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(For the yacht captain`s wedding at Nysiros)
I wish you both a good going,
Clear, cloudless skies,
Calm seas, and a strong tide flowing
At anchor-rise.
Aye, and a fair wind filling
Your sail at under-waying
And soon, God willing -
Fresh crew - tussle-headed children playing
And when life`s eased to a gold Septembering
Home-fall, final anchor-drop, and rest.
Serenity, content, and a fond remembering
Of all that was best.
Cynthia
Thanks for your comment.
Considered your points.
The slight hesitation that the `clear` affords at that point - I think - helps.
The alliteration also helps in that it `fits` with `good going` in the line before.
The repitition doesn`t matter, there, as it did in the last stanza. (where it was spoiling the `Septembering` line.)
Alternatives to `clear` wouldn`t have sounded right, and `cloudless` without the `clear` would have been lonely.
Thanks again for your interest - it was appreciated...Harry
It is a pleasant poem, Harry, enjoyable. It rhymes cohesively. But, IMO, since it doesn't follow a strict metric count anyway, I would leave out some of the small words, giving the meaningful nouns more power. 'Cloudless skies' are already 'clear', so another word for a different physical sense might be used, adding more depth to the overall image. As always, these comments are just suggestions to a fellow writer who chronicled a very pleasant experience.
Lovely poem- Harry.
I love the way this reads aloud reading it to myself. The sounds are so right! and the sentiment is very nice. 'a gold Septembering'- now that is an image.
P.S
I like a lot of religious poetry, even if I am not remotely religious- funny how life can be lol. Oh and personally I like your original version best- just shows you how subjective poetry is.
My Best
Chris
Harry. You just click on Edit, make the changes, then click on Update Entry. If I can do it anyone can.
Well spotted, Ray, you`re right...thanks!
I would now read:
Serenity, content, and a fond remembering
of all that was best.
If i wasn`t internet thick and scared of messing the whole thing up.
Thanks all,
It was written when I was sitting alone in a taverna and a bridal party came in.
Two bottles of beer and a meal were slammed down in front of me and I found I was a guest (local custom)
I left it with the best man.
Nice poem. gold Septembering is lovely. That last verse would be even better without the repetition of ease and eased, though.
Hehe John
Lovely piece this Harry. I'm a sucker for anything close to seafaring tales - I blame my dad and all the stories he told me when I was a kid about being at sea :)
Agree with all that's been said, Harry. Excellent piece, lovely imagery.
But did she have "avast behind"?
Lovely!
<Deleted User> (6895)
Thu 17th Nov 2011 22:15
We,ll splice the mainbrace to this poem Harry.
well done shipmate!
loved the line,
And when life,s eased to a gold Septembering'
gorgeous!
A jewel,so prominent amidst a treasure trove!
thanks for posting.
Patricia and Stef.
This would be a marvellous "benediction" by the
best man at any such wedding. Heartfelt and
immaculately done.
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Anthony Emmerson
Wed 30th Nov 2011 14:24
Hi Harry,
I love poetry that speaks both romantically and universally to all readers. This is such a poem.
Regards,
A.E.