Letter from My Heart to God

Everything that I use to sooth my weary mind becomes a stumbling block. Reading, writing, worship, daydreaming, all killed by frustration and agitation. I need something to make the voices cease. I need a little time alone in peace. Lord, I’m left standing alone and wounded. When will my affliction stop? When will my mind be my own again? Free from dread, free from fear, free from worry, anxiety and pressure. When will the voices just be one voice, Your voice? I want to hear it loud, clear, and thunderous above all the chaos. I’m listening for the power of Your direction. When can I stop fighting the thoughts, doubts, and fears? Where is my miracle, favor, or saving grace? I just want to escape from this empty lonely place. Where are You Lord? You said the battle is not mine. I surrendered again and again, but this battle I can’t seem to win. Shadows surround me, silencing my screams. I’m lost in a vortex of possible doom. The battlefield of the mind is taking over. I’m calling for a rescue. Capture every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Make them go far away. Tell them to leave me alone. I just want to be OK.

I’m laying down my wants and desires, so I can be refined in the fire. Burn away the hate, horror, and disgrace. Melt the cold places in my soul. Warm my heart and ignite my mind. Give it a bold, beautiful identity. Let it blossom and flourish in the new day light. Give it more than enough knowledge to survive, make it strong enough to fight. Where are you Lord in this season? Why do I feel so lost even as I seek You in every possible way? Why do you allow the darkness so much access to my heart and mind? If my sins are forgiven, why do I feel such pain and pressure as if I am being punished for not praying enough, not worshiping enough, not being enough. Where are you Lord in my confusion? I read your Word, but I don’t feel Your touch and I wonder if You really love me so much. I try to understand the trials and tribulations, but the madness intensifies the situation.

I want to be forever changed. I want to experience the undeniable glory. No room for maybes. I can’t keep wondering if it’s true, if it’s You, or if it’s real. I need an encounter that sadness can’t steal. I need a window of opportunity that only God can give to me. No faking and frontin’. No flossin’ and stuntin’. I need a miracle that is real as rain and forever mine. I want a one of a kind experience and truth that knocks on my door. You said if I knocked You would answer.  You said You would give me beauty for ashes. Here I am Lord, make me beautiful.

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◄ Just Another Thursday, Bearing the Hurt

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