Sorry to disappoint any Halloween hosts,

But I can’t seem to find the heart,

When confronted with vampires and ghosts,

I am just a boring old fart.

 

It’s an American thing, not British at all.

My childhood passed well enough without.

Therefore, this palaver is not my call,

I hardly know what it is about!

 

Halloween had never come to my street,

Unaware till I was twenty-nine,

So the first time I was asked, “Trick or treat?”

Well, I’d just never heard that line.

 

My man now says, “Shut the curtains quick!

And don’t answer the ruddy door!”

I feel mean but it gets on my wick.

Oh, why does it have to be such a chore?       

 

Now our club is holding a Halloween do.

I just knew there’d have to be a hitch.

I’ll make an excuse though I’m sure it’s true

That I would make an excellent witch!