Laura Taylor

Prism in Shade

by Laura Taylor

Wednesday 23rd May 2012 11:56 am (first posted Wednesday 16th May 2012 9:47 am)

(Edited version, with fancypants new title courtesy of Richie)

Love without risk…

is a kiss with cold lips,

a smile without light,

a whistle in wind,

to be tumbled away;

is a bare bed of dust,

a berryless bramble,

no flowers or sweetness,

or prickles on skin

...is a prism in shade;

a door open wide on a room

where all sides can be seen,

and no intrigue exists;

a passionless bond,

to stopper the frenzy

and lock down delight;

to zipper delirium’s heavenly highs

Love without risk…

is a witness to death;

a flatline of sky-high

ambrosiac promise,

curled up and crackled

and empty of bliss

(Original version)

Love without risk is a kiss with cold lips;

a smile without light;

a whistle in wind, to be tumbled away

Love without risk is a bare bed of dust;

a berryless bramble, no flowers

or sweetness, or prickles on skin

Love without risk is a prism in shade;

a door open wide on a room where all sides

can be seen and no intrigue exists

Love without risk is a passionless bond,

to stopper the frenzy and lock down delight;

to zipper delirium’s heavenly highs

Love without risk is a witness to death;

a flatline of sky-high ambrosiac

promise, curled up and crackled

and empty of bliss

(PS I hate the title - can anyone think of a less stupid and obvious one?!)

◄ Mavis

No Pansies (for Charlotte) ►

Comments

Francine

Thu 28th Feb 2013 01:35

Ha ha - fancypants new title! :-D

LOVE the subject matter!
I think the revised version is stronger.

(SEE - I told you I had some catching up to do!)

Laura Taylor

Wed 23rd May 2012 11:57

Bang on Richie! You got it! Prism in Shade works brilliantly as a title, I love it!! Thank you :D and yes, that's what I meant. Without the light, all the beauty is lost - it's potentially there, but you need the light to see it :)

Ta cocker!

Martin Peacock

Wed 23rd May 2012 11:48

'A Prism In Shade' [that refracts no light, I take it to mean?] would be a great title for this, chuck. Not sure which version I prefer; I like the triplet form too.

Rachel Bond

Mon 21st May 2012 22:10

good title anne i think :)

Laura Taylor

Mon 21st May 2012 16:41

Thanks you two :)

Isobel

Sat 19th May 2012 14:19

I hadn't considered the thing about performance being different to page. Yes - the repetition would work well in performance - and in song.

Can't make my mind up whether I like the new version better. I'd be inclined to go a whole lot further - so that you aren't telling at all - just showing. I don't like the 'It's a ' openers. I'd like a page poem that just hit me with a lot of images expressed in a flowing poetic way. That's just my opinion though - everyone who reads it will have a different one. At the end of the day you have to stay true to your own voice and style.

shoeless

Sat 19th May 2012 13:14

you are a better woman than i, editing on a saturday morning :) , i tried taking the line out of your poem on paper and yes it was still a poem with a little editing . i still see the advantages to both versions :)

Laura Taylor

Sat 19th May 2012 13:06

Reet - had a good think about it, and came up with this. Let me know what you think.

And thanks shoeless and Is - appreciate it. I do think this works better now that I got up off my arse and did something about it ;)

shoeless

Sat 19th May 2012 10:44

no need to respond tsk ! :) I discussed this with my mate ;) and he commented quite rightly I feel that the repetition is perfect for a read aloud poem . but loses some of its beauty on the page, the poem has so many other interesting ideas , the infertility of a berryless bramble I particularly like .... xx shoeless c . (otherwise known as really rather knackered lately )

Isobel

Fri 18th May 2012 19:42

Well actually - I think Shoeless really has a point - I like her idea. Say it in the title and then let the metaphors work for you - it would feel a lot less 'Love is... ish' if you know what I mean. But there's no need to respond to this - you've already made your feelings clear.

I liked the prism line best - light is so important to life that it is the best analogy for happiness you can get.

Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but I sometimes think that love without risk might be quite cosy and comforting...

Laura Taylor

Fri 18th May 2012 12:16

Thanks again for all the suggestions folks

Repetition stays, lovely shoeless :)

Ah bugger it, can't think of owt better so title stays too.

shoeless

Thu 17th May 2012 23:34

ok , i have read this a few times and i think

laura: 'you think ?'
me: 'yes occasionally.'

That the title is good , if you ....... take it out of the rest of the poem entirely. I like the poem without the repeated first phrase

constructive criticism i hope x x

M.C. Newberry

Thu 17th May 2012 15:57

The premises is provocative...the imagery well constructed - with some memorable phrases. The care behind the whole is clear to see.

Lynn Dye

Thu 17th May 2012 15:26

Kiss empty of Bliss...?

Good one, Laura!

Harry O'Neill

Thu 17th May 2012 13:48

Laura,
good poem indeed.

It is well capable of applying to a wider, more
universal application.

Why not `Life without risk` ?

(I know I risk execution for demoting `love`)

Ann Foxglove

Thu 17th May 2012 12:28

"Risk is a kiss..." ?

Laura Taylor

Thu 17th May 2012 09:51

Cheers all

Erm, yeh, might pass on that title Ray! Yup - 'bond' works better (y'hear that Rach? heh), thanks, have changed that now.

Yes - I do intend 'crackled' as it gives a sound and an image :)

Thanks Rach - will keep berryless bramble, cos I really like the sound of it.

Still not stuck on a title yet. Can't call it 'Love is' cos that's too much like those endless bloody cartoon strips. 'Bed of dust' dunt quite get across what I'm saying.

Hmmm.

Ta though :)

Yvonne Brunton

Wed 16th May 2012 22:44

Love it. Great images.You could call it 'Love is ...'

Rachel Bond

Wed 16th May 2012 21:29

as usual very well written with interesting verse structure and nice rhythm and flow,
but mostly fantastic content with fascinating imagery that both challenges and suggests intriguing metaphor.
i love it. dont care if its risky ;) i would say that for the 2nd verse i would have the berry with no bramble to describe the riskless love...but that is just my perspective, that riskless love may indulge the juices and bounty of the berry but not take with it the pain of the thorns that come with the risks of a partners prickly full personality. as ive said tho i like the challenges it presents. its great.

thanks laura, quality read x

ive heard for picking titles that a good method is to select a phrase from your own personal favourite line.
i would pick from this...bed of dust.

Ray Miller

Wed 16th May 2012 20:46

Here's my suggestion for a title: Then The Ann Summers Rep Burst Into Verse.

I liked this, this bit most of all

a berryless bramble, no flowers

or sweetness, or prickles on skin

For rhythm's sake you want "passionless bond"

Do you intend crackled in penultimate line, not cracked?

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