NEVER BEEN KISSED
love feels like cold jealousy.
sitting across from one another.
the table could be worlds and oceans.
i sting with furious stomach churning envy.
snakes and beetles scurrying between my legs.
closed and rotten now i know what i do.
she is so much younger than i,
the times my time was always first,
no longer exists.
she broke a cycle as old as i, and therefor
as old as my time.
i shake with green bottled eyes.
emeralds dance in my brain.
my embarrassment is obvious,
she knows. i know.
i thought i knew.
never ever was she the first to cross a picket.
now she who sits opposite me.
with my laptop blaring, my hands twitching and picking.
she laughs dazed and ditsy with memories.
boys boys boys.
i grimace, groan, growl.
how can i begin to rest my fainting mind.
burdened with my young sisters truth.
how can i sit with my back to the radiator without my hand burning.
how do i catch mama’s eyes without leaking.
the competition she and i were born into,
had a secret level, one i was aware of,
but one i assumed had my name already won.
i assume and i assume and i lie in my bed.
wrought with hateful, disgusting thoughts.