This will do

 

The louvres let in some light

enough to see the dust

when eyes adjust.

This won't do, he thinks,

says it aloud,

This really won't do”

but doesn't mean the dust

or last week's cups,

January's laundry

or last year's papers.

He means

litter-blitzed head

synapses in smithereens

the unhoovered brain

and cranial dust.

And then he smiles wide

pushes paper pile aside

settles in his warm, worn old chair

fits like a glove

Yes there's mess, everywhere

but there is love,

there is Dorothy.

◄ Birthday with a zero

Serendipity ►

Comments

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 24th Jan 2012 12:56

One of your best, Dave, a character sketch that implies a saga. I like best the uncertainty of 'Dorothy' - cat, dog, pillow, photo, ghost? For me, the realism of the declining situation implies fantasy in its resolution. I find it well-crafted diction-wise, and would suggest only the removal of all punctuation, to let the reader sink or swim with your thoughts.

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John Coopey

Mon 23rd Jan 2012 23:33

Very vivid, Dave, in its imagery but nicely ambivalent in its meaning.

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Anthony Emmerson

Mon 23rd Jan 2012 17:53

Hi Dave,

I liked your rhythms in this. ! think:

"litter-blitzed head

synapses in smithereens"

- too few syllables in line one - too many in line two. it's clumsy on the aear and tongue.

For me you could drop the last line; or, make "her" nameless. Personalising it with your last word, after the anonymity of the rest jars a little. Enjoyed the read though!

Regards,
A.E.

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Ray Miller

Sun 22nd Jan 2012 22:38

I liked most of the poem, Dave.
This bit sticks in my throat.

He means

litter-blitzed head

synapses in smithereens

the unhoovered brain

and cranial dust

I'd mind less if there were no punctuation throughout, but as there is, surely that section needs some too.

A Curmudgeon.


stella jones

Sun 22nd Jan 2012 22:28


This has that feel good factor that sometimes shines through the words.. :)

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John Aikman

Sun 22nd Jan 2012 21:56

Fab, all the way up to 'fits like a glove'.

Chairs don't fit like gloves..well, not unless you are fisting them.

Maybe he was?

Jx

(all the rest is bloody brilliant)

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Greg Freeman

Sun 22nd Jan 2012 21:45

I enjoyed this, Dave - the rhythm, music, and sentiments.

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