The Sand Man

She could never get her hair to stay,

Even curled and covered in spray. 

Yet now it's stuck and clings in waves,

Hidden deathly shallow graves. 

 

Blood like wax holds lashes down,

Deathly beauty hides her frown,

Her sadness gone, her fear too,

Her twisted leg and broken shoe.

 

The chase was over, her killer won,

Smashed her face in, just for fun,

He posed her body rose in hand,

Filled her mouth with golden sand.

 

The killer knelt and touched her face,

His deathly princess filled with grace. 

He bent to kiss his bloody prize,

Death ensures love never dies. 

 

Murder death love

◄ Lost

Little Red Rabbit ►

Comments

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Robert Mann

Thu 15th Jun 2017 19:49

Louise - I've tried something similar:
https://www.writeoutloud.net/public/blogentry.php?blogentryid=54112
I think this subject is fertile for poetry and I like your piece, although I think it should be re-edited or polished up. Always available to help if needed.
Rob

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Louise Hogg

Tue 31st Jan 2017 21:13

Thanks Colin.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 31st Jan 2017 19:56

Yes! Adapt and repost as much as you like Louise. I'm not aware of any rules to the contrary.
C😏L

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Louise Hogg

Tue 31st Jan 2017 16:53

Not too harsh, I love your idea of spitting the sand back, maybe I am just seeing the victims as too submissive.

I am still quite new to this and appreciate the feedback. Do people adapt and repost ever? I would like to work on the feedback.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 31st Jan 2017 08:27

I can't decide whether I like this or not. It's as if you have freeze framed one of those detective crime thriller serials that fill up our television schedules. I don't watch any of them, not even the clever Scandies that everyone harps on about. People murdering on TV has become such the norm that we now take for granted its true horror.

This is not a criticism of your writing or your ability to write creatively. Perhaps for me the problem is in the very description, for this depicts a scene as if freeze framed, as mentioned above. I'd personally like to see something added, an extra edge, humour or perhaps some kind of continuance. Here is my take on the last line as a possible example:

But the corpse spat sand back in his eyes.

Gosh I hope I'm not being too harsh Louise. I love your dark imagination and there is certainly a place here on WoL for this style of writing. I'd be interested to know what you thought of my waffles - this morning topped with poisoned maple syrup! Oh, and here's an interesting article I found whilst making my waffles. All the best and thanks for getting me thinking. C😀L

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20910859

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