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Satire (Remove filter)

Once upon a time in a vest

There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green

The pianola’s full of holes

The Man with No Name’s

Got a Zimmer frame 

And a tray of sausage rolls

He’s a High Plains drifter 

Not from round here

The strong and silent type

Got a dance partner, can’t lift her

They practice moves on Skype

At the monthly hoedown 

At the nursing home 

He wears a felt ten-gallon hat

It’s ...

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black humourhumoursatireparodyCowboygrowing old

Somewhere close to Westminster Bridge, October 2023, lines written on hearing of a new presenter on GB News.

Earth has not anything to show more shit

Mad would she be of soul who could watch it

A sight so tragic, such a travesty 

This chancer now doth, like a varmint wear

The mask of a presenter, barefaced stare

Scandal, pandemic, the litany of lies

Indifferent, callous, let bodies pile high

Wittering trivia to the poisoned air  

Never did one so manifestly seep

Self important ...

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Wordsworthparodysatirepolitical satireBoris Johnson


There’s a Viking Warrior around the back

With a multi-tool and a Power Pack

Keeps nuts and bolts in a padlocked sack

He’s a DIY Man, he’s building a shack


With his manic ScrewFix lust

He’ll transform that hedge into dust

It makes no odds, he’s not fussed

He’s a DIY Man, born to rust


He wears a John Deere branded shirt

Recharges himself when he feels inert


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DIYsuburbiahumourblack humoursatirejohn cooper clarke

Not Everybody Likes Poetry


Blank look

Dead eyes

Not impressed nor surprised


Flamboyant flare reveals a double rainbow

Spotted gazelle prances on a dewy field 

Zero fucks is what they give it, still


Dear Poet

Not everybody likes poetry

It’s a matter of their wiring


You’re okay

This truth is best to have been found 

Earth still spins us round and round 



© Candi...

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self awarenessSatiresarcasm

The Big Boss



The Big Boss

My manager is a locust brain

He doesn’t know what he’s doing


My manager is a locust brain

The job is kaos when he’s in charge here


My manager is a locust brain

Production takes a dip under him


My manager is a locust brain

He got the job by kissing arses


My manager is a locust brain

The supervisor is much more skilled



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Different Days



Different Days

A day like no other for several reasons

I found out my wife is a man with a hidden penis


A day like no other for several reasons

For somebody stole the engine from my car


A day like no other for several reasons

Due to me falling into the river and drowning


A day like no other for several reasons

As my credit card was cloned three time...

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Crocodile tears


How could I,
The double-faced
WHO’s current leader,
On par with
A chieftain
Brigade general,
Tightlipped attend
My diabolic
Party’s funeral?

Though for
My criminal
Party’s tragic end,
I have to sob,
I must labor
To garner
The pity of
The credulous, elites
As well as
The mob
Round the globe.

At the same time
Dollars I have
To underwrite
In a bid remaining

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A Valentine for our time

A bit of light wordplay written pre Trump's eviction to lighten my mood whilst watching what seemed to be a love race to failure between leaders.




Two households, both alack in dignity,

(In fair Corona, where we lay our scene),

Where ancient men come under new scrutiny,

And touching handles leaves civil hands unclean,


From forth the fatal grip of this new f...

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There’s a war going on and on and on and on

There’s a war going on and on and on and on

Mr President Mr Chairman

the world is not your apocalypse


you are no saviours



is not

a bargaining chip



are not

golf clubs or basketballs


murder by missi...

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Spoken word + musicSatirepoetpolitical poemApocalypse


Hey, let me stop a cyclone!
It may knock down my kingdom
made of my own 
and most importantly, 
my dear ego, 
everything of my own, 
my life, 
my rules. 

Please help me stop it,
lest it shouldn't pave the way
for a new creation 
where, I'm afraid, 
what if I couldn't be a centre? 




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conservative approachhumoursatire

Door bell

Who is there
ringing my door bell
since half an hour?

I don't have time
to attend you 
and your ballad. 

Rather, I don't like
to pay attention 
to something smarter. 

Oh, I may like you
if you'll chat with me 
on groceries and vegetables, 

but I can't spare 
my precious time 
upon intellectual matters! 

Please, don't judge me
for my knowledge 
beyond ignorance. 

If yo...

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Human weaknesseshumoursatire


Two apes having a head-to-head:

"It's friggin' absurd!" one of them said,

"Eight million species inhabit this earth,

Balancing nature and proving their worth;

But look at those creatures that are called 'man':

Ruining our planet as fast as they can;

They've polluted our air and poisoned the seas;

Their revolting habits cause death by disease!

Some of them perish with nothin...

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Comedy Hitler


Comedy Hitler?
Freddie Starr? Charlie Chaplin?
No - Nigel Farage

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haikuhitlerfreddie starrnigel faragebrexitsatire

Recipe For Disaster

Recipe For Disaster


Make sure you’ve got a big bowl.

OK, we’re ready to commence.

Take a pinch of honesty,

add an ounce of common sense,

stir in bloody mindedness,

gently fold in care,

season it with integrity

(if you’ve got any spare),

sprinkle it with passion,

avoid the nuts and flakes,

put it in a hot oven

and see how long it takes

for it to become bu...

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day 1NaPoWriMo 2019recipepoliticalsatirehumourtory government

Fake Believe



Fake Believe

I walk these majestic corridors of the huge tower block

Skyscraper clawing down the sky into the earth

Thirty two floors above ground

And ten below where anything goes

Tell me, what’s down there?

Ornate toilets fit for a king

That I use three times a night

When I have a right big shit

And wash my armpits, tonsils and nipples on the bidet


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Lady Pee



Lady Pee

Born just like any other girl, life hardly started

when something happened.

It was the drug’s fault, some type of reaction stopped her

just after she started.

Try to imagine how she went through life

not being able to do what we all can do.

To talk to her computer.

By pure willpower and by logic she managed.

Gigs came along and brought new meaning,


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Sing me a song of life and times together,

do me a guitar ballad of mesmerising heart strings

being pulled ever so delicately.

My end game here in this town of a quarter of a million,

to a city 28 times bigger. Got me a girl and a job

and a future down there, what my own home town failed

to give me, of how it failed me ever so bad.

Not due to my efforts...

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You had to see it to believe it in the call centre

How you had to queue up twice in the lines

To hand in your bag and phone

Mard arse ******* security guards thinking they're God


Elevated to a lofty status beyond you and me

Who the **** do these twoddles think they are?

Donald Damn ******* Trump?

At least he's a really rich arsehole

The fake guards bello...

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Thai By

Thai By
This place gets under your skin. Slowly creeping in like black Texas gold. I said I'd never partake in the cat house girls. Seeing them each day for eighteen months was routine. Walking past the 'venues' to my shop. Usual hi's and hello's. 

Then one fine humid day, bang! I happened. I changed. Cabin fever? I walked into Suzi's Place. I put my cash on the counter and grinded the mamasan...

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Chemical Fire


Burn baby and give me some sulphuric hydrochloric acid smoke,
your fire gives me toasted tiktox and crisps me up nicely.
Boom goes the roof when 55 gallon drums go flying and it’s all ballistic.
The money shot is when the boss’s office goes up like a frigging rocket.
He was sat at his desk and went to the moon. 
Chemical Ali won’t be coming back anytime soon. 
Question is where is his t...

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accidentmean bosssatire

Chair Man 

Chair Man 
He made a decision to clean the factory chimney out. 
Did he know it would be messy? 
I look out of my window and see so much smoke emanating from the chimney. 
It blanketed the fields in particulate sulphate alkali acid. 

I was so happy! I could be a zombie now. 
I ran down to the fields and danced naked in the grass. 
I was in a real pea souper of man made chemical arsenic fo...

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Doing Bad To Good End

Sometimes you have
To think out of the box,

"Flog the workaholic ox
So that the indolent one
Dragged by the yoke
Willy nilly, together, begins
To work! "

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Do in Rome as Romans do


It should not come as a surprise
Though the right posture
A subordinate doesn't lack
"Do in Rome as Romans do"

With a curved back
s/he has to walk!

It shouldn't come
As a surprise
Watching journalists
Praise that shower
On a tyrant government
In power!

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The Birkenhead April Fools

It seems timely, in more ways than one, to post this poem today. It was the local paper of my childhood, the Wirral Globe, which first introduced me to the concept of Fake News with its locally legendary series of April Fool spoof news articles. But it's chilling how close some of these have come to reality...


The Birkenhead April Fools (for Dot Humphrey)

We argue still, my Mum and I,

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There Was a Red Leader Called Corbyn

There was a Red leader called Corbyn,
Beset by Blairites a-squablin’,
Despite overwhelming support,
Unelectable they thought,
They’d rather have Thatcher over him.

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U.K.politicssatirelimerickLabour PartyJeremy Corbyn

All Hail Bold Etonian Boris

All hail bold Etonian Boris,
Whose exploits sent up quite a chorus,
To prove Europe was dead,
He swung down by his head,
Into the seat of Foreign Office.

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PoliticssatirelimerickBoris JohnsonBrexitEU


Not sure if this one counts as a poem, but its here anyway.

Presented by John Speaker

"Hi guys and welcome to the show!
The show where we aim to make debate look like adolescent banter!

"In today's game we have two teams who have entered the room blindfolded. On the right we have the blue team led by David!

"Hi David, tell us a little about yourself but wi...

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Politicalhumoursatirefunnygame showDavid Cameron

The ostentatious breast-feeder

Drinking in my local

last dullday afternoon

soft drizzle outside

nothing much happening

usual 21st c. sense of ennui


when the door burst open

and a woman danced in

spinning wheeling pirouetting 

across the floor 

up on to a table

scattering drinkers before her


eyes flashing devilment and untamed fire

the shimmer of her dress was scarlet, 

silver, pu...

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breast-feedingsatireNigel Farage


A native American, Hawkeye the Noo

Emigrated to Scotland in '72

He loved deep fried Mars bars and the odd Irn Bru

But now he knows not what to do


The mountains and plains were a wonderful yardstick

As his ancestors populated desert to Arctic

But Hawkeye he settled for a wigwam in Partick

But now he knows not what to do


He's always been proud to call Scotland his h...

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lampoonnative americanreferendumsatirescotland



They parade down the catwalk
outside of number ten
it’s David’s new TILF army
taking over from the men
cause he’s not likely to be a winner
at next years general election
and if it doesn’t work for him
well, he’ll still have the erection
as he brings some lovely ladies
into the cabinet
because the wrinkly bastards
were as bad as it could get
so here are some ideas Dave
that ...

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cabinet reshufflecameron's 'babes'conservative desperationcycnical ploysatire

Thor (He's A Jolly Good Fellow)

Thor (He's A Jolly Good Fellow)

Another bloody immigrant
has just moved in next door -
he’s North East European
and goes by the name of Thor.
So as good old Mister Farage says
“There ought to be a law
that stops them coming here
cause we can’t take any more”.

He’s got long blonde tussled hair
and a chiselled square jaw
and he’s taking British jobs
at the local Ikea store -
yet all...

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immigrationjealousysatiresexthorthunder god


Oh wondrous River Avon

Gurgling gently and so free

Dissecting Bradford-upon-Avon

On through Wiltshire to the sea

See the lanterns, hear the children

Watch their parents smile with glee

Once the festival has started

Please do not look for me

I'll be in the —anal Tavern

Hoping they've replaced the 'C'!



There is less than a week to go if you want to enter.


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Here's to all Performing Ranters

The whoopers', and the waving panters

Stuff academics licking asses

Scowling through rose-tinted glasses


Before I get my recompense

What is a 'Poet in Residence'?

A girl who writes

Lives in a tent

Is she a  'Poet With Intent'?


Let's have a workshop.

Make a bid

Then charge the punters all five quid

Liquid lunch and ...

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diversityironymischiefPoets & Performance PoetrySatire

Just Passing Water




They say the playing fields of Eton

Have given this nation so very much:

This current set of mental inbreeds

Who’ve lost the common touch?


They’ve taxed our beer, cigs and patties,

Expect us all to work some years longer

All in the cause and the name of making

Both us and the nation that much stronger.

They’re the one nation Tories;


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The Worst Tutor Ever (Fact!)

The Worst Tutor Ever


There once was a poet called Lee

who said that he always wrote three

lines in his limericks.


From my new free e-book 'Kidnapped By A Public House'

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TutorPoetryKidnapped By A Public HouseSatire

Save £2 on my book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire'

My book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire' is now an incredible £3.99 when you type SAFIRE into the discount code box on

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We, the generation of the damned, the lost ones,

the weird ones, the ones you stare at and misunderstand,

as a joke I say Hiroshima was good, let’s do it again!

Do you think I’m mad? I say a man is to be judged

on his actions, not on his memories, wise words for me.

Why are we like this? I have my own answers and know

I’m lucky, I have my music...

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Laughing Crims poem



We run down the street to escape the local cops.

I went into the liquor store with my mate Arnie –

we looked around and spied that big fat gringo:

together we said, “Give us the cash, this is a stick up!”

He had no option – we were the guys with a sawn off.

Then it was off down the street with four bags of cash,

our haul for the day and an ea...

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