Frustration pouring out of me like flying daggers; hitting the target but not the true source. Truth is I’m mad at God. Dare I say it and let the saints attack. Its ok, that’s all they know how to do. Whew Lord, it’s been a hard day, week, year, and life. I’m already falling under this strife. I been killing it with a praise, and I still got my hands up raised. Pushing threw and giving back, falling under the attack. I don’t even know the source, all I know is each time it feels worse. Believe me I know the verses to say and the power of the black girl magic, but this situation seems tragic. I’ve been here so many times I know exactly what to do. Cry, pray, pick up the pieces, and see it through. Again and again in a cycle that won’t let me go. I smile and keep on moving but truth is I’m tired of losing in the name of Christ.

          Fighting the feeling to lash out as life beats my ass, picks me up, and dumps my dreams in the trash. Counting my blessing and not learning a single lesson. Keep on reading that Bible, remembering the verses, forgiving and forgetting and the such. Wondering why believing in Christ hurts so much. You saying I can’t ask why? I can’t question the Creator about the hurt inflicted on His creation? I can’t get my reparation for all them years on the plantation? I can’t question the Word that I don’t understand even though it is the interpretation through man? That sounds like a recipe for failure. But I’ll let that pass. I’ll ride it out like the block is hot and I need to chill for a minute. Gather my thoughts before I say something that will ruin my fate, kick me out of heaven, and banish me to that lake. I’m supposed to enjoy the fire of refinement but fear the fire of eternity. I can’t tell which is worse, hell it all hurts.

          I’ve been told the trials and tribulations make me strong, bring me closer to God, and give God the glory. I can’t say that’s a true story. It’s not my reality and it must be something new to see. I can’t say the punishment or pain really ever feels good. I’m living in this Holy prison and we all know prison don’t reform you. They only lock you away. Keep you from moving forward and being great. But I’m supposed to bear the weight of Holy indignation in order to live out the purpose and believe the Bible is a true story. I have to admit some days I wonder if it's all true and if the voices I hear really are You. Does the Lord take the time to chat with me or am I giving voice to what I want to be? Is it my imagination running wild and free? Is that why nothing that I hear comes to be? Things that make you go hmm. Things that make your mind go boom.

          I lost it and I let go. I ran away from the faith. I don’t want this purpose anymore. Nothing on earth should hurt this much. Nothing I have to give will ever touch the world enough to matter, take away the hate, or help anyone climb that ladder. Yes I said it and I’m not ashamed to tell it like I feel it. I took off the mask of pushing that Holy story. It’s not like they said it would be and I don’t feel like it made a better me. I use to pursue it like the Ark of the Covenant. Protecting and preaching the purpose of the pain. I use to think there would be a harvest after the rain. After years and years of barren fields, I wondered if the living waters truly heal. I keep hoping that its true. I mean what else can I do?  You should see me pouting and praying, cussing and slaying in the name of Christ, living in sin and calling on Christ again. I’m on the edge of greatness. I’m right at the moment before the moment. I’m in the shadow of the light trying to find a reason to fight.

          I wish I could tell you that everyday is sunshine and lollipops, but that would be a lie. Many days I just wanted to die under the pressure of living for Christ. Wanting God to help me. I mean Jesus already paid the price, so why am I still paying it too. I think I sat in them pews too long trying to harness that power and believe that story. What do I do now that I’m hooked into the madness and no matter how hard I try something, Someone, keeps holding me back. Something, Someone, won’t let me go. Something, Someone won’t let me quit, but hey can You take a few of these hits? I’m just saying and you know you feel it too. Lord, what else do you want me to do? I’m trying to prove to you that I trust you, but I can’t say that I know how. They don’t  teach that in church and all they want is for me to submit. Do what I say and not what I do. I’m not made like that and Lord You know that’s true.

          I’ll give it one more try, but Lord You have to do something or I’m saying my last goodbye. Yes I said it and don’t start leaving them scriptures in my comments and telling me what I need to do. I’m being honest and if you were you would have told me the truth. Stop telling people that believing is easy and Christ will see you through. Some days I wonder if God took a nap and forgot that Jesus already rose from the cross. This punishment is not necessary. I get it and I’m ready to move on. Let it go God and try something new. I mean Jesus tell God what You did for me so He can see that I’m ready to live and that my sins He said he would forgive. Yall think I’m playing, but I’m as serious as the next attack waiting to happen. Whew I need a minute to catch my breath and regroup from the battle raging around me. If I’m lost, I thought by now the Lord would have found me. I’m not hard to see. I’m the one on my knees crying every night trying to regroup after another attack.

          Wish me well and hope to see me free. Lord, find me and show me how to be great before it’s too late. I heard that lake is hot as fire and I’m not thinking that’s my last wish and desire.