(A re-post.  Because it's that time of year again when I am asked to perform a function for which I am the least suited person in the world to fulfill.  Stolen from me, of course, by that b*****d Presley)

 

As the snow flies -

Cos it’s Christmas here in Haddlesey

And Santa sits underneath his tree

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

Eating warm mince pies.

 

And if there’s one thing that he don’t need

It’s another squawking kid running off its lead

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

As the kiddie cries.

 

People don’t you understand

He’s a miserable old man

He detests those little girls and boys;

People won’t you let him quit

He’s a grumpy old git

He’ll crush the presents in his pile

Then gives them broken toys;

(Which makes Santa smile).

 

So learns how to laugh and he learns how to grin

And he “Ho, ho ho’s” when the buggers come into

The Grotto.  (In the Grotto).

 

But it gets much worse as Santa feared

As a  toddler’s sick in the Old Man’s beard

In the Grotto (in the Grotto).

 

Then there’s a little snotty kid

Who just won’t pay his quid

But stands and picks his pugnose all the while

Yelling “What’s inside the sack”

He just needs a good crack

He steals a bun

He screams at Ma

He tries to run

But he don’t get far

(Which makes Santa smile)

 

So he lights up a fag while a kid of five

Watches Santa drag on his tenth Park Drive

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

 

When the queues die down it feels such bliss

Cos he’s had six cans so he takes a piss

In the Grotto (In the Grotto).

 

As the snow flies –

Cos it’s Christmas here in Haddlesey

And Santa sits underneath his tree

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)