(For the girl who haunts my dreams still)

 

Dear Daddy,

 

Not that you'd care, but

All that I wanted 

was to make you proud

But, I was too stupid

Too fat

Too loud

 

All you ever did 

was bring me down

I was your scar

Your permanent frown

 

I was your verbal punchbag

In your whiskey fuelled state

Never felt like your child 

Just a vessel for hate

 

Yet, while you were sleeping

I would still kiss your face

And imagine you loved me

Not be your disgrace

 

I think I reminded you 

too much of her 

The void that she left

you filled with despair

 

I was so desperate to feel 

that I was a part

Of you and your life

And had a place in your heart

 

But, you never let me in

Only pushed me away

Your vile rhetoric 

Would always hold sway

 

And I know

 

You never raised a fist to me

But you beat me psychologically

You sucked the joy from out my mind

Replaced it with a world unkind

 

I beat my face

I cut my skin

In the hope your arms 

Would draw me in

 

But, they never did

And never will

My lonely world

Such a bitter pill

 

And on my darkest, bleakest night

My mind collapsed, gave up the fight

Consumed by guilt for being born

When in my grave, would Daddy mourn?

 

In the bathtub I lay 

pressing razor to vein 

A beckoning exit 

to this sad life of shame

 

But, upon the water, 

still clear and warm

Rippled an image 

of a brand-new dawn 

 

Reaching in through the window

spread red/golden hue

Like ethereal threads 

of shimmering renew

A cocoon of light 

emblazoned my skin

A butterfly emerging 

from deep within

 

I rose

 

Like melting diamonds water flowed 

In shimmering light, a gift bestowed

My mind uprooted for new abode

 

   Stepping out of the bathtub,

I shed my old skin

A cleansing of soul

and self-proclaimed sin

Somehow I found clarity 

entwined with such hope

My slumbering state, 

at long last awoke

 

Standing there, 

naked, autonomous, unafraid

A fire now burning 

where only ashes had lay

 

I felt

 

Anticipation

    Determination

      No longer Daddy's malignant creation 

 

Time for regeneration…

 

Over my shoulder, 

I caught the shadow of me

Of that, which I would no-longer be

It billowed and flailed 

like fog from the sea

Then dissolved into nothing

And, I knew I was free!

 

Daddy,

 

I know not where you are, 

or even, if you still breathe

But my children and I, 

is the legacy you leave

And when they ask of you, 

I flatter to deceive 

Not a shred of darkness 

from my mind I retrieve

 

So, if one night 

you happen to gaze up high

Take in the glittering moonlit sky

Let your eyes travel deep and far 

And there you'll see 

the brightest of stars

This is where you'll find us

This is where we are

Then, at last, you'll know

 

I'm no-longer your scar.

 

.