HA! I guess I haven't changed since then. All these schemes and dreams in my head of me doing something impossible to win you back. Wrong choice of words. To open you to me once more.
Once I daydreamt that I somehow got in touch with Al Barr and we went drinking up in Edmonton at your favorite bar every day for a week until you strolled in. You were star struck, Al was a cool wingman, you fell in love with me again.
It's stupid; I know it is.
But it's comforting to me. I do fear it gives me the false hope that there is something I can do. In my own defense, I am preparing myself to accept that you might not love me anymore, but I will always have hope.
I've even thought of reaching out to her, and I only won't say her name out of respect and her privacy, and getting to know her. Not now, though, That was before the fact. Now I have thought of reaching out to her in hopes that she could help me understand, help you understand, help both of us heal...
But I dare not. Not only is it too much of a risk that I discover dark secrets but I would risk losing you forever, and I would never want that.
It's easier now, than it was before, to wait here patiently. Just like here, I've learned to cope. I do hope that you read these (not all of them are about you lol) and I hope we can come to an understanding and really put everything behind us.
There are many times that I've bitten my tongue to stop myself from screaming "no! stay with me! be with me! I can be so good for you!" ... But you're right. The world doesn't work like that, but what it's worth, you are good for me and you are good to me. You made me so happy, and I'm sorry if I caused you not to see that. I'm not blaming myself, no way, but I'm sad that you couldn't feel how much I loved you and how much you made me happy.
Ultimately, though, and I can't stress this enough...
You deserve to be happy, too. You've been through so much. I'm going to be heartbroken, of course, but you are more important. If never talking to me again is what you need, then I will learn to accept that. If you want to talk to me again, I will always accept you. But no matter what, I will always love you and I will always forgive you and I will always hope that you rise above your own expectations and flourish.