Tags from last 12 months

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Sabina Nessa R.I.P. Our gender violence epidemic is a disgrace !!

Five minutes from home Sabina Nessa walking in the dark,

Was savagely murdered by a complete stranger in a park.

Hidden under a pile of leaves discovered by a dog walker,

 Indiscriminately attacked  by an unknown  male stalker.

 

Women and girls deserve to feel safe at all times,

But are being subjected to an intensity of crimes.

Male violence is killing women and restricting ...

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Plastic surgery !!

Jane a prolific shopper loved to spend,

But sadly this had to come to an end.

Jane underwent plastic surgery and found it hard,

Her husband lost his job and cancelled her credit card.

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Diarrhoea

Jim went to the  doctor's,his problem was diarrhoea.

Doctor asked,"Any previous problems with your rear?"

"No doctor I exercise every day and I'm really fit.

Oh I did have a problem once ,at school,I couldn't spell it."

 

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Domestic abuse !!

"Doctor, my wooden leg keeps giving me a terrible pain,

It's really bad it's driving me insane ! "

"Don't be silly a wooden leg can't possibly give you pain."

"It can doctor,my wife keeps hitting me with it again and again !!

 

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Hair despair !!

When Jim  married Claire ,she was blonde,

But something happened which broke the bond.

"Your hair colour has changed Claire ,it was brown,

I feel as if you have disappointedly let me down !

Now I am married to a girl with dark brown hair,

I'm going to sue you for a BLEACH of promise Claire !!"

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7000 steps a day could cut your risk of dying by 70 percent

To walk 7000 steps a day is my intent,

Cuts my risk of dying by 70 percent.

Plans for walking the equivalent of 3 miles a day I have made.

Making it much less likely to die in the next decade.

 

Taking more than 10000 steps a day did not result in a further risk of dying.

So keeping to a sensible step rate I am constantly trying.

I sometimes think about my sedentary peers,

...

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Emma Raducanu , a fairy tale

 

A saturday spectacular,the biggest for some time,

Prompted me to watch and put pen to rhyme.

Raducanu and Fernandez in the final were to meet,

The 18 and 19 year old served up a treat.

 

Canadian born  of Chineese and Romanian decent,

In pursuit of a £1.8 million prize Raducanu went.

Ranked at 150 entering the U.S. Open she did go,

Unearthing a deep talent the world di...

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The funding to create more G.P.'s and nurses is not enough !!

Doctors on a hundred grand a year,

Are being stretched beyond endurance I fear.

A problem lies ahead for the N.H.S.

A third of G.P. 's will quit due to stress.

 

Verbal abuse due to frustration is the norm,

Being unable to get a face to face appointment will create a storm.

The number of fully qualified G.P's is falling,

A 50% face to face consultation to many  is appalling...

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Ban assisted dying and keep us all alive

Positive views on assisted dying is at a high,

A majority of doctors believe we should help the terminally ill to die.

Currently all forms of assisted dying in the U.K. is  a NO.

But a bill through Parliament permitting doctors to kill is soon to go !!!!

 

Some say there is nothing positive about agony.

But fighting the pain and surviving seems okay to me.

14 percent of suicid...

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Patterdale Worship

Patterdale Worship

 

Speed, stamina, bravery, comaraderie and strength,

And for me a human, Olly will go to any length.

A tough  and sturdy terrier without a flaw,

Smart, strong and  loyal with a powerful jaw.

 

Energetic, courageous, devoted and fast,

Happy, grateful, obedient, long may he last.

Loves running off the lead to sniff, excrete and play,

Exercising with O...

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Finding Hope

As around Manchester I did mope,

I was handed a leaflet which brought me hope.

My mountain bike was stollen in Padiham  last July,

Securely chained up in Tesco,I did cry.

A claude butler cape wrath in black,

Please God help me get it back.

 

How precious oh Lord is your love,

Please help me find it from above.

I find protection under the shadow of your wings,

Joy to m...

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A farmer's wife makes a pig mistake.

A farmer's wife sent a letter to school which said,

"Please excuse my son from school,as his father is ill and the pig has to be fed."

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"I hate school !!!!"

"You should have been here at 9 o'clock !"

"Oh no, have I missed anything ?"said Jock.

"I went to the hospital with my friend Paul,

He sprained his ankle after a fall."

 

"Your lying again I don't think it's true,

It's a lame excuse I don't believe you !

You have been neglecting your appearance things look bleak..

You haven't appeared in school all week !!"

 

"I look ...

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Bulldog for sale

Moving from my house to a flat,

No dogs allowed but can have a cat.

I put an ad in the paper ,"Bulldog for sale.

Will eat anything.Very fond of children .Male."

No response to the advert as yet,

Would appreciate any advice I do get .

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Disappointment

A teacher leaving her class,

Said,"Tomorrow is going to be my last."

"Will you be disappointed "?she said to Ray.

"Yes,"said Ray,"I thought you were leaving  today."

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Pandemic pandemonium

Nail salons,hair salons and waxing centres are bare,

Things are getting really ugly out there.

I got the covid jab in my left arm yesterday,

Can't shut up about it,a covid side effect which won''t go away.

I was told a coronavirus joke by my friend Kit,

But it took three weeks for me to get it.

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A funeral request

An old man who was dying asked his wife,

"Do you mind sitting next to my sister at the end of my life?"

His wife who couldn't stand his sister,said"Okay,

But I hope you realise,it will definitely spoil my day !"

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An amazing hearing aid !!

Jane had just bought an amazing hearing aid,'twas the size of a pea.

"It's amazing,it will make such a difference to me."

"Was it very expensive?"asked her husband Jock.

"It fits neatly into my ear,It's nearly three o' clock."

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Lost for words !

Fred told Jim he hadn't spoken to his wife for days.

Jim says to Fred,"To discuss the problem sometimes pays.

How did the problem initially errupt?"

"When she spoke I just didn't like to interrupt !"

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A conversation between a husband and wife

"Wonder Woman come here !"

"Why did you call me Wonder Woman my dear?"

"From the moment I said I do,

I wondered why I married you !"

 

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A hole in one

Jake hadn't played golf for many weeks,

A hole in one he desperately seeks.

"Dad,why are you wearing two pairs of trousers ?"asks his son.

"Just in case,"dad answered,"I get a hole in one."

 

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A thieving problem !

Kit went to the doctor's for some relief,

"I have a problem doctor I've become a thief !"

"That's quite serious,you could get arrested Kit ,

One question,have you taken anything for it ?"

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A painful visit to the dentist

Jake visits his dentist with toothache,

Dentist says,"This could be painful Jake !"

"That's okay I've dealt with plenty of pain in my life."

Dentist says,"I've been having an affair with your wife."

 

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A crack in the Labour mirror

Noris wanted to be a politician from day one,

For a seat on the local council he did run.

He always believed in love at first sight,

As he looked in the mirror at night.

But the mirror developed a crack and Noris a Labour supporter never won.

 

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A rash promise

Jim went to the doctor's re something he was worried about.

"Doctor ,these measles are worrying me can you sort them out?"

"This is a private practice you'll have to give me some cash,

But I can't guarantee a cure,I never make promises that are rash."

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Diarrhoea !!

Dirk was havting a problem with diarrhoea at work,

Going to the loo every 40 mins was a worry for Dirk.

A doctor asked ,"Have you had any problems with diarrhoea in the past?"

"Only once when  at school and to spell it I was asked ."

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Dog thefts

Police are investigating a number of dog thefts in Leeds,

And they are ,thankfully, following a number of leads

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Sad Saturday sewer story

There was a young man from Arnside,

Who fell down a sewer and died.

He was followed by his sister,

The sewer couldn't resist her.

And now they're  in heaven side by side.

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Elf service

An elf knocked on the back door of a house,

Said,"I am so hungary I could eat a mouse."

"Go away,"said a lady,"I would never feed an elf !"

"It's all right" said the elf,"I can feed myself."

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Jane's hunt for a tall man falls short

Jane was looking for a partner and was six foot tall,

But every man she came across was too small.

But she had to give up ,good luck was not going her way,

"Better to have loved a short man than not to have loved a tall,"she did say.

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How I solved my wife's desire for an expensive dress

My wife was looking through a catalogue of expensive dresses,

"I want that dress !"she emphatically stresses.

It was really expensive even though on offer,

So I cut it out and handed  it to her.

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We love our pets

"My husband is going to leave me if I don't get rid of my dog, "said Jane.

"He said the attention I was giving the dog was driving him insane.

I didn't get jealous when he spent a lot of time at the gym !

I suppose for a while, when he leaves ,I will miss him."

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Late for school !

Jane was late for school again,

"Teacher said,"For being late you must refrain !"

"I sprained my ankle sir,I'm in pain !

"That's a really lame excuse Jane!!"

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"R.I.P. dad ,"by Percy his son

"We were a family of eight,

Dad frequently came home late.

Every morning off to work dad would go,

He was a baker we definitely needed the dough.

 

Poverty was rampant in our house,

Food was scarce ,there was only one mouse.

 Scrambled egg mum would serve as round the table we would  sit,

One egg she would place leaving us all to scramble for it.

 

Unfortunately dad s...

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Placing deposits on cars

Two pigeons were flying over town,

Outside Greggs lots of treats they put down.

Full to the brim, much excreta they needed to dispel,

 At a car showroom they placed their deposits on the cars they did  sell.

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Fred gets the brush

It was Fred's first day at work,

At the entrance his manager did lurk.

He handed Fred a large broom,

And said,"Welcome to the hotel, brush out every room."

"But I'm a graduate and to  do that wouldn't be the norm !"

"Then hand me the broom and I'll show you how to perform."

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Age definitely does matter

An elderly millionaire falls in love with a young girl,

Decides to propose and buy her a ring with an expensive pearl.

"Do you think  if I tell her I'm fifty five she will say yes?"

"Best to tell her your eighty,your chances will be better I guess."

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Deal with a kiss

Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,

Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.

Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark,,

"Only one kiss per yard,"smirked the young male clerk.

"That's fine I'll take ten yards,"said smiling Jill,

And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.

 

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The secret of a happy marriage

Jane and John have been married for thirty years,

Their  secret for a  happy marriage they reveal without any fears.

Twice a week they go out to eat,

Friends and family they both meet.

Jane goes out with them  on a Monday,

John goes out with them on a  Friday.

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An outpouring of grief for Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh 1921-2021

Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh a hero of mine,

Passed away this week at the age of ninety nine.

He was Her Majesty's strength and stay,

Devastating to think he's passed away !

 

He was always at the heart of national life,

A star for our country and a support for his  wife.

The monarchy's champion always looking ahead,

Hardworking,as sharp as a pin,extremely well read.

...

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A mum accused of being a vampire

"Mummy,I love going to school,my teacher does inspire,

But mummy,the children are so cruel,they think you are a vampire !"

"A vampire I am definitely not,

Eat your soup before it will clot !"

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A dangerous cycle thwarted

My dog I really like,

But he chases anybody on a bike.

So to avoid any future affray,

I've had to take his bike away.

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A much loved 85 year old grandma mauled by two dogs on Good Friday has sadly died

A neighbourhood is in shock,many have cried,

An 85 year old grandma mauled by two dogs  sadly died.

Two pitbull type animals got into her garden through a fence,

Dragged her along her garden,sadly there was no defence.

 

A heartbreaking tragedy ,the family are in pieces,

Both dogs have been destroyed ,police information releases.

My thoughts are with the family of a much loved...

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Rubbish !!

The rubbish men were just leaving my road,

I ran after them with more waste to load.

"Am I too late for the rubbish  ?"I asked the men,

"No jump right in,"answered one of them.

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She was on a 4 week cycle

My friend said she was going to cycle ten miles a day,

To lose the pounds and to feel better she did say.

She's done as she said and lost quite a lot,

Four weeks into her cycle,a text, 280 miles away I got.

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A cover up

Jim took off his pullover he was getting really hot.

Out drinking with his mates,many comments he got.

"Jim how long have you been wearing that bra under your pullover ?"

"Ever since my wife found it on the back seat of my Range Rover."

 

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False teeth

His teeth were like the stars above,

Clear, shiny and really bright.

And just like the stars above,

His teeth came out at night.

 

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Crime Update

A policeman arrested a man for going the wrong way round a roundabout.

"I don't know how driving round the wrong way came about !

Put  your spectacles on before you go !"

"I have contacts !"

"I don't care who you know ! "

 

A shipment of viagra went missing last week,

Two hardened criminals the police do seek.

 

Thieves have broken into a police station ,all the toilets ...

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When Lenny swallowed a penny

Lenny a three year old,was in distress,he'd swallowed a penny,

Fortunately this sort of thing doesn't happen to many.

To alleviate  the little lad's  fear,

Dad pretended to pull a penny from  Lenny's ear

In a flash the penny was grabbed and swallowed by the lad,

Who delightfully demanded,"Do it again dad !"

 

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A parting gift !!

Kit was suffering a receding hair line,

Many men were balding things would be fine.

A long lost friend sent a comb as a gift  to Kit,

Kit sent a text of appreciation,"Thanks,I'll never part with it !"

 

 

 

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