Love at Last

 

My sexual awakening took place encased in a tomb

a claustraphobic space which haunted my thoughts

I existed in this obscure place fearful of exposure

my desires and yearnings seen as obstacles

 

To articulate my orientation would create living hell

fear became all pervasive in this perpetual tomb

It was prudent to say nothing to no one

the merest hint or suggestion could invite disaster

 

Where was love to be found in such fear

how could I make make contact or form a relationship

Were there others like me in their tombs

was there a signal or sign to bring about recognition

 

It was a winter´s night. I was alone and cold

Drizzle began to fall as sleet

The street lights accentuated the flurry of falling flakes

I knew where I was headed as my heart pounded in my chest

 

At a first glance I thought it was closed

as no light could be seen

I entered a cavern of utter and complete darkness

the electric light had failed

 

With hands and arms outstretched

I gingerly stepped forward into a familiar place

The sound of breathing drew close

as I brushed against the presence of another´s clothes

 

A hand touched my trousers, I reciprocated

he had no shape, size or identity in this inky den

As I reached to touch his face I felt a beard

a man older than I. We pressed ourselves close to each other

 

He was broad and had the smell of stale tobacco

He drew me closer to him opening his shirt

A chest, well defined and matted with hair

he kissed my forehead as I felt his erection

 

We moved into a cubicle, not a word was whispered

it was safer. I kissed his cheek, he pulled me closer

My body quaked as my legs were unable to hold me

I held him in my hands, he held mine too

 

We kissed, hugged with quiet delight

I wanted more of him and he of me

But how and where could we go

I no longer noticed the cold or the overwhelming darkness

 

Time gave way to bodily contact

we did not want this to end

A fervour had siezed us

a passion which could not be subdued

 

We drew apart, adjusting ourselves

he kissed me again on my cheek

Then he squeezed my arm and brushed past

out into the wintry night

 

I was left breathless, trying to regain some composure

He was the first person to kiss me, to hold me

I wanted to run after him but did not

outside the sleet was driven by an icy wind

 

The tomb was still my daily abode

but now I knew I was not alone

The twilight zone of forbidden love

had been breached, I could now find love

 

My tomb was necessary in a hostile place

but I could unlock it from the inside

I now began to realise that I was not alone

Love, sex, call it by any name. I knew my way forward

I was only fifteen years old and queer