars they did sell.
Thursday 22nd April 2021 9:47 am
It was Fred's first day at work,
At the entrance his manager did lurk.
He handed Fred a large broom,
And said,"Welcome to the hotel, brush out every room."
"But I'm a graduate and to do that wouldn't be the norm !"
"Then hand me the broom and I'll show you how to perform."
Wednesday 21st April 2021 6:40 am
An elderly millionaire falls in love with a young girl,
Decides to propose and buy her a ring with an expensive pearl.
"Do you think if I tell her I'm fifty five she will say yes?"
"Best to tell her your eighty,your chances will be better I guess."
Monday 19th April 2021 8:17 am
Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,
Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.
Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark,,
"Only one kiss per yard,"smirked the young male clerk.
"That's fine I'll take ten yards,"said smiling Jill,
And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.
Thursday 15th April 2021 7:38 am
Jane and John have been married for thirty years,
Their secret for a happy marriage they reveal without any fears.
Twice a week they go out to eat,
Friends and family they both meet.
Jane goes out with them on a Monday,
John goes out with them on a Friday.
Monday 12th April 2021 9:08 am
Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh a hero of mine,
Passed away this week at the age of ninety nine.
He was Her Majesty's strength and stay,
Devastating to think he's passed away !
He was always at the heart of national life,
A star for our country and a support for his wife.
The monarchy's champion always looking ahead,
Hardworking,as sharp as a pin,extremely well read....
Sunday 11th April 2021 6:58 am
"Mummy,I love going to school,my teacher does inspire,
But mummy,the children are so cruel,they think you are a vampire !"
"A vampire I am definitely not,
Eat your soup before it will clot !"
Friday 9th April 2021 7:35 am
My dog I really like,
But he chases anybody on a bike.
So to avoid any future affray,
I've had to take his bike away.
Thursday 8th April 2021 7:55 am
A neighbourhood is in shock,many have cried,
An 85 year old grandma mauled by two dogs sadly died.
Two pitbull type animals got into her garden through a fence,
Dragged her along her garden,sadly there was no defence.
A heartbreaking tragedy ,the family are in pieces,
Both dogs have been destroyed ,police information releases.
My thoughts are with the family of a much loved...
Wednesday 7th April 2021 6:32 am
The rubbish men were just leaving my road,
I ran after them with more waste to load.
"Am I too late for the rubbish ?"I asked the men,
"No jump right in,"answered one of them.
Tuesday 6th April 2021 7:23 am
My friend said she was going to cycle ten miles a day,
To lose the pounds and to feel better she did say.
She's done as she said and lost quite a lot,
Four weeks into her cycle,a text, 280 miles away I got.
Monday 5th April 2021 8:45 am
Jim took off his pullover he was getting really hot.
Out drinking with his mates,many comments he got.
"Jim how long have you been wearing that bra under your pullover ?"
"Ever since my wife found it on the back seat of my Range Rover."
Sunday 4th April 2021 7:59 am
His teeth were like the stars above,
Clear, shiny and really bright.
And just like the stars above,
His teeth came out at night.
Saturday 3rd April 2021 9:03 am
A policeman arrested a man for going the wrong way round a roundabout.
"I don't know how driving round the wrong way came about !
Put your spectacles on before you go !"
"I have contacts !"
"I don't care who you know ! "
A shipment of viagra went missing last week,
Two hardened criminals the police do seek.
Thieves have broken into a police station ,all the toilets ...
Friday 2nd April 2021 9:57 am
Lenny a three year old,was in distress,he'd swallowed a penny,
Fortunately this sort of thing doesn't happen to many.
To alleviate the little lad's fear,
Dad pretended to pull a penny from Lenny's ear
In a flash the penny was grabbed and swallowed by the lad,
Who delightfully demanded,"Do it again dad !"
Wednesday 31st March 2021 5:33 am
Kit was suffering a receding hair line,
Many men were balding things would be fine.
A long lost friend sent a comb as a gift to Kit,
Kit sent a text of appreciation,"Thanks,I'll never part with it !"
Tuesday 30th March 2021 4:16 am
Jenny rang her mum in the middle of the night,
"Mum, Tom and I have had a fearful fight !"
"Jenny ,differences happen in all marriages to everybdy."
"But mum,I'm really worried,what am I going to do with his body ?"
Monday 29th March 2021 8:42 am
Joe went past an assylum where the inmates did shout and scream,
Joe looked over the fence and heard them shouting , "sixteen,sixteen."
Suddenly a shower of milk from the assylum landed on Joe's head,
And the counting happily changed to ,"seventeen,seventeen,"instead.
Sunday 28th March 2021 4:04 pm
We Welsh are over the moon with our six nations win,
What an exciting run of play it has bin.!!!!!
Thankyou Scotland for beatng France,
For your last minute try ,with joy we did dance.
France kept our celebrations, a mystery on ice,
But in an empty French stadium our cake got covered in spice.
Diolch yn fawr iawn.
Saturday 27th March 2021 6:51 am
Jim drained all the water out of his swimming pool,
His wife said,"Why are you doing that you fool ?"
"I'm doing it on a whim,
I want to practise diving but I can't swim !"
Friday 26th March 2021 5:38 pm
A captain was in a panic when his ship was about to sink,
"Women and children off first ," he did think.
"Why out of your brain that decision you did pull ?"
"When the men did jump",captain said, "the sharks would be full "
Friday 26th March 2021 8:48 am
Joe was addicted to drugs and with his friends did share,
Taking him on a temporary scenic route ,ending up nowhere.
Discipline as a child was light,to be SMACKED was a might,
Well,but for one or two grams to get him to sleep at night.
Thursday 25th March 2021 9:05 am
Don was a very mean man,
"Put your coat on ,I'm going out Ann ."
"Oh,"said Ann,"are you taking me out eating ?"
"No I'm going out for a drink and turning off the heating."
Wednesday 24th March 2021 6:26 am
"When I was brought up times were hard,
We had two chickens who laid eggs in our yard.
Mum put scrambled eggs on the table for us to eat,
We would scramble to get them with our feet.
A boiled egg is hard to beat but easy to crack,
Devouring the scrambled,for the boiled we went back.
The walls of our terraced were so thin,
Peeling our onions,neighbours would cry when in....
Tuesday 23rd March 2021 6:28 am
Sue was in church with her husband Jade,
He whispered,"A silent passing of wind I have just made,
What do you think I should do ?"
"Put a new battery in your hearing aid !"said Sue.
Monday 22nd March 2021 6:06 am
Bernadette was Bill's old flame,
She had been his perfect dame.
Their relationship however came to an end,
Lighting fires became an addiction she couldn't end.
She frequently burnt the toast,
And letters that came through the post.
She set fire to all the bills she did get,
That's why she became known as "burn a debt ".
Saturday 20th March 2021 6:21 am
Dog thefts are on the up,
More so if you have a pup.
Be weary of posting pictures of your pet online,
Tags which show where you live ,to dognappers shine.
Avoid leaving your dog outside a shop alone,
More valuable to a thief than a mobile phone.
Easier to entice with a meaty treat,
The trauma of a dognap you don't want to meet
After drugs it's guns then pups,
Friday 19th March 2021 7:25 am
Kit was at ASDA with her sister.
Kit was a prolific shoplifter.
She had been caught before by security there,
On seeing her ,security on their cameras did stare.
Passing the biscuits she put a few in her bag,
And at the book section a book she did grab.
She was arrested on the way out,
She had been shoplifting without any doubt.
Afterwards to her doctor her sister...
Thursday 18th March 2021 9:31 am
I bought a crocodile in a sale,
A bossy long tailed male.
He was expensive cost quite a lot,
Spent my money,all I'd got.
I took him home ,he had a nap,
Woke up suddenly and had a snap.
A burglar broke in and confronted my mum,
And ended up in my crocodile's tum.
Yum,yum,the burglar was his first feed,
To devour the burglar was his good deed.
Wednesday 17th March 2021 7:14 am
Violence against women must be cut out,
Punishment dispelled in schools when boys flout.
The crime starts at an early age,
When some boys, brutally savage girls in a rage.
Jealousy and bullying steps in,
When boys using strength decide they must win.
Girls have been designed to be multitask,loving and lacking in muscle,
A minority of boys miss use their strength to win i...
Tuesday 16th March 2021 7:02 am
Jake to please his mum on mother's day did try,
"What would you like mum before you die ?"
"Some care and love before I pass away."
So he booked her into a care home next day.
The care and attention she got was just great,
Jake in his prison cell was a happy inmate.
Sunday 14th March 2021 10:36 am
Constant cold calls can drive you insane,
I tell them ,"Can't speak to you now I'm flying my plane,
Give me your home number and I'll ring you back tonight."
They immediately hang up and like me take flight.
Sunday 14th March 2021 6:39 am
"I had reached my level of patience and had nothing more to give,
I was overwhelmed with problems and losing the will to live.
The problem of juggling work and schooling kept stressing,
My three children going back to school was a blessing..
With mounting stress ,I was losing my ability to cope,
Their return to school brought a future of relief and hope.
To meet their frie...
Saturday 13th March 2021 8:21 am
Sid had a gleaming white smile,
Was out on a date with Abagile.
She asked,"Are they all your own teeth Sid?"
"They should be they cost me a thousand quid."
Friday 12th March 2021 3:36 pm
Jack and Jill were to meet in Australia,
Jack sent a text,"Looking forward to meet ya."
Unfortunately the text went to the widow of a man who had just died.
Jack booked a room at a hotel and sent a second text from the other side.
The poor woman hears a click on her phone and the message is read,
She screams and in shock drops dead !
The text mistakenly sent read," Looking ...
Thursday 11th March 2021 6:01 am
The interview was televised on Women's Independence Day,
When Meghan and Harry had their say.
They spilled the beans in a jaw dropping interview,
Bombshell after bombshell we began to view.
Meghan just didn't want to live she did report,
She felt controlled,trapped without support.
Her mental health was way below the norm,
A wet and windy interview which started a storm....
Tuesday 9th March 2021 8:23 am