IN THE GROTTO

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(A re-post.  Because it's that time of year again when I am asked to perform a function for which I am the least suited person in the world to fulfill.  Stolen from me, of course, by that b*****d Presley)

 

As the snow flies -

Cos it’s Christmas here in Haddlesey

And Santa sits underneath his tree

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

Eating warm mince pies.

 

And if there’s one thing that he don’t need

It’s another squawking kid running off its lead

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

As the kiddie cries.

 

People don’t you understand

He’s a miserable old man

He detests those little girls and boys;

People won’t you let him quit

He’s a grumpy old git

He’ll crush the presents in his pile

Then gives them broken toys;

(Which makes Santa smile).

 

So learns how to laugh and he learns how to grin

And he “Ho, ho ho’s” when the buggers come into

The Grotto.  (In the Grotto).

 

But it gets much worse as Santa feared

As a  toddler’s sick in the Old Man’s beard

In the Grotto (in the Grotto).

 

Then there’s a little snotty kid

Who just won’t pay his quid

But stands and picks his pugnose all the while

Yelling “What’s inside the sack”

He just needs a good crack

He steals a bun

He screams at Ma

He tries to run

But he don’t get far

(Which makes Santa smile)

 

So he lights up a fag while a kid of five

Watches Santa drag on his tenth Park Drive

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

 

When the queues die down it feels such bliss

Cos he’s had six cans so he takes a piss

In the Grotto (In the Grotto).

 

As the snow flies –

Cos it’s Christmas here in Haddlesey

And Santa sits underneath his tree

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

◄ WHAT WOULD CONVERT A BREXITER?

THE MASTERLY STRATEGY OF INACTIVITY (NOT IN MY NAME) ►

Comments

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John Coopey

Tue 6th Dec 2016 22:05

I certainly hope so, Ken.

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ken eaton-dykes

Tue 6th Dec 2016 12:13

If there were a study of the average child's emotions over the Christmas period. I would bet it to be the most tearful time of the year. Ho Ho Ho

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John Coopey

Tue 6th Dec 2016 05:54

You're right there, Harry.

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Harry O'Neill

Mon 5th Dec 2016 23:31

`They keep inviting you back?...can`t you see John?..No one else is daft enough to do it!

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John Coopey

Mon 5th Dec 2016 22:33

Even my mother wouldn't have described me as an angel, Graham. But I'll go along with HK.

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Graham Sherwood

Mon 5th Dec 2016 22:12

An angel with a dirty face indeed. God bless you Jon (and Harry Kane too).

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John Coopey

Mon 5th Dec 2016 18:16

Thanks, guys.
The really alarming thing, Ray, is that they keep inviting me back.
Accent, Colin? ACCENT??? That was my best Elvis impersonation.
Quite right, MC. I'm not keen on my own kids let alone others' little shits.

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M.C. Newberry

Mon 5th Dec 2016 16:58

I suspect that the film "Bad Santa" is on your "Must See"
list!
Cos it's more than clear
Reading here
That this sad Santa
Hates kids' banter!
:->

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raypool

Mon 5th Dec 2016 16:38

Enjoyed this John. Nice bite and wit. I do find these pretend figures rather confusing . Do the kids actually believe they are F C - if so it's all a bit sad. How do they get the gig? Apart form the sweats, what do they get out of it? Apart maybe from the more sinister possibilities.

Ray

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