Satire (Remove filter)
Once upon a time in a vest
There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green
The pianola’s full of holes
The Man with No Name’s
Got a Zimmer frame
And a tray of sausage rolls
He’s a High Plains drifter
Not from round here
The strong and silent type
Got a dance partner, can’t lift her
They practice moves on Skype
At the monthly hoedown
At the nursing home
He wears a felt ten-gallon hat
It’s ...
Wednesday 22nd November 2023 6:19 pm
Somewhere close to Westminster Bridge, October 2023, lines written on hearing of a new presenter on GB News.
Earth has not anything to show more shit
Mad would she be of soul who could watch it
A sight so tragic, such a travesty
This chancer now doth, like a varmint wear
The mask of a presenter, barefaced stare
Scandal, pandemic, the litany of lies
Indifferent, callous, let bodies pile high
Wittering trivia to the poisoned air
Never did one so manifestly seep
Self important ...
Saturday 28th October 2023 9:10 am
DIY Man
There’s a Viking Warrior around the back
With a multi-tool and a Power Pack
Keeps nuts and bolts in a padlocked sack
He’s a DIY Man, he’s building a shack
With his manic ScrewFix lust
He’ll transform that hedge into dust
It makes no odds, he’s not fussed
He’s a DIY Man, born to rust
He wears a John Deere branded shirt
Recharges himself when he feels inert
Wa...
Tuesday 24th October 2023 11:03 pm
Not Everybody Likes Poetry
Blank look
Dead eyes
Not impressed nor surprised
Flamboyant flare reveals a double rainbow
Spotted gazelle prances on a dewy field
Zero fucks is what they give it, still
Dear Poet
Not everybody likes poetry
It’s a matter of their wiring
You’re okay
This truth is best to have been found
Earth still spins us round and round
© Candi...
Saturday 23rd October 2021 11:02 pm
The Big Boss
The Big Boss
My manager is a locust brain
He doesn’t know what he’s doing
My manager is a locust brain
The job is kaos when he’s in charge here
My manager is a locust brain
Production takes a dip under him
My manager is a locust brain
He got the job by kissing arses
My manager is a locust brain
The supervisor is much more skilled
...
Tuesday 28th September 2021 3:26 am
Different Days
Different Days
A day like no other for several reasons
I found out my wife is a man with a hidden penis
A day like no other for several reasons
For somebody stole the engine from my car
A day like no other for several reasons
Due to me falling into the river and drowning
A day like no other for several reasons
As my credit card was cloned three time...
Tuesday 28th September 2021 3:22 am
Crocodile tears
How could I,
The double-faced
WHO’s current leader,
On par with
A chieftain
Brigade general,
Tightlipped attend
My diabolic
Party’s funeral?
Though for
My criminal
Party’s tragic end,
Bereaved,
I have to sob,
I must labor
To garner
The pity of
The credulous, elites
As well as
The mob
Round the globe.
At the same time
Dollars I have
To underwrite
In a bid remaining
...
Tuesday 16th February 2021 2:13 pm
A Valentine for our time
A bit of light wordplay written pre Trump's eviction to lighten my mood whilst watching what seemed to be a love race to failure between leaders.
Prologue
Two households, both alack in dignity,
(In fair Corona, where we lay our scene),
Where ancient men come under new scrutiny,
And touching handles leaves civil hands unclean,
From forth the fatal grip of this new f...
Saturday 13th February 2021 7:07 pm
MR PRESIDENT(NO FAKE NEWS)
MR PRESIDENT (NO FAKE NEWS) OFFICIAL VIDEO BY FREDO VIOLA
MR PRESIDENT (NO FAKE NEWS)
There’s a war going on and on and on and on
There’s a war going on and on and on and on
Mr President Mr Chairman
the world is not your apocalypse
&
you are no saviours
&
peace
is not
a bargaining chip
&
missiles
are not
golf clubs or basketballs
&
murder by missi...
Sunday 15th November 2020 8:48 am
Cyclone
Hey, let me stop a cyclone!
It may knock down my kingdom
made of my own
convictions,
beliefs,
thoughts,
ideas,
powers,
establishments,
and most importantly,
my dear ego,
everything of my own,
my life,
my rules.
Please help me stop it,
lest it shouldn't pave the way
for a new creation
where, I'm afraid,
what if I couldn't be a centre?
Friday 5th June 2020 9:11 am
Door bell
Who is there
ringing my door bell
since half an hour?
I don't have time
to attend you
and your ballad.
Rather, I don't like
to pay attention
to something smarter.
Oh, I may like you
if you'll chat with me
on groceries and vegetables,
but I can't spare
my precious time
upon intellectual matters!
Please, don't judge me
for my knowledge
beyond ignorance.
If yo...
Wednesday 3rd June 2020 9:22 am
HELL, NO!
Two apes having a head-to-head:
"It's friggin' absurd!" one of them said,
"Eight million species inhabit this earth,
Balancing nature and proving their worth;
But look at those creatures that are called 'man':
Ruining our planet as fast as they can;
They've polluted our air and poisoned the seas;
Their revolting habits cause death by disease!
Some of them perish with nothin...
Friday 16th August 2019 6:35 pm
Comedy Hitler
COMEDY HITLER
Comedy Hitler?
Freddie Starr? Charlie Chaplin?
No - Nigel Farage
Thursday 23rd May 2019 4:51 pm
Recipe For Disaster
Recipe For Disaster
Make sure you’ve got a big bowl.
OK, we’re ready to commence.
Take a pinch of honesty,
add an ounce of common sense,
stir in bloody mindedness,
gently fold in care,
season it with integrity
(if you’ve got any spare),
sprinkle it with passion,
avoid the nuts and flakes,
put it in a hot oven
and see how long it takes
for it to become bu...
Monday 1st April 2019 2:52 pm
Fake Believe
Fake Believe
I walk these majestic corridors of the huge tower block
Skyscraper clawing down the sky into the earth
Thirty two floors above ground
And ten below where anything goes
Tell me, what’s down there?
Ornate toilets fit for a king
That I use three times a night
When I have a right big shit
And wash my armpits, tonsils and nipples on the bidet
Enjoyin...
Saturday 14th April 2018 8:40 am
Lady Pee
Lady Pee
Born just like any other girl, life hardly started
when something happened.
It was the drug’s fault, some type of reaction stopped her
just after she started.
Try to imagine how she went through life
not being able to do what we all can do.
To talk to her computer.
By pure willpower and by logic she managed.
Gigs came along and brought new meaning,
...
Saturday 14th April 2018 8:35 am
HEY ALANIS
HEY ALANIS
Sing me a song of life and times together,
do me a guitar ballad of mesmerising heart strings
being pulled ever so delicately.
My end game here in this town of a quarter of a million,
to a city 28 times bigger. Got me a girl and a job
and a future down there, what my own home town failed
to give me, of how it failed me ever so bad.
Not due to my efforts...
Thursday 5th April 2018 8:19 am
Reasonsonal
Reasonsonal
You had to see it to believe it in the call centre
How you had to queue up twice in the lines
To hand in your bag and phone
Mard arse ******* security guards thinking they're God
Elevated to a lofty status beyond you and me
Who the **** do these twoddles think they are?
Donald Damn ******* Trump?
At least he's a really rich arsehole
The fake guards bello...
Wednesday 21st March 2018 4:53 pm
Thai By
Thai By
This place gets under your skin. Slowly creeping in like black Texas gold. I said I'd never partake in the cat house girls. Seeing them each day for eighteen months was routine. Walking past the 'venues' to my shop. Usual hi's and hello's.
Then one fine humid day, bang! I happened. I changed. Cabin fever? I walked into Suzi's Place. I put my cash on the counter and grinded the mamasan...
Monday 19th February 2018 10:45 pm
Chemical Fire
Burn baby and give me some sulphuric hydrochloric acid smoke,
your fire gives me toasted tiktox and crisps me up nicely.
Boom goes the roof when 55 gallon drums go flying and it’s all ballistic.
The money shot is when the boss’s office goes up like a frigging rocket.
He was sat at his desk and went to the moon.
Chemical Ali won’t be coming back anytime soon.
Question is where is his t...
Monday 19th February 2018 10:40 pm
Chair Man
Chair Man
He made a decision to clean the factory chimney out.
Did he know it would be messy?
I look out of my window and see so much smoke emanating from the chimney.
It blanketed the fields in particulate sulphate alkali acid.
I was so happy! I could be a zombie now.
I ran down to the fields and danced naked in the grass.
I was in a real pea souper of man made chemical arsenic fo...
Monday 19th February 2018 10:39 pm
Doing Bad To Good End
Sometimes you have
To think out of the box,
"Flog the workaholic ox
So that the indolent one
Dragged by the yoke
Willy nilly, together, begins
To work! "
Wednesday 17th January 2018 11:23 am
Do in Rome as Romans do
It should not come as a surprise
Though the right posture
A subordinate doesn't lack
"Do in Rome as Romans do"
With a curved back
s/he has to walk!
It shouldn't come
As a surprise
Watching journalists
Praise that shower
On a tyrant government
In power!
Saturday 13th January 2018 2:00 pm
The Birkenhead April Fools
It seems timely, in more ways than one, to post this poem today. It was the local paper of my childhood, the Wirral Globe, which first introduced me to the concept of Fake News with its locally legendary series of April Fool spoof news articles. But it's chilling how close some of these have come to reality...
The Birkenhead April Fools (for Dot Humphrey)
We argue still, my Mum and I,
...
Saturday 1st April 2017 7:08 pm
There Was a Red Leader Called Corbyn
There was a Red leader called Corbyn,
Beset by Blairites a-squablin’,
Despite overwhelming support,
Unelectable they thought,
They’d rather have Thatcher over him.
Wednesday 3rd August 2016 4:53 am
All Hail Bold Etonian Boris
All hail bold Etonian Boris,
Whose exploits sent up quite a chorus,
To prove Europe was dead,
He swung down by his head,
Into the seat of Foreign Office.
Wednesday 3rd August 2016 4:46 am
masterdebate
Not sure if this one counts as a poem, but its here anyway.
Masterdebate
Presented by John Speaker
"Hi guys and welcome to the show!
The show where we aim to make debate look like adolescent banter!
Masterdebate!
"In today's game we have two teams who have entered the room blindfolded. On the right we have the blue team led by David!
"Hi David, tell us a little about yourself but wi...
Friday 1st April 2016 10:01 pm
The ostentatious breast-feeder
Drinking in my local
last dullday afternoon
soft drizzle outside
nothing much happening
usual 21st c. sense of ennui
when the door burst open
and a woman danced in
spinning wheeling pirouetting
across the floor
up on to a table
scattering drinkers before her
eyes flashing devilment and untamed fire
the shimmer of her dress was scarlet,
silver, pu...
Wednesday 10th December 2014 8:31 am
HAWKEYE THE NOO
A native American, Hawkeye the Noo
Emigrated to Scotland in '72
He loved deep fried Mars bars and the odd Irn Bru
But now he knows not what to do
The mountains and plains were a wonderful yardstick
As his ancestors populated desert to Arctic
But Hawkeye he settled for a wigwam in Partick
But now he knows not what to do
He's always been proud to call Scotland his h...
Friday 12th September 2014 9:08 pm
TILF
TILF
They parade down the catwalk
outside of number ten
it’s David’s new TILF army
taking over from the men
cause he’s not likely to be a winner
at next years general election
and if it doesn’t work for him
well, he’ll still have the erection
as he brings some lovely ladies
into the cabinet
because the wrinkly bastards
were as bad as it could get
so here are some ideas Dave
that ...
Tuesday 29th July 2014 7:13 pm
Thor (He's A Jolly Good Fellow)
Thor (He's A Jolly Good Fellow)
Another bloody immigrant
has just moved in next door -
he’s North East European
and goes by the name of Thor.
So as good old Mister Farage says
“There ought to be a law
that stops them coming here
cause we can’t take any more”.
He’s got long blonde tussled hair
and a chiselled square jaw
and he’s taking British jobs
at the local Ikea store -
yet all...
Wednesday 23rd July 2014 11:00 pm
'C' THE LANTERNS
Oh wondrous River Avon
Gurgling gently and so free
Dissecting Bradford-upon-Avon
On through Wiltshire to the sea
See the lanterns, hear the children
Watch their parents smile with glee
Once the festival has started
Please do not look for me
I'll be in the —anal Tavern
Hoping they've replaced the 'C'!
There is less than a week to go if you want to enter.
Wednesday 23rd July 2014 2:55 pm
PERFORMING RANTERS
Here's to all Performing Ranters
The whoopers', and the waving panters
Stuff academics licking asses
Scowling through rose-tinted glasses
Before I get my recompense
What is a 'Poet in Residence'?
A girl who writes
Lives in a tent
Is she a 'Poet With Intent'?
Let's have a workshop.
Make a bid
Then charge the punters all five quid
Liquid lunch and ...
Tuesday 15th July 2014 11:55 am
Just Passing Water
They say the playing fields of Eton
Have given this nation so very much:
This current set of mental inbreeds
Who’ve lost the common touch?
They’ve taxed our beer, cigs and patties,
Expect us all to work some years longer
All in the cause and the name of making
Both us and the nation that much stronger.
They’re the one nation Tories;
Sa...
Thursday 3rd October 2013 12:55 pm
The Worst Tutor Ever (Fact!)
There once was a poet called Lee
who said that he always wrote three
lines in his limericks.
From my new free e-book 'Kidnapped By A Public House'
http://www.lulu.com/shop/george-stanworth/kidnapped-by-a-public-house/ebook/product-21007695.html
Sunday 12th May 2013 9:10 am
Save £2 on my book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire'
My book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire' is now an incredible £3.99 when you type SAFIRE into the discount code box on
Thursday 26th April 2012 1:14 pm
GENERATION
GENERATION
We, the generation of the damned, the lost ones,
the weird ones, the ones you stare at and misunderstand,
as a joke I say Hiroshima was good, let’s do it again!
Do you think I’m mad? I say a man is to be judged
on his actions, not on his memories, wise words for me.
Why are we like this? I have my own answers and know
I’m lucky, I have my music...
Tuesday 4th October 2011 6:06 pm
Laughing Crims poem
LAUGHIN’ CRIMINALS
We run down the street to escape the local cops.
I went into the liquor store with my mate Arnie –
we looked around and spied that big fat gringo:
together we said, “Give us the cash, this is a stick up!”
He had no option – we were the guys with a sawn off.
Then it was off down the street with four bags of cash,
our haul for the day and an ea...
Sunday 28th August 2011 4:00 pm
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