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(John 'The Hat' Keenan is a drug smuggler in our village.  He imported, without licence, illicit Indian Viagra.  Well, he says they were anyway; they didn't do much for me.  He susequently wrote a book about it).


Thizza bloke guz daarnar pub – eelbi probly scoffin grub

Wi the chipsy eats ill never bea leanun

Oniz edizis trilbys sat, so eez knownuz “John the At”

Weeiz motto, “Icn getit” – eez John Keenan.

I vowdad never read iz book but a concede

Ive brokmi word nso I seek repentance;

I struggled forrawhile weeits lacka classic style

But strangely I enjoyed “A Stiffer Sentence”.

So its John, John, John.  What the fuck have you got on?

Yud look better wearin spatsa racravat;

Can you get me size 9 brogues

Jus like them I’ve sinin Vogue?

Yurra rogue n notn angel, John the Hat.


Johnll appily confide thate dida stretch inside

In Armle and in Lindolm weer the lags wa;

N wotwa John’s Gret Crime, whose consequence wa time?

The import of sumindian Viagra.

When John at last wabrought before the County Court

Ed pleadiz case weeartdue fussa clamma;

When the jujud sentence John it wasn’t Gaviscon

Id need, but John’s blue pills ta welpim liftizamma.

So it’s John, John, John, ya crafty woebegone,

(Eezon the phone in fluent Gujarat)

I’m afta Gordon’s Gin

Urra vintij mandolin –

Daya think uzyacd getem John the Hat?


An even wenin prison, once the chance it had arisen

E faarndizzen a bran new littlearner

The scamaz Keenan ledit, gained im telephonic credit

An so e putiz pillzon the back-burner.

Aziz book unfurlz, eza bugger fo the girls

Of the Mumbai clubzan sezso iniz story;

Butiz thrills are blown apart, az poor Johnll luzizart,

Toowa little girl, iz daughter, nama Shorli.

So its John, John, John its 6 to 4 odds-on

Thill cumagen - beware the bureaucrat!

Best keep insi der line. 

(Are ya stocking Calvin Klein?)

I doff my captayu, mate – John the Hat.


C&A ►


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John Coopey

Sun 10th Jan 2016 07:57

Thank you,MC. I can see that some might struggle without the audio.

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 9th Jan 2016 16:40

Tha's few that can affect
A line of dialect
So no wun would suspect
Its pedigree
But for sheer bluddy cheek
You have no need to seek
Much further that a sneak
At our JC...!
I took Harry's advice and read as I listened. Top stuff!

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John Coopey

Thu 7th Jan 2016 10:24

Thanks, Harry. I cn c owit mite bea bit UVA puzla without the mp3.
I've pinched the structure from Kipling; you might recognise "Din, Din, Din" etc.

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Harry O'Neill

Wed 6th Jan 2016 21:28

What are you doin` to me ? I`ve just finished hurtin` me head about pictures and the written word, and now you`ve got me worryin` about sound and the written word.

I advise anyone who wants to savour the full value of this one to read it as they listen..it`s a corker!

Scouse would get nowhere near it.

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