Fair and Square

 

As every football fan will know

There’s times when you get beat;

When you simply say “Hard Luck”

And then accept defeat.

 

And to the winners say “Well Done”

Despite not being delighted;

This goes for every sporting fan -

Except for Man United.

 

For if you follow the Mighty Scum

As soon as your team loses

You consult your little book

Called “Why We Lost Excuses”

 

Excuse Number 1 is your basic stuff -

They’ll trot it out right on cue,

“They shouldn’t have had their penalty

Whereas we should have had 2”.

 

It follows from this the Linesman’s a cheat

Along with the blind Referee;

Two of their goals were miles offside –

From 80 yards I could see.

 

"The ref only played 90 minutes".

"There wasn’t enough added time"

Or if we conceded right at the death,

"He awarded too much extra time".

 

They lost 5-0 at Newcastle

What story did Ferguson tell?

“We didna really lose at all,

We coulda scored 5 as well”.

 

And when they got beaten at home to West Ham

They blamed the pitch for the score

Cos they’d played rugby league at the Old Trafford Ground –

Admittedly some months before!

 

"We’re victims of fixture congestion

In this way we often get shafted,

And we lost once at Blackburn because they are

A set of the dirtiest bastards".

 

"Of course, we had players missing

From injuries, unfair match bans,

Or else we put out our second team,

Bollocks to visiting fans!"

 

"We’ve suffered from jetlag and upset tums

And berated the dressing room

And famously blamed the colour of shirts

Lost in the afternoon gloom".

 

Most shameful of all these excuses though,

Rather than take on the chin,

“The competition’s not worthy of us –

We didn’t want to win”.

 

Or maybe what’s even much worse than this

You hear it again and again

Is to a hear someone say as soon as they’ve lost,

“Man U? I don’t follow them!”

 

And so we reach the conclusion

As far as we are aware

That Man United have never yet

Been beaten fair and square.