I walk back up the lane
my toe within your heel
two journeys marked in mud.
The bus has gone
you’ll text me when
you’re on the train.
Back home, retrieve the key
wash up two cups,
and two crumbed plates.
Fold back the futon
shake the duvet
wash the sheets.
Put away the sugar till next time.
I loved the line Ray pointed out 'my toe within your heel'.
It is really refreshing sometimes to read a poem where you don't have to grapple with it to get the meaning. Where the poet just tells it like it is and the feelings whoosh over you.
This works too well. You caught me with it. Essential, apart from liines 13 and 14 as they are redundant to the overall sense. You are a poet.
<Deleted User> (6315)
Sun 16th Oct 2011 22:10
Whoosh...Ann you have such a way with your words that draw the reader in to almost being there..dunno if it was the subject matter but ouch I felt this..super stuff :)
Lovely poem, Ann. I agree with Terry, it's what you don't say that says as much as what you do. Good that he will be back for Christmas. xxx
Really good, Anne. "my toe within your heel" is fab.
wash up two cups
and two crumbed plates.
would sound more natural to me.The next verse is a cracker but like Winston I wasn't so keen on those longer lines at the end.
Had me welling up as soon as (by line 2) I realised what this was about. Very effective in an understated and delicate manner. This is a few years off for me (son 13) but I'm blubbing already!! XXX
Anne
Those first three lines are corkers!
Lovely sad/sweet `Fled the nest` poem.
Without the title and lines 13 and 14 it would make a very moving poem of a different kind.
Terry White
Sun 16th Oct 2011 18:22
I like this. What you didn't say says as much as what you did.
Hi Ann,
Nice poem.Creates the mood without being over explanatory.Lovely.
Thanks both - yes Win, they were all done - on Thursday! You may be right about the end but I'm still hanging onto those images for now. (But he's coming down for christmas so that's OK!)
Hi Ann
loved all these reflective actions. Can see them all being done. great poem
might be tempted to make a blunter end and get rid of the two longer lines at the end. just an idea. like this -
Fold back the futon
shake the duvet
wash the sheets.
put away the sugar
till next time.
Spare and very effective, Ann.
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Ann Foxglove
Mon 17th Oct 2011 19:37
Thanks all - I have made the changes that have been suggested as I decided I agreed with them.