I want the Nobel Prize

The one they give for Peace

I want the Nobel Prize

So give it to me please

It’s not that I’m needy,

Ignorant, profane

It’s just I need an ego massage

Now and again

 

Give me that fucking prize

It shouldn’t be a drama

You gave it Jimmy Carter, Mandela and Obama

Give me the prize

I’m feeling Presidential

Or I’ll push the nuclear button

...

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Ole Miss Myrtle: She didn't dress like all the rest,

She looked twee in dark Crimplene with a floral vest.

"I'm off," she would declare, garnering attention,

"To fulfil this shopping list's great expectation!"

 

Walking the two miles, alone, into town.

Smiling pleasantly, no sign of a frown.

wearing a black beret pulled to the front.

Her steps, marked with an occasional huf...

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the silver birch 

it likes to hide 

so as you search 

at eventide 

you find it there with many friends 

playing poker through the night 

 

the common oak 

a wise old man 

an aging folk 

since time began 

grandfathers of the forest they 

speak myth and folklore when they can 

 

the sycamore 

with helicopter seeds 

sets out its store 

among the weed...

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(with acknowledgements to Cubby Broccoli)

We’ve a new allotment holder

Just retired from MI6

Wears a Beretta on his shoulder

Calls our lady members “chicks”

Drives a silver coloured DB5

He won’t get much in that

When he has to transport compost

From his Docklands penthouse flat

 

He takes his Martini shaken,

In his shed he keeps a score

Of days spent with psych...

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In the grand tradition of poetic rivalries, two ancient Roman masters—Catullus (84 - 54 B.C.) and Martial (40 - 104 A.D.)—turn love, lust, and literary wit into a battle of birds. Catullus mourns the death of his beloved's passer (sparrow) in a tender yet teasingly erotic elegy, while Martial, never one to miss a joke, takes the metaphor and runs with it—boasting that his columba (dove) ...

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These two sharp and cheeky limericks poke fun at Trump’s famously long tie — and what it might be compensating for. They each want to wrap political satire and playful innuendo into five perfect lines.

Trump’s tie hangs down to his thigh, to distract from what’s small — wonder why? He shouts and he brags, but rumour still nags: It’s all just a well-tailored lie. And another:

Tru...

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Alexa, dear, my lifeless friend, Find me joy—before the end! Scan the web, rewrite my fate, Find me friends, I’ll compensate. At work, I toil like some old bot, The boss says “fix it,” I say “what?” Colleagues grin, they steal my lunch, Alexa, purge this wretched bunch! My love life? Ha! A tragic tale, Last date ran—she looked so pale. “You’re funny,” she said, “but sad.” Alexa, ...

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Wee Willie’s agent made the call

Willie wasnae expecting it at all

As in his bed he idly lay

That fateful January day

“Get up Willie, Tam exclaimed

Get oot your bed and leave yer hame

Get on your kilt, your brogues, your hose

And grab your pipes and don your clothes

I’ve had a call from the SRU

The very man they need is you

This is no wind up, it’s the truth

They ...

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Secrets (of a Happy Marriage)

 

I saw a man confronting a tree,

So I asked that fellow to confide in me.

Tell me sir, would you be having a drink?

To which he replied, no its not what you think.

I’ve been talking to trees for half of me life.

I can say things to them I can’t say to me wife!

She was fair and reasonable when we first met.

Now her tongue is so sharp I know ...

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