My Bleeding Mother
My heart is hurting.
It can’t contain the pain.
It seeps like beads of sweat out of my body
And falls like drops of rain.
The rain soaks my shoes,
then bleeds through to the skin.
The cold of winter settles;
it settles once again.
I cannot save my mother,
Though she and I both hoped that I could.
But I’m afraid that a daughter’s love
Can’t always do the things I hoped it would.
I carried her, so long,
carried her as far as I knew how,
But I couldn’t carry her forever,
And I can’t carry her now.
Crushed for so long underneath the weight
Of someone who could never see,
How loudly I was screaming,
“Please just once, please carry me!
“See me, just once, please see me,
Let that be ok.
Please don’t make me have to chase you
And beg for you to stay.
Just once, can you say you’re sorry?
Because sometimes it’s ok to be wrong.
How long until I’m good enough?
Please tell me how long?"
Death by a thousand cuts,
Such small marks upon my skin,
But after so many years untreated,
An infection grows within.
Spreading to my soul;
ripping it apart.
All the things you’ve said;
like shrapnel in my heart.
I know that your heart is damaged;
You’ve always had the saddest eyes.
On the rare nights our house was silent,
I always heard your cries.
You looked to me for answers.
You looked to me for care.
I tried so fucking hard,
But it was a cost I couldn’t bear.
My heart was so weak and small,
Don’t you see that it needed care too?
Who’s going to take care of your daughter
If your daughter’s the one taking care of you?
I didn’t mind it, I was happy to do it,
Because I thought one day your heart might heal,
And then it would be my turn to have a mother;
my turn to finally feel.
But that day never came,
And when I asked for it, you didn’t know how to give.
I’ve never met anyone who hurts like you do;
Who struggles so hard to live.
I just wanted you to love me.
I think you did as much as you could.
But it didn’t help me in those moments
When I didn’t have anyone to tell me that I was good.
Then I grew and got so angry;
You owed me a debt I wanted you to pay,
Then I became just one more person to hurt you,
And I can’t take that hurt away.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough,
That I couldn’t be who you were hoping I’d be.
I’m sorry that it wasn’t enough
For me to just be me.
All I’ve ever wanted is for you to know that you matter.
Everything I’ve ever done is so you might know,
That I would never leave you,
No matter how many times you go.
Why is it so easy for you to leave me?
When I have never left you?
The moment I was too weak to carry your load
Was the moment you were through.
Like an old coat that’s lost all its buttons,
So quick to throw me away.
I’ve spent my whole life chasing you,
Only to realize that you never planned to stay....
And maybe that's ok.