Hotel Fawlty Towers

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(some skipping on the audio)


On a cool Torquay evening three kids in the car

One sick just preceding, most of it on Ma;

We’d travelled down from Barnsley, argued all the way

My head was pounding from the constant shouting;

Just glad to end that day.

A sign by the highway was a godsend to me

“Vacancies for Full Board, Half Board, B & B”;

And there on the driveway a Mini blocked the way;

A voice came from Reception – I thought I heard it say,

“BASIL!  This is the hotel Fawlty Towers.

You’ll enjoy it here

Any time of year

On the Devon Riviere;

Welcome to the hotel Fawlty Towers;

Enjoy a tea and scone,

We’ve had Elton John’

(Where has Basil gone?)”


“Here’s our new Spanish waiter; he’ll show you the way;

He’s from Barcelona.”  But Manuel just said “Que?”

“Take them to Room 11, with those views of the bay.”

Manuel smiles motionless and simply he says “Que?”

So I called for Room Service, “Please bring us some wine”

A tall man brings Sanatogen “That’s £14.99”

The lady is still calling from down the passageway

“BASIL!  Where’s BASIL!? And then I heard him say,

“Welcome to the hotel Flowery Twats

He began his speech,

“Look across the beach

Herds of wildebeest.

When are you leaving the hotel Wolfy Rats

We don’t have a phone

There are towels on loan

Have you brought your own?”


“We welcome all races, the rich and the poor

We’ve even got some Germans in – just don’t mention the war.

And in the kitchen freezer a corpse is stiffly sat,

The salad here is Waldorf now that Manuel’s caught the rat.”

The last thing I remember (I swear it made me blanch)

The madman beating his Mini on the drive way with a branch

And stringing out behind him the hotel’s irate guests

And the voice again from Reception “BASIL! Sort this mess!”

So farewell to the hotel Watery Fowls

Where the food was duff

And the service rough

I think I’ve seen enough;

Farewell to the hotel Farty Owls

We’ll brave the snow and rain

And endure the pain

We won’t return again.

◄ Old Ladies

Samantha Louise and Sweet Sarah Jane ►


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Fri 8th Feb 2013 11:32

Miss that show. Sometimes the re-rums are on. I have to get myself a DVD box-set. Thanks for sharing!

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 26th Jan 2013 15:17

I had a very good chuckle as it rocketed along. BASIL is a great link to keep the variety hanging together, especially with its sound value.

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M.C. Newberry

Fri 25th Jan 2013 12:55

By the way...I was born in Paignton - the less fashionable neighbour across the bay from Torquay. But Paigntonians always maintain that Torquay was built for them to look at! Nothing "fawlty" in that point of view.

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M.C. Newberry

Thu 24th Jan 2013 13:43

Re, a media report yesterday about BBC censorship of that laugh-aloud series:
If Fawlty Towers ever opened again
There's one thing that I wager
There'd be no sign or sound I ken
Of that non-PC old major!!

tony sheridan

Thu 24th Jan 2013 10:02

Thanks for the laugh John! Take care, Tony.

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Nick Clifton

Thu 24th Jan 2013 09:41

Chuckle muscle exercised [exorcised] again, Et Stow Raw Fly. ta muchly, nick

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Yvonne Brunton

Wed 23rd Jan 2013 21:31

I think you have a pretty strong case to enable you to ' sue ratty wolf' because the 'warts flout- yes!'XX

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