Everything self; Beneath the surface
The trouble with learning to love yourself is this; All things positive "self" is more difficult to practice than the opposite our easily adopted negative self. Bad habits like self-doubt, self-hate,self-harm integrates into your life at such an alarming speed you wont even realize it until its too late, but then you do realize it. So begins a lifetime struggle to get rid of it. The process, unlike the integration takes a lot of hard work and a conscious commitment to never give up,regardless of how difficult it gets. A promise to yourself to give one hundred percent every day, working tirelessly to release the negativity in order to invite only positivity to live inside you. At first this will seem like an insurmountable task to achieve as we are our most feared opposition,our own worst enemy. Within a blink of an eye, we are able to completely destroy ourselves, and we do, without so much as a second thought. The entire demolition could take seconds leaving no trace of the life once lived. Of course being human its second nature to procrastinate and to prolong the suffering, needing to feel the pain in order to feel to feel alive. Somewhat self-indulgently, we opt instead for the devastation to hit one wave at a time. So sadistically self-centered ,waiting with bated breath for each attack. The knowledge of the impending yet inevitable arrival of self- destruction excites you so much, it leaves you flushed ,restless and squirming in your seat..confused at the why. No...is it even possible? I wonder some more, pieces falling together. Watching intently as the whole picture is revealed. My eyes widen, jaw drop, mouth agape ,trying to say something but nothing comes out , not one sound. Of course, its so obvious now ,all the signs are there. The physical reactions , unsettling feelings ,elevated heart rate, all this brought on by the anticipation of self destruction. As sickening as it may be ,the knowledge that you intentionally hurting yourself, willing choosing the wrong thing, the worst thing not only excites us ,it arouses us. The adrenaline rush, the thrill of doing something you know is bad for you literally turns you on. For the briefest of moments we feel alive. The moment is fleeting at its best, then comes the crash. Reality exploding consequences in your face and you left with one question was it worth it? Was destroying everything and everyone in your path for that one moment worth it. Often the answer is yes. So I ask instead can you live with it. Losing everything and anything that meant something to you...can you live without? The answer to this much more difficult to answer. You see when we realize that our choices are never truly our own and that it affects those around us is the moment we grow up. Giving up our selfish needs and considering other peoples feelings will be a testament to our true characters. So we can choose to live for ourselves ,recklessly chasing fleeting gratification or we can live , really live touching lives through compassion and humanity. Leaving a lasting legacy where people remembers "she was here and she was loved" I choose the lather because we all want to be remembered knowing we touched someone and made the world just a little better...right?